norajane Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 I'm confused on your question. You've said that it feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. That maybe she's seen the signs, gotten suspicious, and started compiling information, until she's sure her H is having and A and confronts him. What are you afraid of? What are you worried will happen then?
stoopid_guy Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 No reason to bicker here folks. (And the first one who says "he/she started it!" get's no desert for a week. ) Suggestion; Comment on behaviors, not people. That'll keep the conversation going without putting anyone on the defensive. Back on topic: IMHO, a MW who doesn't know about a long-term affair either a) simply doesn't want to know, b) pays too little attention (doesn't care enough about her spouse) to notice, or c) is so "full of herself" that she can't imagine her spouse possibly being interested in anyone else.
Author owcanbhppy Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 riding, i think i was clear that i wasnt here for debate, and definately wasnt on the subject of whether or not hes leaving. galaxy, im not being careless, i dont live there. theres nothing im rubbing in her face, i dont even know if she knows. my respect for myself & others is in tact. nora, plenty of unpleasant things can happen when a bs finally realizes whats going on. stoop, youre right. no need to get personal. your reasons for bw not knowing are good ones. im going to have to rule out c, strongly leaning twrd a, & b makes sense to.
BUTAFLY Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 One reason could be marriage says your suppose to believe in your spouse and have trust for them. Maybe because he has been doing this for so long his behavoir has become the norm & and she has no reason to suspect. Who knows? But if she is non-suspecting, you don't want him to leave, he's not looking to leave, why don't you two continue to enjoy oneanother without worry. I'm mean why is this an issue now?
Guest Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 my respect for myself & others is in tact. That's the biggest contradiction you've written so far. You are having an affair with another woman's husband. You have no respect for his wife or his children, because if you did, you wouldn't be involved with a married man. Like the other posters said, his wife is probably in denial as much as you are in denial. You say you don't care and that you don't want him to leave but yet when someone disagrees with you, you immediately become highly defensive. Why are you so defensive when you don't really care? Strange. His wife probably suspects an affair but doesn't want to know about it. "If I don't see it, it's probably not there." She has children to consider and is probably scared of what affects a divorce would have on her children. Just MO and no, I'm not a bs either.
bullhunter Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 A wife can know there are problems in a marriage, but not think that her husband would be so low, so underhanded, so devious, so cruel to her that he would actually have an affair.
serial muse Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Suggestion; Comment on behaviors, not people. That'll keep the conversation going without putting anyone on the defensive. Back on topic: IMHO, a MW who doesn't know about a long-term affair either a) simply doesn't want to know, b) pays too little attention (doesn't care enough about her spouse) to notice, or c) is so "full of herself" that she can't imagine her spouse possibly being interested in anyone else. This is absolutely infuriating. Here's another possibility, stoopid_guy: people lead complicated, complex lives - in long-term relationships, closeness ebbs and flows, and over time, sometimes, distance creeps in on the heels of separate responsibilities; sometimes it gets dispersed with a simple look, touch, kiss; sometimes not. Life is f**king confusing. People send mixed signals. Would you prefer to automatically assume, every time things aren't exactly idyllic in your relationship, that your spouse is having an affair??? What if you gently prod to find out if everything's okay, and they - not ready to confess, or address problems, or simply have a confrontation because they're already too far gone into behavior they aren't particularly proud of and don't really want to be held accountable for it - back away and give you alternative reasons? Jesus H. Christ. It is so asinine to just assume that a BS is willfully ignoring signs, rather than ****ING CONFUSED BY THE WS' MIXED SIGNALS. Why is that so hard to understand??? This entire relationship forum is dedicated to a gazillion confused people trying to understand those mixed signals. We all experience it. We've all done it too, because sometimes we don't know what we really want. And at those times, if we're feeling defensive and insecure about ourselves, perhaps we pretend it's the other person's fault for not seeing, rather than our own faults for simply not speaking up, honestly and clearly, about what the he!! is really going on. Because that way, as I said, it's the other person's own damn fault. Seacrest out.
Guest22 Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 She doesn't think there is an affair because she doesn't see you as a threat whatsoever. Does that bother you? Sure sounds like it does.
stoopid_guy Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 What if you gently prod to find out if everything's okay, and they - not ready to confess, or address problems, or simply have a confrontation because they're already too far gone into behavior they aren't particularly proud of and don't really want to be held accountable for it - back away and give you alternative reasons? Notice I'd said "long-term affair" in that post, as in something lasting months or more. But you're right, SM, it could be that the guy's just that good an actor/liar.
BUTAFLY Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Seacrest out. Is this a Howard Stern reference or are you an American Idol fan?
serial muse Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 What if you gently prod to find out if everything's okay, and they - not ready to confess, or address problems, or simply have a confrontation because they're already too far gone into behavior they aren't particularly proud of and don't really want to be held accountable for it - back away and give you alternative reasons? Notice I'd said "long-term affair" in that post, as in something lasting months or more. But you're right, SM, it could be that the guy's just that good an actor/liar. Oh, honey. As though that makes a difference. I'm not talking about one-night stands, either. If the guy (or girl) is a very good liar indeed - and if someone is so desperate not to allow themselves to be perceived, in any way, by anyone, ever, as the "bad guy" (and the spouse actually - heavens forfend!! - trusts and genuinely loves him/her), then it's quite amazing how convincing that person's act can be(which I think is true of many, many MM/MW).
serial muse Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Is this a Howard Stern reference or are you an American Idol fan? AI.
norajane Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 nora, plenty of unpleasant things can happen when a bs finally realizes whats going on. So, you are afraid of the 'unpleasant' things she can do to you or to your relationship with MM...you recognize that she has power over your life, power that you have given her via your affair. You are sharp enough to know that the shoe will eventually drop if things continue as they are, and living with that knowledge is probably pissing you off. You don't like knowing she has this power over you and it will continue to eat you alive until that shoe drops or you end your affair and take that power away from her. I think you are seeking some answer that will allow you to to believe that the other shoe won't ever drop, so you can continue your affair for as long as it pleases you without anxiety. I'm sorry, that just cannot be done. Only if she knows about the A and doesn't care about it can you be anxiety free.
beach Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 A wife can know there are problems in a marriage, but not think that her husband would be so low, so underhanded, so devious, so cruel to her that he would actually have an affair. This is so true! It is why the word COMMITTMENT comes to mind. If he would ultimately betray her - then why not you? Because he is a selfish man, deep down... Do you want that as a partner in life? as a side note I am noticing that ultimate is not spelled that much differently than intimate. God I hate it when I notice those things....
scarletletter Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 thank you scarlet, (im picturing you as vivian liegh, not as your name suggests). w/ your mms w in it for the check, if she found out, are you not afraid of what she might do bcs check is threatened? now that some one is on same page w/ me, how long can this go undetected? i can sing many praises of mm, but careful - he just really isnt as i would think he would be. SHOULD be, sometimes. I like to think of myself as vivian lee sometimes...lol. Anyway, I really am not afraid if she finds out because if she does, he will never reveal who it is. I know that if and when she does find out, the marriage will for sure be over. He is maintaining all that he can for his two sons to be able to have both parents at home with them...but I know that if she ever found out about me..it would be over for them because he would not listen to her crap for a minute. I don't want her to find out because I want him to do what he wants to do for his children's sake. If he cannot make it until they are out on their own, that has to be his decision. I dont' know the wife, but I know of her and I know her personality....very lazy, wants to spend money, wants to keep up with the "jones", as they say. She wants all these nice things but never would work a lick! It's really a ticking time bomb but we are soooooo very careful and try not to make any mistakes that would be too risky.
BUTAFLY Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 AI. Howard Stern makes fun of seacrest and often says Seacrest Out in a joking manner.. I thought thats where you were getting it from.
serial muse Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Howard Stern makes fun of seacrest and often says Seacrest Out in a joking manner.. I thought thats where you were getting it from. Hee, actually I was making fun of Seacrest...I just didn't know Howard Stern was doing it too. /OT
tinktronik Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I must say that when my ex had affairs , I was just glad he was leaving me alone , and could go pretend to be a nice guy to some other unsuspecting girl for a short while . It got him out of my hair, and there was always the up chance that he would just leave me and I would be free . As long as he was descreet I could have cared less , it was when he was not that it became a problem , and eventually all of the girls he ran around with realized they were sticking themselves in my situation and realized they did not want to deal with it either. Thank goodness hes an ex (sighs with pleasure and contentment) . My ex would not leave me alone when I left him , chasing me around acting like a lunatic , but while he was distracted I got some time away froim him. However I would never suspect that my current partner was cheating, I simply trust him that much.If he said his work hours were longer I would believe it .Going out of town , I'd buy that too ...Car broke down ,,,ect. I trust him that much .Perhaps some wives also trust their H this much.
serial muse Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 However I would never suspect that my current partner was cheating, I simply trust him that much.If he said his work hours were longer I would believe it .Going out of town , I'd buy that too ...Car broke down ,,,ect. I trust him that much .Perhaps some wives also trust their H this much. Yep. That's exactly it. And the thing is...if I loved the man, I'd probably do it again. Down to accepting the long work hours, etc. At least, I hope I would. It's taken me several years to get to this point, to get over the shame of feeling like the biggest sap on the planet for believing what my husband told me. But there it is. At that point, you have to kind of step back and say to yourself...er. That's what I'm ashamed of? What's wrong with this picture? So f*** it. I don't want to feel like I'm constantly swinging away at windmills. That's no way to live. You have to just take the chance and place your trust in people sometimes. Gah. It's just astounding to me that this same question pops up again, like a bad rash, so many times on these boards. Do a thread search, people.
Dangerously Close Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Even though you feel like you aren't very discreet, maybe he is putting in a ton of extra effort that you don't realize. And, maybe she just trusts him and so buys all of his stories. If he had a trusting wife, that probably isn't very hard.
tinktronik Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Yep. That's exactly it. And the thing is...if I loved the man, I'd probably do it again. Down to accepting the long work hours, etc. At least, I hope I would. It's taken me several years to get to this point, to get over the shame of feeling like the biggest sap on the planet for believing what my husband told me. But there it is. At that point, you have to kind of step back and say to yourself...er. That's what I'm ashamed of? What's wrong with this picture? I must admit , I only felt like a sap when I realized it had come into my home , around my children , my neighbors were watching it go on as well as our relatives and friends .Thats what I felt a sap about , I honestly thought my ex would be less tacky about the whole thing. But , Alas , he has no meter for tacky . I have never forgiven my ex or the young woman bold enough to come into my home ,in front of my children and act like trash.The other affairs he had ,I hold no wrong with the women involved in them because I know he most likely lied to them and damaged their lives even if briefly. You are right in your second statement serial, there is no reason for you to feel ashamed, you were not the one creating the situation .For someone who trusts enough to not suspect another of wrongdoing, it says nothing bad about you at all , but says a lot about the person purpotrating and exploiting your trust.
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