Guest Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 My boyfriend and I have been dating for one year (we are both 29), and I am on the edge of leaving the relationship because of his "single" behaviour. Most of his friends are single and party out at bars every weekend. Through our relationship he has spent more time doing these activities (without me) than I feel comfortable with. When I address this with him, he reassures me that he loves me and is simply adjusting to fitting a girlfriend into his life. (He hasn't been in a realtionship for a long time and this is NOT for lack of ability to meet women). On this same note...many of my friends are in relationships and do things as couples. Therefore, he always tries to get out of social commitments with me & my friends that he sees as for "old people" and "not fun". i.e housewarmings, engagement parties etc. Recently the problems with these issues have increased...for example if he wants to go partying on a Friday night, he simply won't call me that day so he won't have to "deal with me". He made up a family commitment the other day to get out of attending a work function with me! When I address these things with him he says that I am causing the issues by getting upset and not respecting his space. The fact is, I have a lot of friends and interests and do A LOT of things without him. On the positive side...we have lot of really good times together as well as a very strong attraction for each other. We both have dated quite a bit and prefer each other to anyone else we have met. I initiated a break with him (which he is objects to) and I do miss him in the worst way! When do I give up on him!? He says that he wants us to be together and that he loves me, but his behaviour says that he wants to be SINGLE!
theman101 Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I don't know when he thinks you do house warmings and engagement parties but it's definitely not after 50 y/o. It's more like after 25.
insomnie Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I don't know what advice to give you except that I am in the exact same situation with my boyfriend (only instead of partying he spends all his time video gaming and driving around the country with HIS friends). We are younger though (20) but he also will avoid me so as not to deal with me, and it is really starting to get on my nerves. He says he wants to be single, too, except he doesn't want to lose me. I would say give your boyfriend more space, and be less available yourself when he wants to hang out...except it sounds like you're giving him plenty of space already, and he isn't reciprocatng by meeting any of YOUR needs. I know it's a complicated issue because you love him and like spending time with him.... but if he keeps valuing his freedom over you to such an extent, and avoids being there for you, it will be time to move on since you won't be getting much out of the relaitonship other than the grace of his company every once in a while.
destination_unknown Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Ok, seriously girls - FLUCK THAT! Certainly, everyone needs space and time to spend alone, with their friends alone and with their work, but these guys are taking the piss. They want to be single but want to keep you for when they need a boost. I'm sure you deserve more than that! Ditch them both. Why settle for crumbs of someones time and affection? Is that what you really want? Is that what gives you peace and contentment? No more settling ok?
konfuzd Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Ok, seriously girls - FLUCK THAT! Certainly, everyone needs space and time to spend alone, with their friends alone and with their work, but these guys are taking the piss. They want to be single but want to keep you for when they need a boost. I'm sure you deserve more than that! Ditch them both. Why settle for crumbs of someones time and affection? Is that what you really want? Is that what gives you peace and contentment? No more settling ok? I have to agree, maybe not as far ad ditching them, but at least stand up for yourselves. Why are you both acting like doormats to these guys and let them have their way completely? Relationships are about compromise. Don't let him get away with getting everything he wants out of the relationship while you are still looking for more. Damn rights you deserve more than that!
norajane Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Most of his friends are single and party out at bars every weekend. ...many of my friends are in relationships and do things as couples. This is the crux of your problem. You are in a different places in your life and want different things right now. He's not likely to change as long as all his buddies are in the same circumstances as he is. He likes his life that way. You've already tried to discuss this with him, and he has told you that the problem between you exists because you find his behavior unacceptable. He's right...meaning, if you were ok with partying single every weekend, there wouldn't be a problem. However, he's also wrong...meaning, that if he were ok with doing couple things with you instead, there also wouldn't be a problem. You have to decide if you can accept the situation as-is or not. Unless all his friends start getting into serious couple relationships, he will continue doing what he's doing.
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