fireflywy Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Hey everyone. (My whole story is here)http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=90572&page=8 Well, it has taken me two months of NC and I've finally begun to get angry at my ex. Part of me feels bad because it's not a stage that I wanted to be in (i don't hate her of course) but I'm tired of having thoughts of her running through my head. I'm angry that I never got an apology for some the the things SHE did during the relationship. I'm angry that she put all the guilt on me and I'm angry that I let her do so. I'm angry that she, looking back on it all now, started something with me when she wasn't completely over her ex and then said that it wasn't the problem with us. She said that I was. I'm angry that she hasn't made any move to contact me after I've held onto some small piece of hope these last two months. Right now, I feel like crying. Right now I feel like looking back on her and using negative terms which I've never thought of in conjunction with her. Right now, I'm wondering if I even have the justification to be angry at her? I wasn't angry because I held onto the hope that we would speak again and if so I didn't want to be angry with her... Is this healthy? I want to get stronger and I want to move beyond all of this.
superconductor Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I'm angry that I never got an apology for some the the things SHE did during the relationship. Give it up. She won't apologize, so stop waiting for it. Forgive her. I'm angry that she put all the guilt on me and I'm angry that I let her do so. You really didn't have much of a choice, did you? I'm angry that she, looking back on it all now, started something with me when she wasn't completely over her ex and then said that it wasn't the problem with us. She said that I was. Yes, of course she did. She needed to somehow try to manage her guilt. You just happened to be the unlucky "rebound" guy. I'm angry that she hasn't made any move to contact me after I've held onto some small piece of hope these last two months. Again, give it up. Nothing's wrong with hope, but reality is better. Right now, I feel like crying. Go ahead. No one will tell you to suck it up (unless, of course, it goes on too long). I wasn't angry because I held onto the hope that we would speak again and if so I didn't want to be angry with her... Perfectly normal and natural. Don't give it another moment's thought. Is this healthy? I want to get stronger and I want to move beyond all of this. Of course it is. Like all grief, from relationship breakups to a death in the family or of a close friend, there's no shortcut in going through the stages of coming to terms with the loss. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, finally, acceptance all have to be experienced. I expect that you're actually in the depression phase, but like most guys you feel anger at that because it's not your natural state. You're much closer to the end of this than you may think. You're going to be fine. Just keep on keepin' on.
Author fireflywy Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 You're right. I should forgive her. God this hurts.
superconductor Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 You're right. I should forgive her. God this hurts. Yes, you should. Not just for her, but for you too. Also, remember that forgiveness is a process, not a one-time act. You're entitled to feel angry and hurt, but you're not entitled to let it colour every other aspect of your life and your current - and future - relationships. And it's supposed to hurt. Don't deny yourself the reality of the pain you feel. It's all part of the healing.
Author fireflywy Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 The hard part is. I denied myself feeling upset over everything. (I don't know if you read my looong story). I took everything she said about me, and I took it in and I walked away without really telling her how upset I was or the pain I felt. I took it all in for her for the most part. I didn't want her to hate me (but if you read my previous posts, I don't know if she does or not.) During our relationship, I backed down again and again to keep the peace and I tried to do the best that I could. At the times when I did express myself or showed that I had a disagreement or a problem, I was raged at and told that I was being insensitive or selfish and I had things levelled at me. She made me believe I was this horrible person. I repressed feeling angry because she made feel as if I had no right. I tried to apologize the best way I knew how and have a little dignity to how it ended, but she wouldn't have it. I guess that's why I'm angry. I have burdened myself with guilt for so long and I'm frustrated and a little angry at it. I guess I'm also angry at the fact that I'm always the one who fought to make it work. Always the one to show her that I cared. When will that happen to me? Why do I always have to be the one fighting the storm? I know that in her eye, I did wrong and I guess I just want someone to look at my story and for once tell me that I wasn't totally to blame ya know? sorry for the rant. Just my thoughts.
2020vision Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Anger is a healthy stage of the break up recovery process. And it is very normal. But, please keep in mind this is not a permanent stage. Being angry about my break up helped me, it helps you out of the denial stage that things will work out. Try to work through your anger, and let it go. This will take time, so be patient. Best Wishes, 2020
riobikini Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 re: fireflywy: "...I've finally begun to get angry at my ex..." The anger stage doesn't happen unless you've begun to really *wake up* to why the relationship didn't work. It's when your eyes are finally beginning to open and you discover some startling things that you never saw before (that's because you were looking from the *inside*, -not the *outside*). The anger phase causes you to lose the rose-colored glasses. It's like this murkey cloud begins to dissipate and certain aspects of the relationship emerge with shaper clarity, and the panoramic view -the view from a distance- lets you see the farther-reaching potential, which wasn't all that promising, after all. Anger is a good thing, -working with Father Time it allows you to see more and more of the angles that were hidden. -Rio
In Sync Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Hey everyone. (My whole story is here)http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=90572&page=8 Well, it has taken me two months of NC and I've finally begun to get angry at my ex. Part of me feels bad because it's not a stage that I wanted to be in (i don't hate her of course) but I'm tired of having thoughts of her running through my head. I'm angry that I never got an apology for some the the things SHE did during the relationship. I'm angry that she put all the guilt on me and I'm angry that I let her do so. I'm angry that she, looking back on it all now, started something with me when she wasn't completely over her ex and then said that it wasn't the problem with us. She said that I was. I'm angry that she hasn't made any move to contact me after I've held onto some small piece of hope these last two months. Right now, I feel like crying. Right now I feel like looking back on her and using negative terms which I've never thought of in conjunction with her. Right now, I'm wondering if I even have the justification to be angry at her? I wasn't angry because I held onto the hope that we would speak again and if so I didn't want to be angry with her... Is this healthy? I want to get stronger and I want to move beyond all of this. Being angry for the right things does serve a purpose but really dig deep down within yourself. I've come to realize that the anger I had store up against him was really anger towards me. I was saying how angry at what he did and how I was mistreated by him..but as I dugged uneatherneathe the endless blame of him and his actions OOPS! I saw it was me I was angry at for putting myself in the position to be mistreated. Or allowing him to say things I expected I "should have gotten an apology for". Anger if it is misplaced keeps you feeling like a victim and dwelling on how you were wronged. I am not saying deny your anger I am saying explore beyond it...after you exhaust yourself with the anger I think you either find in order to get beyond it and not hold onto it comes forgiveness.
Chinook Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 You say she had no right to get into a relationship with you when she knew she wasn't over her ex... I've been there in that position. How do you know that she in fact, knew what she was doing...? Because I didn't. I actually liked the guy I was seeing. I actually liked spending time with him. But I couldn't give him what he needed from me. I had to explain that and walk away... to protect him from my taking his time up that he could never get back. Secondly, sometimes... the role of 'just the rebound' guy is actually a very important role to play in someone else's life. I appreciate that it doesn't feel like it and trust me I know because I've been there too. But sometimes the fact is that when we're hurting and alone, we shut down and isolate ourselves. Playing an important role of being that transition partner is very valuable and you should feel very proud of yourself that it was you who fulfilled that need. What need am I talking about..? You essentially gave her back her life. You essentially taught her that it was safe to trust again and that there is a possibility of life after a breakup. What she did with that information, you have no control over. But the heart of the matter is that you, and you alone were responsible from preventing her from becoming a bitter, twisted and isolated lady. The guy I was seeing, I am still on relatively friendly terms with him. I have explained that I will remain so until such time as he doesn't need to be friends with me.... i.e. until he moves on. And he will. But please do not fault your ex for grieving in a way which didn't take proper account of hurting other people. I'm not saying make excuses for her behaviour but when people are recovering from a break-up it can manifest in all kinds of weird and wonderful behaviour... getting involved with someone new is the most common. Take care of yourself.
Author fireflywy Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 You say she had no right to get into a relationship with you when she knew she wasn't over her ex... I've been there in that position. How do you know that she in fact, knew what she was doing...? Because I didn't. I actually liked the guy I was seeing. I actually liked spending time with him. But I couldn't give him what he needed from me. I had to explain that and walk away... to protect him from my taking his time up that he could never get back. Secondly, sometimes... the role of 'just the rebound' guy is actually a very important role to play in someone else's life. I appreciate that it doesn't feel like it and trust me I know because I've been there too. But sometimes the fact is that when we're hurting and alone, we shut down and isolate ourselves. Playing an important role of being that transition partner is very valuable and you should feel very proud of yourself that it was you who fulfilled that need. What need am I talking about..? You essentially gave her back her life. You essentially taught her that it was safe to trust again and that there is a possibility of life after a breakup. What she did with that information, you have no control over. But the heart of the matter is that you, and you alone were responsible from preventing her from becoming a bitter, twisted and isolated lady. quote] Have you read my story? She told me that I set her back. That I was the last of a "long line," a "dirty fighter" and she even said that I was "abusive" because I wouldn't talk to her. It's hard to live with that. I never wanted her to think that. I tried to reinforce her (I hope) but its almost like she wouldn't have it. Everything I ever did or said was wrong. I don't feel like I did a very good job as a "transition partner" and we are not on speaking terms. That's why it hurts. P.S. In the end, in my heart of hearts I don't fault her for how she is handling it. Frustrated at times, I am, ultimately fault her, I don't. I DO want her to be happy. In the end, beyond everything else, that's what matters to me most.
Author fireflywy Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 I want to thank everyone for their responses and insight. I really appreciate it.
Author fireflywy Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 You say she had no right to get into a relationship with you when she knew she wasn't over her ex... I've been there in that position. How do you know that she in fact, knew what she was doing...? Because I didn't. I actually liked the guy I was seeing. I actually liked spending time with him. But I couldn't give him what he needed from me. I had to explain that and walk away... to protect him from my taking his time up that he could never get back. . One last thing. I never said she had no right to get into a relationship with me even though she was with her ex. I did ask her about it and she RAGED at me. (when I say raged, I mean RAGED at me). She didn't respond well to it. And when I asked her about it, she said it was because I wasn't "confident" enough and that she "needed" me to be where she was. I wouldn't have necessarily run from her. She didn't calmly explain herself and walk away from the me like you did with the guy you liked, she yelled at me and said it was all MY fault. That I had the "audacity" to ask her that and not consider her feelings. Granted she may stay away now for the reasons you stated above, but that's not what happened when it happened.
Author fireflywy Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 In the last few minutes I've been thinking... that maybe what I deserve is to forgive myself for all of the things that have happened. I don't really know where or how. I guess part of that process began with the anger and my attempts to realize that it wasn't all my fault. To tell myself that there were other things there that were in play that made it difficult for us to truly have a long term future together. Maybe I should tell myself that what my ex may think, any anger, any resentment, any mistrust, or anything negative that she will carry with her, is no longer in my hands to fix or heal as much as I may want to. I guess there are some things I can fix, and some things I can't. I can only hope that in her time and her place, that she comes to the same peace with both her past and with ours. :lmao:
Chinook Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Like I said Fireflywy, sometimes people do extraordinary things when they're hurting. It sounds to me like she is messed up still and she's finding it easier to lay the blame elsewhere. She may come to realise that what happened is wrong... she probably won't. Not everyone is that good at analysing why they feel the way they do. It's hard. The human psyche is a difficult beast to grapple with. I think though, here... now... today... you've had a little bit of a realisation. It's not your problem to fix and indeed it is also not all your fault. You had 50% responsibility for the relationship... as long as you can hold your head high and truly say that you did your best, there is no blame to lay. It will become easier soon. I think you're further along than you think.
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