hubby doesn't understand my burn-out

[HeatherRC]

I need to know if anyone else has experienced this and what you did about it.

 

My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years and have two small children, 5 1/2 and 3. I am primarily a stay-at-home mommy who works per diem as a registered nurse (a couple to several evening shifts/month depending on our financial need). In addition, during the summer I videotape up to two weddings/month and edit them. This I also do for the extra cash.

 

My problem is burn-out, or more accurately, sensory overload. All my life I've been very independent and a loner, having only one or two friends in school by choice because I preferred to be by myself much of the time. I like quiet. I like thinking. I like reading. Of course, I do like to "party" occasionally and I love going out to see music with my husband (I especially like Bluegrass and the fact that I love banjo and am teaching myself to play is a little bit of a contradiction to what I'm saying about myself, but oh, well... what can I say? ) And there are a lot of times when I love being around a lot of people--I love entertaining.

 

I guess my sensory overload occurs when I have day after day of kids bickering and talking my ear off and wanting to be picked up, picked up, picked up. And oh! the whining my 3-yr-old has started into of late!! It just feels like it never ends and I can't escape it. And I've discovered that I'm not a dog person because I can't stand how needy dogs are--I have enough neediness from small children without having a dog who is under foot all the time and always on the lookout for food to steal (she's very large--a Rhodesian Ridgeback--so underfoot is an understatement and she can easily snatch food off the counters). I love cats because they do their own thing all day. Anyway, I digress... At least when I entertain, I'm choosing a day to have the house full of people and noise, and then several hours later it ends and doesn't come back.

 

Don't get me wrong--I love my children and being a SAHM and it's very important to my husband and me that they not be raised in a daycare. I have a great time with my kids most of the time. I just need more "me" time before I lose my mind.

 

My husband works full-time and often overtime, and I totally appreciate this. I try and have a smile and a kiss for him at the door and dinner in a timely fashion (although this is hard with "pick me up, pick me up, pick me up!" "he hit me on purpose!" "sister pushed me down!" "mommy can I have something to eat" [if you give me a chance I'm trying to get dinner on the table and then you'll have something to eat] "I want something to eat, I want something to eat, I want something to eat!".......). He winds down by taking the dog for a walk, then comes in and asks if he can help with dinner. My answer is usually to help with entertaining the kids and I'll deal with dinner. That is a HUGE help and I always tell him so.

 

But there are also times when he takes off to go visit his friend 20 minutes away or if another friend is in the next state over visiting his family, my husband makes plans to go spend a couple of days there. He always asks if I have a problem with him taking off, and to be quite honest, I encourage him to go because I know that I will have some alone time in the evenings after the kids are in bed.

 

On the other hand, I feel jealous that he's off for an extended time without any responsibilities except to drive safely. The day before he left for NY to visit his friend, I went grocery shopping while he stayed here with the kids and I ran some errands while I was at it then treated myself to an iced latte. Three hours later I was back and he said (not in a nasty way, but a slightly perturbed way) "Wow, that was a long shopping trip." I said, quite sweetly, "Well, you'll have your three days so I took my three hours." I thought at that point that he "got it" but I guess not because last night it all blew up and he had no clue how I was feeling.

 

He took off to run the dog and kids were on my case to an extreme (you're probably getting the feeling that they're monsters, but they're not--it's just that as the day wears on into evening they start to hit the wall as they get more and more tired from their day. Late afternoons really are the hardest part of my day with them). When he didn't come back and didn't come back and didn't come back, I knew he had found a neighbor to chat with. "Lucky," I thought, "He's wiling away the time, letting the dog romp with the neighbor's dog, talking, maybe having a beer, and I don't get a break until they're in bed." I wanted to be able to just wander off without having to worry about who's taking care of the kids, too.

 

I don't want this every day, but once a week or every two weeks would help me to decompress. I've always been afraid to approach my husband with the idea of me taking off for a day or two, go camping with a girlfriend, whatever, because he tends to give me a little bit of a hard time when I schedule myself for RN shifts on the weekends (not even every weekend, just one a month usually) because we have "too much to do around here" (i.e., I need for you to watch the kids while I finish the woodshed, etc.) or "weekends are family time".

 

Last night I just blew up. I told him that I would like some of the freedom from responsibility that he has, that I'm in sensory overload and need to spend some time by myself. He said, "Well, why haven't you asked?" I told him why not and then said that it would have felt more nurturing if he had recognized my stress (he doesn't even have to recognize it all by himself because I tell him when I've had a stressful day) and suggested that I get away, go to Barnes and Noble, go to my sister's, go to Starbucks, whatever. I told him I don't want to have to ask for things that nurture me and make me feel cared for.

 

Am I nuts? Everything I read says that when a woman gets upset by her husband it's because he doesn't recognize that she wants to spend more time with him. That's not me--is that wrong? I want to spend more time with ME. I need this to not feel like I'm going insane.

 

Oh, and then this morning he was all glum and quiet because he decided that what I had said the evening before meant that I was unhappy in our marriage and wanted out. He does this every time I come to him with something I want to iron out and so I know to always say, "I'm happy--this has nothing to do with the marriage." Still, we had an even bigger blow-up this morning because I was so frustrated that he just didn't seem to get it.

 

Sorry for the novel. I really needed to vent...

 

Heather

[norajane]

Could you print out what you just wrote and give it to him to read...while you're there and holding his hand or touching him? I think he really doesn't understand and if you really want a change, you have to help him understand. Of course you'd rather he just see that you need some more adult-time, but guys are dense a lot of times and if they aren't told there's a problem, they don't know it needs attention. He's also being very sensitive about this because you allowed the situation to get to a boiling point rather than addressing it every time it comes up.

 

Maybe you could also pose a few suggestions on how to make things better for yourself. What about hiring a babysitter for at least one night a week so that the two of you can go out and have an adult dinner together? Or for the weekend so both of you can get away from the kids? You could also hire a mother's helper (college students are great for this!) who can be with you a few afternoons a week to keep the kids occupied while you work on dinner or have a few hours to rest?

 

With men, you really need to outline the problem and ask them to help you figure out how to fix it. They aren't mind readers!

[marriedwithtwo]

Men are not good at picking up on stuff. You even said in your post "I try to have a smile and kiss for him at the door". How is he supposed to know you are stressed? I'm not saying in the LEAST that he is blameless, however men need to be told in no unclear terms how you are feeling. Assume he is a dolt when it comes to "picking up" on things.

 

Now you have EVERY right to want and need a break (with the kids and all). What I am suggesting is that "blowing up" at him may not be the right thing. That may now open to door to lots of talking, but you need to tell him how you are feeling, instead of bottling it up until you explode.

 

It sounds like the communication you have with your husband is not the most effective. I'm not surprised he shut down this morning. If my wife blew up at me and I had no idea she felt this way all along, I would feel upset that she did not share with me before now, ashamed that I did not recognize it, and upset that she yelled at me. I suggest a calm, loving discussion is due, on how both of your needs are to be met in the whole relationship.

 

BTW - sarcasm and beating around the bush is very frustrating for men (well it certainly is for me). ("boy you sure were gone a looong time"). It would be have been better if you would have said something along the lines of:

 

"I'm a bit bothered that you were gone so long when I was here with the kids. I need a bit more free time on my own. Can you tell me when you can take the kids for a few hours so I can get a break?" If he responds negative to that, there is something else going on.

 

Read the Mars Venus book. There are chapters in there on how to ask for what you want, and how men need very clear and concise communication because we are pretty dumb sometimes. I found it refreshing to think my wife my use the verbage suggested in the book to ask for what she wants.

[Mz. Pixie]

You've gotten some great advice.

 

I'd also add that the two of you do need time to reconnect as a couple as well.

 

Can you afford a sitter every once in a while? If so please avail yourself.

One day the kids will be gone and the two of you will be sitting there looking at each other not knowing each other if you don't work on it.

 

You're allowed to need some time to yourself.

 

I read a great book about seasons in life. The woman was a mother of five kids under 10. They sometimes rented a hotel to get some SLEEP, not for sex. She said she remembered being in the basement with a pillow over her head so as not to hear her child crying. His dad was helping her get a nights sleep and the child was sick- so it was his turn. She said she found it helpful to remember she was in her season of toddlerhood.

It wouldn't always last and neither will yours.

[quankanne]

also look into programs like Mother's Day Out or even day camps or even switching off childcare with another parent for a couple of hours per week so that you can get some alone time. It's not wrong to want or demand it – heck, from watching my sister and my girlfriends, I'd say it's NECESSARY to have that time for yourself – but you need to make this known. Otherwise your spouse isn't going to figure it out for himself because he's not another woman who can read the situation and your needs ...

[Becoming]

I earned a PhD and staying home with two children all day was much harder. I remember staying up late when they were little just to have quiet to calm myself.

 

You want your H to care for you without you having to tell him what you need. Is that about it? Is that fair?

 

Tell him what you need. And letting him go off on his own for a weekend means you get one in return. Tell him that and expect it. Don't be guilted into caving into his wants at the expense of your needs. Because one day, you will blow, and it will not be pretty.

 

Be calm and rational: i.e. "So let me get this straight. You can go off for three days, and if I'm gone three hours you're upset? What's wrong with this picture?

 

I, too, am concerned about your marriage. It sounds like you could care less that he's gone because "you just want time alone." Could it be he feels shut out?

 

This is not to say that your desire for time alone isn't good! It is! In fact, it's necessary or you're gonna go bonkers. You can only watch so much of Big Bird and play so many games of Candyland before you begin to understand why postal workers go postal. I fear this may happen to you if you keep putting on your happy face and saying all is well when underneath you're seething--for good reason.

[Outcast]

And I've discovered that I'm not a dog person because I can't stand how needy dogs are

 

I'm with you on that. However I'm not with you on your complaints.

 

You are doing the exact thing that drives a lot of men NUTS about women - with good reason. You act one way, feel another, and expect your husband to behave not according to your actions but to somehow read your mind and divine magically that your actions don't match how you feel. And then get mad at him because he doesn't!!!!!! It's completely unfair.

 

It is a female trait to anticipate needs. It's how we're built. It's our jobs and we're damn good at it. Men not so much. Some are, but it's not built in them the way it is us. They haven't the intuition we have, either. They go on basic information - what we tell them and what we do. So to SAY you're happy with him going away and to MEAN something totally different and be mad that he doesn't read your mind is just not fair. It's like being mad at the blind guy because he can't see your new dress!!!

 

I said, quite sweetly, "Well, you'll have your three days so I took my three hours." I thought at that point that he "got it" but I guess not because last night it all blew up and he had no clue how I was feeling.

 

And how exactly was he to get this 'clue' when a mildly sarcastic remark coming on top of NEVER asking for free time is the only 'clue' you give. It's too subtle. You'll always hear men tell you that they aren't good at discerning subtle. That, too, is a female trait.

 

He said, "Well, why haven't you asked?" I told him why not and then said that it would have felt more nurturing if he had recognized my stress

 

So you just told him that to make you really happy, he'd have to be female and think like one.

Am I nuts?

 

Not nuts, but deeply unfair.

 

Everything I read says that when a woman gets upset by her husband it's because he doesn't recognize that she wants to spend more time with him.

 

No. Very often when women get upset with their husbands it's because they won't ask their husbands for what they want and then are furious because the men never learned to read their minds.

because I was so frustrated that he just didn't seem to get it.

 

Again, it's unfair to be frustrated that he's not got a female brain. It is absolutely not fair to set up an 'if you really loved me, you'd KNOW everything I think/want/feel' test because exceedingly few men can pass it. And, for that matter, the same goes both ways. You must ask for what you want.

Absolutely read Mars and Venus. John Gray spills about how the male brain works and it's very valuable information.

 

For now, quit wanting the blind guy to see. He can't, and your being mad at him for not being able to is simply not fair.

[Walk]

I think I would've said it a little differntly then Outcast just did.. but those were my basic thoughts while reading your post.

 

You need to sit down with a plan, concrete and clear idea of when you get "you" time, and what hubby will do to support you in this. I think you're hubby has no idea what to do. Probably the thought of doing your job for three days straight scares the daylights out of him. Plus, he's probably frustrated because he feels like he let you down because you're unhappy. He might not really understand what he can do to help, or what would make you happy. Frustrated that he feels you didn't talk to him sooner about this, and frustrated that you didn't suggest/ask for some time before it got to this point. And scared that you'll leave because your so unhappy now.

 

Ask for what you need. It doesnt' mean he doesnt' love you. I would bet he would be happy to help you have more 'you' time. But he doesn't know when those times may be. He see's you busy, and maybe a little stressed, but you tell him it's okay if he takes the dog for a walk. He's asking point blank. He was expecting you to do the same.

 

He may need a little reassurance that you are going to come home afterward though. That you do still want to be there. He might be reacting so strongly right now because he fears that the problem has gotten too big now. He fears losing you.

 

Seriously, if you want 3 hours at the books store, then be upfront and honest about it. My thought regarding the extended grocery shopping wasn't really that you took an hour for yourself, only that he expected you back earlier. But if you had said, "I'm going to take an hour to decompress after shopping, I'll be home around X time." I would bet he wouldn't have a problem with it. I think it was just the expectation of you being home earlier, and then starting to worry something was wrong when you didn't show. It wasn't long enough to freak out about, but enough that he wondered if you'd had a problem and needed help. Wouldn't you feel that way? If it always took him two hours to do the shopping, but then he was gone for 3 or four hours? Worried enough to make a comment about it. He dropped it when you said you took the time for youself. He didn't connect it to anything else. You took some time after shopping... He'd been kind of worried, you explained yourself, end of story. No sudden epiphony on his part regarding the huge pit of unhappiness inside you. It wasn't a cryptic message in his mind... Just a statement of fact. You took some time to yourself. End.

 

I understand your frustration with this. Wanting him to understand and be able to anticipate prior to you coming to him with a problem. You feel like you drop enough hints and comments. But men don't work that way, or very seldom do they. Look at their style of communication. He says he's taking the dog for a walk. He doesn't get home and hint that the dog looks unexercised. Make comments about the dogs weight. He point blank says, this is what I'm going to do. Or he asks "This is what I want to do, are you okay with that?"

 

Talk to him in his language. If you need something, tell him. And if you consistently have things you enjoy (like the bookstore), after a while he will start suggesting you go, or asking if you want to. But first you have to reinforce that those are things you need or want, and ask for them when you need them.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm with you on that. However I'm not with you on your complaints.

 

You are doing the exact thing that drives a lot of men NUTS about women - with good reason. You act one way, feel another, and expect your husband to behave not according to your actions but to somehow read your mind and divine magically that your actions don't match how you feel. And then get mad at him because he doesn't!!!!!! It's completely unfair.

 

It is a female trait to anticipate needs. It's how we're built. It's our jobs and we're damn good at it. Men not so much. Some are, but it's not built in them the way it is us. They haven't the intuition we have, either. They go on basic information - what we tell them and what we do. So to SAY you're happy with him going away and to MEAN something totally different and be mad that he doesn't read your mind is just not fair. It's like being mad at the blind guy because he can't see your new dress!!!

 

 

 

And how exactly was he to get this 'clue' when a mildly sarcastic remark coming on top of NEVER asking for free time is the only 'clue' you give. It's too subtle. You'll always hear men tell you that they aren't good at discerning subtle. That, too, is a female trait.

 

 

 

So you just told him that to make you really happy, he'd have to be female and think like one.

 

 

Not nuts, but deeply unfair.

 

 

 

No. Very often when women get upset with their husbands it's because they won't ask their husbands for what they want and then are furious because the men never learned to read their minds.

 

 

Again, it's unfair to be frustrated that he's not got a female brain. It is absolutely not fair to set up an 'if you really loved me, you'd KNOW everything I think/want/feel' test because exceedingly few men can pass it. And, for that matter, the same goes both ways. You must ask for what you want.

Absolutely read Mars and Venus. John Gray spills about how the male brain works and it's very valuable information.

 

For now, quit wanting the blind guy to see. He can't, and your being mad at him for not being able to is simply not fair.

 

This is a great post!!!

 

It's true though. You know, it's like housework. I hear so many women complain that their husbands don't notice that the laundry needs to be done or that the furniture needs dusting. They just do not notice it like we do!! Sure, there are a FEW who do and who are anal about it but for the most part- they don't notice it like we do. Their standards are also different.

 

I discovered that if I leave my husband a small note with a list on it, he'll get most if not all of it done. But if I don't leave one, he won't do much of anything!! Sure, in theory, he should see the things like I do, but in reality he doesn't so- do I want to be happy?? Do I want my house clean??? Yup, and if that means I have to leave him a list- then so be it.

 

You do have to ask for what you want. If not, you're not giving him a fair chance. It sounds like you're worried as being thought of as a nag- well to quote Dr. P "Hows that working for ya?"

[Outcast]

They just do not notice it like we do!!

 

Actual truth - studies done to prove it: men have more difficulty distinguishing field-to-ground stuff. Which is why they don't see the milk right there in the front of the fridge or the socks in the drawer. Different brains, we genders have

[Becoming]

And annoying as snot sometimes!

 

But really, Heather, we're not ragging on you. I suspect you also really want your H to want to spend time with you instead of dog and pals.

 

Show him the marriagebuilders.com site where they say that couples who stay together spend 15 yrs. of quality time together every week. Check out that site--especially the emotional needs questionaire. Each of you needs to do it and compare. It helps him get that relationships have to be worked at somewhat like a job--on a regular basis. Men honestly don't get that because traditionally women have done all that work, so they don't get it. They never learned. And that's just one more thing we have to teach them, even as they teach us how to be direct in asking for what it is we want and need.

[stoopid_guy]

You do have to ask for what you want. If not, you're not giving him a fair chance. It sounds like you're worried as being thought of as a nag- well to quote Dr. P "Hows that working for ya?"

 

And you're only nagging if you say it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and

[Trimmer]

Heather -

 

I can only echo the sentiments of those above... I totally understand your need to meet your needs... which in this case is time alone, time to relax, etc. But I also completely agree with the posters above - and it jumped out at me from your original post - that as valid as your needs are, if you expect him to not only meet those needs, but to be able to read your mind as to what they are, you've got a long wait ahead of you.

 

You are essentially where my marriage was about 4 years ago - right down to the ages of our kids. I now believe that my wife had needs that weren't getting recognized and met, but I also believe that we failed to communicate in any effective way about them. (Ironically though, in a kind of an opposite twist on your situation, one of the things I tried to do for her was to take a bigger share of kid care on myself so that she could have time to herself in their younger years, but ultimately found out that one of her complaints was that she thought this took me away from paying enough attention to her.)

 

So in the end, even though I was trying, I remained consistent in failing to meet her needs, and she remained consistent in her expectation that I should read her mind, and now each of us has 3 or 4 days a week alone without the kids, and a full 7 days a week without each other.

 

You may think it's an irritant now, and it 'isn't about your marriage' but it is about your life and your ability to function happily within your family, and ultimately, there's not such a sharp dividing line between your life and your family and your marriage, is there?

 

Figure a way to talk together, gently and supportively - and in concrete terms - about what your needs are of each other. He may well be open and responsive to learning what you need to function well, but part of getting that across may be riding a fine line - waking him up and letting him know how serious the situation is (it is "about" your marriage, actually) without totally scaring the hell out of him (it isn't about the "end" of your marriage.)

 

I can't know that you are exactly 'as we were', and I'm not meaning to be a doomsayer. What I think I see that gives me hope, though, is that you are at a place where you will still both care about making it work. I would have given anything to have had "the wake-up call" back at that point, instead of when it was too late. This is the time to start making it happen.

[Outcast]

spend 15 yrs. of quality time together every week

 

Interesting typo, there, Becoming!

[HeatherRC]

Thank you all for your thoughts, opinions, and suggestions. It has been several days since I posted and this is the first time I have checked back since that original post.

 

In the days since I "vented" I went and got Mars and Venus Together Forever, plus a couple of little fun "how well do you know your mate" books (one for him and one for her).

 

I also started asking around about sitters. We've always used one of four teenagers in our neighborhood, but three have moved away and the fourth has just graduated from high school, is working two jobs, and is moving to Maine for college in the fall. I talked with her today and she checked her work schedule for next week--she's coming over Monday to take the kids to the lake for a couple of hours. And today, my 16-yr-old brother-in-law got his license so I have him driving to our house next Wednesday to watch the kiddos for a few hours after lunch while I go escape somewhere. They both know that I will be looking for their help on an ongoing basis until school starts up again.

 

I guess I was expecting so much from my husband (as far as "reading my mind") because he is so much more sensitive and intuitive than most men I know. I just forgot that, despite this, he is still male. I will definitely work on adjusting my expectations and on being more communicative.

 

The kids and I have had a good couple of days. My daughter has been in Audubon day camp, which she loves, and my son seems to be coming out of his latest terror phase. He's almost completely back to the lovey I dearly missed. Things are looking up...

 

Heather

[Outcast]

Things are looking up...

 

So glad to hear it!