Update on "Am I obligated to sex with overweight husband"

[worriedsick]

Okay, I previously posted about my husband refusing to get back into shape, but still holding my body image at high standards. The thread got really long, but to make a long story short, he got fat but expects me to stay thin. After a really scary and awful conversation about how I didn't want to have sex with him because his lazy attitude as well as obesity turned me off, he said he was going to start going back to the gym and getting back in shape. Well, just recently we started discussing body image again. He told me that he really has no intentions of getting his body back into shape, because he feels he doesn't have the time, and he really doesn't care that much. I then told him fine, I guess if I want to let myself go and turn into a fat-ass, it should be totally acceptable. He made a face and said "Well, I'd still have sex with you because I do love you, but it would be gross". What kind of crap is this? Someone please tell me why he feels letting himself go is okay the idea of me getting out of shape is just unacceptable to him? Apparently, what I want in this relationship is no longer important!!!

[destination_unknown]

Maybe if he goes for long enough without getting any it will motivate him to get in shape? But its less about the cosmetic aspect than the fact that he seems to have stopped making an effort in the relationship. Does he treat you well in other ways like spending quality time together etc?

[worriedsick]

I've tried it in the past, not as a punishment, but simply because looking at him was disgusting and really turned me off, and in turn I refused to let him touch me. He does try to be a good husband, but he just doesn't see that his attitude that it's okay for him to look like crap because it shouldn't matter to me, really turns me off. When we had the conversation before and he started going back to the gym, our sex life improved, probably for a number of reasons:

1) He had more energy anyway from working out so when he came home from the gym, he was actually energetic instead of a fat, lazy couch potato.

2) My attitude changed because I felt like he really did still care how I felt in our marriage, which in turn helped me to look past the obesity and feel how I used to feel. It was sort of like I was biding my time until he got back into shape, but I could see a "light at the end of the tunnel", so to speak.

 

Now that he's told me he has no intentions of getting back into shape and is happy with his fat body and made it clear that I should get used to it, I have reverted into seeing him as a fat, lazy slob and no longer want to let him touch me again. I'm really pissed because I feel like he thinks it's my job to have sex with him because I'm his wife, but it's not. And just because he's denied sex doesn't mean he has the right to go out and cheat, as I'm sure some posters will say later. I'm not being fulfilled either, but I don't have any intentions to run out and cheat to get my sexual needs met. In my eyes, he either needs to realize that his lazy attitude turns me off and change his lazy attitude, or get used to a cellibate marriage, or file for divorce. I will not oblige him simply because I'm his wife, because he refuses to oblige me by trying to keep himself looking good for me. I do still love him and I will try to be the best wife I can, he just can't have my body unless I'm really, really, really in the mood for it and can overlook his body, I guess.

[tinktronik]

I would not oblige him eithewr worried, however he has told you that he has no intention of doing anything about his overweight status . This choice is up to you . You can divorce him , remain in a celibate marrige , or oblige him and be disgusted and unhappy that he does in fact not give a **** how you feel about this.

[Colombiana]

I think it's a shame that he criticizes you and he doesn't take care of himself. I feel for you- really a complicated situation.

Has he been to a doctor lately? Maybe a checkup with a professional telling him to get on the ball healthwise or he will suffer major consequences will change his point of view.

My ex, who was a proud and committed heavy smoker of 12 years, stopped after an MD put the fear of God in him - and he did it in 3 days!

[worriedsick]

I would not oblige him eithewr worried, however he has told you that he has no intention of doing anything about his overweight status . This choice is up to you . You can divorce him , remain in a celibate marrige , or oblige him and be disgusted and unhappy that he does in fact not give a **** how you feel about this.

 

I know those are my options, but it's hard for me to decide to divorce him because of this one issue when, really, all other aspects of our marriage are fine. Part of me keeps hoping he'll do something really bad so I feel like I'll be justified in divorce. I had gotten a glimmer of hope when he started going back to the gym and watching what he ate, but not it's all been shattered. It just really sucks that it has come down to this.

[whichwayisup]

If you don't resolve this issue soon, your marriage is heading down the tubes, faster than you think.

 

He needs to get help, not only with his weight, but his self confidence. He needs to talk to someone as I think part of his problem is depression. He is procrastinating and that is controlling what "needs" to be done, meaning, taking better care of himself, healthwise. Both physically and mentally.

 

I don't know how to get someone to a DR if they refuse to go.

 

Can you talk to the whole family and get them involved? Maybe his friends too? They can get him out of the house, go walking, or jogging. Play sports. Atleast that's a start.

[worriedsick]

If you don't resolve this issue soon, your marriage is heading down the tubes, faster than you think.quote]

 

Unfortunately, I know that's true. What I picture happening is we'll stop having sex which will ultimately lead to divorce, whether it's because he is sex-deprived and cheats, or there's a huge wedge driven between us because of the lack fo sex. I guess I feel like I can't be to blame for it anymore because I've told him how I feel and he's basically told me my feelings are insignificant. So, if we get divorced it's because of his lack of action to resolve a situation that it completely within his control, not mine.

[blind_otter]

My family has been friends with another family for years. One of the sons is morbidly obese. He was always a bit heavy, but after his younger brother died he just became obese.

 

His GF left him because of this, recently. She begged him to get on a diet, start exercising. He wouldn't. She revised her request and just asked him to see a doctor and hear the recommendations. He refused. She bent over backwards and said that all he had to do was just start eating healthier, not even diet, but at least no soda or fast food, more fruits and veggies and fiber, less red meat. NOT that big of a deal, IMO, but he STILL would not do anything.

 

She left him, she didn't want to be with him knowing that he would die young, and have such a difficult life, knowingly doing this to himself. Knowing there was an alternative. I say it was well within her rights to do this.

 

If he doesn't respect himself and love himself enough to take care of himself, how can he expect you to believe that he respects and loves you?

 

Does he have family members that are also concerned about his weight?

[Yamaha]

I think your only option is to get him to realize that his obesity is harming his health. You can talk until your blue in the face about your lack of desire for him but he must want to change for himself. If he won't listen to you find a good friend of his or a family member and see if they can make him see what he is doing to himself. You must use reverse psychology to get him to see things your way.

[worriedsick]

I appreciate everyone's input. Unfortunately, I've tried everything and nothing works with him. His mother has even told him she's concerned about him, and it doesn't work. I have put up pictures of us when we were younger and he was in shape and mentioned how awesome he looks in them, and his usual response is "Yeah, too bad I don't look that way now. Oh well". His friends (being the really blunt men they are) have told him he's fat, and he just laughs it off (probably because they're all overweight as well, so it's like the pot calling the kettle black). I've told him he needs to watch it, because he's already got a little bit of elevated cholesterol. I guess he just doesn't care about my feelings or his appearance. As I said in the previous thread, when he and I were separated and planning on divorcing, he was in the gym all the time and looked really good. I realize that as long as I stay with him, he'll continue to be fat, but if we divorce, I know he'll be in the gym all the time and will look really good ASAP. I have come to the realization that how I feel about it really is irrelevent to him, and he'll only worry about his appearance if he has to worry about landing another woman because he realizes that to get the girls he thinks are hot, he has to look hot as well. I don't want to have to say "If you don't get in shape, I'm divorcing you", not only because I do love him, but also because it sounds disgusting and shallow and I can just imagine what all of our friends and family would think about the situation.

[bab]

Does he realize how stupid it will be if he lets his weight ruin your marriage? I completely understand your point of view on this, and I don't think that it is just his weight that is causing the problems in the marriage, but more importantly his lack of concern about your feelings that could ruin everything. It's just ridiculous that he can't see this. Can you make him see what his attitude is drawing closer and closer to costing him? Would you be willing to do every bit of excercise with him? I know you've tried before to change his mind, but if you also want to save this marriage, you've got to keep trying until you are blue in the face.

 

I can also see his side of this. When did love come with an ultimatium. He could be thinking, is that the kind of love that I'm willing to fight for?

 

Talk to him again. Listen to why he doesn't care about losing weight. If he feels like you are hearing his reasons, then he is more likely to be willing to talk about the possibility of losing the weight. Stress togetherness time. Talk about getting rid of cable and possibly TV all together. Offer to make him lunch and dinner every day. I understand that you don't feel like this should be your responsibility. But hey. Sometimes marriage is more like 90-10 then 50-50, and that's what you agreed to with your vows. Good luck.

[worriedsick]

Okay, so here is what I've come up with - on the days he goes to the gym or works out some other way, I'll reward him with sex. On the days that he doesn't go to the gym and wants sex, he'll be refused. Maybe then he'll start to associate working out with sex and will really get motivated. OMG, this sounds even crazier than it did in my head. It's completely insane that I have to resort to rewarding my husband the same way dogs get rewarded. But, maybe it'll work!

[a4a]

Okay, so here is what I've come up with - on the days he goes to the gym or works out some other way, I'll reward him with sex. On the days that he doesn't go to the gym and wants sex, he'll be refused. Maybe then he'll start to associate working out with sex and will really get motivated. OMG, this sounds even crazier than it did in my head. It's completely insane that I have to resort to rewarding my husband the same way dogs get rewarded. But, maybe it'll work!

 

 

It does work!

 

But don't give up the treats too easily..... increase your expectations of him little by little then reward him.

[norajane]

Okay, so here is what I've come up with - on the days he goes to the gym or works out some other way, I'll reward him with sex. On the days that he doesn't go to the gym and wants sex, he'll be refused. Maybe then he'll start to associate working out with sex and will really get motivated. OMG, this sounds even crazier than it did in my head. It's completely insane that I have to resort to rewarding my husband the same way dogs get rewarded. But, maybe it'll work!

 

Go out to the New York Times site and look up an article printed last week called "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage". Or just google the article name. It's not about weight, but you will see that you're on the right track about 'training' your husband as though her were an exotic animal...

[blind_otter]

Maybe you should organize an "intervention" with family members and friends with you to confront him about his health.

 

It could work. At this point, what could it hurt?

[Guest]

I say drop the subject with him. He knows how you feel on the matter, and even though you might be concerned about his health, it has to be his desicon if he wants to do anything about it. Why beat your head against the wall over and over agian to keep getting the same reaction from him.

[blind_otter]

I say drop the subject with him. He knows how you feel on the matter, and even though you might be concerned about his health, it has to be his desicon if he wants to do anything about it. Why beat your head against the wall over and over agian to keep getting the same reaction from him.

 

Maybe she wants to be married to someone that she actually wants to have sex with.

[almost-an-angel]

I don't get it. Maybe it's just me, but if it were a man on here complaining about his wife's weight the women would be sickened.

I personally have a husband who loves me more than anything in this world. He was in very good shape when we met and married. It only lasted a short time though. He has since gained almost 80 pounds since we met a little over 2 years ago. Blasting a man's ego is the worst thing that you could have done to begin with.

I have learned from once having been the overweight, that shame and punishment just don't work. Self esteem comes from oneself. If you wanted your husband to ever do anything about his weight, you should have gone about it differently. He knows he's gained weight. It's not that he doesn't care about you or your opinion. Have you ever been overweight? Do you know how he must feel inside? At some point HE will discover that it is hurting him. HE will take control of the situation. But as long as people are shaming him, it will never happen. It will only make him more depressed and less able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have supported my husband in all that he does. But it is HIS choice on what to do about HIS body. And I can happily say, that on his own, he woke up and realized just how much weight he had put on and decided to do something about it himself. I didn't push him or even mention it to him. He on his own has lost 20 pounds in 6 weeks. I do however encourage healthy eating at home, because I am healthy now.

I'm just so sad to see what you call a "good marriage" fall apart over something like this. Believe me, having been single for over 6 years I wouldn't trade my overweight husband for any stud in this world. Attraction is more than skin deep to me. Good luck to you both.

[Colombiana]

almost an angel.

[Guest]

Maybe she wants to be married to someone that she actually wants to have sex with.

 

 

 

I'm sure she does, but he already knows how she feels on the matter. Shes more than welcome to keep pushing the subject with him to see if she can get him to do whatever he needs to do. Might work, might not, so far its not. Even if she backs off from saying anything, it doesn't mean she doesn't love him or care for him, it just means shes tired of pushing an issue with him that only he can decide to change.

[sugarplum]

I then told him fine, I guess if I want to let myself go and turn into a fat-ass, it should be totally acceptable. He made a face and said "Well, I'd still have sex with you because I do love you, but it would be gross".

 

He is obviously a hypocrite. But a hypocrite with an ego. Unfortunately, for reasons I am unable to understand due to my female condition, a man's ego is sacred. It must be nurtured and stroked in order to get anything productive done. Approach this on a postive angle to get a different result. I have once proposed a contest to see who could lose X amount of pounds first - in order to be more healthy. H loves a good competition - especially if he can win and make his wife lose! I did not need to lose weight, but he did. This worked better than the time I called him Fat B*stard. Yeah, I really did that! He probably has not looked at himself, honestly, for a long time. I once read an article that said for every 10 pounds lost, a man gains 1/2 inch to his penis. I cut it out and tucked it in his wallet. I dont know how true this is, and surely there is a cut-off point for the inches gained somewhere, but a different approach may help.

[blind_otter]

I once read an article that said for every 10 pounds lost, a man gains 1/2 inch to his penis. I cut it out and tucked it in his wallet. I dont know how true this is, and surely there is a cut-off point for the inches gained somewhere, but a different approach may help.

 

It is true that the penis "shrinks" when a man becomes overweight. It has to do with the kegel muscle, I think. The one they use to, er, make it throb or move around and whatnot. I knew a guy in HS would could balance a book on his wang-bulge and move it up and down. Ah, memories. But I digress.

 

When the dude gets a gut, it actually kind of creates this couterweight that pulls the muscle up into their abdomen, creating the illusion of a shorter weenis. When the lose the gut, it appears as if the weenis increases in length, but actually they just make the counterweight lighter so it doesn't pull the weenis back in as much.

 

I'm just sayiN!

[alphamale]

It is true that the penis "shrinks" when a man becomes overweight. It has to do with the kegel muscle, I think. The one they use to, er, make it throb or move around and whatnot. I knew a guy in HS would could balance a book on his wang-bulge and move it up and down. Ah, memories. But I digress.

So do fat chicks have looser vaginas?

[blind_otter]

So do fat chicks have looser vaginas?

 

Nope. Women don't have the thing that projects from their body, AFAIK.