owcanbhppy Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 how could mm's w not know, doesn't want to, doesn't care, saving face? i know there is everything sitting in front of her if she decided to find out for sure. the one thing that does drive me crazy in this, is waiting for the other shoe to drop. i hope i haven't lulled myself to sleep, & she's been compiling evidence all along, if looking, she'd have had everything she'd need over a yr ago. i also sometimes feel like he's all but posting graphic pics on their fridge. is she reverse gas-lighting him? it just isn't possible she couldn't know if she was paying even a little attention & exerted minimal energy to look at what hasn't added up. just me?
Fluffyllama Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 You know, I think that part of her is just as insecure as he is. Meaning, she's probably so afraid of losing him that she'd put up with anything to hold on. Maybe she's too invested to simply give up and go away. You'd think she'd have more self-respect than to stay with someone who cheats on her, but oh well... that's only a guess.
beach Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Wives stay for many reasons - even when they KNOW for sure. Maybe she just loves him... You can't understand what might be happening between the two of them and their lives together... And CERTAINLY do not go off of the lies that he will tell you - they are only designed to get what he wants from you. JMHO
Guest Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 i actually have more info of what's happening inside than you might think. it's not strong love of him. if she disclosed the situation & said it must stop & chose to stay married, that would not suprise me. it wouldn't be for the marraige, but for the family. but to not do anything to get to the truth, this is what suprises me.
Author owcanbhppy Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 sorry for the guest post, didn't realize i wasnt still logged in.
whichwayisup Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Just remember...He is lying to her, so he IS capable of lying to you. You don't know what goes on between them at home. He more than likely tells you they never have sex, and they fight alot. Chances are, they sleep in the same bed, they are having sex. Don't believe ALL that he tells you. They have a history together, vows said, infront of family and friends. They have a house, a life together too. That isn't so easy to walk away from either... If he really wanted to be with you he'd get a divorce and live with the consquences. Actions speak louder than words...
Author owcanbhppy Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 what i know isnt all based on what he has told me. btw, i dont want him to divorce now, i believe the children are at too fragile ages for that. but we are getting off subject... his leaving wasn't even a little bit of the ? i believe she does know, not necessarily that it is me, but she knows & chooses not to find out anything further or do anything about it.
beach Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 what i know isnt all based on what he has told me. btw, i dont want him to divorce now, i believe the children are at too fragile ages for that. but we are getting off subject... his leaving wasn't even a little bit of the ? i believe she does know, not necessarily that it is me, but she knows & chooses not to find out anything further or do anything about it. IF it were her perogative to not confront him, then what difference does it matter to you? Some folks are just not confrontational types - ya know? Not being mean, just asking an obvious question...
Author owcanbhppy Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 i think it is very unatural for any one to have an idea that their spouse is having an affair & do nothing. whats it to me, i wonder if she IS doing something, as i put in my original post, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
ridingthebulls Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 what i know isnt all based on what he has told me. btw, i dont want him to divorce now, i believe the children are at too fragile ages for that. but we are getting off subject... his leaving wasn't even a little bit of the ? i believe she does know, not necessarily that it is me, but she knows & chooses not to find out anything further or do anything about it. You act like it is all under your control, but it isn't. And you know that or you wouldn't have made the original post or make contradictory feelings in the matter. "the one thing that does drive me crazy in this, is waiting for the other shoe to drop. "... now why should you wonder why she is not dumping him etc if that's not what you really wanted? It's called DENIAL. Which is why you wait around making yourself believe that this man will one day leave his wife for you... while she DENIES he's having the affair because she doesn't think she would be able to handle it. As long as there are doubts.. no matter how small of doubts.. that's all one sometimes needs to continue ignoring the big picture.
Author owcanbhppy Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 this wasnt posted for a debate or for bss to speak of their views on affs, what EVERY situation is like & blah, blah, blah. this is supposed to be a support forum. if you are not or have not been an op, stay out of it. you wouldnt understand the times of nervousness feeling that its bound to come out at a bad time. you dont know the circumstances, you dont know me or my incentives. stick to the topic or but out.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Read my post again. The reasonings of her not rocking the boat, pushing to find out about your affair is the same reasonings why he's never going to leave her. Go read some other posts by OW in this section. You'll see that the MM more or less gives the same lines, do the same thing. And most of all, the OW ALL get hurt. You only have control over what you do.
stoopid_guy Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 how could mm's w not know, doesn't want to, doesn't care, saving face? i know there is everything sitting in front of her if she decided to find out for sure. When my wife and I were going through a very difficult period, she told me "If you have an affair, I just don't want to know about it." I don't know how she'd feel now (don't plan to find out, if I can help it) but I sincerely believe she thinks there's nothing wrong with our marriage. If I kept things discreet, I doubt she'd suspect.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 this wasnt posted for a debate or for bss to speak of their views on affs, what EVERY situation is like & blah, blah, blah. this is supposed to be a support forum. if you are not or have not been an op, stay out of it. you wouldnt understand the times of nervousness feeling that its bound to come out at a bad time. you dont know the circumstances, you dont know me or my incentives. stick to the topic or but out. Noone is meaning to hurt your feelings, but if you post in a public forum, you're going to get opinions. Not all are going to be ones that you agree with. And, sometimes it's GOOD to hear other people's POV, objectively. Yes it's a support forum, but most OW in this section are trying to get out of their affair, wanting to end it because of the pain. I don't mean to sound harsh, and I'm sorry if I've come off that way.
Author owcanbhppy Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 which, there was never anything in my post about whether or not hes going to leave. i guess theres always blinders for some on the subject of affs. some will always asume op wants mp to leave. will always say mp NEVER leaves (really? you should read on a few other sites). he could be divorced tomorrow & wouldnt be moving in my home. i like my life the way it is. the balance of time for work, him & other interests is perfect. my one concern, ill not repeat. obviously no one here relates to it. except stpguy, only have had responses from people who generalize & think those generalizations are going to upset me, when none of them are my concerns.
scarletletter Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 MM and I have been together a year next month. I am also in an impossible and hopeless marriage that I am trying to get out of. I have no idea how the spouses do not know something. I don't really care if mine finds out or not because we are separated. MM's wife probably wouldn't do anything if she did find out because all he is to her is a paycheck. She doens't want to work and I'm sure that will have to if and when they get divorced. If she knows or even suspects, I think that she would throw a fit, but she's not a stupid woman. She knows that if they divorce, they will sell the house and she will have to work. There is no way in the world she would do that purposely.
stillafool Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 i believe she does know, not necessarily that it is me, but she knows & chooses not to find out anything further or do anything about it. I don't understand why you would want her to find out? Especially since you don't want him to leave her right now because of the kids. If I were you I would just worry about your relationship with the MM and forget about what goes on in their home. Wives have many reasons for turning a blind eye to their H affairs just as OW has many reasons for turning a blind eye to MM's wife and kids.
Author owcanbhppy Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 thank you scarlet, (im picturing you as vivian liegh, not as your name suggests). w/ your mms w in it for the check, if she found out, are you not afraid of what she might do bcs check is threatened? now that some one is on same page w/ me, how long can this go undetected? i can sing many praises of mm, but careful - he just really isnt as i would think he would be. SHOULD be, sometimes.
stoopid_guy Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Sad that paycheck can be a factor. My wife's starting her first full-time job since we got married. That means I wouldn't have to maintain two households all by myself. Woo-hoo!!!
ridingthebulls Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 You asked a question and I answered it. If you can't take differing opinions, then don't post on a message board. You keep contradicting yourself though. You are not even being honest with yourself. If you didn't want this man to leave his wife, then YOU WOULDN'T CARE WHY she doesn't know or why she hasn't left him yet. And I am not a "BS".
ridingthebulls Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 "some will always asume op wants mp to leave. will always say mp NEVER leaves (really? you should read on a few other sites)." Sounds like you are trying harder to self-preserve and not wind up another common stat, than be honest with yourself. It's hard for you to realize or come to terms to, but you really have little to no control over the situation and probably won't ever. So all this about "btw, i dont want him to divorce now, i believe the children are at too fragile ages for that.".. is really delusional. No matter what he tells you, chances are he won't leave when they're older either, if he has a choice. You are willing to give up years of your life wasting away waiting for a liar/cheat, go ahead.
Author owcanbhppy Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 still, i never said i want her to find out. riding, there are drugs for add, think you should look into them. stop trying to turn this thread into something it is not. cliches bore me beyond belief!
ridingthebulls Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Are you going to tell people to start using drugs every time you can't handle an opinion? Grow up and learn how to debate like an adult; not a child. "still, i never said i want her to find out." You also said you don't want them divorcing NOW cause the kids were too young. Meaning when the kids grew up, it would be ok.. how do you plan on them getting a divorce without the wife knowing about you? Why should it matter whether she knows or not if you are ok with the way the situation is? Do you know this woman personally?
Guest5000 Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 love is blind and some people just dont want to know.
Galaxy Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 how could mm's w not know, doesn't want to, doesn't care, saving face? i know there is everything sitting in front of her if she decided to find out for sure. If you don't want the woman to find out about the affair, why are you being so careless? You will know when she finds out. No matter how much she has to lose, this type of info can't be kept to oneself. She will go through grief and then anger or vice versa. And you will know when communication starts slowing down with the man because he is trying to salvage their marriage. I don't know. Maybe it's because she loves and trusts her husband too much!!!!! Maybe because she has such high self-esteem, that she doesn't get jealous of other women and least suspects it because she doesn't believe her husband would do that to her with someone else. Because I'm sure she could put him through hell with divorce court if she found out and was not happy with the situation. she's been compiling evidence all along, if looking, she'd have had everything she'd need over a yr ago. all but posting graphic pics on their fridge. is she reverse gas-lighting him? Why rub her face in it? Do you have any respect for yourself or anyone else for that matter?
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