9Lives Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I guess I should not care but I do. Do you think men go thru the pain we go thru at all or some or what. What do you girls or guys think? We were together for 1yr/5months. this will be our first time going for a week without talking or anything My guess is they have someone to help them so it is not so hard.
stoopid_guy Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 My guess is they have someone to help them so it is not so hard. What? We're supposed to discuss the pain of loosing a girlfriend with our wives?!?! Guess it depends on the guy though. Was he in love? or just after a little?
Hard2Think Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I guess I should not care but I do. Do you think men go thru the pain we go thru at all or some or what. What do you girls or guys think? We were together for 1yr/5months. this will be our first time going for a week without talking or anything My guess is they have someone to help them so it is not so hard. Take it from me, a MM, that yes it's just as hard as with any relationship. In fact, in many ways it's worse - because we know we could do something to make things better, but we can't right then. If the OW is single, it's even worse - because she can go freely meet someone else and date. The MM can't do that. In my case - being stuck with only the wife is a horrific thought.
Author 9Lives Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 Take it from me, a MM, that yes it's just as hard as with any relationship. In fact, in many ways it's worse - because we know we could do something to make things better, but we can't right then. If the OW is single, it's even worse - because she can go freely meet someone else and date. The MM can't do that. In my case - being stuck with only the wife is a horrific thought. Well I guess you are right because I feel like he did as much as he could to make me happy and it just wasnt enough. I have tried to leave several times and the last time, he was just tired cause he said I just dont listen. I had a hard time listening when sometimes his words and action were not the same. I know even if you want to leave it is complicated. I just couldnt stand it anymore. Deep down inside I hope we get back together but only after he is free...not while he is married. I just dont want that anymore. It is trouble and pain
stillhere Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I know when the time comes to leave my MM, he will be just as devastated as me. He's told me already that he's cried over me, when he thought i was going to start dating. He even took it out on his W, and told her that his problem was her (something he would never do ordinarily). You could have knocked me over with a feather when he told me that.........he's not the crying type!! Although i felt terrible, i got a huge grin, cuz i'm sinking my claws in that much deeper and he's falling more and more in love with me every day. That kind of raised my hopes, maybe he will be mine some day.
Fluffyllama Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Nope, I don't think so. They have their wives, so they can easily ignore any pain if present, whereas if you are a single person, you get to face the pain basically alone.
lolly Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I read this book last night... and in it the woman wrote "when you've felt that much about a man and he disappears from your life, after a while you start to think it was just some foolish illusion on your part and that the other person walked clean away, no scar tissue" i think that is how all ow feel when these things end....like you didn't mean as much to them as they meant to you....but maybe it's not true....and least i hope it's not
Hard2Think Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Nope, I don't think so. They have their wives, so they can easily ignore any pain if present, whereas if you are a single person, you get to face the pain basically alone. Sorry - but I can tell you that this is completely untrue. Being with the wife can often be worse. The only exception is if MM loves his wife and has a satisfying relationship with her - in which case he's a pig for having had an affair to begin with.
Author 9Lives Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 Sorry - but I can tell you that this is completely untrue. Being with the wife can often be worse. The only exception is if MM loves his wife and has a satisfying relationship with her - in which case he's a pig for having had an affair to begin with. I know you are right. Two days of nc and *he sends me a email saying good morning*.....I did not respond. It felt good to know I am on his mind but I am not going to break because I am dead serious about my life, my future, my happiness. He will have to come correct this time or we will be friends in the long run and that's it. Our relationship wasnt really bad but I always wanted more. Dont want to settle. He always said that about me. I am not bitter or angry with him I just dont want to be in this type of relationship anymore. I allowed it for so long because he was so nice and sweet but I am not playing games. I want my own man who is all about me....all about us. So I am not breaking My motto right now is DONT LOOK BACK..... Yes he is constantly on my mind. Yes I want him back. Yes I love his a/ss completely. But I want more and I want it all...
Guest Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 So I am not breaking...My motto right now is DONT LOOK BACK..... Yes he is constantly on my mind. Yes I want him back. Yes I love his a/ss completely. But I want more and I want it all... I too am going thru the first week of NC. It really blew up in our faces. I rec'd a phone call from the W last Sunday and I had to return her call and talk only to her. I didn't hear from my MM until Monday. I swear, sometimes men are so weak. I told him I should have heard from him before he told his wife and before I got the phone call. I guess that is the why they cheat and don't leave their wives in the first place. They are not strong enough to leave their wives who they do not love for fear of being alone and paying the bill of marriage and strong enough to handle a new relationship. So I too am not breaking...I am NOT LOOKING BACK EITHER, and yes, I am constantly thinking of him and wondering if he thinks about me too and feels bad for what he did...I do!
Fluffyllama Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I see your point- i didn't really look at it that way before. I guess it is difficult for me to see how being with the wife can actually be worse if it is what he CHOSE to do (in my case) instead of being with me. Just as well...i didn't want to end up with someone who would cheat on his wife...
Hard2Think Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I know you are right. Two days of nc and *he sends me a email saying good morning*.....I did not respond. It felt good to know I am on his mind but I am not going to break because I am dead serious about my life, my future, my happiness. He will have to come correct this time or we will be friends in the long run and that's it. Our relationship wasnt really bad but I always wanted more. Dont want to settle. He always said that about me. I am not bitter or angry with him I just dont want to be in this type of relationship anymore. I allowed it for so long because he was so nice and sweet but I am not playing games. I want my own man who is all about me....all about us. So I am not breaking My motto right now is DONT LOOK BACK..... Yes he is constantly on my mind. Yes I want him back. Yes I love his a/ss completely. But I want more and I want it all... Good for you - but if I were a betting man, I'd put money that you won't last 2 weeks. Either he'll call you and you'll miss him so much you'll see him right away. Or you'll call him after deciding that life is better with him even if it's not ideal. You'll get together and make wild passionate love and pledge to get everything worked out in your lives .. Been there a few times already. The time off will do you both good, though.
Hard2Think Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I see your point- i didn't really look at it that way before. I guess it is difficult for me to see how being with the wife can actually be worse if it is what he CHOSE to do (in my case) instead of being with me. Just as well...i didn't want to end up with someone who would cheat on his wife... Leaving the wife is hard not because of the wife (at least not usually). There's the wife, the kids, the house, and the upheaval with the friends and family. It's probably like jumping in an icy cold pool. You want to go in and once you're in you'll probably feel great .. but jumping in ..(brrrrrrr). And please don't get on the moral high horse with this guy .. if you knew he was married when you hooked up with him - don't beat him up now because he cheated on his wife.
Author 9Lives Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 Good for you - but if I were a betting man, I'd put money that you won't last 2 weeks. Either he'll call you and you'll miss him so much you'll see him right away. Or you'll call him after deciding that life is better with him even if it's not ideal. You'll get together and make wild passionate love and pledge to get everything worked out in your lives .. Been there a few times already. The time off will do you both good, though. I really dont think so. He is suppose to be going to his family reunion in Virginia and she is going so I am heated about it. Dont sound like to me that she is going any where. Hard2think, I only became involved because he was suppose to be leaving and because he was so sweet to me.. He captured me with his sweetness. I did not feel like the ow woman at all until recently. He was there for me and into me so I was cool. But lately ...like about a month...it seems different. I am not having it. If you want to stay, then stay. I tried to get him to say he wants to stay or to atleast say I dont know.....but he said Yes, he still wants a divorce but I dont see nothing going down. He not talking like I need him to be talking. In the beginning he would share things that made me see that he is serious but now ....the house has a for sale sign in the yard....she is on him alot....and it seems like he is there for her more than for me. So I decided to bow out gracefully. I am not going to be being with him if he is still being, doing, and all into his wife. He says he is not but lately I cant tell. She went to california and since she came back, they been getting along so I needed to go. I dont know if he really wants a divorce. He said he does and I dont think he is gaming with me.....I really dont.....but hell I get so f/ucking angry knowing he is with her.....doing things with her.....the whole f/ucking nine. I love him, I want him. but not like this. I dont even know why he tried to contact me. I guess just to be doing something. I dont know. Yes I will ctc him but to lay the law....that is it. We will not be screwing.
rossi Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 When i asked my husband if he missed the ow when they ended up, because i found out about the affair, he said to me that she was like a macdonald toy, when you have it you are excited because it is new but after you play a little be with it you putted away. It looks like he did not missed her at all, but sometime i feel he may missed her because it was someting that he had, every saturday and he spend a lot of hours with her. maybe now he did not miss her it only last two months.
Author 9Lives Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 When i asked my husband if he missed the ow when they ended up, because i found out about the affair, he said to me that she was like a macdonald toy, when you have it you are excited because it is new but after you play a little be with it you putted away. It looks like he did not missed her at all, but sometime i feel he may missed her because it was someting that he had, every saturday and he spend a lot of hours with her. maybe now he did not miss her it only last two months. I heard that...How long did your h have an affair. What has changed since you caught him? Is the relationship better now? Is this the first time he stepped out. What is your story. I am certain I am not his mcdonald toy. If I am, He should not be introducing his toy to his parents, kids, cousins, and best friends. He should not be paying for Real Esate school and doing for my kids. My point is dont believe the hpye. If he is just a dog then maybe but you know who you dealing with, right?
Hard2Think Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 When i asked my husband if he missed the ow when they ended up, because i found out about the affair, he said to me that she was like a macdonald toy, when you have it you are excited because it is new but after you play a little be with it you putted away. It looks like he did not missed her at all, but sometime i feel he may missed her because it was someting that he had, every saturday and he spend a lot of hours with her. maybe now he did not miss her it only last two months. Yeah well in all fairness there may be 2 reasons he said this: 1) He had no regard for her - but that happens with single guys too. They can date some one with no intention of getting serious at all. 2) He's lying to you to minimize the impact of the infidelity.
Last Mohegan Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I agree H2T...why in the world would your H look at you and say, yes, honey, I miss the OW terribly and think about her all the time? Even if you are in the safety zone of therapy...saying you are going to be brutally honest for the sake of rebuilding the marriage and actually being brutally honest when the only purpose it would serve is to make the W feel rejected would be wrong. I'm with door number 2 on this one. Yeah well in all fairness there may be 2 reasons he said this: 1) He had no regard for her - but that happens with single guys too. They can date some one with no intention of getting serious at all. 2) He's lying to you to minimize the impact of the infidelity.
newbby Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 perhaps they are just two completely different types of men and two completely different types of affair.
Guest Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 I guess I should not care but I do. Do you think men go thru the pain we go thru at all or some or what. What do you girls or guys think? We were together for 1yr/5months. this will be our first time going for a week without talking or anything My guess is they have someone to help them so it is not so hard. Hi, I'm not a member but I've been reading this thread because im going through the same thing. I was with my mm for 5 years and we have a child. Sunday I found out that is his wife had twins. I ended it promptlly via text msg. Told him to leave me and my child alone and a great deal of other things... I'm devastated. He hasn't tried to contact me. He never does when he knows i'm extremely angry. Not to mention I said things he probably dreamed I'd never say. However, I wonder if he thinks about how I'm hurting, or is he hurting that I found out? Tel me what u think?
RealityCheck Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 What? We're supposed to discuss the pain of loosing a girlfriend with our wives?!?! Guess it depends on the guy though. Was he in love? or just after a little? I would have to agree with this poster. Every situation is different. For me, my exMM hurt very much! Cried like a baby! Though my affair was short lived, for a total of 8 months counting NC, he was very much in love. There are some OW's on this forum who have not only an affair, but a relationship where they have been involved for years! I do believe the more time invested in an affair the deeper the emotions. I guess you have to ask yourself in your situation, how much of yourself was invested emotionally. Though he was married, how much did the two of you do together to get you to your head space to have a feel of the MM's headspace.
silktricks Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 perhaps they are just two completely different types of men and two completely different types of affair. I would bet that there are many different types of men, and many different types of affairs. Just as there are many types of women. Some men undoubtedly miss the ow dreadfully, others some, others not at all, still others just feel utter relief that it's over. There are many possible reasons that different men could/would feel differently, for example: time in the affair type of affair type of person the man is type of person the ow is type of person the wife is reason the affair began what else is going on in his life (or was going on when the affair began) reason the affair ended and any number of other things. People are not cut and dried. We all have infinite variety and do things (or don't do things) for an infinite number of reasons, and to pretend that the reason person A did something has anything to do with the reason person B did something is really over simplification.
Guest Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 OK, I need some help. I've been married several years and for the past year have been going through a rough patch. While out one night with friends, someone I've know almost my entire life confided in me that he was basically going through the same things in his marriage that I was. We ended up kissing. He wanted to go further but I decided it wasn't a good idea. I saw him a couple months later and he set up a time to meet and this time we ended up sleeping together. He did tell me right from the start that he was not going to leave his wife because of this kids. I also have kids so that was not an option for me either. We've talked on the phone occassionally and met one more time. He hasn't called since (it's been 2 weeks) and now I feel totally humiliated. He told me that if he wasn't married he would definitely want to be with me. He says all the right things when we are together but then doesn't call. I know I have no right to be mad but I am furious that he has not called just to say hi or anything. I know I will see him again and don't want to act like a crazy woman when I see him because he was up front about his situation but what do I do???
Walking away Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Walk away. Take it from me..... Just walk away.
Joelle Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 OK, I need some help. I've been married several years and for the past year have been going through a rough patch. While out one night with friends, someone I've know almost my entire life confided in me that he was basically going through the same things in his marriage that I was. We ended up kissing. He wanted to go further but I decided it wasn't a good idea. I saw him a couple months later and he set up a time to meet and this time we ended up sleeping together. He did tell me right from the start that he was not going to leave his wife because of this kids. I also have kids so that was not an option for me either. We've talked on the phone occassionally and met one more time. He hasn't called since (it's been 2 weeks) and now I feel totally humiliated. He told me that if he wasn't married he would definitely want to be with me. He says all the right things when we are together but then doesn't call. I know I have no right to be mad but I am furious that he has not called just to say hi or anything. I know I will see him again and don't want to act like a crazy woman when I see him because he was up front about his situation but what do I do??? Here's some of my feedback: I think you became emotionally invested. That's why you're frustrated with him. At a thinking level, you seem to understand his terms, but at a feeling level, you don't, and you became emotionally invested. If I were you, I would try to emotionally disconnect from him. Don't expect much from him. With men, I pay more attention to their actions than their words.
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