Is it me or him?

July 25, 2006

In need of some serious advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years and we have had our share of ups and downs. He has for lack of a better word "freaked out" and dissappeared twice before. I tried to be understanding as to why and we discussed it and he had told me that he has issues with himself and gets scared if you will.

Now of course this puts doubts in my head and I have to wonder to myself - will it happen again and I have told him my concerns. Well last week, we got into a arguement and it was me who started it, he had texted me and asked me a question and when I responded and ask him something back, he didn't respond and he had also said he was going to call me later when he was finished with work.

I got no call and he texted me at 1:30 in the morning to tell me he was going to bed. Now, I was upset and asked why he didn't call and he said it was late and he was miserable. I texted back and said that didn't mean he couldn't respond back to me. Talked to him the next day and we got into it. Basically he said he was in the car with one of his male co-workers. I just said and that means you can't respond, what you can't talk to me or text me in front of them? He repsonded with, so what are you saying, that you think I was with someone else( meaning a girl), I responded with I don't know what to think anymore. He got angry and said it's obvious you don't trust me and if that's the case, maybe you should go your own way and I will go mine, then he hung up. THen he texted me a couple of times that night saying things like you are always right and good for you, nice job.

Okay, a few days go by and somehow I am left feeling a little guilty for my behavior and maybe I did over react because of the "freak outs" before. So, I call, he doesn't answer I leave a message apologizing for my behavior. I get no response. Okay, that's fine, so I text him and ask him if he would like for me to leave him alone or is he angry with me? ( I didn't want this to end badly, I wanted to mature about it). He responds with " I disappeared", I repsonded back with what, I don't know what that means, he responds back with Consider me disappeared, I can't be trusted.

Geez, I was trying to be respectful and nice and this is what I get back, some cryptic message. By the way, he is 39 and I am 38. So, here I sit feeling confused, hurt, not even sure what to think. I sent him a message back asking him again the same thing and that I was trying to be respectful of what he wanted. I got nothing. What do you make of this behavior? Can anyone out there help me put this into perspective, I feel like the dumb girl who doesn't get it. It's making me crazy?

July 25, 2006

In need of some serious advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years and we have had our share of ups and downs. He has for lack of a better word "freaked out" and dissappeared twice before. I tried to be understanding as to why and we discussed it and he had told me that he has issues with himself and gets scared if you will.

Now of course this puts doubts in my head and I have to wonder to myself - will it happen again and I have told him my concerns. Well last week, we got into a arguement and it was me who started it, he had texted me and asked me a question and when I responded and ask him something back, he didn't respond and he had also said he was going to call me later when he was finished with work.

I got no call and he texted me at 1:30 in the morning to tell me he was going to bed. Now, I was upset and asked why he didn't call and he said it was late and he was miserable. I texted back and said that didn't mean he couldn't respond back to me. Talked to him the next day and we got into it. Basically he said he was in the car with one of his male co-workers. I just said and that means you can't respond, what you can't talk to me or text me in front of them? He repsonded with, so what are you saying, that you think I was with someone else( meaning a girl), I responded with I don't know what to think anymore. He got angry and said it's obvious you don't trust me and if that's the case, maybe you should go your own way and I will go mine, then he hung up. THen he texted me a couple of times that night saying things like you are always right and good for you, nice job.

Okay, a few days go by and somehow I am left feeling a little guilty for my behavior and maybe I did over react because of the "freak outs" before. So, I call, he doesn't answer I leave a message apologizing for my behavior. I get no response. Okay, that's fine, so I text him and ask him if he would like for me to leave him alone or is he angry with me? ( I didn't want this to end badly, I wanted to mature about it). He responds with " I disappeared", I repsonded back with what, I don't know what that means, he responds back with Consider me disappeared, I can't be trusted.

Geez, I was trying to be respectful and nice and this is what I get back, some cryptic message. By the way, he is 39 and I am 38. So, here I sit feeling confused, hurt, not even sure what to think. I sent him a message back asking him again the same thing and that I was trying to be respectful of what he wanted. I got nothing. What do you make of this behavior? Can anyone out there help me put this into perspective, I feel like the dumb girl who doesn't get it. It's making me crazy?

I for some reason can't stop crying.... Why can't we all just be adults.

July 25, 2006

I for some reason can't stop crying.... Why can't we all just be adults.

I would really appreciate anyone who could give me an opinion here. I am at a loss, I don't know what to do?

July 25, 2006

Well, his behaviour is quite immature. But you know what guys get like when they are called out for not calling when they say they will. Don't let his childish behaviour get YOU down. Fair enough, it takes people time to cool off after an argument but the sulking and dissapearing is simply a sign of immaturity and inability to deal productively with conflict.

Don't keep apologising, once was enough, and I don't think you should placate him either. Give him some time to realise he is being immature, and then try to work this issue out with him when you have both calmed down over the things that were said. DONT be afraid to bring this up in fear that he will dissapear again, you will only get yourself into a vicious cycle. The issues about how you deal with conflict as a couple NEED to be ironed out when your both cooled off.

Try googleling for articles on ways to deal with conflict healthily. If at the stage when you are sitting down and working this out, he STILL cant speak to you rationally and maturely, then you need to re-evaluate if you want to be in this relationship. You want a mature adult relationship, not another toddler.

July 25, 2006

In need of some serious advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years and we have had our share of ups and downs. He has for lack of a better word "freaked out" and dissappeared twice before. I tried to be understanding as to why and we discussed it and he had told me that he has issues with himself and gets scared if you will.

Now of course this puts doubts in my head and I have to wonder to myself - will it happen again and I have told him my concerns. Well last week, we got into a arguement and it was me who started it, he had texted me and asked me a question and when I responded and ask him something back, he didn't respond and he had also said he was going to call me later when he was finished with work.

I got no call and he texted me at 1:30 in the morning to tell me he was going to bed. Now, I was upset and asked why he didn't call and he said it was late and he was miserable. I texted back and said that didn't mean he couldn't respond back to me. Talked to him the next day and we got into it. Basically he said he was in the car with one of his male co-workers. I just said and that means you can't respond, what you can't talk to me or text me in front of them? He repsonded with, so what are you saying, that you think I was with someone else( meaning a girl), I responded with I don't know what to think anymore. He got angry and said it's obvious you don't trust me and if that's the case, maybe you should go your own way and I will go mine, then he hung up. THen he texted me a couple of times that night saying things like you are always right and good for you, nice job.

Okay, a few days go by and somehow I am left feeling a little guilty for my behavior and maybe I did over react because of the "freak outs" before. So, I call, he doesn't answer I leave a message apologizing for my behavior. I get no response. Okay, that's fine, so I text him and ask him if he would like for me to leave him alone or is he angry with me? ( I didn't want this to end badly, I wanted to mature about it). He responds with " I disappeared", I repsonded back with what, I don't know what that means, he responds back with Consider me disappeared, I can't be trusted.

Geez, I was trying to be respectful and nice and this is what I get back, some cryptic message. By the way, he is 39 and I am 38. So, here I sit feeling confused, hurt, not even sure what to think. I sent him a message back asking him again the same thing and that I was trying to be respectful of what he wanted. I got nothing. What do you make of this behavior? Can anyone out there help me put this into perspective, I feel like the dumb girl who doesn't get it. It's making me crazy?

Just a guy's perspective -

My only criticism of you is that at the end....you may have overreacted....just a little bit though. But I understand why. It's cumalative reaction to his behavior over the last 2 years or so.

But....BUT....

He's acting like a spoiled child. Instead of dealing with you like an adult he's acting out like a child. You are acting like a mother who spoils her child. You have every right to be at least irritated that he didn't call when he said he would and that he just blew it off like it was no big deal. If someone doesn't want to talk...then they should just say that. Maybe he couldn't talk in the car with his friend but that's a cop out. He could have sent you a text that he was busy so will call you tomorrow.

Anyway....he's using the oldest guy trick in the book....make her feel guilty/crazy. I don't like playing mind games with people but I bet if you stopped calling him and skip three of his calls he'll come looking for you and/or will apologise.

My real advice is to think long and hard about whether you want to put yourself through this again and again for the next several years or the rest of your life. I'm sure if you think really hard about you you'll realize that you deserve better treatment than that. You deserve to be with someone that won't simply 'dissappear' without warning. Set some standards and stick to them. Some minimum standards on how you are to be treated by a man. When a man fails to treat you right...explain to him how it makes you feel. When he still can't get it right...move on the next guy.

Don't cry anymore. He's not worth your tears. Save those tears for a happier occasion.

July 26, 2006

Just a guy's perspective -
My only criticism of you is that at the end....you may have overreacted....just a little bit though. But I understand why. It's cumalative reaction to his behavior over the last 2 years or so.

But....BUT....

He's acting like a spoiled child. Instead of dealing with you like an adult he's acting out like a child. You are acting like a mother who spoils her child. You have every right to be at least irritated that he didn't call when he said he would and that he just blew it off like it was no big deal. If someone doesn't want to talk...then they should just say that. Maybe he couldn't talk in the car with his friend but that's a cop out. He could have sent you a text that he was busy so will call you tomorrow.

Anyway....he's using the oldest guy trick in the book....make her feel guilty/crazy. I don't like playing mind games with people but I bet if you stopped calling him and skip three of his calls he'll come looking for you and/or will apologise.

My real advice is to think long and hard about whether you want to put yourself through this again and again for the next several years or the rest of your life. I'm sure if you think really hard about you you'll realize that you deserve better treatment than that. You deserve to be with someone that won't simply 'dissappear' without warning. Set some standards and stick to them. Some minimum standards on how you are to be treated by a man. When a man fails to treat you right...explain to him how it makes you feel. When he still can't get it right...move on the next guy.

Don't cry anymore. He's not worth your tears. Save those tears for a happier occasion.

Thanks so much for you opinion. I really can't deal with the dissappearing anymore, it leaves with anytime conflict comes about he's on the run, I don't want to be with someone like that. I left him a message this evening telling him that can't do the dissappearing anymore( because it is terrifying) and that his reactions and no response only says to me that he doesn't value or respect our relationship or me and that isn't a good sign and because of that I have no idea how he feels anymore but that I thought I at least deserved some response as I was trying to do the right thing, wether it be he wants me gone etc. I ended it by telling him that I truly did love him and that I hoped that I would hear back from him ( and no I didn't mean in a month).

Oh, I also said in the beginning of the message that this would be the last time I call if I did not get a response. I haven't heard back and I am not sure that I thought I would but I needed to have some respect for myself. Do you think it was the right thing to do?

July 26, 2006

I think you made the best decision for yourself. It might be be good in that you left it open for him, in that you could harbor "hope" that he'll call tomorrow or next week or whatnot. It probably would have been better if you called it off, and said you didn't want to hear from him in the near future because you needed time to heal, and that you'd contact him if you felt the time was right for you to maybe be friends.

Either way, it took strength to break it off and know that you deserve so much more than he was willing to give, so kudos to you :-) Now, start by not contacting him, for as long as humanly possible. Day 21 of no contact for me...it's not easy, but you can do it...

Jennifer

July 26, 2006

I agree that NC is the best way to go. You pushing him saying you don't know how he feels anymore, well that again says you don't trust him which is what he was mad about to begin with. Give him some time to think. He may be thinking you are a little insecure right now. But if you don't call him or text him, you will look (and maybe become!) stronger.

That being said, I know this is very difficult for you. I had 2 extremely bad days where I sent my guy 17 text messages. I could not control it. When he did talk to me, he said "come on, I know you are stronger than this. You aren't THAT pathetic". OH but I was. Texting him was some kind of release. But my other release became my friends and LS. I wrote my message in 3 different forums and talked for hours to friends until I was exhausted. I no longer text him. He has been calling me now twice a day.

July 26, 2006

I agree that NC is the best way to go. You pushing him saying you don't know how he feels anymore, well that again says you don't trust him which is what he was mad about to begin with. Give him some time to think. He may be thinking you are a little insecure right now. But if you don't call him or text him, you will look (and maybe become!) stronger.

That being said, I know this is very difficult for you. I had 2 extremely bad days where I sent my guy 17 text messages. I could not control it. When he did talk to me, he said "come on, I know you are stronger than this. You aren't THAT pathetic". OH but I was. Texting him was some kind of release. But my other release became my friends and LS. I wrote my message in 3 different forums and talked for hours to friends until I was exhausted. I no longer text him. He has been calling me now twice a day.

I don't know that I am insecure as much as it is a horrible feeling when someone just disappears on you because they freak out or can't handle something. Last time he did this which was only about 3 weeks ago and it wasn't even over an arguement, it was because I was asking him what he thought about me moving to where he is ( he moved a couple of months ago because of work) we have mentioned it in coversation before but he seemed all weirded out by it and said I guess I should sit down and think about what I want but told me not to feel bad for bringing it up as it was him and not me ( oh that line) but that conversation ended nicely and I didn't realize he was gonna freak out and disappear but he did for two weeks then sent me a message saying Sorry, I am a loser. I again thought I handled it very nicely and told him that he could talk to me if he wanted and I would listen and I asked him if he needed some time or if you wanted me to leave him alone, he said no, he appreciated to out but he didn't want it. I didn't get mad at him but I did explain that I didn't like the disappearing as it left in a state of confusion, hurt and you just feel like you are justs hanging there. The week after that I said to him, you won't disappear on me again will you and he said no, you didn't do anything to freak me out. Now all that being said, I never did get a response to the moving after all the thinking he was going do and I never brought it up again.

So maybe I did overreact a little to his no phone call but I do feel like somehow I am not a priority in his and he can pick up and disappear at anytime. It hurts like hell when he does that.

What I don't get is when you say to someone - do you want me to leave you alone or are you angry at me? How hard is that to respond to? Why did he have to send me a message back saying I disappeared, was that too hurt me? How much respect does that show he has for me or our relationship, I try to be respectful of him and his space but how far do I have to go?

Oh My, it's not a good day and I haven't heard from him after I left the message yesterday.

July 26, 2006

I am just in amazement I suppose, why would someone do this to someone they apparently love, I just don't get it. What's wrong with him, is he a comittment phobe or what? I would never treat someone like this, ever and I can't believe he is doing this???????????????

July 27, 2006

I am just in amazement I suppose, why would someone do this to someone they apparently love, I just don't get it. What's wrong with him, is he a comittment phobe or what? I would never treat someone like this, ever and I can't believe he is doing this???????????????

It's another day and I still have not heard from him. This morning I got up and decided that I would try to have a good day, do things for me and I have been trying. I just can't seem to get him out of my mind. Why is this so hard? I feel like he left me just hanging in mid-air. What does one do with this, I have never had someone do this and I can't seem to cope with it.

July 28, 2006

Is writing on here helping at all? I also talk the situation through over and over on the phone with every one of my friends until I am just sick of hearing it, that I don't even want to hear it in my own head anymore. I've also been exercising and writing in a journal. Crying a lot, probably will sleep a lot this weekend. Wrote a letter to him today that I will never give him. Made a list of all the things I don't like about him. And much to the dismay of the woman beside me on the plane tonight who had to watch me cry and pretend she didn't see it, I wrote a letter to God on my laptop just crying and begging for some answers to my life, really pouring my heart out. I held nothing back. It exhausted me and then I could sleep.

Good Luck to you. love shouldn't be this hard. Hang in there, it will get better. For the first time, I woke up this morning able to eat. Tonight I may even get to sleep!

July 28, 2006

Is writing on here helping at all? I also talk the situation through over and over on the phone with every one of my friends until I am just sick of hearing it, that I don't even want to hear it in my own head anymore. I've also been exercising and writing in a journal. Crying a lot, probably will sleep a lot this weekend. Wrote a letter to him today that I will never give him. Made a list of all the things I don't like about him. And much to the dismay of the woman beside me on the plane tonight who had to watch me cry and pretend she didn't see it, I wrote a letter to God on my laptop just crying and begging for some answers to my life, really pouring my heart out. I held nothing back. It exhausted me and then I could sleep.

Good Luck to you. love shouldn't be this hard. Hang in there, it will get better. For the first time, I woke up this morning able to eat. Tonight I may even get to sleep!

Sorry to hear you are feeling so badly, what happened in your situation? I do hope that you try to take care of yourself and take it one day at a time. I know it's hard as I have not eaten myself and I haven't been to the gym in days. It's really tough not knowing anything and knowing that this probably doesn't bother him at all............ Yes, it does help to write things here, I did however notice that not many people reply, maybe that is because I am not a member, I am not sure.

July 28, 2006

Yes, it does help to write things here, I did however notice that not many people reply, maybe that is because I am not a member, I am not sure.

I have found that the longer the initial post, the less people read it. I am guilty of that as well. Also, if you don't feel you are getting the support you need, try writing it in another forum. That is what I did. Give it a catchy title that people will respond to. Also, summarize the whole situation in the first paragraph, then go into detail. Something I learned way back in journalism class. Hope this helps!

July 28, 2006

I have found that the longer the initial post, the less people read it. I am guilty of that as well. Also, if you don't feel you are getting the support you need, try writing it in another forum. That is what I did. Give it a catchy title that people will respond to. Also, summarize the whole situation in the first paragraph, then go into detail. Something I learned way back in journalism class. Hope this helps!

Thank you and how are you doing today, have you eaten?

July 28, 2006

I have found that the longer the initial post, the less people read it. I am guilty of that as well. Also, if you don't feel you are getting the support you need, try writing it in another forum. That is what I did. Give it a catchy title that people will respond to. Also, summarize the whole situation in the first paragraph, then go into detail. Something I learned way back in journalism class. Hope this helps!

He texted me today and said that there is nothing to forgive me for, that You are you and I am me and we have different outlooks and just aren't compatible and that he was angry with me and doesn't want to talk to me yet. I guess that sums it up, that sounds like the end to me. I suppose at least now I have some answers as opposed to the disappearing. It makes me feel a little better that at least told me something, I can at least respect that and maybe he does have a little respect for me. I will leave him alone, it appears to be what he wants but I don't think that the disappearing and not communicating is going to help me much if he should want to talk, it makes me feel like he thinks he can just ignore me and do whatever to me if anything goes wrong. Am I being to harsh? I have a tendency to be over critical of myself?

July 28, 2006

He texted me today and said that there is nothing to forgive me for, that You are you and I am me and we have different outlooks and just aren't compatible and that he was angry with me and doesn't want to talk to me yet. I guess that sums it up, that sounds like the end to me. I suppose at least now I have some answers as opposed to the disappearing. It makes me feel a little better that at least told me something, I can at least respect that and maybe he does have a little respect for me. I will leave him alone, it appears to be what he wants but I don't think that the disappearing and not communicating is going to help me much if he should want to talk, it makes me feel like he thinks he can just ignore me and do whatever to me if anything goes wrong. Am I being to harsh? I have a tendency to be over critical of myself?

Why is it that you seem to obsess over it? Why do I still want to talk to him? Why is it that I want to explain why I reacted the way I did and why am I putting this blame on myself. Make IT GO AWAY!!!!

July 30, 2006

I haven't eaten much in days, but mostly because I'm happy with this weight loss. It was definitely an ego boost. I know I can't just stop eating completely, but since I don't really have much of an appetite (for once in my life), I am not going to force myself to eat. I'll try to lose it slower though. I went from 151 to 142 in one week.... I know that is way too fast. But my crying spells have stopped. Now if I could just stop sleeping so much. I woke up at 1:30 today.

How are you feeling? Are you still NC?

July 30, 2006

And much to the dismay of the woman beside me on the plane tonight who had to watch me cry and pretend she didn't see it, I wrote a letter to God on my laptop

(hahaha)

Ariadne

July 30, 2006

Hi you,

Well, it sounds to me like the guy doesn't want you for the long term

I know, it kind of sucks, but that's what I got.

Like when he says: there is nothing to forgive me for, that You are you and I am me and we have different outlooks and just aren't compatible

It seems like you act all patronizing and that has sent the guy running.

I'm not saying it's all your fault, he shouldn't be doing that to you, but I guess it was the only alternative he found to deal with you.

Like when: he texted me a couple of times that night saying things like you are always right and good for you, nice job.

You seem to me like those girls that get all bossy, and when they can't get what they want they become all nice and sorry this and that. But maybe some other guy likes that.

Well, that's just my take,

Ariadne

July 30, 2006

Ariadne

I didn't get that from her posts. Seemed to me that she was reacting to the distance he'd create. She'd see the closeness they had, and suddenly for no real reason, he'd be gone. And it would throw her through a crazy spinning cycle of questions that had no answers.

She didn't do this. HE did this. She reacted to him. If BOTH of them had worked to create stablility then this wouldnt' have happened. She worked for it... he undermined it.

Like building a house. She was setting the bricks, while he was the quicksand. Her only fault might have come from choosing to stay with the guy after the first dissappearing act. If you want to call it a fault.

I can almost guarantee he'd get the same reaction from nearly any woman. However, has she had the same reaction with every guy? Guess she could look back on her past and see if there's a theme and what it is saying about her choices in relationships. Does she "freak" (for lack of a better word) on every guy over something? Or is this a rare occurance? Do to a certain set of circumstances?

July 30, 2006

Hi,

She didn't do this. HE did this. She reacted to him.

Maybe, but I got an attitude from her and it seems like he resents such.

If a guy likes a girl and feels understood, he won't just disappear.

Ariadne

July 30, 2006

Hey,

Btw, I just "love" your quote .

Ariadne

July 30, 2006

I went back and re-read this thread and I have this feeling you will hear from him as long as you leave him be. 2 years in someone's life is a long time. Is he a caring person? Is he at all sentimental? Right now he might be mad, but once that wears off, he will remember you fondly and call. or he may have a weak moment and call.

But.... now ask yourself, what do you do when he calls? How are you going to act? I would plan it out carefully. Because if that conversation doesn't go well, there might not be many more after it.

You may decide you don't even want to be with him though. I am currently constructing a list of reasons to be with my guy and reasons to not be with him. Next I will figure out if there is a possibility that I can get some of the Plus items from anyone else except him. It is helping me to see I am addicted to being with someone, not necessarily him. Try it.

July 30, 2006

Hi Guest, hey all,

I know this has been done but whats his star sign? is he a Cancerian? or does he have low self esteem issues?

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