hchris6738k Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 I would really like some opinions on this, I hope it is not too long to read; I've been seeing the same man for 7 years now. We are both divorced with 3 kids each. When I met him, his mother was living with him, and, as I soon could tell, she wasn't contributing financially, or even cleaning up after herself, just lying around and controlling everyone in the house. He was taking care of her, including giving her a car, paying the insurance,paying all her bills. Whenever I would even start to play around and laugh with one of his kids, she would yell at them and tell them to stop messing around. Eventually, when I came over (without my kids) I'd say hi to his kids when I walked in, and they would ignore me, they didn't even look at me, when ever she was in the living room with them. When I would come over and she wasn't home, they would all come to me and were excited that I was there, and start telling me things about school, friends, etc...After he had nicely asked her to move out after 1 1/2 years she kept telling him that she was looking for an apartment-for a whole year she did this. Finally he asked her to move out within 2 months so he could have privacy with his kids, he gave her a date to move out. When she did, the same day, his brother called, cussed him out and told him (my boyfriend) that because of him kicking the mom out she is sleeping in her car, so, the 3rd brother had her move in with him! She stayed living with the 3rd brother for a year. Shortly after she moved out, we both went to the beauty shop she was working at, she introduced my boyfriend and his kids to everyone, and when she got to me she said "what was your name again?" right in front of my boyfriend and he just stood there with a smile on his face, unfazed by her rudeness to me. Also, right before she moved out, my boyfriend went accross town to pick up some of her old furniture from his Dad's house for her, when he got back, he asked me to come outside &help put her stuff in his garage, this was 1 week before I was scheduled for surgery, my bladder and uterus were prolapsed, so he knew I wasn't supposed to pick up anything heavy. When I went outside to help I said "isn't your mother going to help get her own stuff into the garage?" considering she is not old or disabled that was a pretty valid question. He looked at me in shock at my question and said " she can't do this" don't ask me why, but I ended up helping him move her heavy stuff anyway-luckily I didn't hemorage right there on his driveway!! she was there and never even thanked me, just lyed on the sofa eating her usualy junk food! . In the meantime, after his mom moved out, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, I accepted because it seemed he was getting away from being controlled by her, though we didn't set a date yet because we are both divorced with kids, we wanted to make sure to have our kids all get together more (up until then we all got together about twice a month). Though our kids got along good, we still didn't want to go too fast, and wanted them to all get used to each other a little more 1st. After the mother living with the other brother for a year, she actually got her own apartment for a few months. Then one day, without me seeing it coming, he called me and told me his home # is changed and that he moved 80 miles away!!! His mother also moved back in with him. I was shocked, I felt thrown aside for his mother again, I wanted to break up with him, but he convinced me that she will only be living there for 3-4 months, now that she knows what it's like to have her own place, she was "looking forward to living by herself again" well, that was 3 1/2 years ago, she still lives there with him 80 miles away, our relationship has dwindled down to him coming to see me once a week when my kids are with their Dad. Our kids havn't seen each other now in over 3 years. Shorlty after he moved so far away he said he realized he let his brothers and mother talk him into moving so far, and he was anxious to move back here. A year ago, he started going to counsiling about his mother, she was an alcaholic as he was growing up, she was also very emotionally abusive ,threatened suicide, od'd on pills, until she ended up telling me boyfriend one day when he was 14-his older brothers grown and gone, that she was going to the mountains for the weekend while his Dad was out of town on business, she told him she'd be back that Sunday, but she didn't come back, he didn't even hear from her for 2 weeks, she sent him a letter saying"dont' worry about me I moved to Illinois" just to give you an idea of the kind of mother she was when he was growing up. He keeps telling me he can't move down here yet because his counsiler and him both agree that he needs more counsiling 1st so he dosn't get manipulated again into having her move back in with him again. He says he can't just tell her to move out 1st because she will probably press charges on him, since , even though her name isn't on his lease, it is still her legal address after 3 1/2 years, so, when he is ready him and his kids will move back down here and leave her to fend for herself. His mother also lived with him and his x-wife for awile when they were still together, she also lived with his older brother,his wife and 4kids years ago, she told them just for a few months until she got her own apartment, but that turned into 2 years, so him and his wife actually found her an apartment, paid the deposite and the 1st months rent for her, she moved out, but ignored him for 2years after that, and, ofcourse just moved in with his 2nd brother. She's been living with all 3 of her sons, jumping around from 1 to another since she was 42, she is now 56, as I said she is not old or disabled, just very manipulative and controlling. Anyway, thanks for reading such a long story, I would like opinions about this, am I just being played and manipulated by my boyfriend (and mother?), is she the women in his life or am I? or, do you think he is serious about waiting for when he and his counsiler feel he is ready to make the big move away from her and move back down here with me?? Thanks for reading !
nicki Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Wow, you must be confused and unsure about where your relationship is going. From where I sit, this guy has serious mother issues. He's getting counseling -- that's good. Unfortunately, your relationship hasn't grown over the past several years. In fact, it's gone backwards. Let me get this straight. This guy moved 80 miles away without discussing it with you FIRST? He is making decisions without you in mind. Let him work out the issues with his mom. He could move to be with you. Right now, for whatever unhealthy reason, he is unable to detach from his mom. If I were you, I would tell him how much you love him, and that you will be here for him when he moves back. Until then, you are going to date other people....really, he has no incentive to come back. You are enabling him, although I'm sure you think you are being supportive. Maybe when he sees all he could lose, he will move back. If not, though, at least you can move on with your own life...wherever that takes you...and maybe it will take you to someone more available to be an equal partner. Do you want to spend another seven years like this? Sometimes we have to be the one to take action when someone else can't...good luck
norajane Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 OMG, I can't understand how you have lasted this long with this man! I would have given up on this when he moved away without telling you...you've been waiting 3 and 1/2 years since then! Why? What is he giving you, what good are you getting out of this relationship? I'm not seeing what you've stuck around for and would suggest you move on immediately. You deserve a man with a mind of his own.
Trashed Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 this guy is a Loser with a capitol 'L'. it seems like his mother is a crazy control freak, and he's just her puppet. i think you should drop it, as hard as it may feel. you wont regret it later. find a man that treats you like a queen, not like his b*tch. and also find a man with some backbone honey! you deserve better than this! do you really want your kids to have a STEP FATHER like this? think about it. <3
LikkleMissConfused Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 move on! You have wasted for too much time on this guy! You have so much more to give and deserve to be in a better situation than this. Eventhough I think his mother is a right BLEEP you don't deserve this and should re-evaluate your situation.
Devrapunzel Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Yikes, Freud would have had a field day with this one! I don't want to be crass because I know you are hurting, but I think you need to really sit back and think about this. Reread your post and imagine a friend of yours telling you all of this. What would you tell her? Honestly you are not number 1 in his life. His mother is #1. He says he can't just tell her to move out 1st because she will probably press charges on him, since , even though her name isn't on his lease, it is still her legal address after 3 1/2 years, so, when he is ready him and his kids will move back down here and leave her to fend for herself. This is a pile of B.S. If her name is not on the lease, she does not have legal rights. Who cares if it was her address for 3 1/2 years? That doesn't mean anything. Think of all the people who live together and split up. Often only one name is on the lease. The other does not have any rights to the place. Wow your story just infuriates me. I would have a hard time being attracted to a man like this. You don't need this crap. Can you imagine the rest of your life like this? Because this is exactly what you will be getting as long as the mother is alive (and probably even after she's gone because then he will be dealing with his mother-guilt issues). You know what I think you should do. I cannot imagine anyone telling you to do something other than run.
Author hchris6738k Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 thanks for the advise !! it's exactly what i've been thinking for a few years now, i guess i just needed to hear it from someone else!
Author hchris6738k Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 WOW, thanks, i really thought anyone who read this would be telling me that i should be more patient and supportive of the situation!!
Recommended Posts