Rudy Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Hi all! I am a first time poster to this site but I have been keeping up with many of the threads for a while now. I just wanted to say that it has been a big help reading your advice and thought I would run my situation by you all in hopes you could provide me some input/support. My girlfriend broke up with me about 3 months ago after a year and a half relationship. We had a great relationship in that we built a friendship first that grew into much more. Over time I saw her become stressed and distant until finally one day she informed me that it was over. The stress came from her career that took it's toll on our relationship until finally she decided it could not be her career and us but instead, just her career. I took it hard as I never expected this. I supported her when she needed it, I gave her space when she needed it and she admitted that I treated her very well. I have been on strict NC with the exception of a couple of times that we have crossed paths. She told me that she did not want a relationship but rather a friendship. I agreed but have been surprised that she continues to remain very distant with the walls up and has not broken NC since we agreed to be friends. I have decided to continue NC and give her the space it seems she needs. While I feel we should be together, I am moving on especially with the mindset she is in now in. Basically the stress has affected her so much that she is a completly different person. My question is this....did she just want me to agree to a friendship to relieve her guilt? or does it sound like she is confused or is going through a period of time that she is not sure what she wants? Thanks to all!
LaraV Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 My question is this....did she just want me to agree to a friendship to relieve her guilt? or does it sound like she is confused or is going through a period of time that she is not sure what she wants? Thanks to all! Rudy - I think of all the situations I've read here, yours is probably the most similar to mine, and since they say it's easier to see things as they "really are" when you're an objective observer, maybe I can help you see some clarity, although we can never fully "know" the answer to our questions. First let me ask you some questions: Do you love her and did she know this? And did she love you and did you know this? When you say she became distant - what exactly do you mean by that? At the time of the break up, did she say what she wanted now from the relationship - as in, how did she define "friendship"? Is she the type of person that has problems making decisions - is she flaky?
Author Rudy Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 LaraV, thanks for your reply. To answer your questions, yes, we both expressed to each other how we felt. We were very close and enjoyed spending a lot of time together. When her stress level rose from her career, I was always the first thing she cut out of her life. That happened in a number of ways. The amount of time we spent together dropped down to nothing. Phone calls may have only lasted 5 minutes. The nice things she use to do for me ceased. Her whole demeanor change from being crazy about me to almost not wanting me around. When I tried to tell her what I was seeing and how it was affecting me, it only irritated her. At that point, I decided to give her space. When she decided to walk away, she told me she could not handle all that was going on in her life and basically decided that I was what she needed to get rid of. She told me that she still cared about me and that she valued our friendship. I told her that I did not agree with her decision to call it quits but I knew nothing I said or could do would change her mind. I agreed to be friends. During our talk, I got the feeling deep down that her words were saying one thing but her feeling may have been another. Now I am wondering if she wanted to be friends so bad, why is she continuing to be so distant. I do know that she did not leave me for someone else but rather because of her career. She is not the type of person that has problems making decisons nor is she flaky. I hope this answers your questions. Please let me know if you need more detail.
2020vision Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Your ex is a user...plain and simple. Congratulations for not being friends, it won't work. Obviously you have more feelings for her than she does for you. She wants to keep you like a puppet on string by trying to be your friend. And, this could also very well be to cure her guilt that she feels for dropping you. Whatever her feelings are, you need to really drop this. -2020
LaraV Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 LaraV, thanks for your reply. To answer your questions, yes, we both expressed to each other how we felt. We were very close and enjoyed spending a lot of time together. When her stress level rose from her career, I was always the first thing she cut out of her life. That happened in a number of ways. The amount of time we spent together dropped down to nothing. Phone calls may have only lasted 5 minutes. The nice things she use to do for me ceased. Her whole demeanor change from being crazy about me to almost not wanting me around. When I tried to tell her what I was seeing and how it was affecting me, it only irritated her. At that point, I decided to give her space. When she decided to walk away, she told me she could not handle all that was going on in her life and basically decided that I was what she needed to get rid of. She told me that she still cared about me and that she valued our friendship. I told her that I did not agree with her decision to call it quits but I knew nothing I said or could do would change her mind. I agreed to be friends. During our talk, I got the feeling deep down that her words were saying one thing but her feeling may have been another. Now I am wondering if she wanted to be friends so bad, why is she continuing to be so distant. I do know that she did not leave me for someone else but rather because of her career. She is not the type of person that has problems making decisons nor is she flaky. I hope this answers your questions. Please let me know if you need more detail. Hmm, this is hard one. It'd be much easier to say that she just doesn't know what she wants - because that leaves you the little bit of hope that maybe one day she will realize that she wants you! But if she is the kind of person that can make decisions (not that they're not hard, of course, just that she can make them and stick with them), then you have to consider the possibility that she gave this a lot of thought, and decided you were the one thing that had to go (sorry to put it so bluntly). Because you seem to say that you two loved each other, I'm sure it was not a very easy decision for her. After all, it IS hard to let go of someone you love. On some level I understand her desire to want to follow her career. I'm in a field that is filled with people striving to be successful at what they do, so I see this kind of personality ALL the time. On the one hand I understand it, because I used to be the same way. But a very serious illness changed all that, and now I don't see things the same way. A successful career is still very important to me, but it is definitely secondary to the relationships I keep - and not just with SOs, but with family, friends, etc. A job is only your job, and while it's great to love it, I find it faulty to make it your entire world. But a lot of people disagree with this. For them a career comes first, and I think it's not until later, when either something happens to change that view (as was my case), or they simply get older and realize that the company of people is just as enjoyable too, and very important to them too. Now, I know we could sit here and analyze every angle of everything and conclude that maybe she has commitment issues, is afraid of love, doesn't want to get hurt, etc. But I always think the simplest explanation is the one that has to be given more weight. The point is that between her career and you, she chose her career. THAT was more important than you for her. You have to come to terms with that, because once you do you can fully evaluate if you want to even have a friendship with someone that did not value you more than her job. It's a hard one to swallow. One that I myself am struggling with. But it is true what everyone says here on LS - if they really loved you, if you really were that important, you would not be broken up. They would go through hell and high water to make it work. She didn't. So yes, I believe that people - especially women - say things like "I want to be friends" to somehow ameliorate the guilt. The way she's avoiding you is also a big clue. True, it could be that she also understands that you two need time apart before building a friendship, and if that is the case then you have to just wait until she makes "meaningful" contact. But while you wait, and IF you want to wait, try to move on. I think you've been doing that pretty well. And while I know it doesn't help at all to hear this - there is someone out there who will put you first, or at least not bail on the relationship because of normal "life stresses." Who doesn't have stress in a job? It's not like she's going through some incredible ordeal. Now some people just can't handle stress - and maybe removing you from your life was the only way she could cope, and for all we know she still loves you and is just as miserable as you are. But if that is the case, so what? She's not with you! So what if she just can't get it together and is very stressed? She's not with you! If she doesn't know how to juggle the things that are important in her life, you still lose because she's not with you! All I'm saying is that whether or not people are making up excuses or they legitimately have commitment issues, the result is the same: they leave. You don't want that. You need someone who will stick around. Who will value you and will not want to lose you. I feel for you, Rudy. I'm going through the same thing, and my break up is a lot more recent than yours. It so hard to cope. But hang in there, and keep us updated on your situation. It really does help to write here and vent and rant, and question away. It's rather cathartic. I and many others are here to give each other support.
Author Rudy Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 I agree LaraV. Only she knows why she walked away. Only she knows what she is feeling right now. There are three sayings that I strongly believe in. 1) All things happen for a reason, 2) If it is meant to be, it will, 3) Don't worry about things you cannot control. If she reconsidered and wanted to reconcile, that would only be half the battle. It would take a long conversation to discuss wants, needs and expectations before committing again as I do not want to go through the pain that I felt once again. I never had a problem with her career being a higher priority than me. I wanted her to succeed. The problem was I was not a priority at all. I agree, if someone means so much to you, you will find a way to make it work through the tough times which in turn will make your relationship much stronger, not weaker. In my opinion, she took the easy way out which makes a very big statement. I have heard a lot of things from mutual friends, such as: She is confused, she is stressed out, she was afraid you may end the relationship first so she did it first and did not want to be hurt. But overall, they think she is crazy for letting me go and many want to set me up with other friends of theirs. Believe me, it does help to know that there is someone special out there that will appreciate me for who I am. I am so sorry you are going through the same thing. I would not wish the way I felt on my worst enemy. I can tell you is things get better with time.
LaraV Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I never had a problem with her career being a higher priority than me. I wanted her to succeed. The problem was I was not a priority at all. I agree, if someone means so much to you, you will find a way to make it work through the tough times which in turn will make your relationship much stronger, not weaker. In my opinion, she took the easy way out which makes a very big statement. Ah, yes. That is exactly how I felt. The slow and gradual realization that I was just not a priority at all is the most painful to endure and come to terms with. I envy (in a good way) you and a lot of people on this board who at least say there was mutual love at one point or another in the relationship. Mine was simply a case of unrequited love - totally one sided on my part. I stuck around in my relationship for more than a year, hopeful that he would fall for me at some point. He didn't. Too bad it took him a year to figure that one out. I'm only sorry I didn't make the decision for him sooner. I now realize I don't want to be anyone's "responsibility" or "burden." I don't want to ever be the object of someone else's ambivalence again. I think at this point what shocks me and hurts me the most is how I didn't value or respect myself enough to know better than to settle for the few crumbs of attention this man gave me. It's especially painful because I have, as some say, "a good head on my shoulders" and have in the past been a person that others loved, and loved well. I don't know why I put myself though this one. I'm working on forgiving myself for this transgression on myself. I'm glad to see you value yourself and have maintained equanimity in this situation. I can only imagine - now from personal experience - the pain experienced from having given so much and gotten so little. I bet you, like me, in a way feel exhausted from all of this. And you are right, this kind of pain I would not wish on my worst enemy.
Author Rudy Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 You know LaraV, I can help but think our SO's will one day realize they made a big mistake. It may very well be too late but that will only mean we have moved on to something/someone better. The thing that bothers me is if I treated her so well and this happened to me, how many more times do I have to go through this before I find the right one that appreciates it? And is the hurt worth it? I have been on the side where I did not give enough. Maybe this time I gave too much? I don't get it.....
LaraV Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 You know LaraV, I can help but think our SO's will one day realize they made a big mistake. It may very well be too late but that will only mean we have moved on to something/someone better. The thing that bothers me is if I treated her so well and this happened to me, how many more times do I have to go through this before I find the right one that appreciates it? And is the hurt worth it? I have been on the side where I did not give enough. Maybe this time I gave too much? I don't get it..... I've had these same questions. Maybe you'll understand this because it's been a bit too abstract for some of my friends to get: I sincerely gave this guy my very best. After two very long-term relationships, I finally thought I had it down. I was so good to this guy - like your ex he has a lot of ambition and career goals and I swear I gave him all the space he ever needed. I never played games with him, I gave him all my support, I was there whenever he needed me, etc. I don't know if that means we gave too much. I think it just means we gave what we wanted and what we were capable of giving. It's not that it was too much or not enough - it's that it just seems it's not what they wanted. I think there's a big difference there and it is so hard to figure that one out. Is the pain worth it? Hmm. For me, this one wasn't. The other two meaningful relationships I've had were ones in which, at some point, the two parties were on the same page. There was love, there was caring, there was a match in priorities in life and for other reasons things just didn't work out - but this one - man, it's like you said, the problem was that I just wasn't a priority at all. I mean, we were not even on the same page. We were on different books! I think if in your relationship you can at least look back on some moments where you were both on the same "wave length" then the pain is worth it. If there was mutual love, I think it was worth it.
Author Rudy Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 OH, I definately understand!!! I can't tell you how many times I replayed everything in my mind to try and figure out what I did wrong to cause her to react this way. I am not saying I was perfect by any means, but I have no idea where I went wrong to cause her to just throw me to the curb and walk away. I am not trying to sound conceded by making this statement but I would love to meet the guy that she thinks treats her better than I did. Maybe there is one but I can honestly say I gave her my best. Evidently my best was not good enough. I certainly understand when you say you though you had it down. How many relationships and how many lessons does it take to finally "perfect" it so to speak? I always hear how women want to be treated but yet when I have done so, it has always resulted in hurt and dissapointment. I don't get it. I certainly don't mean to direct that to all women. It just seems the ones I have been with react this way. Was the pain worth it with her? Yes, because she was so special to me but it makes it hard to open yourself up and throw yourself out there for another because who knows when you are going to have your heart broken again. I can say when her stress level was low, it was an amazing relationship but when it rose, I was completely shut out of her life. Hang in there LaraV. We are going to make it!!!!
Recommended Posts