strangeway Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Why does this keep happening? I am so confused and more than hurt. Actually, I am moving past shocked into almost feeling like a piece of driftwood. My issue??? There is not one subject that I can bring up that isnt instantly shot down, coldly, with the tag line "Please, I dont want to fight with you" added at the end by him. Him is my BF of almost 2 years. Naturally, there are things I wish to discuss. Not about our relationship, but about life in general. Tell me, those of you out there, when you watch current events on the news, do you not ever turn to your SO and make a remark or two? And if its an especially dicey bit of information, do you not like to then give your opinion on it, and in turn, find out what his is? Yesterday, I was watching a program with him. It prompted me to state my opinion during the commercial. He had no comment, as usual. Its as if I didnt say anything at all. I asked him what he thought and if he agreed with me about it, and he launched into a tirade telling me how crazy I was, how I ought to be checked out for mental illness because I believe the TV is real life. I stared at him with horror. How could me stating a simple opinion (which wasnt even agreeing with the program) be percieved as crazy, so crazy that I needed counseling????!! He was quite irate, and actually yelled at me that he didnt want to fight and that I needed to be quiet. This whole ordeal, from the moment of my opinion stated, til his cold tag line took maybe 5 minutes in all. I just curled up, feeling dead inside, wondering how it is possible that this man never wants to hear my opinion on anything and if I give it, it is percieved as FIGHTING with him, and furthermore, how is it possible that he never ever has a word to say to me with regards to his opinions. Everything he talks to me about is factually stated. "We need water"..."the bathroom is a mess"...."i am tired"...."I need gas".... How can this same man claim to love me so much? How is it possible?? Someone out there help me.....analyze this for me....what could the problem be??
laRubiaBonita Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 do you talk about Real-life currant events? or just television shows?
norajane Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Frankly, he sounds kinda boring. He has no opinions on anything, doesn't want to discuss issues, isn't particularly interested in what's going on in the world, and doesn't want to hear your opinions. How old is he? Personally, I don't think you're well matched. I know exactly what you mean about discussion and debate. I like to read the paper, or watch the news, and talk about the issues with my SO. I'm fortunate that he is also interested in the world, and will frequently pull the laptop over to look up stuff with me that we want to know more about or look up a map of the middle east or send me links to stories about sex in outer space... Certainly, there's nothing wrong with you, so please don't think that.
Author strangeway Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 do you talk about Real-life currant events? or just television shows? Anything and everything...Whatever comes up that is interesting...just whatever, I am certainly not a chatterbox, but if I see something that is worthy of a comment or opinion, i will state it. Yesterday happened to be a real life case that was re-enacted that I commented on, to which he blew up basically calling me a whack job that belonged in the looney bin. Believe me, I said nothing out of the norm so it wasnt the content, it was the fact that I even spoke that did it, I think. He has no opinions on anything, doesn't want to discuss issues, isn't particularly interested in what's going on in the world, and doesn't want to hear your opinions. Of everything you said, the last sentence was true. He has opinions, likes to discuss issues, is interested in the world, but somehow the break in his mind happens when I talk to him...about anything.... Certainly, there's nothing wrong with you, so please don't think that. Actually, funny you said that, because I was beginning to suspect that there probably is something wrong with me, I feel strangely subhuman with him at times, I cant explain it...i feel.....worthless.
laRubiaBonita Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 soooo What exactly is so great about this guy?
blind_otter Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I cant explain it...i feel.....worthless. And you tolerate this because.......? How is this a good relationship? Where is the love? What good things does he do?
KittenMoon Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Maybe instead of giving your opinion, you could try starting a conversation with 'What do you think about ------?" By asking him his opinion first, and blending your opinion in later, it might come off to him as less, threatening? maybe?
BareGoddess Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 You're obviously not compatible. I had a b/f like that a long time ago. I was SO bored with him and couldn't imagine spending a lifetime with someone like that. My H and I have known each other for 12 years almost and we STILL get into debates/discussions on things. It keeps things interesting. There's something else I wanted to say though about this. How long have you both been going out? He sounds like he may be emotionally abusive or has the potential to be. It's not your place to have an opinion. You are to shut up and just do what he wants you to do and say or don't say what he wants you to. Does this hit a chord? Watch out with him. Personally, no matter how much I loved the guy, I'd move on. He's a waste of time as you clearly have so little in common.
Author strangeway Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 Maybe instead of giving your opinion, you could try starting a conversation with 'What do you think about ------?" By asking him his opinion first, and blending your opinion in later, it might come off to him as less, threatening? maybe? That is what I do already...asking him what he thinks and then blend in my opinion. I mean, I am not at all threatening in the least. I am basically quiet because he hardly listens anyway..... When we do have arguments like people in relationships tend to do from time to time, it is like that one member Johan here says in his signature: Admit nothing. Deny everything. Make counter-accusations. That is how my BF is to a T. But why is he doing this to me? How could one measly opinion actually lead to me needing counseling?
Author strangeway Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 How is this a good relationship? Where is the love? What good things does he do? Literally, he makes sure I am fed, that I have clean clothes on my back, that I some money in my pocket, The rest is just devoid of human contact...I cant explain it. Its a little eerie. At times, I often feel more like his child than his GF.... I cant really say if we have little in common as we hardly discuss anything at all. We might have something in common, but the minute I try to get close to him he slams the doors, hard and cold. Last nite, before we went to sleep, he didnt say goodnite, he didnt say he loved me, he didnt touch me, didnt hug or kiss me goodnite, he just....turned out the lite and went to sleep.....We werent fighting or anything.....he just...i dont know...he makes me feel ashamed to be me sometimes, i guess.....
blind_otter Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 no offense or anything but that doesn't sound like a relationship worth salvaging. My next question is why on earth have you tolerated this fr the past 2 years. Are you afraid to be alone?
BareGoddess Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 This is a train wreck. Sorry, but I can almost SEE the abusive behavior coming. He witholds affection. Sounds very familiar. You are not to have an opinion. He feeds and clothes you? Why is that? There's a LOT more to this isn't there? He makes you feel small because you're LETTING him make you feel small. Are you dependent on him financially? If so, that's the first thing you must change. This will only get worse. Mark my words. I see clearly where this is heading. I've been in your shoes. I have felt like the child. I have felt small and too dependent. Only YOU have the power to not feel that way. You've given him ALL the power. Do you have a job? Do you have your own money? Do you have an education? If not, you need to get the ball rolling in that direction. I don't want to sound too dramatic but this has all the earmarks of turning ugly and very abusive. Your little "honeymoon" period with his is over. You're now going to be seeing the REAL guy. And I have a feeling it ain't pretty. The abuse (and that IS what I believe this is) will only escalate. My advice? Get out now or make arrangements to get out now. Does he tell you who you can see and not see? Does he keep you apart from friends and family? I hope that's not the case for your sake because he really is displaying bad signs of bad things to come. Good luck.
Author strangeway Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 No, I am not afraid to be alone, in fact, when things have gotten to be too much for me to bear, I have broken up with him, but he never accepts it......he always makes it impossible, so I am for right now, just stuck accepting it, until I can break free. It is just hard, because I was so in love with him, and when I finally woke up, I realized just how horrifying the situation really is....Right now, I am trying my best to mend myself and roll with the punches, but I want to really understand what is wrong with stating an opinion?
Author strangeway Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 Do you have a job? Do you have your own money? Do you have an education? Yes, I do have a job, and sometimes my own money, I do have an education. Does he tell you who you can see and not see? Does he keep you apart from friends and family? He doesnt like me to go out much. I dont have friends (well I do have one friend) and I dont have family....but he does keep me away from his family by ostracizing me I think. He basically tells them everything I do, when I do it. I just feel a little stifled, a bit lonely, and more recently, like a piece of driftwood. But I might just be coming unglued, I dont know..... He feeds and clothes you? Why is that? There's a LOT more to this isn't there? What I mean to say, is that I dont want for nothing, as in food, clothes, and cleanliness, and he is real strict about all three, so in that respect, I am covered. There is alot more, a whole lot more, but I dont feel comfortable right now discussing it. I think I have been so long like this that I feel strange around people I work with, kinda feel scared to talk to them, mostly I feel like, "why bother" I dont know....i basically just wanted advice on why I was crazy and needed help for stating an opinion. thats all.
Chinook Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 No, I am not afraid to be alone, in fact, when things have gotten to be too much for me to bear, I have broken up with him, but he never accepts it......he always makes it impossible, so I am for right now, just stuck accepting it, until I can break free. It is just hard, because I was so in love with him, and when I finally woke up, I realized just how horrifying the situation really is....Right now, I am trying my best to mend myself and roll with the punches, but I want to really understand what is wrong with stating an opinion? I guess it depends how you state it. If it puts him on the defensive all the time maybe that's where his attitude comes from. I don't think so though. As someone said... this is a LS train wreck. I feel.....worthless. That's as good a reason right there to walk away IMO.
BareGoddess Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 No, of course you're NOT crazy for stating your opinion. Don't you get it? HE'S the crazy one! But if you stay with him, then you might want to question your mental health. I know there's a lot you're not telling us here. You almost sound like a hostage the way you talk about this situation. Why and how has he made it impossible, as you say, for you to leave? That was a very odd remark.
blind_otter Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 No, I am not afraid to be alone, in fact, when things have gotten to be too much for me to bear, I have broken up with him, but he never accepts it......he always makes it impossible, so I am for right now, just stuck accepting it, until I can break free. This board is filled with people who can't accept a recent breakup, but I don't understand how that can affect your ability to stay out of the relationship? Does he talk you out of it? but I want to really understand what is wrong with stating an opinion? Well there are ways to state your opinion in such a manner that other people respond defensively, but I don't think this is the situation with you -- unless you have had this problem prior to this relationship. If you have NOT had a problem with other people like this before, it makes no sense to blame yourself. In any good relationship you should be able to have an opinion, and state it as such. You should be able to have conversations with give and take.
stoopid_guy Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 No, I am not afraid to be alone, in fact, when things have gotten to be too much for me to bear, I have broken up with him, but he never accepts it......he always makes it impossible, What is there to accept? You say "I'm leaving." You don't have to ask this jerk's permission for anything. If he gives you a hard time, get a restraining order. He's darn lucky to have had you around as long as he has. If your "boyfriend" isn't making you feel better about yourself, find someone who will. There are to many decent men out there for you to put up with him.
arc Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I agree you aren't crazy, but you sound worringly depressed and flat and he's quite successfully undermined your confidence regarding talking to anyone else. Everything you have said about this man and your relationship, and the things you aren't saying as well, are sending huge red flags up for me. What do you love about him? When do you have happy moments together If he doesn't discuss opinions with you, then who does he do it with - his male friends and family? Can you imagine what it would be like to have a relationship where you are just yourself, without self doubt or fear. Where you have easy conversations with your partner, where you have external friendships and a life outside your relationship too? I don't know why your partner calls you crazy for stating an opinion - maybe he thinks women should just shut up and leave the thinking for the men? I doubt he thinks you are crazy, he just knows which button to press so you doubt yourself further instead of standing up for your right to have discussions and opinions.
mariJane Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 if he sais you need counseling then he actually needs it, projection. put your guard up **** that dude
Author strangeway Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 I just...I need a little help....even if you dont respond, just listen I guess...I just need to refer back to you guys from time to time to make sure that I am on the right track in my life, i guess...maybe...to question my sanity??....not sure....just some feedback works wonders.... Well there are ways to state your opinion in such a manner that other people respond defensively, but I don't think this is the situation with you -- unless you have had this problem prior to this relationship. If you have NOT had a problem with other people like this before, it makes no sense to blame yourself. no, I know how things get if I state things in negative manners, so I just converse naturally...whats wrong with conversing naturally?? I am not trying to fight, really I am not, I am just stating my opinion! Why cant I do that?? I felt shaky and out of breath, like I was gonna have a panic attack when he started to raise his voice out of nowhere, just from me stating my opinion...I dont want to fight, really, I just wanted to share a little bit of myself, but maybe he doesnt want to know??
KittenMoon Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 no, I know how things get if I state things in negative manners, so I just converse naturally...whats wrong with conversing naturally?? I am not trying to fight, really I am not, I am just stating my opinion! Why cant I do that?? I felt shaky and out of breath, like I was gonna have a panic attack when he started to raise his voice out of nowhere, just from me stating my opinion...I dont want to fight, really, I just wanted to share a little bit of myself, but maybe he doesnt want to know?? Hon- you're missing the point. If he's reacting this way to what you know is regular conversation, and you are getting so upset as to nearing panic attacks (and I know exactly how that feels) there is something seriously wrong with him and your relationship. No one who loves you should make you feel like this.
Author strangeway Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 No, it is nothing bad, he doesnt hit, I am not locked up, I cant explain it, and dont want to get into it really, I just was actually wondering if anyone had ever dealt with a person like this before, and if so, what happened, and did they have a mental problem, and do these things just take time to work out? I just had those questions, thats all. Like I said, I will be posting from time to time, just to check in, for my own piece of mind, because I am fairly certain that other situations will arise that I will need a bit of clarifications on. Happy times are when he is there, really there, with me...that we connected for a bit, and I could see true concern in his eyes, happiness is when he touches me without me asking him to, or a kind comment. Its been a while, but he will say a nice thing or two....him holding my hand briefly the other day while we were in public shocked me!! He never ever holds my hand! At the beginning, I would try, but now, I know better, so you can imagine my surprise when he reached for my hand....
BareGoddess Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Bet he doesn't like snuggling in bed either does he? Been there. A person who craves affection who lives with someone who is not affectionate is hell. You will always feel starved and empty and alone. He won't change. And you'll always feel oh so grateful for any little scrap of affection he throws your way.
KittenMoon Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Happy times are when he is there, really there, with me...that we connected for a bit, and I could see true concern in his eyes, happiness is when he touches me without me asking him to, or a kind comment. Its been a while, but he will say a nice thing or two....him holding my hand briefly the other day while we were in public shocked me!! He never ever holds my hand! At the beginning, I would try, but now, I know better, so you can imagine my surprise when he reached for my hand.... You're really willing to trade all that anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, and walking on eggshells for these miniscule occasional scraps of affection?
Recommended Posts