Princessa, Midori, was it love?

[Katherine]

Princessa

 

Yes, your analysis is helpful. But I do think it begs the question: was it really love? Yes, when I was with him, it sure seemed that way. I never felt so loved and adored. But really in the final analysis, he took no risks. Now looking back, I can see that he never really gave himself to me the same way I was giving myself to him. Maybe it was because my possible departure was looming -- like a grey cloud -- we both knew my ability to stay in the country was in jeopardy without the job.

 

so, I don't know if it was love. Love as you and I may know it...

 

Midori, thank you for sharing your story. I guess it was real, but I do wonder why there is such a difference with our ability to cope with this break-up. I do not know how you can be with a person one day, happy, together, intimate, and then change so quickly. I could not spend time with someone and be so close unless the feelings were strong enough to consider a long term commitment. I just wouldn't bother, and probably wouldn't want to be close to that person or spend time with them. I just wouldn't want to bother, and the person would start to irritate me. I guess I should just accept the fact that it was real, his feelings were real, but that this relationship, quite simply failed the first real test of commitment. Just out right failed, didn't even come close to passing. I hope I can take the time to really heal now and be in a stronger place. I can't stand doubting myself and seeing myself as weak and needy. And that he might see me that way too. Ugh.

[Princessa]

Princessa Yes, your analysis is helpful. But I do think it begs the question: was it really love? Yes, when I was with him, it sure seemed that way. I never felt so loved and adored. But really in the final analysis, he took no risks. Now looking back, I can see that he never really gave himself to me the same way I was giving myself to him. Maybe it was because my possible departure was looming -- like a grey cloud -- we both knew my ability to stay in the country was in jeopardy without the job. so, I don't know if it was love. Love as you and I may know it... Midori, thank you for sharing your story. I guess it was real, but I do wonder why there is such a difference with our ability to cope with this break-up. I do not know how you can be with a person one day, happy, together, intimate, and then change so quickly. I could not spend time with someone and be so close unless the feelings were strong enough to consider a long term commitment. I just wouldn't bother, and probably wouldn't want to be close to that person or spend time with them. I just wouldn't want to bother, and the person would start to irritate me. I guess I should just accept the fact that it was real, his feelings were real, but that this relationship, quite simply failed the first real test of commitment. Just out right failed, didn't even come close to passing. I hope I can take the time to really heal now and be in a stronger place. I can't stand doubting myself and seeing myself as weak and needy. And that he might see me that way too. Ugh.

Are you asking me if what he felt for you was "truly" love? Are you asking me what you felt (and still feel?) for him was truly love? Are you asking about the intensity of the feelings shared? Well, I think you are in a much better position to asses that than I am. Perhaps you could trust yourself, your sense of things. What's preventing you from trusting yourself?

 

If you miss him now and want him, and when he sees that he thinks you are needy and weak, doesn't that say more about him than about you? Doesn't that say that he has strong judgments when he sees desire, longing, and vulnerability?

[midori]

People are different, men and women are often different in how they approach love and intimate relationships. Not to get too broad with the gender-generalizations.

 

The fact that he is (or seems to be) moving on so swiftly and with such ease does not mean that it wasn't love. That's why I suggested examining his other intimate relationships, try to figure out how he handles love, how he views it. I don't just mean other women he's been involved with, how close is he to his family? How about his friends -- a few close, long-time friends or lots of more superficial ones? You're doubting yourself based on your reaction to your ex's behavior in the aftermath of the break-up. And I certainly don't blame you, I did the same myself. It hurts so much.

 

But if you're trying to understand where he's coming from, look at the bigger picture. I'd be willing to bet that you can discern a pattern of some sort into which his current stance fits neatly. I'm sure his behavior is not about who you are (or aren't) but about how he deals with love, with loss, etc. Seeing that, if you can, would probably go a long way toward helping you come to terms with things in such a way that you're not doubting yourself.

 

And if, upon closer scrutiny, you discover that he's really just an insensitive, superficial person who isn't capable of real love, at least that would make it easier for you to let go and move on...