LaraV Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I want to, but she;s going to hate me for doing it. her mom and I get along really well, and she was one of the only people that saw how much we loved each other. I've wanted to tell her, but I said that I wouldn't. I don't want her to hate me for telling her mom...im so confused. OK, I'm working from the assumption that you are just as young as this girl, so I now understand the extent of your frustration and the fear of doing what is right. If you really want advice, let's try and work together through the many factors involved. I do not mean to trivialize your predicament, or sound pretentious by the simple fact that I am many, many years older than you are. I remember being that young, and I know the pain and tribulations of the heart can feel just as bad at my age as when I was your age. My main concern right now is how young you both sound - running away at 16 with a college man is not a light matter, and deserves serious attention. The legal aspects aside, I'm putting myself in this young girls' parents' shoes and I perceive a very unpleasant situation if things develop further. So, what I'm going to ask you to do is no neither dramatize or trivialize any of the facts. So tell me this: How did she meet this man? And to the best of your ability, tell me in all honesty, is the possibility that she'll "run away" with this man a very REAL possibility, or is she (or you) just dramatizing the situation as it were?
Author unfinite Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 OK, I'm working from the assumption that you are just as young as this girl, so I now understand the extent of your frustration and the fear of doing what is right. If you really want advice, let's try and work together through the many factors involved. I do not mean to trivialize your predicament, or sound pretentious by the simple fact that I am many, many years older than you are. I remember being that young, and I know the pain and tribulations of the heart can feel just as bad at my age as when I was your age. My main concern right now is how young you both sound - running away at 16 with a college man is not a light matter, and deserves serious attention. The legal aspects aside, I'm putting myself in this young girls' parents' shoes and I perceive a very unpleasant situation if things develop further. So, what I'm going to ask you to do is no neither dramatize or trivialize any of the facts. So tell me this: How did she meet this man? And to the best of your ability, tell me in all honesty, is the possibility that she'll "run away" with this man a very REAL possibility, or is she (or you) just dramatizing the situation as it were? I'm 18...He's older than me...almost 20 He was one of my best friends, so I know him pretty well...I thought I knew him enough to believe him that he wouldnt try anything with her while I was away. But he promissed and broke it just as quickly. She really, truly wants to go with him when he goes back to school...and she is probably going to end up spending her college money so that she can afford to live on her own. I have already tried to talk her out of it..we both still trust each other a lot...thats why she told me...I think I will tell her mom. I dont think it will hurt mine and her friendship too much, we've gone threw worse I think...I'll talk to her mom tonight.
Tony T Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Everyone is so quick to say "Let her go" "NC" "You will be happier this way". Why cant anyone ever give something more than a generic answer. If you truly love someone and want them back, hearing "Let them go, they dont deserve you" is not what you want to hear. Is there no one that can give an actual solution to a problem, or does everyone just compromise? Who else feels this way? Im sick of sitting around and doing nothing about my problems. If you only want to hear what you want to hear, you ought to just talk to yourself in the mirror. If a woman tells you she doesn't want to see you anymore, even if you get back with her chances are you'll pay a very big price in the future for doing so. I've seen it happen that way time after time. If you have respect for the person you love and they no longer want you around...you move on. No other answer to that one!
LaraV Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I'm 18...He's older than me...almost 20 He was one of my best friends, so I know him pretty well...I thought I knew him enough to believe him that he wouldnt try anything with her while I was away. But he promissed and broke it just as quickly. She really, truly wants to go with him when he goes back to school...and she is probably going to end up spending her college money so that she can afford to live on her own. I have already tried to talk her out of it..we both still trust each other a lot...thats why she told me...I think I will tell her mom. I dont think it will hurt mine and her friendship too much, we've gone threw worse I think...I'll talk to her mom tonight. I think that is a wise decision. I know these things are complicated, but think that if you really love her, this is probably the best thing you can do for her - especially given her age. I know it's frustrating to not be able to do more, but I think, in time, you will come to understand that certain things are simply beyond our control. Good luck tonight! And once again, this is really the best thing to do.
Outcast Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 You have to tell her mom if for no other reason than if anything happened to her and you hadn't told her mom, you'd never forgive yourself. Of course your friend will be mad - people don't like it when their plans are messed up, but when it's this bad a plan, she'll just have to get mad. When she's older, she'll realize what a huge mistake this would have been and thank you.
Author unfinite Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 Well...I've told her. Her mom doesn't believe me yet that she would actually do this, but I assured her that this is no joke. She is going to talk to her, and I also told her that she should talk to the bf too. I know that it will be a lot easier for her to convince him to not take her, than it would be to convince my ex that this isn't a good idea. I'm praying that this works out, and I'm glad that I got it done before they started looking for appartments...they were going to start looking at the start of August. :S Im really looking on the bright side here...I think things will work out unless she really resists and does something really stupid.
Author unfinite Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 This went really bad. Everything is going as bad as it possibly could. I told her mom. they talked about it. my ex refuses to stay. He mom tried to punish her for disobeying her. she said that she couldnt see him anymore and couldnt do anything. her mom also fdound out that my ex's brothers girlfriend, who is living with them, knew and didnt tell her, so she's kicking her out of the house. and her brother is going to go with her. and my ex is tring to find somewhere to live for the rest of the summer. and her mom is tellin gher boyfriend to leave so that the house can sell. and she's letting him take their son. and just f*ck. i cant breath. ive ruined so many people lives. the whole family is being destroyed and its all my fault. She says she's going to call the cops on me, get me a criminal record. and i know that's possible. and it will ruin my life because im 18 and it is always going to be there. I am so sorry for eveything ive done, and she's telling me to f*ck off. and just. I cant let this happen. I need to talk to the all. Im going to ruin the rest of my life by doing that, but at least I'll have a chance to save theirs. I cant live knowing i've done this. I dont know what to do. I am willing to risk everything so that this doesnt happen. this is so serious. i dont know what to do!!!!!
norajane Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 ive ruined so many people lives. No, sweets, you haven't ruined anyone's life. They are all responsible for their decisions and their actions. This really has nothing to do with you. She says she's going to call the cops on me, get me a criminal record. and i know that's possible. and it will ruin my life because im 18 and it is always going to be there. What is this criminal record you're talking about?
Author unfinite Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 What is this criminal record you're talking about? When we first broke up, I went over to her house to talk to her about it. She got really mad at me for making her upset and called the cops on me. They sent 2 cars and 4 cops. They talked to both of us and said that even though both of us don't want me having a criminal record, tey will have to take me to the station, I'd have to spend the day in lockup, I'd have to go to court, and I'd have a criminal record. The cops said they didnt want to do this but that if they are called to someones home for a domestic disturbance, no matter what someone has to be punished. For some strange reason they let me off with a warning, as long as I didn't talk to her, or see her anymore...very nice cops. She contacted me and said that she had been crying for the last 3 hours about what had happened. She didn't want me to get into so much trouble and was really sorry for doing this. She told me that the only way I would get in trouble with the cops was if I kept bugging her and she decided to call the cops on me again. We started being friends and I believed that I was in the clear from the cops. But now that this has happened, she told me that she hates me and is going to call the cops to say that I've been talking to her, so that I'm punished for telling her mom. I really believe that a cop would find this a stupid reason to ruin the rest of my life, but I know they would. No, sweets, you haven't ruined anyone's life. They are all responsible for their decisions and their actions. This really has nothing to do with you. I have ruined everyone's life. This is completely MY fault. I called her mom, I caused all this to happen. If I hadn't called, this would never have happened. I love her and her whole family. They mean so much to me and I can't just sit around and let this happen. I did this, and I know that it is up to them to decide what happens, but if eveyone is fighting with each other, they don't ever think. They just have to stop, calm down, realize what is happening and solve the problem. My ex never solves anything though. That's why she wants to leave in the first place..she has too many problems in this town that she has never done anything about and wants to just run away from them all. Her mom is trying to do what's best for her. I'm trying to do what's best for her. She doesnt co operate, she's really stubborn, and thinks it would be much easier to just move away and not have to deal with them. I could type for hours, if there is anything else you want to know, please just ask. I've f*ucked up so badly, and if I try to do anything about it, people just get worse. But I can't just sit here and do nothing, when something horrible that I caused is happening.
norajane Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I really believe that a cop would find this a stupid reason to ruin the rest of my life, but I know they would. (smile) I think the cops were tyring to put the fear of god in you...so both of you would stop wasting their time on a so-called domestic disturbance simply because your girlfriend was crying. They have better things to do, and trust me, they would have taken you in to the station had they thought there was any reason to. Your ex is a spoiled brat and they knew it. What is she going to tell them...ooooh, my ex talked to my mother and now I'm mad at him for ruining my life!!! Spoiled brat. Cops know better. You, however, do not, so are scared. I have ruined everyone's life. This is completely MY fault. I called her mom, I caused all this to happen. If I hadn't called, this would never have happened. This is simply not true. Play it out. If you had said nothing, your ex would have run away. The **** would have hit the fan at that point. Mom would have called the cops to find her daughter, bring her home and punish her or whatever. Her mom would have found out then that the brother's girlfriend knew and didn't say anything. Mom would have sent her packing then anyway. The stuff with mom's boyfriend and child and wanting to sell the house has absolutely nothing to do with this situation, nor with you. This is not your fault. Your ex is at fault for making her stupid plan in the first place. Brother's gf is at fault for keeping the secret. The other stuff, as I said, has nothing to do with this situation or you. You did the right thing, though it was very hard. You should feel proud of yourself for averting a bigger disaster for your ex. Do not take so much responsibility for other people's lives and decisions. You really don't have as much control/power/affect as you are taking on yourself.
Outcast Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 She was going to leave anyway. And I don't think she can. As long as she's under 18, I think she can be made to stay. Whether or not you said anything, she would go. At this point, she'll have to live on her own and fend for herself and maybe think twice about this dumb plan of hers. And no, the police won't take you - you must have saved some messages from her to show that she contacted you.
Trimmer Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I think the cops were tyring to put the fear of god in you...so both of you would stop wasting their time on a so-called domestic disturbance simply because your girlfriend was crying. Yeah, with all due respect to our law enforcement professionals, this is a kind of a cop thing to do, especially with young folks. You can really scare the pants off them (maybe a bad analogy...) and really make them think with some rough talk. The whole idea of "no matter what, someone has to be punished...." gets you all freaked out (it did, didn't it?) Well, there's a little document stored under glass in Washington DC called the Constitution that has some things to say about due process, etc... And then they get to be the good guys (which they probably actually are...) by doing something really special just for you and "letting you off with a warning." And then you just think they are the greatest guys in the world to go to bat for you and bend the rules a little just this once and "let you off." Play it out. If you had said nothing, your ex would have run away. The **** would have hit the fan at that point. I completely agree, and as a matter of fact, things would likely have been worse than they are now. You made some difficult decisions, and you acted like an adult. The consequences for the people involved are caused by their decisions, not by you. Now that you're entering the club, here are some secrets of adulthood: you can't control anyone else, and you aren't responsible for their consequences (until things become even more complicated when you become a parent - but hold off on that one for a while, OK?) And often problems don't have "solutions" that just make them go away, but rather you have to make decisions about the path you will take through them. Somewhere tonight, a mother knows that even though her world has become more complicated, and her path forward a little more difficult, at least one person had the guts to step up and help her out.
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