Guest Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I had a child with my MM. We are now X-ed out because once I had my son, the love I have for him didn't compare to anything else, much less a MM who has a wife, girlfriend, and three (that I know of) OW on the side. As soon as my son was born I literally fell out of love with my MM and haven't had any desire to go back (my son is five months old now). I want the best for this baby and am moving forward with my life. I've made new friends, have a new apartment, a job, and am starting school again in the fall. I loved MM with all of my heart, but as of today I haven't spoken to him in a month. I just honestly don't want him in my life. I don't want to know about his life, and I don't want him to know about mine. He won't give up though, and is calling my dad several times a week (I changed my phone number and address because he wouldn't leave me alone) and he even bought a plane ticket to fly down here (we live in different states) but I refused to see him. I'm just not sure how to handle the fact that he wants to see his son, and I don't want him in our life. MM really hurt me over the two years we were together, and I would blame myself if he broke my little baby's heart. I just don't know what to do. His name is not on the birth certificate, so technically, he has no rights. I don't receive any child support from him either. He's still with his wife (they have two kids, 11 and 7) and as far as I know, is planning on staying with her. I def. don't want her around my baby esp. since considering how she feels about me. Any ideas?
NightsDarkRose Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I personally think that for yourself, your doing the best thing. I admire the courage and the strength you have shown that you not only kept this child, but are being independent and not even taking child support. the love you have for your son is clearly the driving force behind all of your decisions, and i think you made the best idea to separate the child and yourself from what could only be a bad situation. However, one day your son will want to know about his dad, unless you marry someone else and that person raises him with you as his son, and even then, eventually, the truth that hes not his biological dad would come out. The other thing is, yes, this is YOUR child, and your the one who is the true parent in love and commitment, but this is his child too. If MM wants to see his son, or wishes to do right by this kid, your personal feelings shouldnt be involved, only whats best for the child. i would talk to MM first, see what his intentions are, and feel him out from there. even he wants no part of the childs life, at least you know that you did your best and your son can harbor no feelings of resentment that u didnt try to have his father be a part of his life....or if he just wants to lend financial support to accept responsibility, then you can decide whether you want to accept it or not. If he wishes to be part of the childs life however, i wouldnt close yourself off to the idea....only because as a child who wasnt raised with my father, i know the pain it can cause, and being raised by a single mother showed me what women are truly capable of, and the respect i have for her is all consuming, but i have many emotional issues due to the lack of a male figure in my life...that being said, i would just think on it. whatever you decide to do, i wish you nothing but the best, and i really cant say enough of the respect i have for you.
lovernotafighter Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 this is something I had in my head recently to because I was a month late on my period and I haven't slept with my husband because were are getting a divorce but living in the same house till it is sold. anyway I had deep fear when my home pregnancy test would not be conclusive and I made a appointment with the ob gyn. but I thought to myself if I was preggers I would keep the baby and tell MM to go pound salt. however, it also came to me if he wants to be a real part of his child's life can I really say no..it is his child..bottom line and though I knew it would be best for me can I really say my child doesn't deserve to know it's father? no I could not even if he was a lousy one.
Dangerously Close Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Yes, I think you should let him see the baby. No matter what your feelings for him, it is his child. Do you honestly believe that being fatherless is better for your child than never knowing him? At least give him a chance, if he doesn't follow through with the child, then ask him to leave you alone.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I don't think you're obligated to allow visitation. The MM has nothing to offer you or your child emotionally. If it were me.... I'd consider him as a sperm donor and treat him as such. If he wants to force the issue in court, that's his option of course. But I doubt he'll want to make such a public display if his wife doesn't know about all the cheating he's been doing. The bottom line is that when you do eventually meet a man who can be a decent father to your child, you're not going to want 'the sperm donor' coming between them.
Becoming Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 You obviously have good reasons for not wanting to see this guy, but what are they? You allude to the hurt he caused. Are you afraid he will only hurt the child in the end. Does he want to see the child or just get back in your pants and wants to make sure you don't leave him, that he is still in control of you, etc.? You could always threaten to expose the fact that he has another child by you to his W, which should cause him to back off. Your Dad could deliver that message if you don't want anything to do with him. If he really wants to do right by the child out of guilt or whatever, have him contribute cash to a mutual fund account that will pay for baby's college in the future. Socking it away now will let it grow toward a bright future. I suspect you may not want to take any $$ from him out of fear of being beholden to him, but he's the one with an obligation here, not you. Let him pay for something, then. That just evens things out. Why does he want to see you? And dear Lord, what does he do that he can have a W and 3-4 gfs on the side?
blind_otter Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I don't think you're obligated to allow visitation. The MM has nothing to offer you or your child emotionally. If it were me.... I'd consider him as a sperm donor and treat him as such. If he wants to force the issue in court, that's his option of course. But I doubt he'll want to make such a public display if his wife doesn't know about all the cheating he's been doing. The bottom line is that when you do eventually meet a man who can be a decent father to your child, you're not going to want 'the sperm donor' coming between them. I agree with LJ.
Guest Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I am afriad that he will hurt my child, and that's why I'm not sure what to do. MM made a lot of promises to me, and broke most of them. Even though in the end I left him, he broke my heart. If he hurts my baby, if he says, Daddy will be here this weekend, and doesn't show up, etc., etc., what is my son going to learn? That the people who are supposed to love you can't, won't or don't care about you? Also, his wife knows everything. She knows about me, and the baby. It didn't scare him away. He wanted to keep up both, plus the others as well. But I'm trying to do what's best for my baby. Does he need to see his father regularly (I think this is what MM wants, but I'm not positive since I'm on NC for 60 days (it's day 32)) or can he just know about him through stories and photos? MM is from Mexico and most likely will eventually go back. I thoguht about just calling him by his name (around my son) and having a few photos in the house, and then if MM wants to see him I wouldn't necessarily call him Daddy. Does that make sense or is it crazy? I think it's crazy. Can MM be a (small) part of my son's life without my son necessarily knowing he is his father? Of course eventually I will explain everything to him (once he is older, I think I'm pretty certain I don't want to hide it) but I'm really just thinking more about the now, you know? Like the next few years. In case I didn't mention, my son is 5 months old. So really, how to handle this during that phase of childhood where he doesn't quite understand what's going on. Without hurting him myself, or making it worse of course.
Becoming Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I can see why you don't want this guy in his life. Sounds like he's bad news that left a good deposit. Can you go it alone financially?
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