unfinite Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Everyone is so quick to say "Let her go" "NC" "You will be happier this way". Why cant anyone ever give something more than a generic answer. If you truly love someone and want them back, hearing "Let them go, they dont deserve you" is not what you want to hear. Is there no one that can give an actual solution to a problem, or does everyone just compromise? Who else feels this way? Im sick of sitting around and doing nothing about my problems.
tinktronik Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Everyone is so quick to say "Let her go" "NC" "You will be happier this way". Why cant anyone ever give something more than a generic answer. If you truly love someone and want them back, hearing "Let them go, they dont deserve you" is not what you want to hear. Is there no one that can give an actual solution to a problem, or does everyone just compromise? Who else feels this way? Im sick of sitting around and doing nothing about my problems. What is it that you want to do about your problems?
Author unfinite Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 What is it that you want to do about your problems? Solve them.
tinktronik Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Solve them. So your g/f or b/f left you and you want advice to do something other that not talk to them for a while . What is it that YOU have in mind to do about the situation?
KittenMoon Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Solve them. What do you want? Do you want her back? Do you want to be over her? Do you want to just be her friend? Do you want revenge? Be specific about the problem you want to solve.
typical Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I have never been a fan of no contact but sometimes, there is nothing left to do.....if she/he doesnt want you, you cant force them to want you again....well you can, and it might be a temorary fix but then you will find yourself with more problems that cant be solved right away, like a jail sentence.
Author unfinite Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 So your g/f or b/f left you and you want advice to do something other that not talk to them for a while . What is it that YOU have in mind to do about the situation? I don't know, thats why I've been asking for advice. But everyone has the same answer and it is not what is going to help. I need to act before she ruins her life, she means too much to me.
tinktronik Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I don't know, thats why I've been asking for advice. But everyone has the same answer and it is not what is going to help. I need to act before she ruins her life, she means too much to me. Do you think shes ruining her life by leaving you? Thats intensly egotisticql if it is indeed the case.
Author unfinite Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 What do you want? Do you want her back? Do you want to be over her? Do you want to just be her friend? Do you want revenge? Be specific about the problem you want to solve. I want her back..this isnt the thread I was talking about my relationship in, I just had to get out that there has to be an actual solution.
lindya Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Everyone is so quick to say "Let her go" "NC" "You will be happier this way". Why cant anyone ever give something more than a generic answer. Probably because the chances of a detailed, analytical answer being read and considered are relatively small. If you truly love someone and want them back, hearing "Let them go, they dont deserve you" is not what you want to hear. Is there no one that can give an actual solution to a problem, Got it in one. I hope nobody comes here expecting all sorts of magical solutions from other people who are, when it comes down to it, just struggling through life for the answers themselves. or does everyone just compromise? No - some people never learn to compromise. Who else feels this way? Im sick of sitting around and doing nothing about my problems. So what are your thoughts? What positive action could you start taking?
Author unfinite Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 Do you think shes ruining her life by leaving you? Thats intensly egotisticql if it is indeed the case. She is planning on running away from all her problems, moving to a new town, with a guy she just met, and hardly knows. Leaving her dying dad and her loving family, who she wasnt very close to untill we started going out.
jmars Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Well, I think that the voice of experience suggests the NC and letting go is, either way, the best solution to these situations. In life there are many situations that you cannot control. The one thing that you can control is yourself and your reactions. If you truly want to solve your problems, you must start with yourself. Maybe NC and letting go will bring the other back, maybe not. Clinging to them and false hope, on the otherhand, is sure to drive them away and cause a lose of respect and self-respect. However, by focusing on yourself and getting on with life "as if" the other is not going to come back to you, you place yourself in a position of strength, which, however things work out, leaves you on strong(er) footing than you'd otherwise be. And incidently, it is precisely a good and true friend that will tell you the truth, no matter how uncomfortable or how hard to swallow it might be. False friends on the other hand will constantly tell you only what you want to hear, and always be more than willing to leave you in the dark as to the truth of any matter. It is how they disempower a person and keep them isolated and alienated, and playing the role of the fool.
tinktronik Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 She is planning on running away from all her problems, moving to a new town, with a guy she just met, and hardly knows. Leaving her dying dad and her loving family, who she wasnt very close to untill we started going out. Sometimes people have to make descisions like hers in order to grow. But what does any of the choices shes making have to do with you?
KittenMoon Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I don't know, thats why I've been asking for advice. But everyone has the same answer and it is not what is going to help. I need to act before she ruins her life, she means too much to me. Well you can: a) tell her that she's ruining her life and she means too much for you to let her (I can't imagine a positive response to this, at least not a long-lived one) or b) realize you can't make anyone else's decisions for them and deal with the fact that you might just need to sit and watch her ruin her life, if that's truly the case. Also, realize it's selfish to believe someone else needs you to champion for them- people need support in relationships, not knights in shining armor who are all encompassing problem solvers.
Author unfinite Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 Sometimes people have to make descisions like hers in order to grow. But what does any of the choices shes making have to do with you? I love her, and I can't have her hurt.
tinktronik Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I love her, and I can't have her hurt. Your not getting it, you can not make her descisions for her . If she wants to hurt herself there is nothing you can do to stop her , lawfully . NC is the option you would do best to take .
Author unfinite Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 Well you can: a) tell her that she's ruining her life and she means too much for you to let her (I can't imagine a positive response to this, at least not a long-lived one) or b) realize you can't make anyone else's decisions for them and deal with the fact that you might just need to sit and watch her ruin her life, if that's truly the case. Also, realize it's selfish to believe someone else needs you to champion for them- people need support in relationships, not knights in shining armor who are all encompassing problem solvers. I've treated her badly a few times in the relationship, and I learned so much about myself and relationships in the process. I had just started to be the best I could, when she decided to leave me for things ive done in the past. I regret so many things that ive done, but everything has made me a stronger person and I need a way of showing her that I can show my love, rather than letting her assume the wrong things.
tinktronik Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I've treated her badly a few times in the relationship, and I learned so much about myself and relationships in the process. I had just started to be the best I could, when she decided to leave me for things ive done in the past. I regret so many things that ive done, but everything has made me a stronger person and I need a way of showing her that I can show my love, rather than letting her assume the wrong things. It sounds as if she based her descisions on your actions and made a choice for herself.Now that she has , you want to show her or prove to her that you don't act the way you have already acted . Obviously she feels she has made the best descision for her . You can let her know that you think she's making the wrong choices and that you love her and want her back . But if she says no , respect her choice and then go NC.
Author unfinite Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 Your not getting it, you can not make her descisions for her . If she wants to hurt herself there is nothing you can do to stop her , lawfully . NC is the option you would do best to take . I can't just stop talking to her, she's my best friend. I'm never happier then when I have a chance to talk to her. I want to be friends with her if I can't have her back but this will always be between us and limit us to what we can do. I'm sure her boyfriend would mind her spending time with me alone, but with one of his friends he wouldn't.
Author unfinite Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 It sounds as if she based her descisions on your actions and made a choice for herself.Now that she has , you want to show her or prove to her that you don't act the way you have already acted . Obviously she feels she has made the best descision for her . You can let her know that you think she's making the wrong choices and that you love her and want her back . But if she says no , respect her choice and then go NC. She made a choice to leave the person I was months ago. I've always improved for her and when I finally do something truly special, she never gets to see it and leaves me. I had one week with her where I was really changed. It was the best week of my life, and she says that it was really good too. I went on a family vacation though and she went back to thinking I was the same person that screwed up on valentines day, or bought a motorcycle instead of spending the money on her.
LaraV Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Unfinite - The problem is that some problems just don't have solutions. Problems of the heart can be of this kind. It is SO frustrating precisely because there are no magic bullets. The anxiety and frustration you're experiencing comes from wanting to change another's actions. Unless she's under 18 and you're her parent, that is going to be very difficult to achieve. Moreover, it is going to be met with a lot of resistance on her part. I believe you have her best interests' at heart, but you cannot decide her life for her. I know it feels great to at least give it your all - to know that you tried every possible thing and sadly things didn't work out. The problem with implementing this is that the outcomes are not pretty. The more you push her to see your view of things, the more she will resent you. Everyone resents to hear something you don't want to hear. Look at how upset you are when you're not hearing the answers you want. Imagine now how she will feel when you keep telling her that she's messing up. You cannot live experiences for others. We all have to make our own mistakes and learn from them. Do not be so naive and arrogant to think that you have the "right" answers for others. You don't. No one does. If you want to do something for her, then just tell her your views, your opinions and let her decide for herself. This is not a matter of life and death. If she screws up then later down the road she'll know that - and no amount of your "solutions" will make her see that as when SHE realizes she's made mistakes. I know you care about her. I know she makes you happy. That's why this is hard. Accept the things you cannot change. It's not that we don't, or cannot, give you solutions. Is that there are none that provide the result you want because no one can control others' action. The best advice IS to let go because THAT YOU can control. We can only provide solutions to our lives, not to others'.
Author unfinite Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 Unfinite - The problem is that some problems just don't have solutions. Problems of the heart can be of this kind. It is SO frustrating precisely because there are no magic bullets. The anxiety and frustration you're experiencing comes from wanting to change another's actions. Unless she's under 18 and you're her parent, that is going to be very difficult to achieve. Moreover, it is going to be met with a lot of resistance on her part. I believe you have her best interests' at heart, but you cannot decide her life for her. I know it feels great to at least give it your all - to know that you tried every possible thing and sadly things didn't work out. The problem with implementing this is that the outcomes are not pretty. The more you push her to see your view of things, the more she will resent you. Everyone resents to hear something you don't want to hear. Look at how upset you are when you're not hearing the answers you want. Imagine now how she will feel when you keep telling her that she's messing up. You cannot live experiences for others. We all have to make our own mistakes and learn from them. Do not be so naive and arrogant to think that you have the "right" answers for others. You don't. No one does. If you want to do something for her, then just tell her your views, your opinions and let her decide for herself. This is not a matter of life and death. If she screws up then later down the road she'll know that - and no amount of your "solutions" will make her see that as when SHE realizes she's made mistakes. I know you care about her. I know she makes you happy. That's why this is hard. Accept the things you cannot change. It's not that we don't, or cannot, give you solutions. Is that there are none that provide the result you want because no one can control others' action. The best advice IS to let go because THAT YOU can control. We can only provide solutions to our lives, not to others'. Thank you, just one thing though...she is under 18...she's 16. And she has told me not to talk to her mom about her leaving, and I dont know what to do about that either...Her mom would never approve of her leaving to go live with a distructive, dirty, drunk college student with no future, but I cant tell her or else theyll fight...It's the right thing to do to tell her mom about her wanting to leave, but if it results in them having a fight, and her leaving anyways, its not worth it. But her mom deserves to know.
LaraV Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Thank you, just one thing though...she is under 18...she's 16. And she has told me not to talk to her mom about her leaving, and I dont know what to do about that either...Her mom would never approve of her leaving to go live with a distructive, dirty, drunk college student with no future, but I cant tell her or else theyll fight...It's the right thing to do to tell her mom about her wanting to leave, but if it results in them having a fight, and her leaving anyways, its not worth it. But her mom deserves to know. Ah, cr*p. Well this changes things. How do you kids get into these situations?! At 16 my biggest worry was my chemistry homework! OK, there IS a right solution in this case - if you are 100% certain she is considering running away with this man, then tell her mother IMMEDIATELY. If they have a fight over it, so be it. If you end up the bad guy in this case so be it. You are right: you need to tell her parents. Not only is this guy about to commit something illegal by taking her away, but she's just too young to know what she's doing. But that is the extent to which you should be involved. Her parents are the ones that need to deal with this situation. Do the "responsible" thing by making them aware of what their daughter is up to, but that's it from your part. You cannot do more than this. That my dear, IS the right solution to this problem.
Author unfinite Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 Ah, cr*p. Well this changes things. How do you kids get into these situations?! At 16 my biggest worry was my chemistry homework! OK, there IS a right solution in this case - if you are 100% certain she is considering running away with this man, then tell her mother IMMEDIATELY. If they have a fight over it, so be it. If you end up the bad guy in this case so be it. You are right: you need to tell her parents. Not only is this guy about to commit something illegal by taking her away, but she's just too young to know what she's doing. But that is the extent to which you should be involved. Her parents are the ones that need to deal with this situation. Do the "responsible" thing by making them aware of what their daughter is up to, but that's it from your part. You cannot do more than this. That my dear, IS the right solution to this problem. I want to, but she;s going to hate me for doing it. her mom and I get along really well, and she was one of the only people that saw how much we loved each other. I've wanted to tell her, but I said that I wouldn't. I don't want her to hate me for telling her mom...im so confused.
norajane Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I want to, but she;s going to hate me for doing it. her mom and I get along really well, and she was one of the only people that saw how much we loved each other. I've wanted to tell her, but I said that I wouldn't. I don't want her to hate me for telling her mom...im so confused. You are being selfish, then. If you truly had her best interests at heart as a friend, you wouldn't worry whether she would hate you. If you are so afraid she's going to ruin her life, you would do what it takes by telling her mother. You want to be her knight in shining armor and save her, but you don't want to do something that would definitely save her but would push her away from you. You started this thread complaining that no one ever gives advice on what you should do except for NC. Now that you have been given advice, you don't like the advice because it doesn't match up with you getting her back.
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