HopefulOne Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Hi, She didn't do this. HE did this. She reacted to him. Maybe, but I got an attitude from her and it seems like he resents such. If a guy likes a girl and feels understood, he won't just disappear. Ariadne Okay, I now have a name and not guest ... I think you might have misunderstood. He said there was nothing to forgive me for ( not vice versa). I am not a bossy person at all and I think in the almost 3 years that I have been with him I am a very understanding person. I think my reaction to his disappearing act in the recent months has made me question his motives and if he wants to be with me. I may have overreacted to some degree, I can agree with that however, if you say you are going to do something, then you should do it. I can tell you, if I were to do that to him ( not calling, disappearing) he wouldn't tolerate that at all, one night I fell alseep and he called and the next morning when he called at 6a.m. he screamed at me and told me to never call him again and he wanted to know what I was doing, I told him the truth ( i was sleeping) and he didn't want to believe me. Anyway, I kind of got side tracked there. Yes, I do make mistakes and yes sometimes I have overreacted and no I am not perfect. The first he disappeared had nothing to do with me, one night it was great and I love you and the next poof he's gone for 2 1/2 weeks with not one phone call, nothing and turned his phone off. So, I don't want to ramble on and on, I was just looking for some advice, either way I will take your constructive criticism and appreciate your opinion.
HopefulOne Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Hi Guest, hey all, I know this has been done but whats his star sign? is he a Cancerian? or does he have low self esteem issues? He is a libra ???
HopefulOne Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 I haven't eaten much in days, but mostly because I'm happy with this weight loss. It was definitely an ego boost. I know I can't just stop eating completely, but since I don't really have much of an appetite (for once in my life), I am not going to force myself to eat. I'll try to lose it slower though. I went from 151 to 142 in one week.... I know that is way too fast. But my crying spells have stopped. Now if I could just stop sleeping so much. I woke up at 1:30 today. How are you feeling? Are you still NC? Yes, I myself have lost a little weight... You must try to eat and sleep a little more, I know this is hard because it seems I have been sleeping way to much myself and break into crying spells. That's a lot of weight to lose in a week. Yes, still in no call and I honestly don't think I will hear from him. I think the text message the other kinda summed up what he was thinking and I need to respect his not wanting to talk to me. I so want to pick up the phone, I want to work things out but I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, maybe he just can't say that to me. Yes, in answer to your other question, he is caring person but he is also very stubborn and bullheaded. I wouldn't say he is very sentimental. Please take care of yourself Mollyanna, eat !!!!!!
Ariadne Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Hi again, I think in the almost 3 years that I have been with him I am a very understanding person. Ok. But usually guys (and girls) don't like this kind of thing: ~ he didn't respond and said he was going to call me later when he was finished with work. ~ I got no call and he texted me at 1:30 in the morning to tell me he was going to bed. ~ I was upset and asked why he didn't call ~ he said it was late and he was miserable. ~ I texted back and said that didn't mean he couldn't respond back to me (we got into it) (he said he was in the car with one of his male co-workers) ~ and that means you can't respond? you can't talk to me or text me in front of them? ~ are you saying that you think I was with someone else? (meaning a girl) ~ I don't know what to think anymore... -------------- And then act like this: ~ Geez, I was trying to be respectful and nice and this is what I get back, some cryptic message. ~ What's wrong with him, is he a comittment phobe or what? ~ I would never treat someone like this, ever and I can't believe he is doing this??????????????? --------------- I mean, the guy did text you at night after all and told you that he was going to bed. Ok, he didn't call you, no biggie. (He is not perfect) And then he went on and on giving you a million "explanations" why he didn't call you, or respond to the texting, or whatever, and still you accused him of maybe being with someone else. If I had a girlfriend even that acted like that I'd send her to hell. I don't like to be with someone I feel like walking on eggshells. But, like Mollyanna said, most likely he'll call you because guys when they get alone they start remembering the good times only. So you could bank on that I guess, but if you answer with some more accusations the guy is going to have it. It seems like he is at the end of the rope already. My take, Ariadne
HopefulOne Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Hi again, I think in the almost 3 years that I have been with him I am a very understanding person. Ok. But usually guys (and girls) don't like this kind of thing: ~ he didn't respond and said he was going to call me later when he was finished with work. ~ I got no call and he texted me at 1:30 in the morning to tell me he was going to bed. ~ I was upset and asked why he didn't call ~ he said it was late and he was miserable. ~ I texted back and said that didn't mean he couldn't respond back to me (we got into it) (he said he was in the car with one of his male co-workers) ~ and that means you can't respond? you can't talk to me or text me in front of them? ~ are you saying that you think I was with someone else? (meaning a girl) ~ I don't know what to think anymore... -------------- And then act like this: ~ Geez, I was trying to be respectful and nice and this is what I get back, some cryptic message. ~ What's wrong with him, is he a comittment phobe or what? ~ I would never treat someone like this, ever and I can't believe he is doing this??????????????? --------------- I mean, the guy did text you at night after all and told you that he was going to bed. Ok, he didn't call you, no biggie. (He is not perfect) And then he went on and on giving you a million "explanations" why he didn't call you, or respond to the texting, or whatever, and still you accused him of maybe being with someone else. If I had a girlfriend even that acted like that I'd send her to hell. I don't like to be with someone I feel like walking on eggshells. But, like Mollyanna said, most likely he'll call you because guys when they get alone they start remembering the good times only. So you could bank on that I guess, but if you answer with some more accusations the guy is going to have it. It seems like he is at the end of the rope already. My take, Ariadne Ariadne, Okay, first I didn't accuse him of anything, I did reply with I don't know what's going on anymore ( I am a little skeptical now of the disappearing stuff and yes maybe I am letting my fears get the best of me. Secondly, if you read all the post, I did call and leave a message because he didn't answer and I apologized and told him that I didn't like the way that I had acted, it wasn't fair of me to jump on him like that, I really did feel badly for my behavior. I do trust him and we have never gotten into an agruement before about that stuff, which even suprised me that he said what you think I was with someone else. Since his disappearing acts, not once did I think he was with someone else nor did I ever ask that. I am skeptical now about trusting him with my heart, it has nothing to do with thinking he is with someone else. Again, I do appreciate your opinion but I do find it strange that you don't find his behavior in the least bit wrong.
Ariadne Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Hi, Okay, first I didn't accuse him of anything, I did reply with I don't know what's going on anymore Yeah, that's true, I guess you didn't. I did call and leave a message because he didn't answer and I apologized That's true, too. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound mean either. I was trying to figure out why the disappearing act and all the rest. Well, hope things can be worked out. After all you guys have been together for a while. Good luck, Ariadne
HopefulOne Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Ariadne I didn't get that from her posts. Seemed to me that she was reacting to the distance he'd create. She'd see the closeness they had, and suddenly for no real reason, he'd be gone. And it would throw her through a crazy spinning cycle of questions that had no answers. She didn't do this. HE did this. She reacted to him. If BOTH of them had worked to create stablility then this wouldnt' have happened. She worked for it... he undermined it. Like building a house. She was setting the bricks, while he was the quicksand. Her only fault might have come from choosing to stay with the guy after the first dissappearing act. If you want to call it a fault. I can almost guarantee he'd get the same reaction from nearly any woman. However, has she had the same reaction with every guy? Guess she could look back on her past and see if there's a theme and what it is saying about her choices in relationships. Does she "freak" (for lack of a better word) on every guy over something? Or is this a rare occurance? Do to a certain set of circumstances? No actually I do not freak, I have never been like that. What you would probably here ( even from one of ex's that I dated for 5 years- we are still very good friends) is that I am too forgiving - I never freaked out on him. So, yes I would agree that it is do to a certain set of circumstances.
HopefulOne Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Ariadne I didn't get that from her posts. Seemed to me that she was reacting to the distance he'd create. She'd see the closeness they had, and suddenly for no real reason, he'd be gone. And it would throw her through a crazy spinning cycle of questions that had no answers. She didn't do this. HE did this. She reacted to him. If BOTH of them had worked to create stablility then this wouldnt' have happened. She worked for it... he undermined it. Like building a house. She was setting the bricks, while he was the quicksand. Her only fault might have come from choosing to stay with the guy after the first dissappearing act. If you want to call it a fault. I can almost guarantee he'd get the same reaction from nearly any woman. However, has she had the same reaction with every guy? Guess she could look back on her past and see if there's a theme and what it is saying about her choices in relationships. Does she "freak" (for lack of a better word) on every guy over something? Or is this a rare occurance? Do to a certain set of circumstances? Hi, Okay, first I didn't accuse him of anything, I did reply with I don't know what's going on anymore Yeah, that's true, I guess you didn't. I did call and leave a message because he didn't answer and I apologized That's true, too. Sorry, I didn't mean to sound mean either. I was trying to figure out why the disappearing act and all the rest. Well, hope things can be worked out. After all you guys have been together for a while. Good luck, Ariadne I realize you were not trying to be mean and thank you. His disappearing like he said is him and not me, he just freaks out, always says he knows what he wants but just doesn't know how to get there. I can't understand although I do try. He has issues obivously which he would tell you but I can't fix them, he has to do that. I can be there if he needs me to listen. I will agree with that at times I can be confrontational but only mostly when you back me into a corner if you will. Thanks again !!
Ariadne Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Hi, I do find it strange that you don't find his behavior in the least bit wrong. Well, the disappearing act is kind of freaky, true that. I wouldn't like that either. Ariadne
Mollyanna Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 why DO calls say they will call and don't call? Here I sat all night and waited for him to call, because when he said goodbye this morning, he said "I will call you later on". But last week, when I told him not to bother calling me, he would call me twice a day!!! What gives?
HopefulOne Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 why DO calls say they will call and don't call? Here I sat all night and waited for him to call, because when he said goodbye this morning, he said "I will call you later on". But last week, when I told him not to bother calling me, he would call me twice a day!!! What gives? Are you still talking to him, I am not quite sure of your situation as you didn't really say much about it? Honestly, if you want my opinion, he knows you will sit around and wait for him and when you tell him not to he does because you might be doing something else. In my mind that's a control issue, however he said he would call later, the nights not over yet.
HopefulOne Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Hi, I do find it strange that you don't find his behavior in the least bit wrong. Well, the disappearing act is kind of freaky, true that. I wouldn't like that either. Ariadne Oh, I did want to say one other thing, that when he sent me the text saying that we were not compatible and that he was angry with me and couldn't talk to me yet, I texted back and said okay, I understand, thanks for letting me know and that I appreciated him giving me a response.
Walk Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 HopefulOne. I personally wouldn't be able to handle dating someone like you're describing. I'd always wonder when the floor was going to drop out. Relationships are hard enough without knowing that if something even slightly difficult came up, that my partner would vanish. To me, a relationship should be with someone who you trust to be there for you. Doesn't have to be perfect, but just knowing they'll listen and want to help goes a long way. But your guy disappears. Vanishes. It's all fine and dandy as long as you don't ask anything from him. He wants the security of having you there, but won't give you the same. Take the missed phone call for instance. It's okay for him not to return a call, or even contact you for 2 and a half weeks... but you delay a return call for 12 hours and he blows a nut? A.) I don't feel you did anything wrong. B.) I think he's immature and is incapable of dealing with emotions in a responsible adult manner C.) Its RUDE to just disappear on someone who you "supposedly" love. D.) It shows no concern for your safety and well being. E.) It destroys communication. No comm = no relationship. F.) It destroys trust. G.) Its hypocritical to ask you to be ok with no communication from him. Yet not okay for you to do the same. Double standard. H.) It places the responsibility of keeping the relationship going onto your shoulders. It's supposed to be a team effort. The one thing I know is that you can't change someone else. No matter how badly you want to, or how much you feel it would benefit them... you can NOT change that person. He will always be this way. He will always run at the smallest problem, or slightest hitch. Accept it. He isn't going to change. The only way a person will change, is if they desire it and work for it. He doesn't see a problem with his behavior. I think you are being too forgiving, too understanding.. and in the long run, you're enabling him in avoiding his problems. And causing yourself to be unhappy by continuing to stay in the situation. I think you've given enough, and he doesn't deserve to get anything else from you. And by constantly being there, and forgiving him each time, you re-enforce his avoidance. He doesn't have to confront it because it WILL just go away. You drop it. You forgive him. He gets what he wants... you don't.
HopefulOne Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 HopefulOne. I personally wouldn't be able to handle dating someone like you're describing. I'd always wonder when the floor was going to drop out. Relationships are hard enough without knowing that if something even slightly difficult came up, that my partner would vanish. Exactly how I feel !!!! To me, a relationship should be with someone who you trust to be there for you. Doesn't have to be perfect, but just knowing they'll listen and want to help goes a long way. But your guy disappears. Vanishes. It's all fine and dandy as long as you don't ask anything from him. He wants the security of having you there, but won't give you the same. Take the missed phone call for instance. It's okay for him not to return a call, or even contact you for 2 and a half weeks... but you delay a return call for 12 hours and he blows a nut? Again, point on.... I do not trust him with my heart anymore!!!! A.) I don't feel you did anything wrong. B.) I think he's immature and is incapable of dealing with emotions in a responsible adult manner C.) Its RUDE to just disappear on someone who you "supposedly" love. D.) It shows no concern for your safety and well being. E.) It destroys communication. No comm = no relationship. F.) It destroys trust. G.) Its hypocritical to ask you to be ok with no communication from him. Yet not okay for you to do the same. Double standard. H.) It places the responsibility of keeping the relationship going onto your shoulders. It's supposed to be a team effort. The one thing I know is that you can't change someone else. No matter how badly you want to, or how much you feel it would benefit them... you can NOT change that person. He will always be this way. He will always run at the smallest problem, or slightest hitch. Accept it. He isn't going to change. The only way a person will change, is if they desire it and work for it. He doesn't see a problem with his behavior. I think you are being too forgiving, too understanding.. and in the long run, you're enabling him in avoiding his problems. And causing yourself to be unhappy by continuing to stay in the situation. I think you've given enough, and he doesn't deserve to get anything else from you. And by constantly being there, and forgiving him each time, you re-enforce his avoidance. He doesn't have to confront it because it WILL just go away. You drop it. You forgive him. He gets what he wants... you don't. I think that you are right, that I am that way and I think I had gotten to the point where I would walk on eggshells sometimes because me bringing the slightest thing (let's make plans to see each other this weekend) would turn into something big. ( He always says he wants to want to do things but he doesn't want to be made to feel that he has to - his view is that relationships should be about wanting to do things with your partner and while I agree, the minute you ask him to do anything he gets all weird. Like, it has to be on his terms. ) Maybe once he could have asked me what I want and what I needed ( that would have been nice). It still hurts and I thought that each day that goes by would be a little easier but to me it seems harder. I am having a tough time. I have to realize and while my rational mind does see all the things that you said, he didn't want me, didn't have any respect for me and that's that. Hurts to feel that way after this long. After I have been there to support him through everything and I am the one who sits here feeling completely empty..........................
HopefulOne Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 I so want to pick up the phone... I haven't and why do I feel so responsible, like I hurt him??? I think if he would at least told me to leave him alone, which is what I ask him, that I could get past this a little easier... I know it wouldn't be easy that way either but at least I would know.... ???
aljc123 Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 oldest trick in the book, its true, for him to make you feel like youre crazy...they all try and get away with that one.. youre not crazy honey
HopefulOne Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 oldest trick in the book, its true, for him to make you feel like youre crazy...they all try and get away with that one.. youre not crazy honey I do feel like I am crazy.... but I KNOW I AM NOT..... I just want to be normal again
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