MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 I just returned from a 3-night camping trip with my kids age 9 and 11, and my boyfriend of 3 months. We had a good time, the kids like him and we did fun things together...swimming, fishing, and also had some other friends with kids there. The problem was every time I tried to relax, or make a meal, or tidy things up in the camper, the kids were on my case to entertain them. I warned them so many times (too many) about using the "I'm bored" and "there's nothing to do". All they wanted to do was sit in lawnchairs in the screen tent and play with their tamagotchi's all day, or gameboy (don't ask why we allowed them to bring them camping). I would set time limits, and misbehavior or attitude cost them and they wouldn't be allowed to check on their tamagotchi's. These are the most ridiculous toys I've ever seen. Any time I would ask them for help, or tell them to do something, or suggest something for them to do, like ride their bikes, or climb a rock, the first word out of their mouth's would be "NO" along with the 'tude. So of course me being the stressed out mom, I start yelling and b*tching at them and then they talk back even more. I am losing them for four weeks (camp, vacation with their dad, relatives) and may only see them a couple of times. I feel so guilty that I am looking forward to the break. I try my best as a parent, dad and I have been separated for 18 months (he also has a new gf who has camped with them). I try talking to the kids, to find out what they think of me having a bf, and I can't get much except an "I dunno" out of them. I will be talking to their dad to try and figure out how to deal with this and how he handles it. I'm sure he will not say "Oh they are fine when they're with me" cuz I know they give him the same attitude. They are not "bad" kids, they just seem to think I'm here to entertain them and play with them and I wouldn't mind that but I would get nothing else done. I'm back to work tomorrow....and I need a vacation!!!!! Thanks for letting me vent...suggestions will be appreciated. Criticism will only be accepted if you are also a parent.
wonderingmind Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 One of the best bits of parenting advice anyone ever gave me came from my brother. The first time he held his nephew, my son, he said, "Being a baby must be like being on a 24-hour-a-day acid trip because everything's brand new." Yeah, that was the parenting advice. It works because I interpreted it to mean new things - anything, including a camping trip - don't come with a child's menu. And this is where we have to be teachers and we have to offer guidance. Camping? Pick a child and guide him/her to the sink, make some dishwater while explaining how when a family camps, everyone still has to help clean up just like at home. Then do a couple yourself they can see it's no different just because it's a different sink, then find something else to do while said child is busting suds. Wa-la! You've just reinforced "The Rules" of your home and taught them something they will need to know as they become adults and camp. Seriously. You let them bring gadgets? I know you know it was a bad idea. How old are your children?
Outcast Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Any time I would ask them for help, or tell them to do something, or suggest something for them to do, like ride their bikes, or climb a rock, the first word out of their mouth's would be "NO" along with the 'tude. So of course me being the stressed out mom, I start yelling and b*tching at them and then they talk back even more. I am losing them for four weeks (camp, vacation with their dad, relatives) and may only see them a couple of times. I feel so guilty that I am looking forward to the break. Getting angry and crabby and beetching at people never works. Not with spouses. Not with children. Not with store clerks. NOBODY. You need to adjust your own 'tude. You need to become a better salesman to entice them into doing things. Ordering people about never works. Persuading them artfully does. You have to remember they are KIDS.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 I don't yell and beetch at them alot, but I do show my frustration sometimes, especially when I've had to repeat myself for the third or fourth time with something. They will sometimes do chores if I ask them, but they will always say no at first and sport an attitude the whole time they do it. If I do it myself, such as dishes then they bug me to play with them. Before we got home I told them everyone has to help unload until EVERYTHING is put away. My son (age 11) made some snarky comment about taking his suitcase in the house really slowly while everyone else unloads. I asked him what difference it would make if he took in one suitcase for a half an hour, or took in several over a half hour period, and he reluctantly helped with everything, complaining the whole time about the heat. I think what I am going to do is make a whole new set of rules for when school is about to start. Such as.... -No TV between school and dinner (current rule) -Unpack their lunchbags and schoolbags (current rule) -Homework first (they rarely have homework though) -Set the table for supper -Help with the dishes and putting stuff away -One hour of TV in the evenings (current rule) -Help make their own lunches for the next day if it's a school day I will also include time limits for computer time including electronic gadgets and toys, say half hour a day (school days). Maybe I didn't do enough planning for the vacation, and instead of giving them crap all the time I should have had rewards for good and helpful behavior. I know some will say that is crap, but that seems to work. I dunno. What should the consequences be if they don't follow the above rules? That has been the toughest part...following through on punishments. They know that misbehavior results in consequences, but sometimes it's hard to enforce it because it often affects the child who was behaving. What other rules can I add (ones that are negotiable LOL).
norajane Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Taking away privileges (like TV, computer, gameboy, tamawhatsy) and adding them can be effective and don't impact the other child. You can add an extra hour of TV if, for example, they clean their rooms without being asked, or take it away if they don't clean when they're supposed to. One thing that struck me about your post is that your ex-H is also experiencing the 'tude from the kids. It's important that both of you are on the same page and agree on what the Rules are and how you will enforce them. A united front even with the divorce is important for establishing and maintaining boundaries. Making things a game, with a little prize, can also help. Whoever brings in the most suitcases wins extra time with the gameboy!
blind_otter Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I'm not a parent, but a doting auntie who deals with small children often and with little remorse. hahaha. I also babysit for cash, so I have some experience with kids and discipline. I get irritated too. I don't like to hear the constant nattering and begging for attention, but I read recently that children need conversation, not only with fellow peers but also with adults, in order to help foster cognitive development. The demands for attention or things to entertain them could just be an attempt to engage with you. With my nieces and nephew, there are rules about having an attitude. Mostly we say "If you're going to make that face and act like that, do it in your room by yourself because it makes other people uncomfortable." or more often "I don't want to see that nasty face you're making, or hear that attitude. Go to your room." And the room they are sent to has no toys or any entertainment there. Basically they are taught that they can have their own emotions, but they are expected to deal with the negative emotions privately. Do they get an allowance? Are their chores associated with that allowance?
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 I did tell the exH yesterday when he picked up my son, and he kind of laughed it off (as he did every problem we faced during our marriage). He did agree that camping is alot tougher with only one parent...he said seemed like alot more work. We are normally fairly consistent with our discipline and we do talk about the kids alot. I try to stay away from rewards because it appears as if I'm spoiling the kids but I think I need to keep it up. My son is very competitive, and I should have offered incentives more, I did offer extra Tama-time at one point. It's hard to take away TV and computer because my house is small and has a very open concept so the TV and computer are out in the open. They would love it if I made them go to their rooms because that way they get to do "nothing" which is what they wanted to do in the first place. My son loves to read and would do that all day if he could. They get allowance, not much, just $5 on my payday. Money is a good incentive. I will have to come up with a way for them to earn it - maybe have a base allowance that can be added to or taken away.
FredTravels Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I think the issue is not so much their "tude" but that they are going through a LOT of crap in a little bit of time. Their parents have split, and 9 months later they are camping with strangers. What were the tent arrangements? While kids are very resiliant, they are also very fragile at times. Is the new BF replacing daddy--mommy tossed daddy away and is now replacing him. It works vice versa for dad. Also, they are getting used to a new life with two separate houselholds and two separate sets of rules (they may be similar but they are different). That's a lot for two young kids. I would suggest that you concentrate on making sure they are ok before introducing a new BF--certainly for a campover. And just asking is not good enough. When my ex got re-married, she was squawking about the kids not giving her new hubby the respect she felt he deserved. We were at the pediatricians together (we talk a lot) and the doc said that they should not respect him for at least 18 months. He needs to become part of the family very gradually and that when she went out and left them with him--she was to leave the house like she would with a sitter--ok now XXXX is in charge and you listen to him and if not, he will tell me and I will deal with you. I was surprised. Personally, my kids have not even MET a date or a GF of mine (intentionally--we once ran into my kids while out) for 6 months. And I havebeen divorced for 6 years and have never had a sleepover with a GF when the kids are in the house. Now I also share custody 50-50 so I do have some time for fun as well. Just my 2 cents
blind_otter Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 They get allowance, not much, just $5 on my payday. Money is a good incentive. I will have to come up with a way for them to earn it - maybe have a base allowance that can be added to or taken away. Every family unit deals with divorce in their own way. It's such a complex issue and you shouldn't feel the need to live up to anyone's standards, but your own. Because you know better than any anonymous internet person about your situation, hell, you live the reality! That said, maybe you could come up with a pay rate that could allow them to have allowance contingent on chores, with a bonus incentive for having a good attitude or taking things in stride. Also, maybe you might want to get them involved in a volunteer activity, even at this age it's important to increase civic awareness and help facilitate the development of empathy. When I was really young I was taken around to nursing homes to play the piano for them. I hated it then but I know now that it was good for me.
norajane Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Also, maybe you might want to get them involved in a volunteer activity, even at this age it's important to increase civic awareness and help facilitate the development of empathy. When I was really young I was taken around to nursing homes to play the piano for them. I hated it then but I know now that it was good for me. My parents always had me taking food and other stuff to the elderly neighbors who couldn't get to the store on their own easily. Now I realize what a kindness they were doing, but boy did I hate sitting there and looking at pictures of their grandkids when I could have been out playing like everyone else! They did give me cookies sometimes, though.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 Every family unit deals with divorce in their own way. It's such a complex issue and you shouldn't feel the need to live up to anyone's standards, but your own. Because you know better than any anonymous internet person about your situation, hell, you live the reality! Well you sort of hit the nail here. I set my own standards and don't listen to anyone telling me to live up to theirs. My boyfriend has slept over and we slept together in the camper. I wasn't sure at first but I also confirmed my exH sleeps with his gf (they've been dating about 10 months ...I think). It's been 18 months since the separation, not 9. I talk to my kids all the time. I can read them, and I know it bothers them that their parents are seeing other people but it doesn't mean we're not going to date. I am very open and won't hide things from them. Because I live in another town from my bf he stays over when we are doing things in my town. Not that I need to justify this to anyone. I talked to my exH today, and we are going to sit down with the kids and come up with a list of chores, rules, incentives with them, especially for when school starts. I told him that my vacation was not a vacation, it was a mess. I'm still stressed about it, and I know they kids aren't totally to blame, but it would have been nice to have them help out a bit. On a side note...maybe just PMS but I have this horrible feeling in my gut that bf might be wanting to end it with me
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 it was just PMS....it's alll gooood!
FredTravels Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 it was just PMS....it's alll gooood! I want a permanent "get out of jail free" card like PMS. Where can you buy one? Seems to solve all issues!
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 I want a permanent "get out of jail free" card like PMS. Where can you buy one? Seems to solve all issues! ha...yeah...let's not get into that debate. I don't use PMS as an excuse for my actions, only for my emotions. Of course my actions (or reactions for that matter) I usually just blame on everyone else
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