and looking for or on breakup (Long, but detailed)- !

[Big D]

My girlfriend of 4 years (basically) broke up with me about 5 weeks ago out of nowhere.

 

A little background on her: We began dating when she was 16 and she’s now 20. I was her first ever boyfriend, first sexual experience, etc. She also comes from a family where her mom and dad had a messy divorce (they were HS sweethearts) and the mom is now married again but in another unhappy marriage. She is also one of my best friend’s sister and she is VERY close with my parents (even worked in the same office as my mom)

 

When we began dating, I had just gotten out of a relationship that I got burned badly on (cheating), so I was a bit hesitant to put myself out there, especially with such a young girl. At the beginning, there were some rough patches, but we spent the whole year together at school (my last year in HS) without much of a problem. Then when I went off to college and she was in HS, we had some problems with her being jealous and insecure because of me being in college, so I began to get annoyed with her and not make much of an effort to spend time with her. There were definite low moments during this 2 year stretch, but we always found our way back to great times when we were together, especially with holidays, vacations, etc.

 

Despite the low points, I never cheated or anything of the sort. I stayed with her because we had become best friends and I really liked her a whole lot. I was afraid to tell her I loved her until I was 100% sure (again going back to being burned in my previous 2 relationships)...and I know this hurt her, but I tried to tell her and show her I loved her without saying it. We spent the 3 years together, with ups and downs, but always enjoying being around each other. Well once she got to college, things suddenly changed. About a month after moving into the dorms, she broke up with me because she said I didn’t appreciate her and didn’t treat her well and only wanted to be with her since it was convenient. I was devastated.

 

We were apart for 2 months, with myself doing a lot of soul searching. I realized how much I truly did love her and that I had let my past 2 relationships affect how I treated her in the relationship. Despite the breakup, about two weeks later we began to talk and hang out as friends. At this point, I know her mom was telling her she needed to date other guys first because she’d never know, but it became very clear to me that she still had feelings for me, but would never commit.

 

I finally asked her what the deal was, and she told me she had hooked up with 2 guys right after our breakup because she was so mad at me and they made her feel good (no sex, just the guys touching her and making out, etc.) and that she wanted to be with me for so long, but felt terrible and guilty about it, even though she was free to do whatever. I was crushed by this because I hadn’t even looked at another girl when we were apart. However, I was able to put it behind me to the best of my ability and we got back together this past November (with her telling me she only wanted to get back together if she knew it was for good).

 

The next 7 months (I thought) were amazing. We spent tons of time together, always talking and enjoying each others company. I felt we had never been so close. She trusted me to turn to with every problem in her life (friends, family, school, work, etc.) and I was always there for her with everything. We went to Disneyland, kept with out Christmas and Valentines Day traditions, and began to make plans for next year with getting an apartment together. 9 days before we broke up was our 4 year anniversary and we had a great night out together with her saying we need to make plans for another double date with a friend sometime soon.

 

The night we broke up, she came over and we went to dinner, to Hollywood video to rent a movie and we were flirting and holding hands in the store. Got back to my house and we watched the movie and cuddled with little kisses here and there. After the movie, I tried to make a move on her to be intimate and she wasn’t interested. I asked her why she never wanted to be intimate with me (we had sex maybe once or twice a month- which didn’t bother me, but of course who wouldn’t want more). She then told me she’s been thinking lately and talking to her mom, and she’s starting to feel like she loves me as a best friend and that the ‘feelings’ have changed.

 

She’s mentioned before about not having the sparks there which after 4 years, is expected. I didn’t get them all the time, but I loved her through the bond we had as friends and everything. So she starts crying and asks if she can still stay the night over, and I told her no I couldn’t deal with that. So I walk her to her car as she’s bawling, and she’s holding me crying before we kiss and she drives off.

 

Now, as you can tell this totally blindsided me and I didn’t know what had happened. The next day she IMed me telling me she’s sorry and that time will heal all for us. I asked her if she ever saw us getting back together and she said that she used to see us together for good, but doesn’t right now though it could change, and to move on and see where our lives take us. I immediately began to think there was another guy (she recently got a new job), but I’ve come to find out through a mutual friend of ours that not only does she claim there isn’t another guy, but she doesn’t plan on dating anyone anytime soon and that she’d rather me meet someone new first because she doesn’t want to hurt me.

 

She also said she loved me as her best friend and the closest person in her life, but doesn’t think she’s in love with me. She then wrote an email to my parents shortly after our breakup (because of how close they were). She said that she knows we’ve broken up before but this one was different. That she knows she’ll never have feelings for anyone else like she did for me and that she’s always wanted to marry me, but doesn’t feel it anymore. She also mentioned that after we got back together, the feelings came back at first, but then went away.

 

She again mentioned loving me as a best friend and that she hopes she’ll get to see them again sometime in the future when she and I are in each others lives. So if she isn’t in love with me: A) Why would she tell me we BOTH need to move on and heal- wouldn’t she have already moved on & B) Why would she say she doesn’t want to date anyone else because of my feelings. Then with the “feelings” being gone- Could it be that she’s just in love with the idea of being in love and that with the honeymoon phase being over she’s too immature to realize that the next step in a relationship turns into the type of best friend love we had? Especially with the fact that after a 2 month separation they ‘came back for awhile’ but went away again.

 

I just don’t get it. She has to be aware that by breaking up with the boyfriend she is breaking up with the best friend. I don’t understand how she could just turn her back on me and toss me to the curb after 4 years of being so close when we didn’t have an issue of cheating, abuse, and lately she’s had been talking so much about the future (including 2 vacations for the summer).

 

It almost feels to me that she is forcing herself to do this because of the fact she’s never been with another else and the whole scenario of grass being greener on the other side. Any ideas?

[norajane]

She probably hasn't had enough life and love experience to know what she wants exactly, but she knows something doesn't feel right to her...she wants to feel something more.

 

She will miss your affection, of course. And that you have been such a huge part of her life for so long. That's why she also says she needs to move on and heal. She's not feeling heartbroken, if that's what you're asking/thinking; she has moved on. She wants you to start dating first so that she doesn't have to feel guilty about it if she meets someone.

[screamingoutlove]

My ex and I were together for about five years, and we had the "we need to talk" deal about a month ago. It was hard for me because this is actually our first ever break up in our relationship. Reason was, she felt like I didn't trust her and always played the question game with her everytime she went out with her buddies. My friends think she is going through a phase like she wants to experience new things and not feel guilty about it. She just barely turned 21, I'm four years older than her so I'm over that phase already. She started thinking about many things and she felt like she loved me like a best friend as well. I don't think she will ever come back because I have been placed in the friends section... Just wanted to see how you were doing and how things were progressing? I don't know if you feel the same as I do, but I feel like I can't be myself around another girl. But owell I guess time will tell, maybe she'll want me back, maybe I won't. Who knows. I'm doing the whole nc thing, but she contacts me all the time. Is it similar to your situation?