MissBossyBoots Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I've been going out with a wonderful guy for about 4 months. I've had casual relationships in the past (i.e. been out with jerks who used me for sex) so this is my first 'real' boyfriend. I'm 25. I've been single all my life and lived by myself for the past 4 years, so I am not used to compromising or dealing with someone else's emotions. I am having a lot of trouble understanding that my bf is not always going to follow the script I have played out in my head. He's not a mind reader! And yet somehow, when he fails to meet some stupid expectation I have never even told him about, I feel furious and lash out at him. Eg - during conversation on Saturday night he said we should hang out the next day if I'm free. I said I wasn't sure if I was but that'd be good. I called him at 4pm, then had a shower, straightened my hair, shaved my legs etc etc getting ready to see him. He doesn't call back until 7pm (said he had left his phone at work), and by that time I have worked myself into a bit of a rage. I calm down though when he calls and try to carry on a normal conversation. Never once does he ask if I want to meet up with him. I can feel myself getting angry and cut him off then hang up really quickly. He then calls back and asks what the deal is? I say, tearily, I thought we were suppose to meet up. And he goes, oh I thought you would be too tired, okay I'll come over. And he did and we had a great night. Instead of just asking him if he wanted to hang out, I got mad that he didn't initiate the invitation like I planned in my head. I came off looking like a complete schitzo and I know he wasn't impressed. I have numerous other examples of equally silly things to which I have overreacted. I just find that in the situation, I can't control my emotions. When he doesn't meet some silly ideal I have, I give him the silent treatment or turn nasty. I am always extremely apologetic afterwards and I know I need to change. But HOW? Why am I like this and how can I become the cool gf I so desperately want to be?
lilbabe Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I know exactly what you are going through darlin. I don't think there is a female that doesn't. We all have this pretty little picture painted in our heads of how things should play out. They don't happen that way and we get emotional and pout. Sometime take it to more of an extreme and get angry and throw a tantrum. We feel that men should be the ones to initiate spending time together and be able to read exactly what it is that we want. As women we will probably never be able to tell what goes in their handsome little minds. However, one of two things is going to happen. You are going to calm down and just let things happen. Now if you are anything like me, this is very difficult. Having things planned out and flow perfectly is how I work. My b/f does not function this way. He is logical, but never has anything planned. All you can do to get through this is just be patient and try to change together. Again, just sit back, relax and let things try to happen naturally as they should. It is much less stressful & better then the second outcome to this. Which is, that you are going to continue being the way you are & you are going to drive him away. When emotions don't play out the way we want, we all sit back and wonder if there is someone else out there that can fulfill the things we need and he will do the same thing if you aren't careful. I wish you the best of luck with this one.
superconductor Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I am always extremely apologetic afterwards and I know I need to change. But HOW? You just do it. When you feel the anger welling up, stop. Just plain stop. You have control of your emotions, they don't control you. Why am I like this and how can I become the cool gf I so desperately want to be? In one sense, it really doesn't matter why you're like this, because that's not where you want to be. So instead of focusing on the whys and wherefores of how you are, focus on the hows of what you wish to become.
Becoming Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 You just do it. When you feel the anger welling up, stop. Just plain stop. You have control of your emotions, they don't control you. In one sense, it really doesn't matter why you're like this, because that's not where you want to be. So instead of focusing on the whys and wherefores of how you are, focus on the hows of what you wish to become. Excellent post, SC! Agree. But there could be more underlying issues you need to deal with that therapy could help you with. With more understanding the emotions won't be controlling you as it seems they are now. Sometimes, we just need time to know what it is we really want so we can state it calmly. So maybe you just need some time to figure that out when you find yourself getting upset instead of expecting the other to be a mind reader and take care of you when you don't even know what it is that you want.
norajane Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I used to have this problem. Or, rather, I thought it was anger that was my problem, but I eventually realized it was actually disappointment and I didn't know how to express it except by blowing up. Usually it was disappointment that I wasn't getting what I had my heart set on...in your case, that your expectations aren't being met. It helped me to recognize the difference, though I'm not sure why. I learned to say things like, "I'm really disappointed that we won't get a chance to see each other tonight" instead of immediately giving in to my angry reaction. That way, I express my feelings without attacking the other person.
scrybe74 Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 My gf is struggling with the same problem you have. We've been together for 2 1/2 years now and she's gotten way better. It took practice. After many stupid fights and short break ups she just started practicing little by little and learned to communicate in a different way. What she learned about her self is that her way of dealing with things most of her life growing up wasn't working anymore. It took her best friend in the whole world to tell her. She called her friend to talk about the problems she was having with me and her friend (for the first time) honestly told her about how she reacts to people and how controlling she can be sometimes. It was huge wake up call. She also realized that she was acting like her mother (whom she never wanted to be) and that was another wake up call. It was just a little trial and error. She learned to be more direct with her feelings and desires, more patient with my interpretations and behaviors and also not to take everything so seriously. I've learned to be more patient when she flies off the handle, I try to respond quickly to whatever she needs and I'm trying really hard not to close off and be distant when we have a falling out. If you really love someone and it's worth it then making small changes isn't such a big deal. You're not changing who you are...just how you communicate.
scrybe74 Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I used to have this problem. Or, rather, I thought it was anger that was my problem, but I eventually realized it was actually disappointment and I didn't know how to express it except by blowing up. Usually it was disappointment that I wasn't getting what I had my heart set on...in your case, that your expectations aren't being met. It helped me to recognize the difference, though I'm not sure why. I learned to say things like, "I'm really disappointed that we won't get a chance to see each other tonight" instead of immediately giving in to my angry reaction. That way, I express my feelings without attacking the other person. I think the most important thing beyond whether it was dissapointment or anger is how you express that. It's okay to be angry and/or dissapointed but I think when people communicate better many times they'll discover simple misunderstandings or misconceptions that can easily be remedied. 80% of the fights that I had with my girlfriend were misunderstandings. The we would dip into this cycle of her exploding at me and me reacting to her explosions but neither one of us calmed down long enough to find out why were fighting. When we did....normally....it was simply a miscommunication.
blind_otter Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 there's a good book i read called "Fighting FOR your marriage" google it if you like. I am no longer married, but the principles of the book are abour conflict management skills that anyone in a LTR can learn from.
Outcast Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Read some books by Dr. Albert Ellis. He explains how we cause ourselves grief by setting up expectations for others. He explains a lot about how people can be really unreasonable and tells how to become more reasonable. Bottom line: you must require better of yourself. And if you're unable to sort this problem out on your own with the help of some of the books mentioned, it's time to get professional help. Life will not go the way YOU want it to and people have their own wishes, desires, plans, and ways of operating and nobody put you in charge of running the world. If you can't talk your own self into that mindset, you'll need help to figure out why.
Green Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 This one time my life was turned haywire when a fluke accident enabled me to hear what women think. Women are crazy! Who would want to do that again?
Recommended Posts