lovernotafighter Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 honestly I have never seen any one told to leave except one person and imo it was kinda deserved because they sugur coated insults at every ow/om on here. unless thats your plan tink I seriously don't think you have anything to worry about...I really don't understand this to much but whatever.
simona Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I a nethier an OW nor a BW and I like to posts here. It is interesting to see views from both OW and BW. ALthough I have not seen that many posts from BW.
Outcast Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 but then i saw that what i mistook for meanness was genuine concern and blunt honesty, exactly what i needed to hear. the truth isnt always pretty, but sometimes u need to hear, in not so nice terms, exactly what the deal is. but i truly believe it was hearing such honest opinions that helped me. Exactly. Different people need different approaches, which is why LS is so useful. Posters get a variety of opinions and approaches; something among them will usually be of help to them. For some, it's the hand-holding, for others it's having the hard truth outlined to them so they have to face it rather than sticking their heads in the sand. We don't necessarily like to consider the consequences of our actions, but when we allow ourselves to do so, we become motivated to change our lives, often for the better. Of course some people don't like it when you hold up a mirror to their actions because they are actively trying to avoid dealing. They'll fight like hell - but in a lot of cases, the reality, painful as it is, will sink in and it will be the motivating factor for them to make the changes that ultimately allow them to have healthier lives. But while they're trying to avoid facing their situation, of course they get defensive. And they'll accuse people of 'judging' and 'attacking' when they're not (not talking about people who actually do attack, namecall, and offer no useful advice, of course). I generally avoid these boards because I find the level of avoidance higher here than on other boards. People often complain about their situations but refuse to take the step that will eliminate the problem - drop the user and find a partner who'll be 100% theirs. It's just too hard to watch.
norajane Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I post here as a former OW, and I also often feel my words aren't welcome. I try to keep in mind that people rarely listen if you hit them hard, but even so, I think my 'lessons learned' come across as that of a BS and are discounted. It hasn't stopped me from posting here...yet. I post most often in threads where the thread starter is on the cusp or has just started an A...something compels me to try to stop the train wreck before it happens, if at all possible.
owcanbhppy Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 im really new here & have only posted a little. the ones i asked to leave a particular subject were those who were going off the subject i was concerned about to interject negative views that im not concerned about. also comments like, 'dont you have respect for yourself or anyone else' - is a deliberate attempt to slam & is an obvious blanket judgement over one person who they dont know & only know 1 thing about. (further attempt to say ive contradicted my self for answering that i do (have respect...), i havnt bothered to engage in further. im not here to argue, theres only so much info ill offer about myself & my situation & i will tell some one if there steering off the topic i was looking to hear fr others regarding their experiences with. any way, WELCOME tinktronic!
newbby Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Imagine being bullied by your boss. Trying to defend yourself against his verbal attacks constitutes "being defensive and in denial". Agree with any of the content of those attacks, and he'll interpret that agreement as an admission of incompetence. Friction builds up. Whatever you do to work with your critic in an effort to solve the problem of "you" backfires on you. Suddenly your boss goes off sick, and you discover that he has long standing addiction problems. Does that mean you can trust any of his criticism? How do you sort out any constructive elements of his criticism from all the personal issues he was projecting onto you? That's what other people's judgements can feel like, and I guess that's why people react so strongly against being judged. We know we're not perfect, and we're equally aware that others - including our critics - aren't perfect. Listening to your self, your choices and your mistakes being smugly condemned by someone who's really just trying to get rid of their own crap by passing it onto you is pretty tedious. That's what seems to often happen here, when people who fear the prospect of being betrayed by someone they love (and I include myself in that) project their anxieties onto others under a guise of actually trying to help them. The person who applies "tough love" to others, but is incapable of taking an honest look inwards (eg to figure out why they have such a strong reaction against the person they're purporting to help) is, in my view, projecting a false sense of self. A strength of character that, if examined under some psycho-analytic microscope, would prove to be nothing more than a mish-mash of ego needs. On the other hand, the very act of cheating involves concealment and lies. Is one kind of dishonesty worse than another? lindya, this is an exceptionally intelligent and perceptive observation. theres nothing else at all i could add to this. thankyou for the compliment btw
UnknowingOW Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Lindya...you have to be a counselor...yes? Just reading what you are saying and that's the feeling I get. Thanks BTW, good post.
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