trebon Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 im breif my gf of 5 years left me out of the blue claiming a need for space. I almost at the same time discover shes getting very close to someone we both lost contact with a few years ago. She tells me we are no longer together because hes asked her out. She kissed him before we broke up but did the rest the night she told me we are over. anyway..... He's history a month later, and shes been out with her brother and sister drinknig and pulled guys at clubs and including her brothers best friend which annoyed everyone but she says she might try a relationship with him because there is noone else. In the mean time Im relegated to 'special' friend with no perks and more hostility than anyone else. She keeps saying that she hopes we can be fine and we can maybe try again when I get out of my state (I cryed the last 3 times I saw her because of her pretty eyes and her hair, and her hugs and tht every time i held her hand or something it may be the last time, etc. Shes magic ) I was there for her as a friedn when she split up with the first guy, i put myslef on call to help her out. I love her, she loves me (as she keeps saying) and she needed her best friend so i was there. and when she had money trouble on a night out, and when her dog was dying, etc. I get thanks and grattitude then but now those things are gone I get nothing. I got so low because I have noone to talk to and though about being very stupid but I had no energy to get out of bed unless it was for her so I am still very much here, but with pretty depression. I decided to give it one more go and I decided, tidy myself up, no more tears (tht she knows about anyway), find a new job and tick all the boxes so if she still turns me away I know ive given it my absolute best. I sent her a flower with a note to 'my best friednd' saying sometihng along the lines of 'sorry for being like this, I know its pushed you away and I am sorry. This is for a fresh start as best friedns for now.' She was really hapy with it and called immediatley to thank me. She said she felt bad for making me go through all of this. the next day shes back to hardly speaking to me and avoiding me online. So my question... Is there anything left there or is it in my head. I know im besotted and scared but im sure she really does care and is just avoiding me so i dont cry becasue tht clearly hurts us both. Could we ever just be friends with such a long history? Ive missed lots of detail so please ask and i'll clarify. please forgive me if its odd in places, as with my other post (Newbie!) it was written through tears and prob goes off tangent a lot!
Winfield Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Sounds to me as though she's maybe a little lost right now with what she wants from relationships having been in a long term relationship, and so is dipping her toe into the dating pool again. Hostility between "special friends"? First off, "special friend" is a bull****ty term, and this is reinforced by her actions - being hostile and providing no perks. Put it his way - would you put up with a hostile friendship if it were one of your male buddies? I thought not... I was there for her as a friedn when she split up with the first guy, i put myslef on call to help her out. I love her, she loves me (as she keeps saying) and she needed her best friend so i was there. and when she had money trouble on a night out, and when her dog was dying, etc. I get thanks and grattitude then but now those things are gone I get nothing. Why let her walk all over you like this? If you don't get the thanks or gratitude, she's taking you for granted - so why stick around? She's unappreciative of your concern, only crying on your shoulder when she's having a bad time, using you when it's convenient to her - is she there when you're having a hard time? I sent her a flower with a note to 'my best friednd' saying sometihng along the lines of 'sorry for being like this, I know its pushed you away and I am sorry. This is for a fresh start as best friedns for now.' She was really hapy with it and called immediatley to thank me. She said she felt bad for making me go through all of this. the next day shes back to hardly speaking to me and avoiding me online. Question - was the flower and note genuinely only to maintain friendship, or were you hoping for a better reaction? Whatever the motive, she was expressing strange behaviour on her part - but if she really wanted you to be her friend, she wouldn't be avoiding you! In my opinion, there's nothing left. If she really cared, she: a) would still be with you (it sucks, I know); b) wouldn't be all hostile towards you and; c) wouldn't be avoiding you. I don't believe that folks with history can have a mutual friendship - OK, some probably can, but I think they're in the minority. For most, I think the old feelings for each other are still ticking away at the back of the mind, with one party hoping that the relationship will get back on track... ...ah, more bother than it's all worth - better to keep things simple and uncomplicated! It seems that all she cares about is herself. Now it's time for you to take a leaf out of her book and care about yourself! Concentrate on that fresh start you set out to achieve, only this time without her. Good luck!
Author trebon Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 Thanks for the reply winfield. In reply to your question; the flower was supposed to be a sign that I was ready to try and be friends because we had met a lot recently and I had got all emotinal and ruined it and so i was kind of apologizing so that we could try and be friends without the tears. Obviously I would love for it to work and I know it prob wouldn't have as you said, but maybe we could be in that minority! But that was more of an afterthough. My main intention was to try and break down the hostile barrier a little. regards her looking out for me, I think in her odd way she is trying to reduce contact but it is coming across cold. that is why I am confused. It comes across as spiteful but I think there might be misguided affection behind it - if you know what I mean?
Winfield Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Thanks for the reply winfield. In reply to your question; the flower was supposed to be a sign that I was ready to try and be friends because we had met a lot recently and I had got all emotinal and ruined it and so i was kind of apologizing so that we could try and be friends without the tears. Obviously I would love for it to work and I know it prob wouldn't have as you said, but maybe we could be in that minority! But that was more of an afterthough. My main intention was to try and break down the hostile barrier a little. regards her looking out for me, I think in her odd way she is trying to reduce contact but it is coming across cold. that is why I am confused. It comes across as spiteful but I think there might be misguided affection behind it - if you know what I mean? I see where you're coming from, but if you were both destined to be the best of friends, I'd reckon that those barriers wouldn't be there in the first place. Sure, friends fall out and fall back in - but the added complication of having been an item at one time makes things just that little bit more awkward. I've had it with past girlfriends too, saying they want to be "friends" after a break-up. Hey, in an ideal world, that would be great but, this world isn't exactly ideal! So, having learned my lesson the hard way, I prefer to let them go completely. And my reason for not wanting to keep in touch? Because I'd rather not hear of what they're getting up to relationship-wise after we've parted. That, I think, would just make things worse (ie, the "grin and bear it" scenario when she tells you of her new love, while you're still searching). Hmm, sometimes no news is good news... And try not to look at her actions as being misguided affection - because if that isn't her motive (and, judging by your first post above, I don't think that's the case) all of your hopes and expectations will only be shattered again.
Guest Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Gee you only dated her for 5 years. Wow. and she didn't leave you before now? The way I see it you got 2 choices. If you are really in love with her ask her to marry you. If not then just count your lucky stars that you get the chance to go out with someone new. Now wipe your eyes blow your nose. and get a life.
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