In Sync Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Yes indeed. Break-up are a bitch. When I read through posts here and recall how many I wrote analyzing and examining every step of my recovery I see in other posters' writings that same hope and despair I had suffered. And just as I was given advice and in turn have given advice on the process of healing, by maintaining NC or debating LC and offering words of comfort, it is clear that we all want the painful memory of our broken relationship to go away as quickly as possible. It occurred to me, that no matter how much we want to go back to what we had and never having experienced such turmoil...there's no way around it. We can write and write and do everything to try to undertsand what happened. To make sense of it all..but to feel whole again we each have to walk through the fire. There's no short-cut. There's no absolute time or trick. To get to the otherside of the pain of a broken heart you have walk through it the fire. Can't avoid it. Can't hide from it. Can't out wit. And after you do go through it, the next reality you face is...you won't be the same. You will be undoubtedly different. Maybe better. Maybe worse. But never ever the same.
alphamale Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 And after you do go through it, the next reality you face is...you won't be the same. You will be undoubtedly different. Maybe better. Maybe worse. But never ever the same. No, most of the time you're better. Mainly cause you've learned more about yourself.
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I'd like to think we all go through this coming out Stronger wiser and deeper. Your changed of course. But only the bitter people will come out worse. Others will come out feeling refreshed and ready for action hahaha Things don't get better until they get worse. And the hardest part is well walking through the fire. But if you look at it like that way than your bound to come out of it well feeling burnt? Jk
KittenMoon Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I don't know about this. People keep telling me that after adversity you come out better on the other side. I was driving a friend home the other night, and she said to me how much better I seemed than a few months ago. I told her I felt worse, and I do, I'm just hiding it better now. She gave me the "It will make you stronger" schtick as well, but admitted a few minutes later that she didn't really think the past bad times in her life had made her any stronger or better. So it makes me wonder whether we're ever really any better afterwards than we were before the pain. I'm not saying we're not, but that it make me wonder.
francis Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I think it depends if you monitor yourself and reflect inwards throughout the pain process, or tend to focus more on the external events that are out of your control. It is possible to spend so much time focussed on understanding the ex's behaviour and motivations, that you can become almost oblivious to how to monitor and understand your own behaviour. I will say that I feel sometimes overwhelmed by my ex and his actions and his decisions. I am not clear as to how to read myself right now, whether I am necessarily better or worse. Sometimes, I truly feel worse, because he has affected my confidence and my conviction in my own abilities, my desire to take risks and my fear of being alone. I feel equipped with the experience of having undergone such pain, and I hope I will have learned to control my emotions better next time. But every experience for me tends to be a fresh one, with new problems, because they will involve new people with a whole new psyche to contend with. People are complex.
LaraV Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I don't know about this. People keep telling me that after adversity you come out better on the other side. I was driving a friend home the other night, and she said to me how much better I seemed than a few months ago. I told her I felt worse, and I do, I'm just hiding it better now. She gave me the "It will make you stronger" schtick as well, but admitted a few minutes later that she didn't really think the past bad times in her life had made her any stronger or better. So it makes me wonder whether we're ever really any better afterwards than we were before the pain. I'm not saying we're not, but that it make me wonder. I agree with you on this one, KM. People keep telling me how well I've handled this whole thing, blah, blah, blah, how I look great, etc. And thing is I still feel like crap. I read somewhere in an article about coping with death that saying things like "you'll be fine, this was for the better, you look great" etc. is actually a really bad thing to say. It prevents the "grieving" person from further talking about how they feel because they feel guilty to have to contradict what others think they're seeing. A better thing to say is "how are you doing?" even if the other person "looks fine." I think you're right in that eventually we become masters at hiding how we really feel - especially because somehow others thing that after a certain point you should be "over it." Such a fallacy. It takes a long time to say "good-bye" to anyone. But anyway, as to learning from hardships. It's hard to say. I guess we "learn" what we choose to learn. If we look hard enough I think we do find some "lessons" here and there. My own cynical view is that bad things happen to everyone. Period. So it's hard to find a "lesson" in tragedy (and I sincerely think hearbreak is a traumatic even strong enough to be considered a "tragedy"), but there is one thing that we can learn: and that is to better learn to deal with the fact that some things are just beyond our control. Ultimately, that is what "grief" is - the pain of realizing that things are as they are and you can't do anything to change it. It's a hard thing to learn, it's harder to come to terms with it, and I think no one really gets it right. That's why it's so painful to learn from hardships - because it really IS that hard.
2020vision Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Yes indeed. Break-up are a bitch. When I read through posts here and recall how many I wrote analyzing and examining every step of my recovery I see in other posters' writings that same hope and despair I had suffered. And just as I was given advice and in turn have given advice on the process of healing, by maintaining NC or debating LC and offering words of comfort, it is clear that we all want the painful memory of our broken relationship to go away as quickly as possible. It occurred to me, that no matter how much we want to go back to what we had and never having experienced such turmoil...there's no way around it. We can write and write and do everything to try to undertsand what happened. To make sense of it all..but to feel whole again we each have to walk through the fire. There's no short-cut. There's no absolute time or trick. To get to the otherside of the pain of a broken heart you have walk through it the fire. Can't avoid it. Can't hide from it. Can't out wit. And after you do go through it, the next reality you face is...you won't be the same. You will be undoubtedly different. Maybe better. Maybe worse. But never ever the same. Great post Insync. This is so true. Okay, not to sound like a spokesperson for Oprah, but I happen to DVR it everyday and watch the ones I can take something from. This paticular one I watched was about this woman whose husband died in one of the twin towers on 9/11. She was given over $5 million in a settlement for her loss. She went on this crazy shopping spree and spent a lot of money on herself and children, thinking it would make her (and her children) feel better. Then, Oprah had her regular psychologist on to speak to this woman. She said something along these lines, "you need to stop avoiding this, it is going to hurt. You must hurt to feel better" Almost the whole show this woman was talking about how it would hurt too bad to get off anti depressants and to stop buying things and face it. And, not to say that losing your husband is not horrible, but this woman had been going through the same pain for like 4 years. If she had dealt with it in a more direct way, she would be on her way to recovery. You cannot buy things to fill in a void that a break up has caused, you cannot avoid a breakup to spare yourself the pain. I remember thinking when I first broke up with my ex, last year, that I could keep in contact with him and it would dull the pain I felt from losing him. WRONG. You have to deal with it, and wade through the pain to get any sort of relief. Then, you will find yourself feeling better. You have to face blunt truths. "He/she is not coming back" concepts have helped me. You have to have the emotional strength to get through this pain.
Chinook Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 It occurred to me, that no matter how much we want to go back to what we had and never having experienced such turmoil...there's no way around it. We can write and write and do everything to try to undertsand what happened. To make sense of it all..but to feel whole again we each have to walk through the fire. There's no short-cut. There's no absolute time or trick. To get to the otherside of the pain of a broken heart you have walk through it the fire. Can't avoid it. Can't hide from it. Can't out wit. And after you do go through it, the next reality you face is...you won't be the same. You will be undoubtedly different. Maybe better. Maybe worse. But never ever the same. Yeah. Speaking as one who managed to avoid it religiously by any means necessary i.e. by being friends, confidantes and advisors... yeah, the pain is unavoidable. We all go through it, be it short or long. Be it rough or smooth. The transition from sharing yourself to essentially that sharing being rejected... it's a tough path to walk. But there is no alternative. You can shut your eyes along the way and hope for the best but you just end up stumbling and following the wrong path (I did it - twice!). No, most of the time you're better. Mainly cause you've learned more about yourself. I agree with Alpha. Most of the time, you learn to recognise things about yourself which you won't tolerate in the future. Not an easy path to get there... but let's face it, it's all a journey to the end of the road, no one ever said that would be easy. So, it may not feel better but damage limitation due to learning about yourself, is better. Of course some people don't learn anything and end up in a cycle of trauma after trauma.
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Sometimes I feel like I am becoming a stronger person? But not in the whole boyfriend department. I haven't had a 2nd love and I know when that comes, It will be a whole new experience, faced with new problems. Maybe you get stronger in some areas. But I feel the same as everyone else does here. So you look happy, you look better but when your alone you know how you truely feel. You only get stronger if you want to get stronger. If you keep looking at this as such tragedy your not going to see any good behind it all. Your going to wallow in with your pity, and feel nothing more than a victim. If you don't try to pull out some lessons than you won't come out with anything. I haven't gotten stronger but I have related to people more and I am just more in touch with my self. i love it
Author In Sync Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 when advice is received or given from our friends or family or from here on LS, I truly believe it's out of human compassion that does not want to see anyone suffering. We share our thoughts to aid that heartbroken person on their road to healing. But the unavoidable truth is the pain has to be dealt with. We each have the choice to use whatever tactic...but it is just that a tactic to get battle what we don't/didn't want to confront. The pain is standing there and it won't be wished away. Day by day we take a step towards it, in it and we walk through it. I think when we fully confront it we do come out better. It's when we decide to keep the pain with us and say we went through the fire when we really didn't. The bitterness is when someone hasn't fully dealt with the pain. They didn't walk through the fire.
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 After walking through the fire, there is a hose at the end.
Diver012 Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I dont think everyone is automatically better after having gone through a messy breakup. I think a lot of it depends on you. Do you dust yourself off and try again? Do you take the time to do a little self reflection, and make changes where ite necessary? Some people do, and some dont. Ive seen some that just fall apart and wreck themself. They start drinking, lose their jobs, lose their friends, become bitter and negative people. This is why I think its important to let someone know why you are breaking up with them. If its just, Hey, my life is taking me in another direction, were not into the same things, I met someone else im more compatible with, what ever the reason, give the person the respect of knowing why, so they can draw their own conclusions and move on.
KittenMoon Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I dont think everyone is automatically better after having gone through a messy breakup. I think a lot of it depends on you. Do you dust yourself off and try again? Do you take the time to do a little self reflection, and make changes where ite necessary? Some people do, and some dont. Ive seen some that just fall apart and wreck themself. They start drinking, lose their jobs, lose their friends, become bitter and negative people. . Makes you wonder what makes one person able to weather it, and others not. After walking through the fire, there is a hose at the end. Or horrible, horrible scarring.
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Makes you proud to know people who have come out better, such as ourselves or indeed will at some given point of time
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