WonderWater Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 My story is somewhat long, but not unfamiliar. I am a 30-year married mother of one. I have been with/married to the same man for 11 years. I never dated, kissed, anything with another man. Our marriage has never been "blissful". We went through some very rough patches when our child was born. Somewhere along the way, I changed who I am and felt out of romantic love with him. Five months ago, I started having an affair with a married man. He has been married for 6 years. He says he and his wife stopped having sex 4 years ago and the she no longer loves him. But, he doesn't leave her. He claims he wants kids, she isn't interested, but won't leave her. In the beginning of our relationship, it seemed perfect. He promised me the world - that he was falling for me, wanted to run away with me and start a new life. It was obviously too perfect, because 4 days after our first sexual encounter, he confessed to me that he was only after me for sex. Here's the interesting thing: I am okay with it. I could deal with it now that it is all out on the table. Our times together were about being together physically. And they were incredible, nothing like I have ever had in my marriage. I think the biggest problem that I am having with him is that he vacillates in what he wants from me. At least, in what he tells me that he wants from me. We will have an encounter together and he will tell me about how he wants to travel with me and talk about a future. The next time, he will talk about his future with his wife. My second problem is that I am now going through a divorce. It is not related to the affair. It is related to the realization that my husband and I have grown too far apart. My MM used to support me, and be a shoulder for me to cry on with my marital problems. Now, he is just annoyed with me when I talk about them. I was reading the "love or lust" thread below and found it very interesting. I know that my MM is not in love with me. But, I think it is more than just lust. He always wants to make sure that I am satisfied. He always asks me what I want to do. Am I reading too much into it, because I want there to be something real?
GreenEyedLady Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Right now you are in CrazyTime. That's what divorce is all about. I think you should be real careful because you are very vulnerable right now. One day you'll feel one way, the next day you'll feel different. I can't say for sure about your MM and his intentions. I am sure he wants to continue the sexual relationship and satisfy you enough to keep you for him. You're divorcing and are available now. He has potential competition now. I'm sure he does care for you, but to what extent? And what extent will you settle for? Just take care of yourself. Divorce is hell.
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 My story is somewhat long, but not unfamiliar. I am a 30-year married mother of one. I have been with/married to the same man for 11 years. I never dated, kissed, anything with another man. Our marriage has never been "blissful". We went through some very rough patches when our child was born. Somewhere along the way, I changed who I am and felt out of romantic love with him. Did you at anytime back then, want to get your love and passion back for your husband? Did you tell him how you were feeling? Go to marriage counselling? Five months ago, I started having an affair with a married man. He has been married for 6 years. He says he and his wife stopped having sex 4 years ago and the she no longer loves him. But, he doesn't leave her. He claims he wants kids, she isn't interested, but won't leave her. I hate to say this, but you want opinions, so here's mine... He is lying to his wife, so chances are he's lied to you afew times as well. Don't fool yourself into believing he hasn't had sex with wife for FOUR years. No way! They sleep in the same bed too... Why do you think he won't leave her? Think about that...If they aren't on the same page about children, why is he still with her? In the beginning of our relationship, it seemed perfect. He promised me the world - that he was falling for me, wanted to run away with me and start a new life. It was obviously too perfect, because 4 days after our first sexual encounter, he confessed to me that he was only after me for sex. Fantasy... Here's the interesting thing: I am okay with it. I could deal with it now that it is all out on the table. Our times together were about being together physically. And they were incredible, nothing like I have ever had in my marriage. *edited my reply as I see you're in the process of getting a divorce.* I think the biggest problem that I am having with him is that he vacillates in what he wants from me. At least, in what he tells me that he wants from me. We will have an encounter together and he will tell me about how he wants to travel with me and talk about a future. The next time, he will talk about his future with his wife. Again, fantasy. He wants what he wants. The best of both worlds. You for sex and affection, fun and his wife for everything else. Family, friends, neighbours, work functions, holidays, birthdays... He is so caught up in the moment, telling you one thing and then talking about his wife...Why are you putting up with this? Do you think he is going to leave her for you? My second problem is that I am now going through a divorce. It is not related to the affair. It is related to the realization that my husband and I have grown too far apart. My MM used to support me, and be a shoulder for me to cry on with my marital problems. Now, he is just annoyed with me when I talk about them. The fantasy isn't that anymore. It's him realizing that you're a REAL human being, a real woman with a life and problems. That things between you two are not always going to be so happy and sexual. Just like a real relationship, not one based on sex and lust. I was reading the "love or lust" thread below and found it very interesting. I know that my MM is not in love with me. But, I think it is more than just lust. He always wants to make sure that I am satisfied. He always asks me what I want to do. Am I reading too much into it, because I want there to be something real? If you know he isn't inlove with you, why stick around and let him use you? I'm sure he has feelings for you, but don't fool yourself into thinking that he has a deep love for you that he has for his wife. I think you are reading alot into it just because he wants things as simple as it can be. He wants to have you, please you - So you won't end it with him. Why would he get rid of you and his wife when ALL his needs are being met? Are you SURE you want to get a divorce? If things end with the MM, after you and your husband split up, will you have any regrets? Will you wonder, "if only we'd gone to marriage counselling and give it all we got, because of our child..." Just giving you some stuff to think about. Good luck and I hope you find happiness.
yesmaybe Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Maybe this MM is just a way to soften the transition? You're getting a divorce, you're unhappy, and having someone's warmth is something that no one should dismiss. Sex is a very soothing, comforting thing. The problem is, when the MM suddenly becomes your anchor. Women tend to put all their dreams and hopes on one man at a time. It's hard for women to see multiple people at once. But if you're only seeing one man, then you start to forget that there are other pieces of steak out there too. I suggest you keep this in the back of your mind as you continue with your divorce.
Sami_D Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Hello WonderWater, I don't think this MM really has anything to offer you now that you are divorcing your H and embarking on a new single life. Nothing about what you've told us about him looks good for a future relationship... My opinion is that he is just feeding you enough 'romance' and future planning to get what he (and you say you) wants for the present time. You have a new future ahead of you... don't waste any more of it on this relationship with MM.
newbby Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 hey ww, i agree with sami d. on one hand you say you are happy with just sex, but then you say you hope it is more than lust. i have been in a similar headspace and i understand it, but i think you really really need to look bravely at what you really want from this man. if he began with all the romantic talk, then obviously your expectations were quite high for this relationship. he has probably been throwing in more and more reality to see how little he can offer to keep you around. the trouble is, that as the ow, sometimes, something seems to happen where you become addicted, and begin to compromise your own requirements for the relationship. i am not saying it is or isnt more than lust, but that he is a selfish man, who only wants to offer you the minimum to get his needs met. i have been there and i know how confusing and addictive the situation can be, my advice is to get out as soon as you can. there is nothing you can do to change the situation, so really have a look inside and see what you want.
Author WonderWater Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 First off, thank you all for your very honest opinions. It is refreshing to know that I am not the only person who has misstepped in their life. Yes, I have been through marriage counseling. I have tried to save the marriage for our child. But, we are both just so miserable with each other. We would go out of our ways to be away from each other (I worked 80 hours at my job). And I was just missing my daughter all the time. He is 6.5 years older than me and knew more what he wanted out of life when he met me. I didn't have a clue... I know more now. whichwayisup's reply definitely opened my eyes. It was brutually honest, but I appreciate that. Of course, my first instinct is to attack back and defend the MM. I guess that is a sign of my problem with him. That I can't see beyond my own blinders to what is really out there. "If they aren't on the same page about children, why is he still with her?" This is definitely one that has been bugging me. I have heard him tell other people, besides myself, that he wants kids. But, I'm a mother. It's just a gut instinct that a mother has. He has no interest whatsoever in children that he is a around. I don't really think he wants to be a parent. "Why would he get rid of you and his wife when ALL his needs are being met?" This has definitely been the one mantra that I have been repeating over and over in my head. Right now, his life is real good. He's got the wife at home to meet the cooking, cleaning, errand-running, show-off needs. Then he's got his whore on the side - or his "dirty little secret". You're right, what man would want to give that up?
movinon05 Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 My second problem is that I am now going through a divorce. It is not related to the affair. It is related to the realization that my husband and I have grown too far apart. My MM used to support me, and be a shoulder for me to cry on with my marital problems. Now, he is just annoyed with me when I talk about them. Besides all the other things, this is what I don't think has been touched on yet. He used to support you, but now he is annoyed. He has told you he's not leaving his wife and you were safe while you were married. He may be feeling threatened now because of your impending divorce because he may think you're going to want more from him when its over. And I don't think he has any intentions of freeing himself to be with you. Do you send out signals or say to him - when I'm divorced we can be together or something of that nature? You're going to go through some very emotional times now with the D. You need supportive people around you. It WILL get crazy. Try to focus on you and your child now. Are you hoping you will be with MM when the D is all over? You will be on your own. That in itself is an adjustment. Don't try to think into the unknown future if that is what you are doing. If your MM continues to stay in his M when you are free, that is another whole ballgame that will put you through another emotional ringer.
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I'm glad I've opened your eyes abit...And got you thinking outside the box. First I have say, don't say things about yourself that aren't true. You are not a whore, nor are you his whore! Remember that! You are a strong woman, who just happens to be in a situation that isn't good nor healthy. As for your MM, don't put so much energy into him. I think in time, you'll see him for what he is. A greedy selfish person who wants to have his cake and eat it too.
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