Very Very Major Problem...separated from "The answers on this website."

[unfinite]

I felt that this is too serious a problem to keep in the other thread.

If you read the end of that, then you know what's going on. otherwise, here's the problem:

 

My ex was going to leave town at the end of the summer to live with a college guy she just left me for. she is only 16 and is way to young to be doing this.

I was told that it would be the best idea to tell her mother about what she planned to do. I did and this is the conversation after that:

 

Well...I've told her. Her mom doesn't believe me yet that she would actually do this, but I assured her that this is no joke. She is going to talk to her, and I also told her that she should talk to the bf too. I know that it will be a lot easier for her to convince him to not take her, than it would be to convince my ex that this isn't a good idea.

I'm praying that this works out, and I'm glad that I got it done before they started looking for appartments...they were going to start looking at the start of August. :S

Im really looking on the bright side here...I think things will work out unless she really resists and does something really stupid.

 

Good for you. That's all you needed to do.

 

This went really bad. Everything is going as bad as it possibly could.

I told her mom. they talked about it. my ex refuses to stay. He mom tried to punish her for disobeying her. she said that she couldnt see him anymore and couldnt do anything.

her mom also fdound out that my ex's brothers girlfriend, who is living with them, knew and didnt tell her, so she's kicking her out of the house. and her brother is going to go with her. and my ex is tring to find somewhere to live for the rest of the summer. and her mom is tellin gher boyfriend to leave so that the house can sell. and she's letting him take their son. and just f*ck.

i cant breath. ive ruined so many people lives.

the whole family is being destroyed and its all my fault. She says she's going to call the cops on me, get me a criminal record. and i know that's possible. and it will ruin my life because im 18 and it is always going to be there.

I am so sorry for eveything ive done, and she's telling me to f*ck off. and just. I cant let this happen. I need to talk to the all. Im going to ruin the rest of my life by doing that, but at least I'll have a chance to save theirs.

I cant live knowing i've done this. I dont know what to do. I am willing to risk everything so that this doesnt happen.

this is so serious. i dont know what to do!!!!!

 

No, sweets, you haven't ruined anyone's life. They are all responsible for their decisions and their actions. This really has nothing to do with you.

 

 

 

What is this criminal record you're talking about?

 

When we first broke up, I went over to her house to talk to her about it. She got really mad at me for making her upset and called the cops on me. They sent 2 cars and 4 cops. They talked to both of us and said that even though both of us don't want me having a criminal record, tey will have to take me to the station, I'd have to spend the day in lockup, I'd have to go to court, and I'd have a criminal record. The cops said they didnt want to do this but that if they are called to someones home for a domestic disturbance, no matter what someone has to be punished. For some strange reason they let me off with a warning, as long as I didn't talk to her, or see her anymore...very nice cops.

She contacted me and said that she had been crying for the last 3 hours about what had happened. She didn't want me to get into so much trouble and was really sorry for doing this. She told me that the only way I would get in trouble with the cops was if I kept bugging her and she decided to call the cops on me again.

We started being friends and I believed that I was in the clear from the cops. But now that this has happened, she told me that she hates me and is going to call the cops to say that I've been talking to her, so that I'm punished for telling her mom.

I really believe that a cop would find this a stupid reason to ruin the rest of my life, but I know they would.

 

I have ruined everyone's life. This is completely MY fault. I called her mom, I caused all this to happen. If I hadn't called, this would never have happened.

I love her and her whole family. They mean so much to me and I can't just sit around and let this happen. I did this, and I know that it is up to them to decide what happens, but if eveyone is fighting with each other, they don't ever think. They just have to stop, calm down, realize what is happening and solve the problem. My ex never solves anything though. That's why she wants to leave in the first place..she has too many problems in this town that she has never done anything about and wants to just run away from them all. Her mom is trying to do what's best for her. I'm trying to do what's best for her. She doesnt co operate, she's really stubborn, and thinks it would be much easier to just move away and not have to deal with them.

I could type for hours, if there is anything else you want to know, please just ask.

 

I've f*ucked up so badly, and if I try to do anything about it, people just get worse. But I can't just sit here and do nothing, when something horrible that I caused is happening.

 

(smile)

 

I think the cops were tyring to put the fear of god in you...so both of you would stop wasting their time on a so-called domestic disturbance simply because your girlfriend was crying. They have better things to do, and trust me, they would have taken you in to the station had they thought there was any reason to. Your ex is a spoiled brat and they knew it. What is she going to tell them...ooooh, my ex talked to my mother and now I'm mad at him for ruining my life!!! Spoiled brat. Cops know better. You, however, do not, so are scared.

 

 

 

This is simply not true. Play it out. If you had said nothing, your ex would have run away. The **** would have hit the fan at that point. Mom would have called the cops to find her daughter, bring her home and punish her or whatever. Her mom would have found out then that the brother's girlfriend knew and didn't say anything. Mom would have sent her packing then anyway. The stuff with mom's boyfriend and child and wanting to sell the house has absolutely nothing to do with this situation, nor with you.

 

This is not your fault. Your ex is at fault for making her stupid plan in the first place. Brother's gf is at fault for keeping the secret. The other stuff, as I said, has nothing to do with this situation or you.

 

You did the right thing, though it was very hard. You should feel proud of yourself for averting a bigger disaster for your ex. Do not take so much responsibility for other people's lives and decisions. You really don't have as much control/power/affect as you are taking on yourself.

 

ya... look on the other forum if this is messed up looking.

[LaraV]

Unfinite - Read norajane's post over and over again because it is spot on. The Sh*t really would have hit the fan as soon as she had left. All this that is happening would have happened then. YOU have done NOTHING wrong. You did the most responsible thing you could do in your situation and you should feel proud about it. Let these people sort out their problems as best they can. As I told you before and I'll tell you again - informing her mother is the ONLY and LAST thing you need to do in this situation. Everything else is now out of your hands.

 

Also, don't let anybody intimidate you about any cops or criminal records. Unless you've done something that you haven't mentioned that actually warrants having a criminal record, you are not going to get into any trouble by doing what you've done. Having said that, it's time for you to step out of the situation and let everyone else handle their problems. This is out of your hands now. It's NOT your fault. No one's lives are ruined - as much as it looks like it right now. You did the right thing. Now just wait for these people to figure out how to solve their problems.

[KittenMoon]

I don't know where you live, but if this girl is only 16 and her new bf is 20, you may have saved HIM some serious criminal charges (again depending on your location).

 

Hopefully this girl grows up a bit and realizes that instead of ruining peoples lives, you may have done something to keep them from getting REALLY messed up.

 

Bravo for having the guts to do the right thing.

[scrybe74]

Dude...you need to get a grip. Really. I only speak english but if I could tell you in 6 other languages to get through to you I would. Nora said it right. Read it again if you have to. You are obviously very young and emotional and right now this seems bigger than it is. But the reality is right. This family was in trouble way before you came along and will probably stay troubled way after you've moved on with your life. Just be glad that you aren't hooked in too deep.

 

Adults are adults and are responsible for themselves and their own problems. The minors involved are not your responsibility. So you blew the lid off of a secret? Did you think it would STAY a secret if you said nothing?

 

Get real!

 

You did what you thought was best and you caused no harm. You merely shined a light on what was already a bad situation. If you're in HS then focus your energies on college....preferably somewhere far from this family.

[unfinite]

I talked to her mom about what she was doing, because I found out that what she is doing to solve this isn't going to work. She has decided that because my ex kept this secret from her, that she should be punished for it. My ex is no longer to go out with her bf, not allowed to go to a concert with her friend, and some other rules about curfews or somthing...I dont know very much.

There is no way that my ex is going to want to stay if what she thought was bad before is worse. I think that some of the rules here mom made are a bit extreem, but I can't tell her how to be a parent. My ex wants to move out even more now because of this and is looking for a place to stay for August.

Here's the twist.

Her mother told me, and her earlier, that if she left, her mom would disown her. She would not have a home to come back to if this doesn't work out, and that would be fair if she deserved that, but she doesnt. I love her a lot, and I would hate for something that bad to happen to her. Learning that way would not help anything. She would learn the lesson that "running away from home is a really stupid idea", but I don't think it will be a usefull lesson if she cant ever use that knowlege.

One more twist...I talked to her boyfriend before I talked to her mom yesterday. He doesnt seem to think that HE is doing this. But I told him: If he is the one that allows her to leave town, thats worse than being the one that talked her into leaving town. He has the ability to not let this happen...all he has to do is not take her, and everything would work out.

And the last twist...

Her mom told me that if they do leave, the minute they do, she's calling the cops and having him arrested for kidnapping. She is only 16...so she has to have her parents permission to move out right? She is not 18 (an adult), so she cannot make this decision, legally, by herself.

I don't know if I should tell him this...I think I should, because it would put an end to this now, but maybe they would find some way around it or something...maybe she'd get amansipated (or whatever).

The way I picture it, I tell him what her mom is going to do if he takes her. I tell him that "even though you no longer want to do this because you would go to jail, don't tell her thats your reason. She will think you're selfish for doing that, even though it's a very reasonable decision"

But then again...wouldn't they break up if he did tell her thats the reason? That is sortof what I want, but I want her to be happy, and she is with him. So do I get revenge by letting them break up? or do I try to make their relationship work out and not trick him?

...hmm that sounds like im going to get an obvious answer.

apart from those two choices, there is the path that I just dont do anything. That might be the path a lot of peopl etell me to take, because they think that this is none of my business. But I care about her, and I know taht she would be hurt a lot if her boyfriend was arrested for something she did...I also know that after she left, she wouldn't be allowed home anyways...so this is not the right choice if I want her to be happy.

I hope I didn't sound too confusing when you read this. I would really like some decent answers like the one's I've been getting.

[Craig]

If the cops arrest you, that doesn't mean that you will be charged with something and have to go to court and get convicted. The District Attorney will look at the evidence and more than likely not proceed with charges if all you have done is talk to her and try to get her to understand that what she is doing is not in her best interests.

 

You haven't ruined anyones life. If the players in this drama hadn't done the things they did then none of it would have happened.

 

Just remain calm when talking to people, don't make any threats of violence and you'll be fine.

 

You did the right thing in telling her mom.

[Outcast]

At this point, you've done all you can do, I think. They've been warned and I'm sure her mother will make it crystal clear to her that he can't take her out of state without having the FBI on his tail. Time to step back and let whatever happens happen. In the worst case, she's a stubborn and foolish girl, will do it anyway, and incur all the consequences. And maybe she'll learn while there's still time that actions bear consequences. If it takes being disowned to do it, well she won't have figured it out despite all the precursors to the disowning so something drastic might be the only thing to wake the girl up.

 

Yes, it will be hard to watch if it happens, but that's a life lesson - some people seem intent on self-destruction and there's not one thing you can do about it.

[norajane]

You have really, really got to step back.

 

but I can't tell her how to be a parent.

 

Absolutely right. You cannot tell her how to be a parent. You have no idea how to be a parent, and you have no idea what is right under these circumstances. Back off.

 

Her mother told me, and her earlier, that if she left, her mom would disown her. She would not have a home to come back to if this doesn't work out

 

It's called tough love. Again, you do not know how to be a parent, she is not your child.

 

Does your ex have any money? She's not going to find anywhere to go without first and last month's rent, plus a credit history and job. She may try to go with the boyfriend, but he's not stupid. He knows he'd get busted for being 20 with a 16 year old girl. And I'm sure your ex's mom will have made that clear to her daughter and the boyfriend.

 

I don't know if I should tell him this...

 

...But then again...wouldn't they break up if he did tell her thats the reason? That is sortof what I want,

 

BACK OFF NOW. You want her back; that's why you are so hell-bent on getting involved more and more. Back off.