Guest Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 In relation to the topic of this thread, I dare say they do. Initially I did not think so and part of that related to my own self loathing that eventuates from being jilted. If you also see the MM/ MW occasionally like I did then that only confirms your opinion on the matter. If they are working at their marriage they will logically be distant. It's part of the mindset. But at the early stages of separation that is only another slap in the face to the OW/OM. Anyway, my MW and I were best friends for 3 years prior to falling deeply, madly in love. It only lasted 3 months and my MW was quite open with their H and left him after only a month into our A. She didn't leave him as such but left to clear her head. From the vantage point of distance and hindsight I can look back and say how strong and wonderful she was. No b*llsh*tting, no lies. Just plain old confusion. She eventually went back to her husband (I knew she loved him and she eventually realised she loved him also, thereby the only course of action was to return). It wasn't all rosy but a good six months later they were back together as a happy married couple. I saw her a few times in this period. She was my best friend and I wanted her to be happy (despite my own hurt) and wanted her to know I was there for her. This part hurt like hell and only put my recovery on hold (bad mistake). NOTE: No matter what the story for each A, NC is the only way to go otherwise you'll torture yourself indelibly. Once they were successfully back together we had a couple of text messages and emails but they were rather cold and distant (compared to our history). I received no thanks for my support and I basically felt used and hurt even further. I felt myself to be the biggest fool imaginable. So not having seen or heard from her for six months we accidentally met one day. In those six months I assumed she rarely, if ever, thought about me. By this time the NC had worked a treat and I was back to myself again. I still thought about her a lot but the pain slowly subsided. Anyway, we decided to get a drink and I listened to her for hours talk about what had gone on those preceding six months. It was normal daily stuff but it was nice. She paused for a while and then said that she now knows she always loved her husband, she was just confused. It wasn't nasty, it was just the truth. I was happy for them both. Regardless of my own desires it's still nice to see someone you love happy. Isn't that what we all want for those we care about. Another pause followed. She bowed her head and then said she thought about me every single day (at that stage it 15 months since we split). She had dreamt at one point that I was killed in a car accident and she was distraught for days at the thought, unbeknown to her H. She couldn't function at all. She even told me that she doesn't talk to anyone, including her H, like she did with me. I was blown away. That was 9 months ago and I haven't seen her since. I doubt I will ever again. Therefore, don't assume that they go on without another care or that their own hurt for us, the OW/OM, has been properly addressed. They're strangely much like us. If, like my situation, they're your best friend, they will hurt almost the same identically as us. I never thought you could love two people at once. I'm now lucky enough to love another woman but I will always love my MW. I'm now certain she still loves me also. I was angry with her for along time but I understand a lot now that I just couldn't before. She will always be the love of my life (I have no doubt) and to love two woman at once is quite a nice feeling. I'd hazard a guess your MM/ MW is exactly the same.
ladyzero Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 From my personal experience..... My MM and I are trying to end things. Well, we've ended the romantic side, have for a few months now, but he won't fully let go yet. I don't want to either. It's confusing, really. He won't go no contact, that's too final for him, but the friendship--for obvious reasons I'm sure--just doesn't work either. As much as we treasure our close friendship, we both know neither one of us really wants just a friendship. So I'm trying to give him his space and he tends to come back every so often (once a month so far) to check in (you know, "hi, how are you?" type of stuff). Anyway, back to my point... he and I have always been what I'll call emotionally connected. It's a bit hard to explain if you've never experienced it, but I can feel his emotions--when he's sad, when he's happy (yes, even when he's "in the mood" ), when he's thinking about me, when he misses, etc. So I know this is killing him just as much as it is me, because I can feel his pain. He's trying to do what's right by his wife, by his vows; no matter how much he loves me, he knows our relationship is doomed and the guilt is killing him. So as of right now, we're both throwing ourselves into making our marriages work and are both miserable doing it. But I tend to agree with silktricks...I would think it tends to depend on a lot of little differentials, and I think maybe men tend to keep that stuff inside, where as women tend to want to talk about it and get it out. But I definitely think men feel it as strongly as we do. Just maybe a bit differently.
Author 9Lives Posted July 30, 2006 Author Posted July 30, 2006 From my personal experience..... My MM and I are trying to end things. Well, we've ended the romantic side, have for a few months now, but he won't fully let go yet. I don't want to either. It's confusing, really. He won't go no contact, that's too final for him, but the friendship--for obvious reasons I'm sure--just doesn't work either. As much as we treasure our close friendship, we both know neither one of us really wants just a friendship. So I'm trying to give him his space and he tends to come back every so often (once a month so far) to check in (you know, "hi, how are you?" type of stuff). Anyway, back to my point... he and I have always been what I'll call emotionally connected. It's a bit hard to explain if you've never experienced it, but I can feel his emotions--when he's sad, when he's happy (yes, even when he's "in the mood" ), when he's thinking about me, when he misses, etc. So I know this is killing him just as much as it is me, because I can feel his pain. He's trying to do what's right by his wife, by his vows; no matter how much he loves me, he knows our relationship is doomed and the guilt is killing him. So as of right now, we're both throwing ourselves into making our marriages work and are both miserable doing it. But I tend to agree with silktricks...I would think it tends to depend on a lot of little differentials, and I think maybe men tend to keep that stuff inside, where as women tend to want to talk about it and get it out. But I definitely think men feel it as strongly as we do. Just maybe a bit differently. Yeah, I understand where you are coming from. You know me and my mm have love for each other but at the end of the day....I want it all and that is the bottom line. I dont want to settle. I want his a/ss ....no doubt about it but I need him to come with it. I dont want him to think I am cool being 2nd cause I am not. So I have to pay the price. I hope we will resume our persuit of love and friendship. I told him I cant do this anymore....he still calling though. I just have not answered the phone but he knows...knows that I love him.
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