happymom Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 My husband and I were at a wedding one month ago. I found out that while outside smoking with my best friend, he hit on her. He suggested she let him touch her...persistently. She fended him off and told him he needed help. I am planning on moving out and divorcing. It is not the first time he has broken trust...it's just a cycle. We've been married a year.. any thoughts out there???
Pyro Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 My husband and I were at a wedding one month ago. I found out that while outside smoking with my best friend, he hit on her. He suggested she let him touch her...persistently. She fended him off and told him he needed help. I am planning on moving out and divorcing. It is not the first time he has broken trust...it's just a cycle. We've been married a year.. any thoughts out there??? What a jerk, thats all I have to say about that. Glad to know that you are doing the right thing.
livingalie Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Hi there. I am so sorry about what happened. It is only a year and he is already breaking your trust which is just an indicator that it will only get worse and worse with years and several children in between. So the best would be to cut him loose and move on if you can do that. Also, why was he asking your friend if he could touch her and where?
Author happymom Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 thanks riddler!! Do you think it matters that he was really drunk. However, he says he doesn't remember..(i don't believe him). She told me that as she was saying stop.. he would say "you're right..or "i'm going to get in trouble"..or "you're going to say something". All seems as if definately knew what he was doing.
Author happymom Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 She didn't say that he said anywhere in particular, but that there was know doubt he meant sexually..He even walked away from her to urinate and suggested she come along with him... her going with him would have lured her away from the bldg, I'm sure not to watch him urinate..know what I mean... Thank God she is the friend she is because it could have been worse. What's hard is I have one child and he has one also. They are pre teens and very close. I know divorce will hurt them..But to be a good mom I need to have my sanity!
Pyro Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 thanks riddler!! Do you think it matters that he was really drunk. However, he says he doesn't remember..(i don't believe him). She told me that as she was saying stop.. he would say "you're right..or "i'm going to get in trouble"..or "you're going to say something". All seems as if definately knew what he was doing. Being drunk is no excuse at all. He took those wedding vows with you. He should know better then that.
Outcast Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Um. I think you're being a little hasty. You don't just turn tail and walk out the first time the guy's a jerk. Give him the 'do it again and I'm gone' speech and caution him that drunkenness will not be considered an excuse of any kind. I suspect neither of you is very old and that he has some maturing to do. Give him a chance to show he can wise up before you tear your family apart.
ridingthebulls Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 The guy has a 10-12 year old and still hasn't grown up? She already said it was not the first time he has pulled something like this. And I wonder if she already gave that speech. Imagine all the things he's done that you will never find out about. If he has the nerve to say those things to your best friend, I can't even imagine how he is with women he meets normally. They have kids from other relationships. Sure their kids might be best friends, but friends can come over and meet up. You don't sacrafice your whole life just so your daughter has a best friend who lives with her. 1 year and already the **** is flying.. MESS! Exactly what happened with this guy's prior marriage?
Guest Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 TWICE in just one year? Geez, leave that guy for sure...especially now that it's only been a year. You'd be better off now than 20 yrs down the road with children and a well established home. This guy obviously has no self control, morals and self respect. He puts sex at the high stakes... throwing away a relationship isn't worth that but he has no values. It baffles me how people would throw away their whole life for a 20 minute romp. My husband and I were at a wedding one month ago. I found out that while outside smoking with my best friend, he hit on her. He suggested she let him touch her...persistently. She fended him off and told him he needed help. I am planning on moving out and divorcing. It is not the first time he has broken trust...it's just a cycle. We've been married a year.. any thoughts out there???
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 My husband and I were at a wedding one month ago. I found out that while outside smoking with my best friend, he hit on her. He suggested she let him touch her...persistently. She fended him off and told him he needed help. I am planning on moving out and divorcing. It is not the first time he has broken trust...it's just a cycle. We've been married a year.. any thoughts out there??? Do you still love him? Because if he's been drinking and this sort of thing happens, he needs to quit drinking. Get him help! Also, once he stops drinking, marriage counselling will help. Alot. He isn't thinking clearly obviously when he drinks, unless this happens when he's sober too?? The marriage should be given a chance, to see if he can change, make things right again. If you leave him now, you may regret not trying...
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Didn't you say he broke the trust cycle another time though? No you shoulden't have to threaten him with that because most likely he will be more willingly to do this behind your back. Go for the divorce. Only married for a year and hes doing this? You can find someone better later on to marry, this mans a jerk:(
Author happymom Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 well.. I should clarify some points given the responses from you all. When my husband abd I were dating and living together, he told me he was going out of town to help a friend move. I found out after he returned home that he actually went to a different state and saw an ex-girlfriend. I felt like something wasn't right, so I called her and she told me very specific details about thier weekend together that she couldn't have know unless they were together. Not sure they were sexual (she says they were), but at minimum he lied and deceived me. We went through counseling for several months and the relationship was good. He proposed shortly after our counseling was over, I accepted...we married a year later (one year ago). Since then we struggled with him staying out late with friends and not giving much energy to the marriage. He was in school, now done..and it was rough on the marriage to say the least. He would tell me things would get better after he was done with school,yet he had time for friends and drinking. I found out he was watching porn also..he did before we started dating and felt he should be able to even though we are now married. When the out of state incident happened, he prominsed he wouldn't hurt me again and begged me to trust him again. Well here we go again.."once bitten, twice fooled".. Hope this gives a little more background. I don't believe I am being hasty..
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 He cheated on you. And cheaters never change. They just stop their ways for a little while to put on this mask that they've changed. Get out..
Ladyjane14 Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 You can't change people. So, if this guy needs to change in order to be the man for you... then it might be best to make it a clean break and move on. While it's true that people can and do change, it has to come from within. It has to be a choice that he makes for himself. It sounds to me like this guy only responds to getting caught. He's not doing what's right for the sake of 'doing what's right'. If that's the case, you'll end up as an authority figure in his life.... a mother rather than a wife.
Author happymom Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 Thank you for the feedback..the last two replies are exactly what I've been saying to myself..Responding to only getting caught is totally what has been happening. I am ready to get off the roller coaster.. I feel guilty about our kids, though..
Last Mohegan Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 You have nothing to feel guilty about...sad for the kids, yes, but not guilty. Thank you for the feedback..the last two replies are exactly what I've been saying to myself..Responding to only getting caught is totally what has been happening. I am ready to get off the roller coaster.. I feel guilty about our kids, though..
whichwayisup Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 But the kids don't need a father who is giving them bad examples to live by. They don't need to see the dynamtic between you two either. Infact, they might be better off in two homes, with two loving parents apart. That won't be easy, but it is possible to make it work. As long as both of you make it your goal to put the kids first. IF you two decide to get a divorce.
Author happymom Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 I plan on leaving (my son is out of town for two weeks) and staying at a friends house so I can get away from the tough emotion of being in the same home..after the two weeks when my son is back, not sure whatto do. I hate to uproot my son. My husband says he has nowhere he can go..
stillafool Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Well I can tell you 22 years ago a friend of mine's H hit on me out right and wasn't drunk or anything. I told her about it. She stayed in the marriage and they are still married. He has cheated time and time again and she's still there. She looks really bad now. I imagine from the stress he's put her through or should I say the stress she's put herself through by staying with this jerk all these years. She has 2 daughters and I wonder what this is teaching them about marriage.
Guest Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 As I was reading HappyMom's first post about this jerk. I was thinking to myself " Boy I wonder what he was like before they were married". Not surprisingly as I read on I found out that Mr. Wonderful has obviously been playing the field from early on in this relationship. I agree that there is some problems here starting with Hubbies attitude about women in general and where his loyalty to his wife and marriage stands. Also, the fact that he has a bit of a drinking problem and is into porn also suggests to me that he has some serious issues that could pose some problems for you and your family and it wouldnt hurt to be watchful of having him around your daughters unsupervised. If he is not willing to get help then you must do the next best thing and get out!!!
Author happymom Posted July 27, 2006 Author Posted July 27, 2006 well.. i wanted to give an update to everyone. I am staying with a friend and the space is great! I am hoping that my H moves out when my son comes back home.. I want to live in our townhome (we are renting). I just strongly believe that my son and I do not deserve to be displaced, find a new place to live, not to mention the expenses of moving. However, when I have suggested this to my H, he says he nowhere to go.. Not sure how to get him out but that is the plan. He does not want to divorce, but there is NO WAY I can trust him.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I want to live in our townhome (we are renting). I just strongly believe that my son and I do not deserve to be displaced, find a new place to live, not to mention the expenses of moving. However, when I have suggested this to my H, he says he nowhere to go.. Not sure how to get him out but that is the plan. He does not want to divorce, but there is NO WAY I can trust him. You're best bet is to talk it over with a lawyer. If he doesn't want to leave voluntarily, I'm not sure there's much you can do to make him. You can find some information on the web at sites like divorcenet.com that will give you state-by-state laws.
Author happymom Posted July 30, 2006 Author Posted July 30, 2006 My H is begging for me to give him a chance... he is saying he will do anything to save the marriage. I am still out of the home, and actually having fun. I feel relaxed and less depressed. any thoughts???
jonesgirly Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 MC.. plus, do NOT go back to the same situation. Nothing has changed in your H, there is no answers to the questions you have, and (I'm assuming here) very little understanding on his part as to what went wrong. Enjoy your 'vacation' from the stressors of living with an unfaithful spouse. I'm sure it is wonderful, and theres no hurry to return to the very same situation Just the fact the you feel relaxed and happier should really make you 'think' about your marriage to this man.
stillafool Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Already your body is telling you you are doing the right thing by you feeling so much better. I hate to say this but people just don't change. I wouldn't go backwards at this point.
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