SUMMER 1969 Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 How is it that if you are with a man for a year, that man does not love you? If you and that man, had a really good realtionship meaning: no fighting, no drama, nothing but laughing and cuddling with one another, go out and having a good time, eating food together.. how is it that he does not love me? I am almost 30 he is 33 years old. We both own our own houses, he has a good job and so do I.. We do live a hour and a half away from one another, but every week we always got together.. We would take turns driving to each others house. How can you be with someone for a year and then tell me that you care about me, but you are just not falling in love with me.. I feel very empty, lost and to make this all worse, I am sitting here with a broken foot. I love this man, and to be honest with you.. he did not treat me that great. He was not here for me when my cat passed away, he would talk to me about it, but he never made the time to come and see me.. I had to get surgry on my foot, he did not take me to get surgry.. Infact, he Once cheated on me. After he cheated on me he told me that he cared a lot about me and that he learned a lesson and he wants nothing more then to be with me. So I trusted him and just stuck it out with him.. I am not a ugly girl, I am very smart, and I have a ton of friends.. For some reason I feel like I am the only one that has ever been told that your partner does not love you.. How can you date someone for a year and not feel anything?? Its common sense that if you don't feel anything for your partner after a few months you go your seperate ways.. Why, why did he do this to me? Why did he let me open myself up to him and let me beleive that he did indeed love me? Please, can someone please give me some kind of advise?? I am totally lost.. Thank you
tearful_soul22 Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 As difficult as it is to accept, situations like this do occur in relationships even those considered stable enough. Believe me, you're not alone. You should not feel so dependent on him for your happiness and should start looking outward instead of relying too much on him to give your life meaning and a sense of support. You have to talk to him about your feelings and how it is affecting you. Maybe he thinks it's an acceptable behavior and doesn't see anything wrong with it. By bringing this out in the open you will make him aware of these fears you have. Having an open communication is always the first step in resolving any conflict you might have with your partner. Take care and keep us posted.
Guest Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I agree, communication is the best way. Let him know how you are feeling and what it is that you want and need. If it's not the same for both of you, then it might be best to go your seperate ways. I wish you the best of luck!
LaraV Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Summer - did he ever at any point during the relationship actually say that he loved you?
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 He told me that he cared a lot about me and wanted to see where our realtionship could go.. He never said he loved me, he said he could see himself falling for me. Well now it has been a year and when I asked how he felt about me he told me that he cares about me, but is just not in love with me. He said I was a perfect girlfriend, I never nagged him, and I was always going with the flow of things.. He said for some reason he is just not falling in love with me.. He told me that he does want to settle down and have a few kids and get married and that he misses the feeling of loving someone.. He said that we should go our seperate ways, and we can still be friends... He told me that it would not be fair for us to stay together if we will never go anywhere together ( meaning.. marriage ). All's I know is that I do love him more then anyone I have ever loved before. He also told me that I should not be so upset and I should not beat myself up over this for the fact that it is hard to find someone you really love... I am just lost with words. I know I can not change his feelings, and I can not just turn my feelings off either.. I was once engaged to a man that I was with for 7 years, and I did hurt after that break up, but I feel so much worse now.. Could it be that I feel like I am getting older and I am scared? Or maybe I feel like a failure? Has anyone ever been in a realtionship with a man and fell head over heels in love with, and then find out that he never loved you? That he wants to find someone new to share his life with? If so, please tell me about it... I just feel like a piss of crap at this moment, I can not eat, sleep or anything.. I keep throwing up and I just want to give up.. Anyway advise or a story would be great.. Summer
LaraV Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 He told me that he cared a lot about me and wanted to see where our realtionship could go.. He never said he loved me, he said he could see himself falling for me. Well now it has been a year and when I asked how he felt about me he told me that he cares about me, but is just not in love with me. He said I was a perfect girlfriend, I never nagged him, and I was always going with the flow of things.. He said for some reason he is just not falling in love with me.. He told me that he does want to settle down and have a few kids and get married and that he misses the feeling of loving someone.. He said that we should go our seperate ways, and we can still be friends... He told me that it would not be fair for us to stay together if we will never go anywhere together ( meaning.. marriage ). All's I know is that I do love him more then anyone I have ever loved before. He also told me that I should not be so upset and I should not beat myself up over this for the fact that it is hard to find someone you really love... I am just lost with words. I know I can not change his feelings, and I can not just turn my feelings off either.. I was once engaged to a man that I was with for 7 years, and I did hurt after that break up, but I feel so much worse now.. Could it be that I feel like I am getting older and I am scared? Or maybe I feel like a failure? Has anyone ever been in a realtionship with a man and fell head over heels in love with, and then find out that he never loved you? That he wants to find someone new to share his life with? If so, please tell me about it... I just feel like a piss of crap at this moment, I can not eat, sleep or anything.. I keep throwing up and I just want to give up.. Anyway advise or a story would be great.. Summer Summer, do a search for my posts, as I'm going through a very similar situation and I think you'll at least find a bit of comfort in knowing that I'm in the same boat as you are. Short story: I was with a man for about a year and he just broke up with me a few weeks ago because he doesn't love me, and to use his own words, "he just doesn't think the feeling would develop." Well, I can only imagine the hell you've been going through because I am now only - after a few weeks - beginning to regain my footing and being quasi functional again. I lost 10 pounds in two weeks from throwing up my food. For two whole weeks I could not hold down anything. I too was engaged a few years back to a man I was with for over 7 years, and when that relationship was ended - by me - I felt horrible and miserable, but it does not compare one iota to this one. Being dumped really is that much worse, and it's especially made more painful when you realize that you weren't even on the same page. It was a one-sided relationship. I'm still very raw, very sensitive, very wounded, so I know just how bad you are feeling. Seriously, look up my threads and posts so that you know that at lest someone else has gone through this. My now ex just didn't love me. After more than one year the feeling never developed. I write this through tears, for I can't think of anything more painful than that. At least with other relationships I have the fond memories that at least at one point both parties were in love. With this one, I was just someone he "respected," someone whose "company he enjoyed." He's a great person. He never deceived me at all. In fact, I am surprised he stuck around this long. But I guess there came a point where he just knew it would never develop into love, and so he did the right thing by ending it. But believe me, it hurts like Hell.
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 Well, I have to admit that I feel like complete crap about myself. I don't understand how you could date someone for a year and then bang, its over cuz he does not love me.. How is it that he could not? Why would you date me for a damn year! I feel like a fool! To make it worse, he still calls me.. He told me that he is going to call me later today.. So far no call, but I feel like maybe there is hope.. At the same time.... why in the hell would I even want to go back to him if he does not love me? He told me that if he does not love me now, he said he knows himself pretty well to know that he will never fall in love with me.. Why?? What is that he can not love me? What is it that I don't have that he needs?? I asked him, he just keeps telling me that it is not me, its him.. Whatever, not buying that story.. How is it that you can date someone for a whole year and not feel anything for me?? I just don't get it.. PS- Laura V, How do I find your posts? I am new to this website and I don't know how to use it just yet.. Thank you
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 I should also tell you all, that I did contact him, I told him that I would deal with the fact that he does not love me as long as we can still be together... ( Dumb on my part ) I called him back and told him that I was wrong for asking for us to get back together since it would be unfair to me and it would be unfair to him.. Then, I called him back to tell him how much he has hurt me and how lost I feel.. I am loosing it.. I try not to call him but I still do and he still calls me... Laura I read your posts, and yes it seems you and I are both in the same situation.. It seems you are a lot stronger of a woman then me.. I give you a lot of credit.. I guess I just don't understand how if you have a good realtionship with someone and you laugh and enjoy time with someone how they can not love you.. It does not add up.. Its not like I am 18 years old anymore, hell, I am going to be 30 and he is going to be 34 years old.. When is the dating game going to stop? It just seems like no matter how old you are, the games never stop.. I don't like games and I am a very honest person.. Maybe I just wear my heart on my sleve to much...
scrybe74 Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 How is it that if you are with a man for a year, that man does not love you? If you and that man, had a really good realtionship meaning: no fighting, no drama, nothing but laughing and cuddling with one another, go out and having a good time, eating food together.. how is it that he does not love me?..... ....I love this man, and to be honest with you.. he did not treat me that great. He was not here for me when my cat passed away, he would talk to me about it, but he never made the time to come and see me.. I had to get surgry on my foot, he did not take me to get surgry.. Infact, he Once cheated on me. After he cheated on me he told me that he cared a lot about me and that he learned a lesson and he wants nothing more then to be with me. So I trusted him and just stuck it out with him.. Based on you description it doesn't sound like a good relationship at all. If you describe the above characteristics as a 'good relationship' then I think you really need talk to other people about what a good relationship really is. How could he do this? Easy.....He probably likes you very much, finds you attractive and funny....but not enough to make a permanent committment. In other words....you were convienant for the time being. It happens more often than you think. And the fact that he doesn't have to do much to make you happy....that's what kept him around even longer. Life was easy for him with you so why not? You're a nice and safe regular thing. He's had it in his mind that your relationship has an expiration date on it. The day you require more of him is the day that he's out of there. Apparently something came up because now he's telling you straight out that he doesn't love you. He'll probably be surprised if you break up with him because up until now.....you pretty much take whatever crap he gives you. Meanwhile.....If he's cheated on you once he's probably met other women as well that he was attracted to....women who wouldn't put up with his crap. Raise your standards and expectations, drop this guy and strengthen your self respect. If you are attractive, nice and stable as you described....trust me...there are more than enough candidates out there for you that are 10 times better than this guy. Sorry to hear about your foot. Hope you heal strong (physically and emotionally)
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 ( If he's cheated on you once he's probably met other women as well that he was attracted to....women who wouldn't put up with his crap. ) I don't know what you mean by that statement.. Can you please explain? You are correct in saying that I need more from a man.. He was not the best thing, but at this very moment I feel that he is.. If that makes any sense.. He did some hurtful things to me, and each time, I just turned my head and ignored the problem.. I guess maybe I did that so I don't make him upset.. I don't know.. I just wanted hin to be happy and I just forgot about me... If you have not noticed I do have some low self-esteem, which I don't really understand.. I am not a bad looking girl, I own my own house, can cook, clean, and save money! Hell, what man would not want that out of a woman? I model for a living, I just don't know why I can not be like some girls and just have my head up high.. Its funny, I am so good at acting, I put on a front like I have a lot of self-esteem, and in reality I don't... Maybe thats why I fall for guys that treat me like crap.. My ex keeps calling me... He just called me now and told me he is going out for a beer with a buddy and he will call me when he gets home... Why is he calling me and telling me this? Why is he calling me at all? Does he maybe think that we can just be friends? He is acting like nothing is wrong.. I know he is not hurting as bad as me.. But hell, if I would just know that he is hurting somewhat, maybe I would feel better.. Maybe just maybe
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 Well Once again He called and I answered the damn phone.. He called to tell me he is going to bed and wanted to say goodnight.. Before we hung up the phone I asked him If it is such a good idea that we are talking on the phone to One another.. He told me that he does not think it is a bad idea to talk.. and he did not really want to discuss anything tonight since he was sleepy.. He said he would call me tomorrow.. Why is he doing this? Is there something I am missing here?
scrybe74 Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Hi Summer... About my first comment - What I meant was that...when he is actually ready to settle down with a woman it won't be with someone who simply gives in to what he wants. Your low self esteem is keeping you from seeing the problems with this relationship in a clear way. You are asking why is he calling? Deep down inside you know the answer but your low self esteem seems to be making you blind. He is using you. He his manipulating you. There are men out there (and women too) who are really good at identifying and taking advantage of people with low self esteem. Unfortunately people with low self esteem tend to be attracted to these abusers for one reason or another. If you have the rest of your life (home, finances, good job, etc.) together but are struggling with these issues....then why not take some time out and go talk to a professional counselor? Wouldn't you like to a have a life of your own that doesn't revolve around the whims of another person? Wouldn't you like to be in a relationship with a man who really cares about your feelings and WANTS to be with you? Shouldn't you feel that when you are in pain or sadness that there will be someone there to comfort you? You can't get any of those things if you don't learn to do it for yourself. Once you've accomplished that....you will see him for what he is. You will look back and realize that you wasted a year of your life on a loser....but not completely. Hopefully you'll look back and appreciate this experience for teaching you to love yourself better than that and to seek happiness elsewhere. Don't let him decide on whether you should talk on the phone or not. Take some time and really think if this relationship is acceptable to you. If it is....then enjoy yourself. If it's not...I think you should have a face to face conversation with him...and end the relationship. Tell him good bye and don't look back. Lastly.....he is not hurting. And he won't hurt. He'll miss you. Why? Because you are easy for him. He'll miss the simplicity you provided him. People like you give waaaay too much in the relationship. You probably give him more than you give yourself. Even though you are in pain.....he's sleeping like a baby right now. He's in total control of the situation. Please try and get control of your heart and your life back to you. I think you should move on as soon as possible.
LaraV Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Wouldn't you like to a have a life of your own that doesn't revolve around the whims of another person? Wouldn't you like to be in a relationship with a man who really cares about your feelings and WANTS to be with you? Shouldn't you feel that when you are in pain or sadness that there will be someone there to comfort you? Don't let him decide on whether you should talk on the phone or not. Take some time and really think if this relationship is acceptable to you. Lastly.....he is not hurting. And he won't hurt. He'll miss you. Why? Because you are easy for him. He'll miss the simplicity you provided him. People like you give waaaay too much in the relationship. You probably give him more than you give yourself. Even though you are in pain.....he's sleeping like a baby right now. He's in total control of the situation. Summer - These insights from Scrybe are spot on. Try to reflect on them when you can. It may be hard right now, but with each passing day it becomes easier and easier to at least begin to accept them. The point is that uncertainty is the most painful thing of all. There is absolutely to joy in being the object of someone else's ambivalence. I know you know what a relationship is supposed to look like and feel like. There is no greater joy in the world that someone WANTS to be with you. You're just going to keep wasting your time with this guy is you keep in contact with him. You already gave him a year - do NOT give him one more minute of your life. Give that to someone that wants it. You deserve that.
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 You guys are so right! This morning my phone rang and it was him, he wanted to say hello.. He had off work today and said he was just going to sit at home and was hinting for me to go see him.. So I asked if he wanted company and he said yes.. So I went to his house and we just laid on the couch and wached TV.. He asked me if I was staying the night.. I told him no.. I was getting ready to leave his house and he asked me again to stay over night, again I told him no.. I then asked him were our realtionship was at.. He told me that he wants to go day to day.. I asked him what he meant by that? He told me that he cares a lot about me and wants to see how he really feels, but he wants to be together right now.. I told him I would have to think about it.. I told him that I felt very insucure in the realtionship and he told me I have nothing to worry about.. I told him that I don't want him to see any other woman, he told me that he had no intrest to see anyone else but me.. To make a long story short, the time I spent with him today made me open my eyes and notice how much of a selfish person he really is.. I knew in my heart he was selfish, but for some reason my mind would tell me otherwise.. So I guess what I am doing now is just sitting back and paying close attention to the person he really is.. Was or should I say " am I really happy with this man " ?? " Is this someone I really want to fight for " ?? " Is this the kind of man I want to marry or have kids with" ?? I am a good person and I don't deserve to get treated like trash! Thank you all so much for helping me see the light! I will keep you updated on what happens from here... I have to admitt, it felt good leaving his house when I knew he wanted me to stay the night... I feel like I have some control finally... Summer
Guest Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I am sorry to hear about your situation girl. I know first hand that it hurts like hell when you give your heart and soul to someone and they dont reciprocate that love. I was with a man for 2 years who was not "in love with me" the only difference here was that I reluctantly ended the relationship after being used, lied to, abandoned, and just abused. In addition, the emotional turmoil he put me through with his actions was so severe I didn't know whether I was coming or going half the time! Just because I terminated the relationship the pain was no less staggering especially since I had invested two years with him against the well wishes of well meaning friends (nothing worse then hearing that little inner voice saying "I told you so"). I was soo deeply depressed for soo long that It took everything I had to get out of bed each morning and some mornings I just didnt. I couldn't sleep, eat or function at work. I lost contact with family and friends because I didn't want them to see me soo unhappy (which was a mistake at this time more than ever you need the support of family and friends.) I am happy to say that its been about 6 months and I am healing now but this situation has left me with deep emotional scars. Although, I often have guys asking me out, I just don't know if I am ready for that yet. However, I feel better that its over because when I look back I see that he was not worthy of me in the least bit or the love that I had to give and now I am just focusing on better understanding myself before I even think about focusing on another relationship. Oh and him! Well last I heard he is still SINGLE, jobless, living with friends and not a very happy camper. Hang in there girl!!!
Guest Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Oh and as for the concern about the age thing! Well I don't think its a really that big of a deal! (you are still young and have plenty of chances left to find love!!!) IMHO I don't think society should factor in age as a predictor of whether or not a person will ever find love and marry (even though statistics would like us to believe otherwise) I know people who have done so and have been married now more times than I have dated in my entire life.lol.. I think its about the individual and whether or not they decide to give up on finding the right person. I am 34 years old and certainly don't think my chances are any different than anyone else's. Good Luck to you girl stay strong!!!
Guest Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I agree. My ex did the same thing to me and I kept trying to figuire out why he is not respecting my wishes even after I asked him not to contact me. I trully believe it is as you said He knew that I would talk to him when he picked up the phone. Now if he texts me I dont respond and if he calls I don't pick it up. I have him blocked out of my home phone so he can't get through but with my cell phone he still calls every once in a blue moon. I don't respond and if need be I will change that number too. Men like that as you said like to be in control of women like us. I took control of my life and heart 6 months ago when I told him it was over and I intend to fight like hell to keep it that way!!! I am printing out your post just as a reminder to myself. Thank you!!!
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 I am so glad I found this website.. It makes me understand that I am not the Only One with a broken heart at this time, and One way or another we have all been hurt at One TIme or another. He called me again today and was just kind of blah to me.. I don't know, the more I think about him the more I see him just playing head games with me.. I don't see him settling down anytime soon, I don't think he really wants to with me or with out me.. He likes the way things are, where he see's me a couple times a week and thats it.. He has no intrest in seeing me more, nor does he notice that maybe he needs to start to think about other people, not just himself. All's I know is that I am going on a vaction in a few days and my cell phone will not work on the island I am going too.. I will have 7 days to sit back and think about if I really want to deal with this man or should I say boy.. Maybe he will sit back and think about a few things as well... I doubt he will, but One can hope.. . All's I know is that I am a good person and it seems that the good people always get hurt.. Why is that? Do you think this guy will ever grow up and maybe start thinking about other people besides himself? Like I said before he is 33 years old and I don't know if I said this or not before, but he was in the airforce and he is now a cop.. I was told that is a bad mix... What do you think?
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 About the whole age thing.. I am going to be 30 years old and I have no kids and have never been married.. Is there a lot of woman out there that don't have kids and have never been married at 30 years old?? Do men think that someone like me is weird? I know if I meet a man and he is 35 years old with no kids and has never been married in the back of my mind I think to myself, " whats wrong with him " is he a player?
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 IMO the best way he will be able to find out for himself how he really feels about you is to take some time off to see how much he misses you. He has been taking you for granted and knows he can get way with it. For me I'm at the 3-month turning point....I believe this is where we both start looking for ways to keep this going long-term and develop stronger feelings, or look for an "out". I'm sure as heck not going to wait a year for him to fall in love with me.
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 Yeah, when I am on my trip I hope that he does miss me, I am going to try and not to keep my hopes up to much... For I know in my heart I am just a piece of ass to him and someone to rub his back and to pamper him.. Now If I can just let my mind know that I would be good to go.. I hope that makes sense to you all.
DivaAlec Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Wow, yeah I am kind of in the same boat as you summer...except I think that my guy does love me. We were only together for 4 months, but we spent so much time together. He even took me on a week-long trip to Disneyland this summer. We had so much fun, and I knew that he had to be falling in love with me. Well, he told me he was falling in love with me. Thing is, he moved about 5 hours away from me. He told me that he liked me a lot, but that he wasn't in love with me. He told me that if he wasn't leaving he would be in love with me and we would be together indefintily. I am doing the whole, NC until he contacts me first, which he did last night. Anyways, point is, I think there are so many of us that are in the same boat as you. If you need to talk or anything, you can always PM me. Good luck and much love!!!
Author SUMMER 1969 Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 To be honest, Things in bed were GREAT! We had no problems what so ever in that area! Why do you ask?
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