Author happymom Posted August 12, 2006 Author Posted August 12, 2006 Well.. I wanted to update all of you. My H continued to text and beg me to re-consider leaving the marriage, he said more that once he'll do anything. I returned home because i decided that it is best for my son to remain at home until he and I can move into our own place. The lease is up in Dec 31st. I have to just to be patient and wait until I am able to move. Meanwhile, my H can show the changes he swears he will make during these next few months. We have had a couple of counseling sessions, but it is very hard for me to trust. He has a tendency to say one thing and do another. He had all this enthusiasm, while I was out of the home about getting back together. The two weeks I was out of the home was really nice and I got much stronger emotionally. I still think about what he did with my friend but it isn't as gut wrenching. Is it dumb to give him the chance to show he'll make up for what he did?
mental_traveller Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 I have to agree with the other posters here. He is a classic case of a guy who says one thing and do another. ALL men who are serial cheaters say this stuff. They ALWAYS promise to change once the wife or gf finds out and finally takes action, and in 99% of cases they never do make that change. Just read through the countless wronged wife/husband threads on here, the lies and betrayals, time and again, the failure to change for the better - it's the same tale every time. His behaviour is something that he has done all his life, such that it has become an ingrained habit. The alcohol can loosen the inhibitions, but the underlying feeling is still there - the urge to cheat, and the lack of restraint to stop that and act in a proper way. I applaud you for taking action and moving out. I think you've done absolutely the right thing, the only doubt is that you are showing signs you might listen to his line of BS. Look - he decided to cheat, not once but several times. If the other woman says they were sexual, then they were sexual - do you really think he wouldn't deny it? Of course he says nothing happened, he would do! It's time for a hard dose of reality here. Your husband sounds like the type of guy who has cheated, is cheating, and will always cheat. In fact it wouldn't surprise me if he cheats *while* you are in counselling. If you can afford to, it might be worth hiring a PI and just seeing what he is up to. Check your phone records, credit cards, get a keylogger on the computer if possible. You might be surprised what you find out. I think you made the mistake in agreeing to marry this guy, after he had already shown one sign of cheating. You didn't listen to your instinct that time, so this time you should follow it. Stick to your guns and go through with the divorce. He will beg and plead for you to stay - they always do. You just have to act deaf, blind, and dumb and not listen to a word of it. Remember, people's words show what they wish they were like; people's actions show what they are really like. Actions really do speak louder than words, you should always judge people on their actions rather than what they say. And your husband's actions don't give a good impression, do they? As for the house and kids - he's saying he doesn't have a place to stay, because he wants to manipulate you and make you feel guilty, so that you will not leave. He may well bring the kids into this too, to make you feel even more guilty. Just ask yourself where were these feelings when he was having his way with that other woman, then propositioning the friend at the wedding? This mess is all of his doing, you shouldn't feel guilty at all - remind yourself of that every time he tries to manipulate you, remind yourself how he deserves to be treated hard. So he doesn't have a place to go - give him this month's rental listings. He's a big man, if he can find women to cheat with and places to do it then I'm sure finding an apartment won't be too much of a struggle for him! The other big issue is the kids. Here I can give you some advice from observation, because I know and was good friends with a women who found her husband cheating (with a stripper, and others) and against all advice decided to stick it out because of the kids. Well, 3 years later he has cheated with other women multiple times, he gets drunk and verbally abuse her, and last year he became physically violent and has hit her in a drunken rage. She is stressed, she dropped out of a successful business she founded with 2 friends, she looks a mess and is seeing a therapist to cope with her depressive feelings. NOTHING good comes from making your life a living hell for years on end. And believe me, kids aren't stupid, if they see that mummy is bitterly unhappy and depressed, it doesn't make things good for them! Yes, they may be frightened and confused if you divorce. But that will last for a few months up to a year, most likely. Kids change and adapt to circumstances quite well, and soon they will adjust and settle down in the new state of affairs. And you know, in future you can meet someone who doesn't cheat, who will respect you - then you can have a proper family life instead of the mess that your husband has made. Really, I can't stress enough what a bad idea it is to "stick it out" in this situation. If you need some confirmation about the concern for your kids, then speak to a counsellor about it. They can tell you how it worked out in cases where the divorce went through. Also, look at other couples where someone was cheated on. There are lots of cases where the woman divorced her cheating husband, or left her cheating bf, and then found love with someone else and is now happy. What's sure is that if you stay, you will *never* be happy. Don't your kids deserve the chance at a genuine loving family relationship in future, rather than the guarantee of a bad one now? Lastly, you should get some help on this. Friends, family etc. Tell them you have resolved on divorce, and need support to not waver and to follow through on it. Get a good divorce lawyer, he will have great experience in these matters; get a good therapist/counsellor for the same reasons. Just follow through on your initial resolution, it will be tough at times but don't waver.
Guest Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Do you think it matters that he was really drunk. However, he says he doesn't remember..(i don't believe him). I guess here is where you have to ask yourself this: Do you want to be with someone who has potential impulse control? OR Do you want to be with a drunk?
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