:( At wits end

[P1xie]

I'm feeling like a pathetic loser right now. I have been with my bf for 6 years. We've had our ups and downs like every relationship.

 

Is it normal for a person to have to ask another person to spend one on one time with someone? Shouldn't this be a natural thing to want?

 

I wrote him a letter expressing my feelings. Here it is in a nutshell.

 

1. For 6 years he picks up his son every weekend. One time he got got a babysitter the night he was sure we would have sex when we first got together.

 

2. 6 years he's never asked me to do anything except go over his friends houses while he bs's or works. Go to a movie with him and his son. Never just me and him.

 

3. He comes home from work tired. Eats and goes to bed. If he thinks I did not cook he goes to a friends house until sometimes as late as 1 am, but he can't stay awake when he's home with me. He falls asleep right after eating.

 

It seems he can make time for everyone but me. He acts like it's a sacrifice to his son or his friends if he has to spend time with me. I told him to leave me alone right now because if he started to spend time with me I would feel that he felt obligated to and it would not be sincere.

 

The only alone time we get is when he wants sex. I feel like I am a cook and a hole.

 

I don't know how to deal with this???

[Pyro]

I'm feeling like a pathetic loser right now. I have been with my bf for 6 years. We've had our ups and downs like every relationship.

 

Is it normal for a person to have to ask another person to spend one on one time with someone? Shouldn't this be a natural thing to want?

 

I wrote him a letter expressing my feelings. Here it is in a nutshell.

 

1. For 6 years he picks up his son every weekend. One time he got got a babysitter the night he was sure we would have sex when we first got together.

 

2. 6 years he's never asked me to do anything except go over his friends houses while he bs's or works. Go to a movie with him and his son. Never just me and him.

 

3. He comes home from work tired. Eats and goes to bed. If he thinks I did not cook he goes to a friends house until sometimes as late as 1 am, but he can't stay awake when he's home with me. He falls asleep right after eating.

 

It seems he can make time for everyone but me. He acts like it's a sacrifice to his son or his friends if he has to spend time with me. I told him to leave me alone right now because if he started to spend time with me I would feel that he felt obligated to and it would not be sincere.

 

The only alone time we get is when he wants sex. I feel like I am a cook and a hole.

 

I don't know how to deal with this???

 

 

Don't feel like a pathetic loser. This type of thing happens in alot of relationships at some point. Being in a relationship for six years sometimes will get an individual in the comfort zone. Things are taken for granted, like spending quality time with you. After six years, you should have no problem talking to him about this subject because that is what you need to do.

[Tony T]

Unfortunately, it's very hard to change something that you've gone along with for SIX years. A lot of people are married and divorced two times in that amount of time. If you have not put your foot down about all these behaviors by this time, it's too late. Both of you have established the pattern.

 

You should not have allowed this to go along so long. You are quite right in that now, if he makes some minor changes, you don't know exactly why. He sounds like way too much a creature of habit to be making permanent changes for you right now. It's very likely that changes he makes to spend more time with you will be short lived.

 

There is simply no way you would have stuck around for SIX years if you weren't mildly OK with his pattern. No, it's not right. You should expect that a boyfriend would give you quality one-on-one time...absolutely. But why would you want to be with someone who is forced to do that by ultimatum?

 

It sounds like you really love the guy, otherwise you wouldn't have put up with this for so long. It may be consoling that this kid is getting older and won't be so demanding of time in the near future. Maybe you don't want to wait that long.

 

There's really no advice to give here. If you can't handle things the way they are, get away from him and move on with your life. He will always put his son first, just as you would put your own children first if you had them. He is not going to make you number one all of a sudden.

 

The decision is yours. Take a back seat to his son for now...or move on down the road. There are no other alternatives. You can't ask him to chose between you and his son...and it doesn't seem like he's been all that hell bent to make time for only you for SIX years...

 

Thank Gawd he doesn't have the kid there during sex!!!

[P1xie]

Don't feel like a pathetic loser. This type of thing happens in alot of relationships at some point. Being in a relationship for six years sometimes will get an individual in the comfort zone. Things are taken for granted, like spending quality time with you. After six years, you should have no problem talking to him about this subject because that is what you need to do.

 

It's hard not to. This isn't a case of after time goes by. It's been this way for six years and I have tolerated it.

 

One Saturday about 6 months into our relationship did we have an intimate evening together. I'm thinking hard and I think we have gone out twice in six years. It's sad that I have to think about it.

[Pyro]

It's hard not to. This isn't a case of after time goes by. It's been this way for six years and I have tolerated it.

 

One Saturday about 6 months into our relationship did we have an intimate evening together. I'm thinking hard and I think we have gone out twice in six years. It's sad that I have to think about it.

 

Six years is an awful long time to be able to tolerate his behavior. If it bothers you so much, how were you able to deal with it throughout the years? Have you straight up asked him to do something, just the two of you? If so, what is his response?

[P1xie]

There is simply no way you would have stuck around for SIX years if you weren't mildly OK with his pattern. No, it's not right. You should expect that a boyfriend would give you quality one-on-one time...absolutely. But why would you want to be with someone who is forced to do that by ultimatum?.

That is why I said to leave things as they are...I can't say spend time with me or I'm going to leave you. I just wish he wanted to and it's obvious he doesn't and it hurts. I feel like a loser because I allowed it for 6 years.

 

His son is 10 now and that is a whole different story. His son should come first to an extent, but it wouldn't kill him to spend one night a month with me. Let's face it most fathers don't get their kids every weekend. When he does get his kid he spends most of his time sleeping on the weekend while his kid plays playstation or watches tv.

[Tony T]

That is why I said to leave things as they are...I can't say spend time with me or I'm going to leave you. I just wish he wanted to and it's obvious he doesn't and it hurts. I feel like a loser because I allowed it for 6 years.

 

His son is 10 now and that is a whole different story. His son should come first to an extent, but it wouldn't kill him to spend one night a month with me. Let's face it most fathers don't get their kids every weekend. When he does get his kid he spends most of his time sleeping on the weekend while his kid plays playstation or watches tv.

 

So this is only a minor problem for you...since you are willing to leave things as they are. You are a sweetie. Most women would not put up with this. Understand that you have been courting both him and his son since the beginning. If and when his son moves away, you will have an entirely different relationship and the courting process will have to begin anew. You might find this guy totally different. You may be in for a shock. Just be forewarned. You may wish his son was back in the picture at that time.

 

But, then again, you seem like the precious rare lady who is willing to take anything for the man she loves. I wish there were more ladies like you!!!

[Outcast]

I think it's sad that you allow yourself to be treated so badly. You sound like a maid and sex partner and nothing more. This isn't a relationship at all. If you were a guy posting this about some female never speaking to him or spending time with him, men would be falling over themselves to tell him to flee.

 

I'm afraid I'm unable to share admiration for someone who accepts only crumbs from a person who's supposed to love her. That's not rare at all; plenty of women take all sorts of mistreatment in the name of 'love'. That he's not actually abusing you is a good thing, but starving someone of attention and affection is not exactly what love is supposed to be about.

 

It's true that you should have said something about it long ago. Loving someone does not give them leave to ignore you and use you as maid service and knob-polisher.

[P1xie]

Six years is an awful long time to be able to tolerate his behavior. If it bothers you so much, how were you able to deal with it throughout the years? Have you straight up asked him to do something, just the two of you? If so, what is his response?

 

He gets angry and defensive and says he isn't doing nothing wrong. He's tired after work. Which I understand but he's not too tired when it comes to spending time with others. I guess it's convenient to put me on the backburner. I'm a good doormat

[Outcast]

Exactly.

 

..............

[Pyro]

He gets angry and defensive and says he isn't doing nothing wrong. He's tired after work. Which I understand but he's not too tired when it comes to spending time with others. I guess it's convenient to put me on the backburner. I'm a good doormat

 

Well then you need to stand up for yourself and do something about it. You obviously want some attention and he feels as though it is not necessary. Tell him that you need to be with someone who will take the time to appreciate you and treat you like a human being. If he still acts immature about it, then you need to reconsider your relationship because no one deserves to be treated like you are being treated. You are better then that.

[P1xie]

It was hard to ever express myself because I never wanted him to feel that he had to choose between me and his son. I don't expect that. I know that couples with children still try to make time for eachother. It shouldn't be a choice and I know that, he just don't get it.

 

I guess what I needed was to see this all in black in white. My mom is right I made things too comfortable in the beginning for him.

 

Love really sucks

[Outcast]

So spending time with his friends isn't 'choosing' them over his son?

 

Love doesn't suck and you're not a loser; what you have been is someone who thought that love is sacrifice. And, yes, love does entail sacrifice sometimes but not when only one person does all the sacrificing and when what's being sacrificed are some of the elements that are essential to a healthy relationship.

[P1xie]

So spending time with his friends isn't 'choosing' them over his son?

 

Love doesn't suck and you're not a loser; what you have been is someone who thought that love is sacrifice. And, yes, love does entail sacrifice sometimes but not when only one person does all the sacrificing and when what's being sacrificed are some of the elements that are essential to a healthy relationship.

 

I guess I'm a prideful person and I just didn't feel I should ask someone that "loves" me to spend time with me. That's why it took me so long to say anything now boom it's 6 years later. Sad thing is he actually thinks I'm going to marry him. I've only been postponing it for two years now. I love my family to pieces and they never have to ask me to spend time with them. I want to. I guess that is what is boils down to. HE DON'T WANT TO!!! Thank goodness I have my family and my dog and horses.

 

He usually sees his friends on work nights. If he sees them on weekends he just brings his kid.

[Outcast]

Well being prideful is foolish in relationships. Men can be hopelessly thick - as they often say themselves - at understanding women. You must never ever ever assume things like 'if he liked me, he'd want to spend time with me'. It can be true, but it can also be true that for some reason he feels you want him to get out of your hair sometimes. You might have made an offhand comment once that you don't even remember that stuck with him.

 

Communication is VITAL in a relationship. Pride is useless to you when it's all you've got to keep you warm at night. You MUST discuss what each of you needs and wants and never expect people to read minds. Maybe his mom loved his dad and told him that she loved his dad because dad got lost and left her be on weeknights so he grew up thinking that's what he should do. People have millions of reasons for doing what you do and you cannot possibly know for certain what's going on in someone's head without asking him about it.

 

It is unfair and unreasonable to expect people to give you things when you haven't asked for them. He is not you and does not think like you so just because you believe one thing doesn't mean he does.

 

Talk to the man.

[P1xie]

 

Communication is VITAL in a relationship. Pride is useless to you when it's all you've got to keep you warm at night. You MUST discuss what each of you needs and wants and never expect people to read minds. Maybe his mom loved his dad and told him that she loved his dad because dad got lost and left her be on weeknights so he grew up thinking that's what he should do. People have millions of reasons for doing what you do and you cannot possibly know for certain what's going on in someone's head without asking him about it.

 

It is unfair and unreasonable to expect people to give you things when you haven't asked for them. He is not you and does not think like you so just because you believe one thing doesn't mean he does.

 

Talk to the man.

 

lol no I do actually communicate. I have now problem telling him to leave me alone. Infact I can pretty much give you a quote. "Leave me alone, I'm use to it."

[Outcast]

I have now problem telling him to leave me alone. Infact I can pretty much give you a quote. "Leave me alone, I'm use to it."

 

Huh?

 

On the one hand you're complaining he abandons you and now you're saying you tell him to leave you alone?

[P1xie]

It's hard to discuss their kids or friends because it's automatically assumed that (more so with friends) that women are just trying to keep them from them. Which isn't the case at all with me. When he goes out with his friends or spends time with his child I'm not thinking he's up to no good. I'm a little jealous and resentful he doesn't put aside some time with me.

 

Lately I have been just staying at my mom's on the weekends until about bedtime and go home. Last weekend he's like going out again? So on the one hand he doesn't to hang with me but on the other he wants me to sit at home.

 

I'm a doormat but not that much of one. I will no longer be the invisible person on the couch.

[P1xie]

Huh?

 

On the one hand you're complaining he abandons you and now you're saying you tell him to leave you alone?

 

Yes at this point he needs to leave me alone. I don't want to hear how he isn't doing anything wrong and he loves me so much.

[whichwayisup]

He gets angry and defensive and says he isn't doing nothing wrong. He's tired after work.

 

Back off of him completely and take time for you so you can figure out what you want from this relationship.

 

I'm sorry, but he should be making an effort to be with you. Relationships are work, and wanting to spend time with your partner SHOULD be high on his priority list. Seems by the way he is with you, he isn't putting in that effort. Or any effort at all.

 

You're a gorgeous girl! And you seem quite forward and honest, atleast from I can tell reading your posts. He is missing out, look at it that way.

 

As for his son, I understand that his child comes first, but again, there is no reason why he can't make efforts to be with you alone.

 

6 years is a long time for this to go on and not progress. It's at a standstill, so don't put up with it anymore! CHANGE the dynamtic between you two, otherwise things won't change at all, you'll be lonely and he'll just go on like all is fine and dandy.

[whichwayisup]

Yes at this point he needs to leave me alone. I don't want to hear how he isn't doing anything wrong and he loves me so much.

He is saying it, but his actions are showing you otherwise. Sometimes actions speak louder than words.

 

I'm not telling you to break up with him, 6 years is a long time to invest into someone, though to make a point to him that you're not sitting waiting for him, keep busy! Do things with your friends and family. He WILL notice your absence that way...He expects you to be there for him when HE wants ya. That's not cool.

 

Until he understands what damage he's creating in the relationship, and what it's doing to you, in his mind, as I mentioned previously, he won't change.

[Outcast]

wanting to spend time with your partner SHOULD be high on his priority list

 

Says who? I know couples who've been very happy spending some time together but not lots. And, as I said, he may have the impression for some reason that she doesn't want him around. I knew a couple in EXACTLY that situation. He stayed away from her because he thought she wanted space and she did the same. It took me to tell him to ASK her for time together - and then he realized that she wanted time with him, too, but because they didn't TALK about what they wanted, they were ASSUMING each other wanted something very different.

 

It won't help to assume he knows what you want and get mad at him for not giving it to you. You must tell him exactly what you need - and, like the guy I know, you may well surprise the heck out of him.

[Becoming]

Yes, talk to him and be willing to back up what you say you want and will be doing to get it.

 

What is it that you want? Get specific and concrete--i.e. "I would like you home ?x during the week so that it's just us. I'd like to go out 1x a month. What all this will show me is that you value me as more than a cook and hole. If you choose not to do these things for me, I can't stay in this relationship anymore."

 

And you need to be prepared to walk because honestly, some men, don't hear much of what women say until we show them we mean what we say by leaving calmly and sadly--i.e. "I'd really like to stay with you, which is why I've stuck around for six years even though I haven't been getting what I want/need in order to feel good about a relationship. I told you on DATE what I needed from you, and what would happen if it didn't happen. So I'm sorry to say I need to leave. I'll be happy to reconsider if I see things change, but I'm gonna need x,y,z in order for that to happen."

 

You have to run a relationship sometimes like a business by negotiating needs. Check out marriagebuilders.com basic concepts. Your giver is on overtime. Why? Are you afraid you'll end up alone and are willing to settle for being someone's doormat? Well, you're already alone AND a doormat.

 

Have a serious discussion and be ready to walk because you've set this guy up to expect that he has to do nothing for this relationship.

[P1xie]

You have to run a relationship sometimes like a business by negotiating needs. Check out marriagebuilders.com basic concepts. Your giver is on overtime. Why? Are you afraid you'll end up alone and are willing to settle for being someone's doormat? Well, you're already alone AND a doormat.

 

Have a serious discussion and be ready to walk because you've set this guy up to expect that he has to do nothing for this relationship.

 

You are right I am already alone and a doormat. I really appreciate all of your posts. It helps just writing things out here. The truth is easier to see in black and white.

 

I have had the dicussions, when the dicussions did not work so I wrote down my feelings to him. The end saying I was tired of being unhappy and of always being the lowest priority. That it would be nice to feel special and important sometimes. I'm not high maintenance. I don't need someone to shower me with affection all the time, but I shouldn't feel so alone either.

 

I think whichwayisup is right, concentrate on myself. Go out and do the things I enjoy. I have found that I have to push myself to do anything because I think I sit around and feel sorry for myself. I'm doing better. I went to a friend house and watched a movie, I took my Lab to the river just me and her, and I spend more time at my families than usual. It's hard to get out of the rut of being a home body. It's also hard that if I do go out, he gives me a hard time about it. Well no more. I am going to concentrate on what makes me happy for a change instead of worrying.

 

Thank you guys so much because I don't feel so all alone now.