starvingartist Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 To make a long story short, my wife of almost two years has been wrestling with bi-polar depression for most of her life. She takes her pills but sometimes she feels there having an effect and sometimes there not. We have a 18 month daughter who is now the subject of debate in our seperation custody 'discussions.' In short, my wife has been pretty distant in the marriage and I've bent over backwards trying to make this work and keep her happy. She's always had what I felt was a strange relationship with our daughter in that some days, she loves being around her all day (stay at home mom) and other days, she has literally told me that she wants to leave me and the baby...for good...because it's all too much to handle. Of course now she denys ever saying that and/or that all moms have felt this way before. I've also talked to a close friend of hers (also a mom) that has told me about times when wife admitted to waking up in the morning when the baby wakes up (6:30am or so), giving her something to keep her quiet long enough for wife to go back to sleep and not waking up until sometime after 12 noon. Wife also denies ever doing this. Did I mention that I've come to realize that she has a bad habit of lying too? It was a series of lies that led me to finally calling this farce of a marriage off. Wife has said for a long time now that she always felt that I was the more able parent and the more stable, reliable adult. A week after (finally) telling her that I want to seperation/divorce, she has suddenly changed her mind (and appears to have moved in with the guy who she's been seeing behind my back, I've discovered) and now believes that she should be the primary caregiver because she can do just as good a job as I can. I've tried explaining that her condition, whether she wants to accept it or not, makes it hard enough to lead her own life half of the time and that she needs to address this (for real this time) first. Wife, of course, accuses me of throwing her condition back in her face and has accused me of trying to hide her away from her own daughter. I asked her if she trusts me and if I've ever done anything to make her feel otherwise. She gave me a hesistant 'yes.' I then told her that I would never keep a mother and child away from eachother completely. I then asked if she believed me; she gave me another hesistant 'yes.' It would seem that she simply believes that she should be the primary caregiver because.....I dunno....because she's a mother and that's just the way it should be. I'm amazed at how fast this is all boiling down to an angry divorce and a bitter custody battle. I'm talking to a lawyer tomorrow because the pragmatic side of me says I shouldn't kid myself. But I can't bear to think of what's going to happen in the near future between us.
blind_otter Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I am sorry that you feel that way. Is she also in therapy to learn life skills and coping skills in addition to her medication? That's really important for bipolar patients.
Lor Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 By all means, protect your daughter. She's the most important one. Even if it means that mom only has visitation. Custody doesn't always go to the mother anymore. I would recommend keeping a journal of things that have happened and will happen. Do all mothers feel like they want to leave and can't handle things? Not all but we do have good days and bad days. No one wants to look at their wife and see a possible Andrea Yates. And that is really scary to hear that she is "giving her something" to get her to go back to sleep. Please take care.
superconductor Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 She's obviously not thinking clearly, so it's going to be your task to ensure that your new daughter is brought up healthy and happy. Whether that includes her mother or not isn't something that I can speculate on; that's a legal and medical decision. Sounds like she's also got post-partum depression issues on top of the bi-polar condition. It's pretty common and can be treated, but she has to seek treatment on her own (unless you decide to go the route of having her involuntarily commited, which is probably not the best idea). For the time being, take anything she says with a grain of salt. She's wrestling with inner demons that you (and I) can only guess at, and how these colour her words and actions make her decisions erratic and maybe even dangerous. Take care of the little girl first. That's got to be your primary domestic goal right now.
blind_otter Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Actually I was thinking about this. I have two family members who recently gave birth. One is my older brother-in-law's sister, the other my own sister. My own sister is on child #3 and very relaxed about her baby. The BIL's sister, OTOH, is freaking the feck out. She has pastpartum issues up the yin yang, and keeps having neurotic emotional collapses treated by her doctor with increasing doses of zoloft. Is this her first baby? AFAIK this is a hugely stressful transition.
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