Mollyanna Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Why can't I stop thinking about it? how am I going to get through this night without crying and hating myself and feeling like the biggest idiot ever. We went on a break last week. He calls to tell me today that an old friend is coming to visit tonight and will be spending the night. I asked if he was going to get laid and he said probably. God, why did I ask? He wants to be honest with me, he doesn't need this from me right now - the crying, the making him feel guilty, the feeling he is doing something wrong. He said it is just sex and that I knew we are on a break.
AriaIncognito Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Dump his ass. Anyone that's willing to sleep with someone, a week after you're broken up, let alone "on a break", isn't worth your time, and unfortunately is "not that into you". I'm sorry to be so blunt, but think about it from your perspective. If you loved someone, would you be able to sleep with someone else, within a week of leaving your SO? I'd think not. Jennifer
trebon Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 My gf timed a break up very similarly to this and we were also trying to be open. But those few words coupled with your hurt thoughts is a nasty combination. I can only offer sympathy for your pain. I havent been able to cut ties yet becasue I am stupid. I know it hurts but you mustn't make my mistake. Get rid asap and move on. Actions speak louder than words and that is the worst thing to hav in your head. (I got detail by accidnet and I feel scarred for life) youve got to get rid because there is clearly no love from his side. Sorry if it sounds blunt, but its true. Take care. Good Luck
silentcharon Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 As a general rule of thumb regarding break ups- DON'T ask whether your ex is going to get laid or whatnot, if your ex likes someone else, etc, etc- whether you have moved on or not. Because it will just set you back. Ignorance is bliss.
Teacher's Pet Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Same situation as me. I was dumped for someone my ex hadn't even MET yet, and knowing her.......she probably banged the crap out of him within a week. But since I don't know, and I don't plan on asking.............. I'll just bite my lip and try to get on with my life... -tp
superconductor Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Molly, "taking a break" is shorthand for "we're through but I haven't got the guts to say it to your face." Teacher's Pet here is in the same situation, but he wants to bite his lip. Molly needs some company. Maybe, just maybe, TP and Molly should meet. He could bite her lip. Gently, of course...
Teacher's Pet Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 hahaha.... Why is everyone on here trying to fix me up with every woman on the board? I appreciate it very much...but.....uhhhh........ lol Though I do have a soft and gentle bite to me.. -tp
justagirliegirl Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 What a jerk! He almost sounds like he is rubbing it in your face! Yeah I know you asked him but his "honesty" is just crap. What would be fun is to call him up or text if you don't think you can do it seriously and mention that some old flame is coming over this weekend and you thought you'd let him know not to call or come over. Be perfectly calm and just give him a little taste of his own medicine. It will probably ruin his time with the girl as he'll be thinking about you in bed with someone else.
Teacher's Pet Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 If you REALLY want to get his goat..... Find some random guy from Jersey who's probably going to wind up sitting home alone on his birthday tomorrow (while his ex-gf is out boffing random AOL guys) and show him the time of his life! And if that doesn't work.... if he has a goat...GET IT! haha Putting on his party hat, -tp
Author Mollyanna Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 As a general rule of thumb regarding break ups- DON'T ask whether your ex is going to get laid or whatnot, if your ex likes someone else, etc, etc- whether you have moved on or not. Because it will just set you back. Ignorance is bliss. i have been telling myself that all day. Why did I ask? It just popped out of my mouth so fast! I have been a wreck for over 6 hours. Exhausted and sick now and wonder how I am going to get through this weekend. I don't want to get back at him. If he doesn't want a serious relationship, then he doesn't want it. A friend of mine thinks this was his way of fighting his feelings for me. Of making sure the break sticks this time.
Teacher's Pet Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Mollyanna... All kidding aside, I'm in the same boat as you. The THOUGHT of her with another man is KILLING me. My ex is a very sexual person, and we had some AMAZING times. And it wasn't all "about sex", we made it very romantic at times (candles, soft music, champagne, etc...) The idea that she might be doing that with someone else....... I have a constant pain in my gut thinking about it, and it doesn't go away no matter how hard I try. Eventually, I'll realize that she was just in it for the "fun" of being with someone, and I was the idiot who was actually in love and thought there might be a *real* future for us......... And tomorrow being my birthday is making this all the worse........ Hang in there, I'm really trying to. -tp
Author Mollyanna Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 Happy Birthday TP. Hope tomorrow is a better day for both of us. OK, this drama keeps on coming. He called his best friend (who I have recently become chummy with) and had her call me. He told her how much it hurts him to see me this upset and that maybe she could talk to me since we are both going through similar situations. What the heck? Does he think that absolves him from his guilt? He has also been texting me telling me how sorry he is and that he never meant to hurt me. I got mad and told him he would be just as upset and disgusted if he thought I was sleeping with one of my guy friends tomorrow night (with whom I actually will be staying with out of town.) god this hurt has been going on for 9 1/2 hours. When does it go away???
silentcharon Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 i have been telling myself that all day. Why did I ask? It just popped out of my mouth so fast! I have been a wreck for over 6 hours. Exhausted and sick now and wonder how I am going to get through this weekend. I don't want to get back at him. If he doesn't want a serious relationship, then he doesn't want it. A friend of mine thinks this was his way of fighting his feelings for me. Of making sure the break sticks this time. Everyone makes mistakes, let this be a chance for you to learn from this whole thing. I used to have this problem too, it was very tempting for me to ask my ex those sorts of questions but I knew I would end up a wreck if I didn't like what he told me. So I avoided doing that, and so far, I've been doing ok. Hang in there.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Why can't I stop thinking about it? how am I going to get through this night without crying and hating myself and feeling like the biggest idiot ever. You are NOT an idiot! He IS! Don't hate yourself either. We went on a break last week. He calls to tell me today that an old friend is coming to visit tonight and will be spending the night. I asked if he was going to get laid and he said probably. God, why did I ask? He wants to be honest with me, he doesn't need this from me right now - the crying, the making him feel guilty, the feeling he is doing something wrong. He said it is just sex and that I knew we are on a break. Again, he's being an idiot. I highly doubt he slept with her. He wanted to hurt you, to make you THINK he was going to have sex with her. He SHOULD feel guilty! I'm sorry, but when two people take a break, it's meant to sort stuff out, not jump into bed with someone else! WTF! He knew by saying "It's just sex" justifies it in his mind (I still don't think he did have sex, though I could be wrong) yet it doesn't justify it to you. He told her how much it hurts him to see me this upset and that maybe she could talk to me since we are both going through similar situations. What the heck? Does he think that absolves him from his guilt? He has also been texting me telling me how sorry he is and that he never meant to hurt me. I got mad and told him he would be just as upset and disgusted if he thought I was sleeping with one of my guy friends tomorrow night (with whom I actually will be staying with out of town.) He's taking the easy way out and he should NOT be involving his bestfriend in his problems with you. She should be encouraging HIM to talk to you. IF he wants to sort this out, let him call you. Ofcourse he would be hurt and jealous if you slept with someone else. This is the double standard here - It's OK for him to go f**k someone and have it mean nothing - But if you did it, it wouldn't be so meaningless. He is playing with you abit, getting reaction. If he didn't mean to hurt you, then he shouldn't be saying he's going to have sex with someone else. Jerk! god this hurt has been going on for 9 1/2 hours. When does it go away??? Take a break from it all. Go out somewhere with a friend, distract yourself. Even if an hour goes by and you feel good it'll be worth it.
Author Mollyanna Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 I highly doubt he slept with her. He wanted to hurt you, to make you THINK he was going to have sex with her. This is the double standard here - It's OK for him to go f**k someone and have it mean nothing - But if you did it, it wouldn't be so meaningless. He is playing with you abit, getting reaction. If he didn't mean to hurt you, then he shouldn't be saying he's going to have sex with someone else. Jerk! He said he did sleep with her on Saturday, but not Sunday. No idea why he had to tell me what day. I told him I wish he wouldn't have told me, because I stayed up all night visualizing him touching her. He said then I need to hang out with someone else, because he is not that way. He is brutally honest. He wants us to be friends. Said he told me from the beginning he didn't want a relationship and tried to stop this from happening. It is killing him that I am hurting. The last thing he wants to do is cause a tear to roll down my face. He tells me that I have no idea how much he really does care about me, but we want different things. I want a relationship and he doesn't right now. He will be whatever to me that I can handle. God, what can I handle?? He called twice today to talk about this and told me to hurry home to him so we can get face to face and figure this all out. Said he is looking forward to seeing me! I mentioned that if I had slept with my friend last night, would he want to sleep with me right afterwards? He said, "well, not right afterwards, but later down the road." Guess that is what he expects from me. According to him, we are still on a break. We will be the best of friends and see what happens from there. Can anyone figure out his problem? My best friend says he is in love with me and that scared him so he slept with that girl to force us apart. Any thoughts? What am I going to do? I really would like to have him in my life. I need him in my life, but I don't want him to use me either.
hooghie Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Listen Mollyanna- if I knew you I would shake you out of this. You are allowing him to treat you like trash and guess what- if you allow it- then that is how he perceives you...TRASH. Get some self respect and look for someone who will treat you better than this. He can't stand to see a tear down your face? PLEASE! He is loving this! Sorry to be harsh but you need to wake up and stop letting yourself be treated this way. you deserve better...everyone does.
garnet Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I ditto the above poster, Mollyanna. This guy sounds like a real piece of work. You are much better off without him in your life, even though I know it's hard to see it that way right now. If you let him stay in your life, he's going to keep pulling the same sh** over and over, and you're never going to be able to heal. I've been in a situation similar to this one in the past, and believe me, you won't believe how great it feels to stand up for yourself, say enough is enough, and walk away. Another poster said this recently "the right thing to do is often the hardest thing to do." Please be strong.
whichwayisup Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 He said he did sleep with her on Saturday, but not Sunday. No idea why he had to tell me what day. I told him I wish he wouldn't have told me, because I stayed up all night visualizing him touching her. He said then I need to hang out with someone else, because he is not that way. He is brutally honest. Then keep being brutally honest with him. Tell him he's a *****head for doing what he did to you. His actions just show how immature he is! He is NOT worthy of you. Not worthy of your heart, your trust, your faith, your friendship, your body, your thoughts. NOTHING. He wants us to be friends. Said he told me from the beginning he didn't want a relationship and tried to stop this from happening. It is killing him that I am hurting. The last thing he wants to do is cause a tear to roll down my face. He tells me that I have no idea how much he really does care about me, but we want different things. I want a relationship and he doesn't right now. He will be whatever to me that I can handle. God, what can I handle?? Here's honesty. And I hope for your sake you can do this... Tell him to F-OFF. There is NO way you can be friends with this guy. Ever. He has brought you pain, and knowingly...Yet, he pretends he cares, when his actions show he doesn't. You can't handle a friendship that is for sure, and you shouldn't have to. If he can't BE your BOYFRIEND, then have NO part of him. He called twice today to talk about this and told me to hurry home to him so we can get face to face and figure this all out. Said he is looking forward to seeing me! What an A-hole. I hope you don't see him. Infact, as hard as this might be, don't return ANY of his calls, emails or IM's... I mentioned that if I had slept with my friend last night, would he want to sleep with me right afterwards? He said, "well, not right afterwards, but later down the road." Guess that is what he expects from me. According to him, we are still on a break. We will be the best of friends and see what happens from there. A real break is no contact. Otherwise the purpose of the break is pointless. He expects you to want to have sex with him, after he has had sex with someone else? Even in the future? After he's hurt you, emotionally? Jerk! Can anyone figure out his problem? My best friend says he is in love with me and that scared him so he slept with that girl to force us apart. Any thoughts? What am I going to do? I really would like to have him in my life. I need him in my life, but I don't want him to use me either. The only way you will find out how you feel about him (forget about him right now, take this break to figure out what YOU want) is to stop talking to him, thinking about him and don't be in his daily life. GO on without him like he doesn't exist. Time will tell, and that will give you the answer.
WithOrWithoutYou Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 You need to end the relationship now. He effectively has already done that (yes, "break" really does = "nice" (or less honest) way of saying "break up"). It is a matter of self-respect. If he loved you the way he would need to love you for it to ever be any good, he would not have wanted a "break", and would not be screwing someone else tonight. Those are facts, and you know this, so do what you need to do. I could sugar-coat this, and write more about it, but facts are facts. Find somoene who cares enough about you to not put you through this.
Author Mollyanna Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 Oh you guys... oh man, it will be too difficult to never talk to him. I just moved there a year ago and was a real mess when I arrived. I stayed away from everyone, didn't make a single new friend until I had been there 7 months. Then I felt I was ready to get out into the world again. And I met him a few weeks later. My whole life was him and his friends. He showed me so much affection and I just ate it up! I have a very low self esteem and he seemed to make it his mission to show me what a great person I am. He is the most patient, most even-tempered man I have ever met. Even now that I have yelled and cried and accused him of everything, he has never raised his voice toward me. I wrote him 17 text messages in 2 days, filled with drama, and he isn't angry. He didn't run like all the others that I push and push and push at until they can't handle the drama anymore. He has repeatedly made comments like - "I am not one of your ex-boyfriends. I won't treat you that way. I will not hit you or yell insults at you". "I am not going to leave you. You can stop trying to make me run." And everytime we got too close, he would sit me down and remind me that he did not want a relationship right now, that he needs time for himself to figure out what he wants and needs and to work on some personal issues. Just last week he told me that I occupy most of his thoughts and he can't concentrate on anything else. I was so stupid to think he was just running scared and that he would grow to love me and decide he couldn't live without me. When we are together, he acts like he loves me. This weekend was such a shock. I never dreamed he would hurt me like this. I don't know what to do without him. I don't want to go back to that place I was before I met him. It was way too lonely. I'm scared to be without him. Isn't that something? Even now, his sweet words keep coming and he is genuinely concerned because of my increasing depression. He is beating himself up right now because of the pain he has caused. I find it hard to believe he is a bad person - he just does some ****ed up stuff. He is truly emotionally immature. And he is hurting over the loss of his mother a year ago. But I know I can't be around him because I am highly attracted to him and it would be weird to not wrap myself up with him again. We are both super affectionate people. he made me feel beautiful and sexy and funny. He has friends everywhere and I always felt so proud being with him. He always included me, telling all of them how wonderful I am. He told me tonight he believes I am such a special person and he will make it his mission to make me finally believe that myself. All of his coaxing and complimenting and giving nature had just made me start feeling good about myself. How do I slap all that away when it is now that I need that the most? It's like I am damned one way or the other, contact or No Contact... I just want to feel better! Saturday was such a scary day for me. I hit the bottom HARD and started having crazy thoughts, almost bartering with God that he would just end my life and save someone else instead, someone who can enjoy life more than I do. Because no matter what I do, the minute I start to enjoy my life, people leave, my trust in humanity is broken, and I feel completely hopeless with nothing to look forward to but growing old alone and miserable.
WithOrWithoutYou Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 But I know I can't be around him because I am highly attracted to him and it would be weird to not wrap myself up with him again. We are both super affectionate people. he made me feel beautiful and sexy and funny. Correct. You said it. You can't be around him for exactly that reason, because it will eventually just tear you up more inside. Also, as a side note... Has it occurred to you that maybe you actually are "beautiful and sexy and funny" and that it is you that possesses those qualities? Someone else is going to find those qualities just as attractive as he once did, and then he will be on the outside looking in, and the person you are with will actually deserve you, because he will treat you with the respect and love that you deserve. Does that make sense? I hope so!
garnet Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 You are dependant on this person. You CANNOT depend on another person to make you happy. Until you have learned this, you will not have successful relationships. Deep down you will not respect yourself (and thus gain the respect of someone else) until you have learned to stand up on your own two feet and live your own life. Without this, you will continue in the same cycle of unhappiness in your relationships. There may be temporary happiness, but it will be short-lived because the same issues will arise again and again. Trust me, I've been in your shoes. I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me to learn this lesson.
2020vision Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Mollyanna- This sounds way too simliar to the situation my ex put me through (the first time we broke up)... He would tell me how he loved me sooo much but did not think we would work well together and just wanted to be friends. BS! I followed him around like a little puppy dog, because occaisonaly when his newest piece of ass had not worked out for him, he would call me and I would come running. We ended up getting back together for 10 more months because he could not find anyone else,and said that I was the love of his life and if I left him, he would die. Whatever, that was all a load of crap. I ended up having to leave him because he found someone better (or so he thought). Please take it from me, someone who has been there. Get rid of this guy, I would not want someone to have to go through what I went through. This guy is a piece of work. Change your phone numbers, block his email. Its the only way this can work, because he will keep trying to contact you to just be "friends". DROP HIM! Its not going to get better, you deserve so much more than the crap he is dishing out. Good Luck, 2020
bendit Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I think you are going to choose the pain of contact over the pain of NC. But either way you will continue to LIVE with pain. Going NC means MORE Pain today but NO pain in the future (from him). Staying in contact Guarantees you pain for as long as you remain in contact. The choice is simple, although far from easy. I am sorry. I am not going to extend support to someone who realizes that contact harms them, but does it anyway because they don't believe they have the strength to let go of their dependency, to "kick" it. You will do that when you hit bottom and supporting you in your decision to remain in contact will keep you from bottoming. This is a case where you have developed a dependency on another individual, and on drama, to the point that withdrawing from "it" gives you intense pain. In my book that is addiction. You have an addiction. Now you have to decide how you are going to deal with the consequences of being addicted to the dramtic relationships you create. I hope you make the right choice: the choice to give it up and explore why you became dependent so that you can make the necessary corrections. I sincerely wish you Good luck in this project. regards
silentcharon Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 You are dependant on this person. You CANNOT depend on another person to make you happy. Until you have learned this, you will not have successful relationships. Deep down you will not respect yourself (and thus gain the respect of someone else) until you have learned to stand up on your own two feet and live your own life. Without this, you will continue in the same cycle of unhappiness in your relationships. There may be temporary happiness, but it will be short-lived because the same issues will arise again and again. Trust me, I've been in your shoes. I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me to learn this lesson. Absolutely. Don't wait for this guy, if he absolutely loves you, he wouldn't have done what he did. Sure, maybe the girl was just a piece of ass, but he must have known it would hurt you. I didn't want to wait for my ex, you shouldn't either, especially after what he did.
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