Quix Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 My wife of 2 years and best friend of 10 years has just left me. She has apparently been carrying on an emotional affair for several months over the internet with a close friend of mine. Just recently during a business trip they consumated the affair physically. She decided to tell me this while simultaneously beating me up about how terrible a husband i've been. I made marriage counselling appointments and we attended but they ended up turning into one sided rants about my faults with no responsibility taken on her part. She still won't admit that she had an affair; she says that she "had already left at that point". I begged and pleaded and did all the stuff that you shouldn't do which pushed her further away. She gave me the ultimatum that she wants a "trial separation" with no conditions and that if i can't accept that she will support my decision to divorce her. She has now moved to the same town as the OM. Before she left she told me that she "had no plans" to be with him which is an obvious lie to anyone with half a braincell. In her words, she apparently "loves me" and "doesn't want a divorce" but needs to "have personal growth" and "time to clear her head". My belief is that she is infatuated and in love with feeling a new sense of love from another man. We care about each other, this i know for sure. We have been through a lot of great times and a few bad ones but our love has always been fulfilling. I dearly love my wife and can tell that she is confused. The question is what do i do about it? Do i offer an ultimatum and say "you have until the end of the month to close him out of your life" or do i try to meet her emotional needs and in essence compete with the OM for her love. It seems so counterintuitive not to tell her to grow the hell up. A big part of me is starting to think that i'm better off without her anyways. How can i effectively show her my own growth and independance when she is living in the same town as the OM? Plan A or Plan B? (or maybe Plan GTFO). Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Do i offer an ultimatum and say "you have until the end of the month to close him out of your life" or do i try to meet her emotional needs and in essence compete with the OM for her love. It seems so counterintuitive not to tell her to grow the hell up. A big part of me is starting to think that i'm better off without her anyways. How can i effectively show her my own growth and independance when she is living in the same town as the OM? Plan A or Plan B? (or maybe Plan GTFO). Maybe you should hold off on making a plan for a while? ... say 3 weeks? Three weeks might seem like an odd number, but if you think about it 2 isn't long enough to make a definitive decision and 4 is like living in limbo. You can use this time to think about what it is that will truly be the best for YOU. The knee-jerk reaction to this kind of betrayal is to try and put things back together. But you don't want to make this decision lightly. Sometimes, after a BS (betrayed spouse) has some time to think about it, they change their minds about reconcilliation. In the interim, I'll give you a list of 180's you can use to help yourself along. You can get more information on them from Michelle Weiner Davis's website. But essentially, what you'll be doing is making your WS (wayward spouse) realize that you aren't necessarily going to be waiting around for her to make up her mind. This will put YOU back in the driver's seat. Instead of responding to her ultimatums.... she can respond to yours. That is, whenever you get around to making one. Take your time. Frankly, if you don't have kids and mortgages and minivans together... Plan GTFO sounds like a pretty good plan to me. But give yourself 3 weeks to think it through first. Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes Link to post Share on other sites
Quix Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Wow, a weird thing just happened. My wife just called me to say "hi" and before i knew it she was in tears and aplogizing for "everything". I asked her if she needed anything and what i could do for her. I told her in a bright cheerful manner all about what i was up to and asked her how she was spending her time. We joked and laughed back and forth a bit. At one point she said something to the effect of "i'm emotion today and sometimes feel like i just want to come home". She then said "but i know i'm doing what i need to do". I restrained myself from saying ILY and all of the other stuff i was tempted to say and simply said "if you need anything just call me anytime". We said our goodbyes and that was that. NOW WHAT HAPPENS??!!!! It feels like the power has shifted a little. *evil cackle* Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 What do you want? Do you want fix the marriage, give her another chance? Go to marriage counselling? Or is it over in your mind? I think she is realizing the grass is NOT greener on the otherside of the fence. Slowly... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 At one point she said something to the effect of "i'm emotion today and sometimes feel like i just want to come home". She then said "but i know i'm doing what i need to do". I restrained myself from saying ILY and all of the other stuff i was tempted to say and simply said "if you need anything just call me anytime". We said our goodbyes and that was that. Good job, Quix. It felt good to be in control, didn't it? Her call to you was pretty much meaningless. She's just checking in to see if you're still simmering nicely on the back-burner. She's looking for a 'Quix Fix' When an adulterer is 'on the fence' or 'cake-eating', they're having their ENs (emotional needs) met by both the spouse and the OP (other person). Communicating with you is one of her ENs. It's up to you if you're going to meet ENs for her at this time. This is something that you would do if you were in Plan A, but you're not in Plan A yet. Right now though, I don't think you should commit yourself to Plan A. I think you should just stay with the 180's until you've made a decision on taking her back or not. She ran off with your best friend afterall. I think you deserve a little time to see if you can forgive her for that. You don't have to be sh*tty while you're doing 180's, but until you know what you want.... I would recommend a pleasant but noncommittal stance. She'll want to drag you into BIG RELATIONSHIP TALK so she can guage your reaction. But you don't have to indulge her in that. It's perfectly okay to say... "I'm taking some time out to think about what's best for me." Then... change the subject. It's a GOOD thing right now for you to leave her guessing. She won't know her ass from her elbow two weeks from now if you're playing your cards right. She can opt out at any time, of course. So, you need to be prepared for that. But if she's going to play with YOU.... best if she's playing by your rules. Look at it this way.... she's ALREADY gone. There's nowhere to go but up from here. When you consider the game as already OVER, you have nothing much to lose. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 What do you want? Do you want fix the marriage, give her another chance? Go to marriage counselling? Or is it over in your mind? I think she is realizing the grass is NOT greener on the otherside of the fence. Slowly... Of course i'd prefer to fix the marriage. She seems to be showing signs of pain and remorse for her actions but is still going through with her move. I'll try like hell to be her best friend during this process but if she's off with the OM in a week or two, i'll likely bail out. If she feels this sad while she's over there, who is she likely to get support from? In my dreams i'd like to do some creative nail-gunning to this creep. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 p.s. You might want to sign in as a member. It'll make it easier for you to keep track of your thread. Food for thought. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDarcy Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 I think she is realizing the grass is NOT greener on the otherside of the fence. Slowly... If you go to the other side of the fence to see if the grass is greener the gate should be shut behind you. Permanently. That is my opinion. My wife went to the fence to get a good look at the grass, but never really went over it. That one's a little trickier..... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Great quote on your signature, btw. Very insightful. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDarcy Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Why thank you. miLady. I just wish someone would actually admit that it applies to them as well, not just everyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Why thank you. miLady. I just wish someone would actually admit that it applies to them as well, not just everyone else. Well... let me be the first to say 'Uncle' then! 'Cause DANG!.... nobody's ever called me ever called me "miLady" before, and I'm finding I like that sooooo much more than when people catch me out in an unpleasant truth. Link to post Share on other sites
hooghie Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 Quix, If she DOES find her way back to you- make sure it's not because things didn't work out with the OM and you are the second best choice. You don't want her back if it's for the wrong reasons and she's just waiting for another OM. Mr. Darcy, I admit that your quote has applied to me on occasion Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted July 26, 2006 Share Posted July 26, 2006 My wife of 2 years and best friend of 10 years has just left me. She has apparently been carrying on an emotional affair for several months over the internet with a close friend of mine. Just recently during a business trip they consumated the affair physically. She decided to tell me this while simultaneously beating me up about how terrible a husband i've been. I made marriage counselling appointments and we attended but they ended up turning into one sided rants about my faults with no responsibility taken on her part. She still won't admit that she had an affair; she says that she "had already left at that point". I begged and pleaded and did all the stuff that you shouldn't do which pushed her further away. She gave me the ultimatum that she wants a "trial separation" with no conditions and that if i can't accept that she will support my decision to divorce her. She has now moved to the same town as the OM. Before she left she told me that she "had no plans" to be with him which is an obvious lie to anyone with half a braincell. In her words, she apparently "loves me" and "doesn't want a divorce" but needs to "have personal growth" and "time to clear her head". My belief is that she is infatuated and in love with feeling a new sense of love from another man. We care about each other, this i know for sure. We have been through a lot of great times and a few bad ones but our love has always been fulfilling. I dearly love my wife and can tell that she is confused. The question is what do i do about it? Do i offer an ultimatum and say "you have until the end of the month to close him out of your life" or do i try to meet her emotional needs and in essence compete with the OM for her love. It seems so counterintuitive not to tell her to grow the hell up. A big part of me is starting to think that i'm better off without her anyways. How can i effectively show her my own growth and independance when she is living in the same town as the OM? Plan A or Plan B? (or maybe Plan GTFO). The LAST plan. She made HER choice, NOW YOU make yours, contact a lawyer, ask about abandonment and take HER to the cleaners! Her wanting "space" is so she can screw OM. Even if SHE crawls back tell her to take a hike! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted July 27, 2006 Share Posted July 27, 2006 My wife of 2 years and best friend of 10 years has just left me. She has apparently been carrying on an emotional affair for several months over the internet with a close friend of mine. Just recently during a business trip they consumated the affair physically. She decided to tell me this while simultaneously beating me up about how terrible a husband i've been. I made marriage counselling appointments and we attended but they ended up turning into one sided rants about my faults with no responsibility taken on her part. She still won't admit that she had an affair; she says that she "had already left at that point". I begged and pleaded and did all the stuff that you shouldn't do which pushed her further away. She gave me the ultimatum that she wants a "trial separation" with no conditions and that if i can't accept that she will support my decision to divorce her. She has now moved to the same town as the OM. Before she left she told me that she "had no plans" to be with him which is an obvious lie to anyone with half a braincell. In her words, she apparently "loves me" and "doesn't want a divorce" but needs to "have personal growth" and "time to clear her head". My belief is that she is infatuated and in love with feeling a new sense of love from another man. We care about each other, this i know for sure. We have been through a lot of great times and a few bad ones but our love has always been fulfilling. I dearly love my wife and can tell that she is confused. The question is what do i do about it? Do i offer an ultimatum and say "you have until the end of the month to close him out of your life" or do i try to meet her emotional needs and in essence compete with the OM for her love. It seems so counterintuitive not to tell her to grow the hell up. A big part of me is starting to think that i'm better off without her anyways. How can i effectively show her my own growth and independance when she is living in the same town as the OM? Plan A or Plan B? (or maybe Plan GTFO). Its obvious that you still care deeply about your wife and want to try to work this out and I think that is commendable, so I am not going to tell you not to try to work on saving your marriage. However, I only would suggest that you keep this in mind as you go about picking up the peices with your wife. In the words of a very well known and respected relationship expert "We teach people how to treat us." Even if in the end your wife is very remorseful for her actions, comes to her senses and comes back to you there has to be some consequences for her bad actions. If you two decide to work things out as a couple then by all means have a go at it. However, If you want want your wife to respect you and to develop a sense of value and appreciation for the commitment of the marriage then you need to set boundaries and ground rules and make her take responsibility for her actions. This isnt about that spineless, backstabbing creep that she ran off with the OM, its about a relationship between you and her in which trust and loyalty has been violated because of HER actions. Good Luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts