Commitment "Talk"

[The Girl]

This may sound like a rather stupid question, but I am kind of lost at the proper "evolution" of simply dating to moving into a relationship.

 

Synopsis: I have been dating this guy for three months. Things have been going really great (to say the least). We see eachother about two times a week, and talk on the phone almost every day. We have a wonderful time together, always laughing and having fun no matter what we do, weekends and weekdays. The physical side is amazing, we can hardley keep our hands off eachother. For his side, I have heard through mutual friends that he feels the same way. That he really likes me,has had some of the best times ever with me, that my smile gives him butterflys, etc.

 

The problem: After three months are we still "just" dating? Are we in a relationship? He has never brought up dating exclusivly, or asked if I am dating other people. We have both admitted that we are the first people we have slept with since breaking up from our last relationships (for both 6 monthes ago). He went to Alculpoco last week (he wanted me to come but I held back), and bought us matching silver rings. I pretty much know where he is most nights. But no talk!

 

I have such strong feelings for this person that I don't want to scare him off. I have deliberatly held back talking about feelings when we are out, not to scare him, and just concentrate on having good times.

 

My questions: What is the normal length of time to wait before having "the talk." Does he just assume we are a couple? I don't want to scare or pressure him, but how should I nudge the conversation in a light manner towards this topic? Should we have had "the talk" by now, which means he may not be interested in a relationship with me?

 

Please clue me in on the normal evolution of these topics. I am clueless. I have only had one boyfriend for seven years, and can't even remember how it led to being exclusive.

 

Thank you, Thank you!

[Ed]

In my opinion, the time to talk about exclusivity is before becoming sexually involved. It would be a good idea to know if the person you are having sex with or thinking about having sex with, is also having sex with other people too. I take it your statement, "The physical side is amazing, we can hardly keep our hands off each other" means you are a sexually active couple. If so, I guess you kind of bypassed this step. So, the next best opportunity would be, like, NOW!

 

In all other respects, it really does not matter if either of you are dating some else. Like you said, you both enjoy the time you spend together and the frequent conversations. If both of you feel you are getting the kind of and amount of attention you want, who cares?

 

After dating for three months and especially after becoming sexually involved, talking about exclusivity is very much appropriate. I say "talking about exclusivity", meaning - "finding out if either of you are dating and/or sleeping with other people, concurrently". That is the main reason for this conversation, to find out, not to demand it. Yet!

 

Of course, having this kind of conversation with him could lead to you two explicitly deciding to become exclusive, whether you already have been or not. It could just be a matter of making it official, so to speak.

 

Talk it out at your next best opportunity. Tell him you are not necessarily asking for exclusivity, but you want to know where you stand. This would also be a good time to find out if he is or will be interested in exclusivity with you sometime in the future.

 

Sounds like things are going pretty good so far. Good Luck.

[Lauren]

There is not a standard time frame for exclusive relationship matters! Some people decide to be exclusive after a few dates; others never get exclusive. If you are ready to move forward and date only this gentlemen; you need to express how you feel. It is a scary endeavor and could possibly lead to apprehension on both sides. Both you and your partner need to be completely honest about what you want and what bothers you/scares you about being exclusive vs not being exclusive. I'm such a strong proponent of honesty. I cannot see a relationship of any type continuing with this man if you are holding something back. It seems like you are uncomfortable just "enjoying the moment" and would like to have something more long-term and look forward to in the future. I hope that this helps and that things work out for you.

 

This may sound like a rather stupid question, but I am kind of lost at the proper "evolution" of simply dating to moving into a relationship.

 

Synopsis: I have been dating this guy for three months. Things have been going really great (to say the least). We see eachother about two times a week, and talk on the phone almost every day. We have a wonderful time together, always laughing and having fun no matter what we do, weekends and weekdays. The physical side is amazing, we can hardley keep our hands off eachother. For his side, I have heard through mutual friends that he feels the same way. That he really likes me,has had some of the best times ever with me, that my smile gives him butterflys, etc. The problem: After three months are we still "just" dating? Are we in a relationship? He has never brought up dating exclusivly, or asked if I am dating other people. We have both admitted that we are the first people we have slept with since breaking up from our last relationships (for both 6 monthes ago). He went to Alculpoco last week (he wanted me to come but I held back), and bought us matching silver rings. I pretty much know where he is most nights. But no talk!

 

I have such strong feelings for this person that I don't want to scare him off. I have deliberatly held back talking about feelings when we are out, not to scare him, and just concentrate on having good times. My questions: What is the normal length of time to wait before having "the talk." Does he just assume we are a couple? I don't want to scare or pressure him, but how should I nudge the conversation in a light manner towards this topic? Should we have had "the talk" by now, which means he may not be interested in a relationship with me? Please clue me in on the normal evolution of these topics. I am clueless. I have only had one boyfriend for seven years, and can't even remember how it led to being exclusive. Thank you, Thank you!

[boo boo]

I have just been reading your problem and I dont understand why things are so different in the uk to where you are in the us. If you are so in love and in a ' relationship' as such why aren't you automatically exclusive to each other. Is there a missing piece to the jigsaw?? with your main partner and so consider it ok to have a sexual relationship with someone else or is that the way it works in the us ?? do people get together but not necessarily keep to each other until its properly talked about? Where I come from you establish this sort of stuff early days and if someone wants to go to bed with another person then its either talked about and each agree happily thats the state of play or its finished as this can only be heartbreak and misery jelousy and confusion as the relationship goes further. Is that making any sense to anyone???? please let me know

In my opinion, the time to talk about exclusivity is before becoming sexually involved. It would be a good idea to know if the person you are having sex with or thinking about having sex with, is also having sex with other people too. I take it your statement, "The physical side is amazing, we can hardly keep our hands off each other" means you are a sexually active couple. If so, I guess you kind of bypassed this step. So, the next best opportunity would be, like, NOW! In all other respects, it really does not matter if either of you are dating some else. Like you said, you both enjoy the time you spend together and the frequent conversations. If both of you feel you are getting the kind of and amount of attention you want, who cares? After dating for three months and especially after becoming sexually involved, talking about exclusivity is very much appropriate. I say "talking about exclusivity", meaning - "finding out if either of you are dating and/or sleeping with other people, concurrently". That is the main reason for this conversation, to find out, not to demand it. Yet! Of course, having this kind of conversation with him could lead to you two explicitly deciding to become exclusive, whether you already have been or not. It could just be a matter of making it official, so to speak. Talk it out at your next best opportunity. Tell him you are not necessarily asking for exclusivity, but you want to know where you stand. This would also be a good time to find out if he is or will be interested in exclusivity with you sometime in the future. Sounds like things are going pretty good so far. Good Luck.