Dumped with Baby

[Guest]

I wonder if any of you can tell me things are going to be OK.

 

I had been with my boyfriend for 10 years. After the first five years he became depressed and called it off. We still lived together, slept together and did things together so eventually we just got back together. We both in that time had the odd snog with other people, but where I was honest with my partner, he let me find out in other ways once we were together again. I was hurt that he lied and continued to lie. We stayed together, but I never trusted him as I felt he had decieved me, and I would argue about it so he rarely went out with friends. I never went out myself as he had just never let me and had hated all my friends and made me stop seeing them years ago.

 

Our relationship continued in this way, with us not going out seperately, arguing over the past occasionally. Surprisingly apart from this however things were fine and we went on holidays and trips and had fun. After 3 years I got pregnant and we were happy. After 9 months I had the baby. A little after this I found out my partner had maintained contact with the girl he snogged for 3 years after it happened. Only by the occasional casual email, but I felt so hurt. I decided it all had to change. I demanded he got rid of passwords and phone codes. I told him we were going to be open and honest. He wasn't to lie anymore and I was going to start to trust him. We were to be adults now. We were to go out seperately with friends and enjoy our lives. He did get rid of passwords and codes, and I decided not to check up on him...after all he obviously wouldn't have anything else on there now...he'd have to be stupid. I started to trust. He started going out with friends. The past was in the past.

 

We talked about engagement and he didn't really want to get married (he thought it a waste of money) but we decided to give it a go. We told all our families, who were thrilled and booked an engagement party. A few weeks on however, he is diagnosed with depression and decides to end the relationship a few days before my 26th birthday. I am devasted. I thought we were changing our relationship for the better. That we were growing up and looking after our baby as a family, with no more silly stuff going on.

 

I thought we were going to have our own lives and a healthy relationship. Instead I'm left with no money, no car, soon no home as I can't afford it, a new teaching job I can't get to any more, a one year old son to look after and a shed load of dept we ran up when we decorated our home... I feel scared as I don't know how to get on with my life. I have no friends still and my parents are divorcing so I can't go to them at the moment. All I do is keep begging him to stay and give the relationship time. When I'm doing this I feel desperate, degraded, crazy and confused.

 

He just gets nasty and walks out. My liitle boy is so important to me, but my grief means I don't play so much, I'm tired and miserable, anxious. I've managed to get him to live here for the summer holiday, but he assures me he's gone after that. I'm hoping I'll change his mind - but part of me knows I'm just hurting myself more. I just need some advice on how to pull myself together and be there for my son and forget my partner.

[daphne]

Sorry no one's responded to you yet. I think the topic is so much more serious than what we're all going through that it might be tough to relate.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this at once. You must be scared as hell and going through depression on top of that.

 

First and foremost, you need to figure out transportation to keep that job. You have a baby to take care of and a place to keep. You'll probably need to do a budget to see if you can even afford the place or if you need to find a new one. You may want to seek counseling to help you through this. You need regular support.

 

Set goals. Car, childcare, counseling, budget. Take babysteps if need be.

Don't worry about the ex for right now. Try to focus on your goals. Right now you need to be selfish.

 

Chin up. It will get better.

[norajane]

I'd recommend discussing with your boyfriend how much he will pay in child support each month for his son. He is legally obligated to do so, and if he will not pay voluntarily, a court can order that he do so.

 

Also, he should be paying his portion of the debt regarding the home expenses.

 

Talk to his family that were so 'thrilled' that you were engaged, and ask them for financial help if your boyfriend fights you on the child support. It's their grandchild...do they really want to see him destitute?

 

Good luck to you and your son.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

He has an obligation to support his son. File for child support, and look into whether there are programs in your area that can provide day care for single moms. You will want to go through the court system for the child support, not informally. This way, he might actually pay, and there are consequences if he does not.

 

Also, you mentioned the teaching job not being possible due to not having a car. Don't give up on that. You may have to use public transportation for a while, or you may need to buy a really crappy car and drive it until you can afford better. These things you mention are problems, but they are not problems that cannot be overcome if you are motivated.

[jmars]

Hey there!

 

I was in a similar situation myself. My wife left me, for another man as it turned out, after 5 years of me being a housedad, and 8 years together.

 

I had one friend at the time she left, no job, and had to continue to care for both my own son and my developementally challenged step-daughter, while she was at work, when she wanted to go out at night, etc.

 

My mother had to sell her condo within the space of a month (taking a huge loss as a result), and move in with us here, so that the kids and I could keep our home.

 

For the first while my ex told me she didn't want to see other guys, she just needed time and space, and was telling both the kids and me that there was a possiblity of reconciliation... just not now.

 

All of this at the expense of me and mine.

 

Of course, with a bit of time I began to wise up, open up, and found the strength to reach out to people again. And as I did, I began to learn and see what a foul wretch she had been and was being. She had been seeing some guy, even before she left, et al., but the straw that finally broke the camel's back, was that she told a lie and then, knowing full well that she was lying, blamed her own daughter, to the little girl's face, for lying about the matter at hand.

 

So, now, I get my sons portion of the Child Tax Credit. I get $200 a month for caring for her daughter while my ex is at work. I refuse to watch her daughter when she is not at work, insisting that she is the responsibility of her mother, first and foremost, and that her mother *must* place her first. I have expanded my circle of friends and associates, and just have so much more energy to be open and outgoing now. And finally, just the other day, I landed a job! The night shift, so I can go on caring for my kids during the day.

 

One could say that I have gotten selfish, but its not really that.

 

You have to look out for your interests and that of your offspring, for the sake of your offspring. Thats not selfish, it's natural and honourable and necessary.

 

Examining the past in hindesight has also helped for me to put things in perspective. Remembering everything that I put into the relationship (as opposed to beating myself up for my few shortcomings), and remembering everything I DIDN'T get out of the relationship. Seeing the type of guy she is with now, the amount of deby she has built up for herself, etc.

 

I still have my moments of heartache, when I wish she would find that... "spark of divinity" in her and begin cultivating it... when I wish, you know, that we could somehow work through, get over this and get back together, but it gets easier and easier, as I remind myself that the dream and the reality of the relationship, or her, are virtual strangers.

 

Keep your chin up, lass. Focus on your son, your goals, making new friends, envision your future without your ex, and *fight* for what is yours by right, ie. financial support.

 

As an aside; there is always a strong desire to run out and find another partner to fill the void, but be strong and wise... place first things first, and give it some time.

 

Best of luck!