wintercs Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Ha, amazing how just a few hours will absolutely put you back down on the ground I was thinking recently about how well (relatively) I've been doing with everything, picking myself off of the turf and starting to get some positive momentum going in my favor. And then came last night. For no real reason at all, I felt like I was going through that downward spiral all over again. Sleeping was absolute hell as I had a bad dream involving her. When I woke up, I felt like I was crying, but I really wasn't, it just felt that way inside. And then this morning I realized that today was my 1 month break-up-aversary. What a way to start off the day. Anyway, finally getting to my question, I'm wondering if I should break NC by sending her an email. At this point, I've resigned myself to accepting the fact that we're not getting back together, but for some reason I feel like I need some closure. I feel like I need her to tell me if she's dating some other guy. But if she's not, what the hell, I already resigned myself to the fact that my ass is done. I guess I don't know what I want...I feel like I don't really have control over my emotions right now. In this potential email, I would tell her that I hope that she's had a great summer, that I've missed her and maybe even that I've had a harder time than I had expected. It probably is a terribly awful idea, but I feel like it's something I should do. She's a sweet girl and I know that she would respond reasonably soon and at least reciprocate some of the feelings. Maybe part of me just needs to know that she hasn't forgotten about me and that she still remembers all of the fun times we had when we were together. Any thoughts?
Author wintercs Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 Is this the "I'm going to look like a pathetic pussy" if I send it argument?
superconductor Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Nope. It's the "it will only make you feel worse, not better" argument.
Author wintercs Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 Ok...well I don't know how I could feel worse than right now, but I'll take your word for it. What if - and i've been trying to figure this out recently - SHE breaks the NC
lebowski24 Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I wouldn't break it either. I have plenty of posts on here about how I wish I could break it, but there are so many reasons not to. First of all, my ex was the sweetest girl as well, but as soon as we broke up, she took any attempt from me to contact her as annoying and it actually made matters worse. Secondly, I guarantee you that you don't want her to tell you she is seeing someone else. It will just make you pissed off and depressed. Now, to answer your question about if SHE breaks it... that's where I'm as lost as you. I want nothing more than for her to call me some day soon. But if she does, I am going to let her leave a voice mail, and then wait another couple weeks before I even consider calling her back.
Chinook Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Nope. It's the "it will only make you feel worse, not better" argument. Agreed. Don't do it. Believe me. You can and you WILL feel worse. I can almost guarantee it. Take it from someone who has been in limited contact hell for TWO YEARS. Yesterday I finally said "enough" and applied all the NC rules you can think of. No mobile phone. Changed landline phone number. Work phone on voicemail phone system. Blocked work email. Blocked home email. Blocked mobile phone-to-email messages.
superconductor Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 What if - and i've been trying to figure this out recently - SHE breaks the NC If she breaks it, that's her perogative. But that doesn't mean you should reciprocate. Keep up NC. Don't give in. It makes no difference if she breaks it or not, no matter how much she makes promises and cries and all the rest. DO NOT GIVE IN
Winfield Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 And then this morning I realized that today was my 1 month break-up-aversary. What a way to start off the day. When you woke up you should have realised it's way overdue the time to stop living in the past! Why count the days? What good does it do anyone? It probably is a terribly awful idea You're right, it is... She's a sweet girl and I know that she would respond reasonably soon and at least reciprocate some of the feelings. I'm not disputing the type of girl she is, but you're setting yourself up for a fall here...building your hopes up that she'll say what you want her to say...and unless you're a hypnotist, the chances of that happening are several million to one. Maybe part of me just needs to know that she hasn't forgotten about me and that she still remembers all of the fun times we had when we were together. She will remember the fun times she had with you (unless, of course, some clever-clogs has invented the "Mind Eraser"). Heck, you went out with her, sharing some fun times as you say, so it couldn't have been a total disaster! Let her remember you for the person you were when you were both together, not "the guy who had a problem getting over a break-up". Take the relationship for what it was - cool times with a cool woman. Now, leave her be and move on.
lebowski24 Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 She will remember the fun times she had with you (unless, of course, some clever-clogs has invented the "Mind Eraser"). Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? It's actually an excellent movie that is about having your ex erased from your mind, yet somehow you still can't forget completely. Jim Carrey is surprisingly good in it too. Also, to your point, there is a shot called the "Mind Eraser" which actually does make things quite fuzzy
Chinook Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? It's actually an excellent movie that is about having your ex erased from your mind, yet somehow you still can't forget completely. Jim Carrey is surprisingly good in it too. Also, to your point, there is a shot called the "Mind Eraser" which actually does make things quite fuzzy I would dearly love for that contraption to be invented right now.
Clouseau Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 But then regardless of situations we find ourselves in, we are the sum of our experiences. I love that film too - but I wouldn't want any of the times I had with my ex removed. I know it's a cliche and its hard to take - (Im going through problems at the moment too) but surely it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all? C.
Chinook Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 But then regardless of situations we find ourselves in, we are the sum of our experiences. I love that film too - but I wouldn't want any of the times I had with my ex removed. I know it's a cliche and its hard to take - (Im going through problems at the moment too) but surely it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all? C. Maybe so, but if it was all erased, I'd never really know... which right now, is an option I would definitely consider if the 'mind eraser' were a true enough contraption.
SUMMER 1969 Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I totally understand why you want to contact her, but let me give you a little advise from a woman.. If you call her, One of Two things can happen here.. 1. she will talk to you and you will assume she loves you and wants you back.. 2. She will treat you like crap and you will feel even worse.. If I were you I would wait awhile before you contact her.. She will not just forget about you... There will always be some kind of a memory or a song that she will hear and I am sure she thinks of you.. I understand what you are dealing with here.. I Once dated a guy that I loved and he left me for another woman.. I kept calling him becasue I was scared he was going to forget about me as well.. But down the road I realized that he could not just turn off all memories of me, no matter how much he wanted to.. Stay strong and just know that by having no contact is making you a stronger person.. Good Luck to you and just know that there are a million other people out there that are going through the same thing as you..
Winfield Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 LOL - I'm speechless! Have you ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? I haven't seen that film yet, no... It's actually an excellent movie that is about having your ex erased from your mind, yet somehow you still can't forget completely. See - the fictional bods ain't that clever...well, not yet, anyway! Also, to your point, there is a shot called the "Mind Eraser" which actually does make things quite fuzzy Hmm, well, then again, the real bods are getting there - but the idea of such medication (to me) is a very scary prospect... What next? A "Human Emotion" blocker, effectively turning people into robots? Please don't tell me they're developing one of those, lol!
Author wintercs Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 Well, I'm glad that this thread has turned into a movie review haha...j/k Anyway, thanks everyone for your advice and support - I haven't made any dumb moves and will keep NC in effect. Thanks again!
Winfield Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Back on topic - while you can't erase her from your mind, at least erase her from your phone, internet contacts, etc, etc...basically any physical way you can... ...then you'll find the memory of her will pass with time. Try it, and give it a chance - it won't work overnight, but it'll work.
lebowski24 Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 What next? A "Human Emotion" blocker, effectively turning people into robots? Please don't tell me they're developing one of those, lol! They have that one too. It's called "marijuana".
Mollyanna Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 They have that one too. It's called "marijuana". OMG, so that is what is wrong with my X. Never dawned on me... hmmmm.... maybe I should take that up too. can't get hurt if I don't have any feelings!
Guest Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 in reply to your original question, i don't really agree that putting so much emphasis on having no contact with her is the correct decision. It depends so much on how you two were in the relationship. there is no way to give you good advice unless we knew everything about your relationship with her and how you to felt. for example : if you were best friends but the romance just disappeared, then it would be a good idea to call her, cos then you two could become friends again and that would release any pain and other negative emotions that you have. on the other hand, if you are going to be very jealous of other guys wnating to go out with her and you are still unsure as to the validity of the breakup, then i would recommend that you don't call her. so, i guess only you can really make that call based on how you know the relationship. no personal attacks on any of the other repliers, but i dont think that anyone can really give you a generic answer like "don't call her, no matter what, believe me i know.." etc when every relationship is different and the breakup and aftermath are all derivative from the uniqueness of that relationship. what i mean is - no 'one' answer can cover all breakup questions. you have to look at how you feel about the experience you have been through and make a judgement on that experience. don't call her if you have an alterior motive and don't no call her for another alterior motive. that is, dont call her to ask her if she is seeing anyone and don't not call her cos you don't want to look like you are giving in. anyway, thats my response for what it is worth. its only an opinion, i have come to realise that only you can make the best call. if you are unsure, then go for a long run or workout and then when your head is clear and positive, make the desicion. don't make it sitting on the couch after stewing over it for half and hour.
Author wintercs Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 Thanks guest for your different perspective. We were very close when we were dating - we both attended the same school and I often spent the night at her place (just because of the way our schedules were organized). There were a few instances where I thought that things were going to end because she seemed like she wasn't sure what she wanted. But she kept me around - she says - because she saw in me what she wanted in a guy and didn't want to lose me. After graduating, I moved back to PA and she back to VA. She came and visited me Memorial Day weekend and it was honestly the best weekend of the summer...everything went perfectly and all of my anxieties about our distance was put at bay during that weekend. We were so happy together. Then a few weeks later - in retrospect - I noticed some change in her demeanor on the phone and what not. I knew the distance might have bene getting to her but I was going to be visiting the weekend after the 4th of July to celebrate both of our birthday's - mine at the end of June and hers right after the 4th. Well she called me after she spent a week in Florida (coincidentally the week of my birthday) and told me that she felt that the distance was causing her to have problems and that she needed to be single, not to be someone's "other half" right now. It was a twist on the whole "it's not you, it's me" argument, but that's what she said. She also told me that there were no other guys "around here" (meaning back in VA). Our conversation on the phone included me crying like a little girl (because I really loved her with everything I had) as well as her crying too. I was speechless and was shocked that this was happening. She asked me if I was mad. "Mad?" I asked, "what would I have to be mad about? You're being honest with me and I don't want you to resent our relationship...I care too much for you to want that." I also said - and maybe this was stupid - that "I support your decision because I love you and if being separated makes you happer and a better person right now, well then that's what it's gotta be." A few days later I texted her and asked if we could talk, nothing bad, just talk a little bit. And she replied very sweetly that we sure could, and I called her and we just talked about stuff for about 20 minutes, it was innocent and nothing major. About a week after that she IMed me with a political joke - she Imed me out of the blue and opened with "this is something that I think you'll like"...and then pasted the joke. Well that's been it. I haven't talked with her since, probably going on 3 weeks total. I feel like she might be waiting for me to contact her but I'm not blinking...SHE broke up with me. Even though I wish we were still together, I'm not going to crawl back to her. I don't want it to look like I'm pissed at her - well I might be though, depending on her status with a joker I think she might be messing around with, but whatever. Sorry for the novel, but that last post seemed to make me want to lay it all out for you!
LaraV Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 She asked me if I was mad. "Mad?" I asked, "what would I have to be mad about? You're being honest with me and I don't want you to resent our relationship...I care too much for you to want that." I also said - and maybe this was stupid - that "I support your decision because I love you and if being separated makes you happer and a better person right now, well then that's what it's gotta be." Sorry for the novel, but that last post seemed to make me want to lay it all out for you! Oh, don't you hate it when there's nothing to be mad at them for. If their feelings changed or just failed to form, what can you possibly blame them for? Sometimes I think that's the worst...
Author wintercs Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 The only thing I would be mad - and livid about - is if she snowed me and the REAL reason she was breaking up with me was because of another guy but she didn't want me to get mad, sad, etc because of that fact. I'm doubtful, however, that she did dump me for another guy because we've been very open with each other from day one and I...well I just trust her. If I had to be mad at her for anything, it might be because she moved on too quickly/sugar-coated everything, but I'm just speculating on that anyway. Plus, I'd rather be in this position and not her...kinda weird to say that, but it's true!
DivaAlec Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Did you break up with her or did she break up with you? Why did you guys break up? I am in a very similar situation, but I am the girl who is trying to do the NC thing. I am having a terrible time, but I keep telling myself that the only way to possibly get him back is to let him go. I believe that if you really love somthing you have to let it go, and if it loves you it will come back. She won't forget. I am so afraid he is going to forget me, but on the other hand he took me to Disneyland for a week! How could he forget that?! Anyways, you can PM me if you are really feeling low, like you want to email me. Please don't hesistate. I know exactly where you are, from a girl's perspective!!!!
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