Guest Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 I've been trying so hard to get over one because I know nothing good can come out of an affair between the two married people. It's kind of tricky to stop thinking about him completely 'cos we work together and have to see each other around Mon. through Fri. He knows I like him, and I know he likes me too. We avoid talking to each other for that matter, still can't help but catch each other's eyes without even realizing it... The vibe seems to be just too irresistable at times. Some days are better than others, though. I wonder how long we can go like that without one of us finally say or do something... I DO want to do the right thing. Please share your expertize on what you know about EAs, and how I can lick "the beast". Thank you all in advance.
stoopid_guy Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 I suspect if you ignore it long enough, it'll go away, but whatever you do, don't touch! Try not to even think about that. Don't flirt, because flirting is thinking about it. Try to avoid situations where you're alone together. If you slip up, don't give up. Think of it like dieting; If you have a candy bar, acknowledg the mistake but try not to have the next one. EAs aren't easy to get over...
Guest Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 I suspect if you ignore it long enough, it'll go away, but whatever you do, don't touch! Try not to even think about that. Don't flirt, because flirting is thinking about it. Try to avoid situations where you're alone together. If you slip up, don't give up. Think of it like dieting; If you have a candy bar, acknowledg the mistake but try not to have the next one. EAs aren't easy to get over... SG, thank You so much for your advice. That's what I've been trying to do all along - to ignore and stay away from him as much as I can. I feel we're both trying to resist the temptation. When it happens that we don't see each other for a couple of days, the next time we're around, I notice he'd be seeking me out for an even brief eye contact of re-assurance. That's where the constant "slip-ups" you mentioned occur for us. BTW, smart guy (I can't call you stoopid 'cos you are NOT , I'd like to share a quote with everyone who's reading this, uttered by the poet Robert Frost that, IMHO, explains why the majority of romantic affairs start in the first place. He said, "To be fulfilled in love is to experience an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired". That was just an interesting thought to me to ponder.
stoopid_guy Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 "To be fulfilled in love is to experience an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired". That's a great one! Thanks. I'm a stoopid guy because I'm having a helluva-time doing what I know I should. Also in an EA with a co-worker, despite a 16-year marriage. I go to work every day looking forward to seeing this lady smile...
Outcast Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 People you don't know are romantic objects because you're not stuck with the smelly socks, the flatulence, the morning bad breath and grumpiness. Picture your crushes in regular, everyday, less-than-pleasant situations. Associate them with the unpleasant sides of people. You think they're wonderful because you're not stuck with living with them. That alone should scare you straight. People who seem just lovely on superficial acquaintance can turn out to be horrors when you're stuck with them. Of course you're not seeing it now, but it's very likely there. The problem is you contrast your idealized image of this person with the actual flesh-and-blood flawed person in your life, who can't possibly win. It's kind of like having an imaginary friend or insisting on believing in Santa because you can't hack real life, isn't it?
stoopid_guy Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 People you don't know are romantic objects because you're not stuck with the smelly socks, the flatulence, the morning bad breath and grumpiness. Picture your crushes in regular, everyday, less-than-pleasant situations. Associate them with the unpleasant sides of people. You think they're wonderful because you're not stuck with living with them. That alone should scare you straight. People who seem just lovely on superficial acquaintance can turn out to be horrors when you're stuck with them. Of course you're not seeing it now, but it's very likely there. The problem is you contrast your idealized image of this person with the actual flesh-and-blood flawed person in your life, who can't possibly win. It's kind of like having an imaginary friend or insisting on believing in Santa because you can't hack real life, isn't it? I'd consider what you say true of sexual fantasies, porn, (my fascination with Sigourney Weaver, my wife's fascination with Harrison Ford,) etc... But unless you know the full details of the relationship, you can't say that for certain about EAs. In my case, I was friends with the other lady for a few months before thinking of her as more. I've seen her mad, happy, sad, and sweaty. I've heard her belch after drinking coke too fast. I've seen her with and without make-up. In other words, I have no illusions that she's "human." Also, I grew up with three older sisters. I've co-habitated with a couple of ladies (not at the same time) before getting married. I know women are humans.
Guest Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 "To be fulfilled in love is to experience an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired". That's a great one! Thanks. I'm a stoopid guy because I'm having a helluva-time doing what I know I should. Also in an EA with a co-worker, despite a 16-year marriage. I go to work every day looking forward to seeing this lady smile... I think the problem in general with most marriages is that we all know pretty well that our SO loves us, yet quite often doubt if she/ he really LIKES us. These are two very different things... Love in a marrige IMHO is more in the terms of commitment. Romantic part may have been missing since who knows when, but we'll stick together just because we're here for each other and for good, no matter what. To LIKE somebody is quite different. It's more like admiring somebody for something. I think men in general would prefer to be liked over loved (the way we women understand it). They aren't really into all this touchy-feely kind of emotional thing, but would appreciate a woman who is genuinely like/ admire him for just who he is. Any woman who gives a guy some of that so needed and craved for sense of respect and admiration will in the end own his heart.
bullhunter Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Any woman who gives a guy some of that so needed and craved for sense of respect and admiration will in the end own his heart. Very intelligent comment. To the OP: stay away from an EA. Take it from one who knows, it only leads to heart-ache. It's an illusion and nothing else.
norajane Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 EA's always start out as a compelling urge to flirt and lock eyes and share meaningful moments...and end in pain if continued. I broke my EA when I finally got to a place in my head where I wouldn't compromise any longer on what I really, truly wanted for myself: I wanted ALL the kisses to be for me, and with a MM, they never, ever, ever would be. Each time we locked eyes, I forced myself to remember: I want ALL the kisses to be for me. All of them. I did not want to SHARE a man with anyone, I didn't want to be second best, I wanted to come FIRST.
Guest Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I've been trying so hard to get over one because I know nothing good can come out of an affair between the two married people. The statement above in itself says it all. What I appreciate about your situation is that you are being honest and open with your feelings, and actively doing what you can to avoid this from turning into something disasterous. I have a friend who is in the same situation and although she is not having an affair, she has told me that both she and the coworker has expressed their feelings for each other and it has gotten to the point where this EA has caused friction in her marriage, she is having health problems due to stress, and her job performance has been so bad that she is hearing rumours that she is going to be fired. My advice to her was of course was to find another job. Although it can seemingly start out to be a very innocent refreshing way to endulge our fantasies as a sort of break from the realities of the relationships and responsibilities of our lives. There is a certain danger that lies in allowing ourselves to get too emotionally attached to another person besides our mates beyond the borders of friendship. We have an obligation to our mates not to allow any person or thing to interfere with that bond that we share with them. While engaging in an EA might not lead to a sexual relationship. It doesn't mean that it is ok. We have to ask ourselves individually: Will being in an EA contribute to us building a stronger relationship with our mates and solidifying the marriage bond?
Guest Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 The statement above in itself says it all. What I appreciate about your situation is that you are being honest and open with your feelings, and actively doing what you can to avoid this from turning into something disasterous. I have a friend who is in the same situation and although she is not having an affair, she has told me that both she and the coworker has expressed their feelings for each other and it has gotten to the point where this EA has caused friction in her marriage, she is having health problems due to stress, and her job performance has been so bad that she is hearing rumours that she is going to be fired. My advice to her was of course was to find another job. Although it can seemingly start out to be a very innocent refreshing way to endulge our fantasies as a sort of break from the realities of the relationships and responsibilities of our lives. There is a certain danger that lies in allowing ourselves to get too emotionally attached to another person besides our mates beyond the borders of friendship. We have an obligation to our mates not to allow any person or thing to interfere with that bond that we share with them. While engaging in an EA might not lead to a sexual relationship. It doesn't mean that it is ok. We have to ask ourselves individually: Will being in an EA contribute to us building a stronger relationship with our mates and solidifying the marriage bond? Thank You for your insight. It was very helpful
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