nips5050 Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 I've dated this guy off and on for two years. Everytime we come close to having sex, he always stops things and says "I can't; I want to but I can't". I ask him why and he says "cuz I'll get too attached" or "you'll get attached" or "it'll change our relationship" but really I dont get it!!! I know he's been with many women. I even met one of these women recently who told me they had slept together a few times and I told her that we had come close and he'd always stopped it and she was stunned - she says, "He must be in love with you"!! which doesn't make sense. It is so weird to me!! He ALWAYS stops it. I've not met a guy like that. I don't get it! I recently ended it (for other reasons) but just out of curiosity, I was wondering what others thought of this. Help me understand guys!
scrybe74 Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 I've dated this guy off and on for two years. Everytime we come close to having sex, he always stops things and says "I can't; I want to but I can't". I ask him why and he says "cuz I'll get too attached" or "you'll get attached" or "it'll change our relationship" but really I dont get it!!! I know he's been with many women. I even met one of these women recently who told me they had slept together a few times and I told her that we had come close and he'd always stopped it and she was stunned - she says, "He must be in love with you"!! which doesn't make sense. It is so weird to me!! He ALWAYS stops it. I've not met a guy like that. I don't get it! I recently ended it (for other reasons) but just out of curiosity, I was wondering what others thought of this. Help me understand guys! This guy has some serious issues he needs to work out. I agree....he probably does love you. He probably loves you more than any other woman he's been with before. But .....he has somehow linked the act of having sex with a woman with a bad feeling or experience. In other words....He may have you on a pedastal and sleeps with girsl he thinks are in the 'gutter'. He needs to get his head straight. He probably has commitment issues and is afraid of getting real with someone. You deserve better. I'm not sure if you love him or not or if he's worth waiting for but he needs to realize that the woman he loves, he can love her physically as well. He may need counseling or a good talking to but...who knows if he'll change. You might be better off moving on for good.
Buttaflyy Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Are you sure that the reason you broke up with him has nothing to do with this at all? To me it sounds like he either doesn't want a serious relationship, and he respects you enough not to sleep with you if he can't be committed to you. Or, he's afraid of you. Not you, but a relationship with you. (I know that did not come out right:o Hope you understand what I meant. Either way, I'd be glad that I didn't give him any.
Author nips5050 Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 This guy has some serious issues he needs to work out. I agree....he probably does love you. He probably loves you more than any other woman he's been with before. But .....he has somehow linked the act of having sex with a woman with a bad feeling or experience. In other words....He may have you on a pedastal and sleeps with girsl he thinks are in the 'gutter'. He needs to get his head straight. He probably has commitment issues and is afraid of getting real with someone. You deserve better. I'm not sure if you love him or not or if he's worth waiting for but he needs to realize that the woman he loves, he can love her physically as well. He may need counseling or a good talking to but...who knows if he'll change. You might be better off moving on for good. Gosh - that is so funny what you said cuz that is what his best friend and brother told me (they both told me this on two separate occasions). They are a huge reason why I cut it off. They told me that they havent seen him talk about or feel the way he does for a woman like he does me and that he treats me different than other women (from what they see)...that he was in love with me (like you said, he has me on a pedestal) but that he had too many issues to work out and he's not going to treat me the way I deserve until he deals with them and they both told me to walk away because everytime I step back into the picture, it's like telling him it's okay to not deal with his problems. So i walked away. I do love him. I've been in love with him for a long time but I'm also fed up and deserve better. When I told him that I was done with him a month ago, he FLIPPED out on me. I was shocked cuz usually he just responds with a "whatever" and drops it. He told me he needs counsling but he hasn't acted on it cuz "it's too expensive". I told him that was a copp out and there are ways. Anyway, it's hard but it's gotten easier to walk away.
Author nips5050 Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 Are you sure that the reason you broke up with him has nothing to do with this at all? To me it sounds like he either doesn't want a serious relationship, and he respects you enough not to sleep with you if he can't be committed to you. Or, he's afraid of you. Not you, but a relationship with you. (I know that did not come out right:o Hope you understand what I meant. Either way, I'd be glad that I didn't give him any. Oh yeah...I ended it for a million reasons, really. LOL I know what you mean...he's told me that (the fear thing). I'm glad I didnt sleep with him either. I am a woman, afterall, and adding sex to the picture would have made it harder when it ended.
basscatcher Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 I've dated this guy off and on for two years. Everytime we come close to having sex, he always stops things and says "I can't; I want to but I can't". I ask him why and he says "cuz I'll get too attached" or "you'll get attached" or "it'll change our relationship" but really I dont get it!!! I know he's been with many women. I even met one of these women recently who told me they had slept together a few times and I told her that we had come close and he'd always stopped it and she was stunned - she says, "He must be in love with you"!! which doesn't make sense. It is so weird to me!! He ALWAYS stops it. I've not met a guy like that. I don't get it! I recently ended it (for other reasons) but just out of curiosity, I was wondering what others thought of this. Help me understand guys! OMG Sounds like the guy I've reacquainted myself with. He stops also. He and I have a history from last summer which was very intimate and now he calls me and wants me to sleep next to him and let him hold me all night with no sex.. He wishes I could be emotionally stronger and not want more. He believes having sex with me will make me want more from him and he said once he starts having sex he will want it ALL the time and he won't want to stop. LOL (this is true. I know this first hand--energizer bunny.). Then he told me on another occasion that he just isnt that interested in sex at this point in his life. WTH? Yet he is verbally opening up to me more and more about his life.? He is very affectionate, loving, sweet and kind, he will gaze into my eyes for a long long period of time and kiss me so tenderly. The physical chemestry is there and its off the charts but he won't have sex.. So my situation with a guy is similiar. I know he has issues he needs to deal with. He is a man who is always working on bettering himself and checking his belief systems. He is always growing and always keeps himself busy. I really want to be with this guy but he and I don't formally date--never have--he is amazingly intelligent and funny. I absolutely adore him. Yet he won't allow himself to let his guard down with me.. You have more power giving up you guy then I do.. I move about my life without plans for him in it and I take what he gives me because I don't want to fully let go of him in my life. (I tried this before and I couldn't get him out of my head).. Power to you Nips.... I wish I could just walk away. I see him whenever and I go about my life meeting other people. Hoping to meet the right man who can break this spell and remove the power he has over me..
scrybe74 Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 OMG Sounds like the guy I've reacquainted myself with. He stops also. He and I have a history from last summer which was very intimate and now he calls me and wants me to sleep next to him and let him hold me all night with no sex.. He wishes I could be emotionally stronger and not want more. He believes having sex with me will make me want more from him and he said once he starts having sex he will want it ALL the time and he won't want to stop. LOL (this is true. I know this first hand--energizer bunny.). Then he told me on another occasion that he just isnt that interested in sex at this point in his life. WTH? Yet he is verbally opening up to me more and more about his life.? He is very affectionate, loving, sweet and kind, he will gaze into my eyes for a long long period of time and kiss me so tenderly. The physical chemestry is there and its off the charts but he won't have sex.. So my situation with a guy is similiar. I know he has issues he needs to deal with. He is a man who is always working on bettering himself and checking his belief systems. He is always growing and always keeps himself busy. I really want to be with this guy but he and I don't formally date--never have--he is amazingly intelligent and funny. I absolutely adore him. Yet he won't allow himself to let his guard down with me.. You have more power giving up you guy then I do.. I move about my life without plans for him in it and I take what he gives me because I don't want to fully let go of him in my life. (I tried this before and I couldn't get him out of my head).. Power to you Nips.... I wish I could just walk away. I see him whenever and I go about my life meeting other people. Hoping to meet the right man who can break this spell and remove the power he has over me.. Hey...I don't fault you at all for sticking around. These guys you ladies are describing may have issues but they are 100 times better than the men who'll sleep with you but won't commit....or worse. At least in this scenario I don't see either of you degrading yourselves for his sake or giving up something precious just to be close. I really hope things get better for you Pada!
basscatcher Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Hey...I don't fault you at all for sticking around. These guys you ladies are describing may have issues but they are 100 times better than the men who'll sleep with you but won't commit....or worse. At least in this scenario I don't see either of you degrading yourselves for his sake or giving up something precious just to be close. I really hope things get better for you Pada! We are not children he is 40 and I'm 37.. We have had sex in the past and it has happened once in the past two months but Its still very confusing and frustrating. I'm possitive he isn't involved with anyone else. He is way to busy and doesn't have the patience to deal with another woman and teach her to understand him as much as I do.. (Sorry for highjacking your thread NIPs but maybe by me wondering and asking questions about this type of man will produce some suggestions for us to understand--using my situation also.)
nicki Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 I dated/hung around with a guy in college who, for a whole year, never made a move on me. I decided he just wanted to be friends, so I dated others casually during the same time. Then I found someone else to date exclusively. Later, I learned he was very upset that I started dating (and sleeping) with someone else. Go figure. I would have loved to take it to a physical level. Shy? Who knows. From then on, I decided to jump any shy guy I wanted to sleep with. It worked for me. No confusion there. I'm too sexual to wait that long, (unless I'm already in a relationship and there's a sudden situation where he can't....not had that happen, whew!) Don't know what to say. Just figured you were collecting stories.
Author nips5050 Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 (Sorry for highjacking your thread NIPs but maybe by me wondering and asking questions about this type of man will produce some suggestions for us to understand--using my situation also.) Hey, no prob. It's nice to know others can relate on some level!! (Btw, from MN here too! ) It's just weird to me cuz I'm used to guys pressuring me to have sex with them (which I dont cuz I'm not that kind of girl - I've only been with 2 guys and I'm 28) and to know he sleeps/slept with other girls but not me...I just don't get it. But what you guys have said does make a lot of sense...hope more people post their opinions!!!
john1776 Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 I think you should have been grateful that you found a man who is not interested in having sex all the time. Yes he might be afraid and that's why he stops before getting to that point but at least you can say that he's a faithful gentleman and he's not just using you for sex. That's a real man right there. A real man does not get into a relationship just for sex. I think you gave up a gem. Who knows? A few months from now you'll post a thread complaining that your new boyfriend wants sex 18 hours a day 6 days a week. You'll complain that his only agenda is to get in your pants. Now you tell me which is worse? A boyfriend who's only agneda is to get in your pants? Or a guy who is hesitant about taking that step in the relationship? I think your ex was a responsible man. Look on the bright side. He didn't get you pregnant. Maybe he feared getting you pregnant as well and he was not ready to have children. Alot of guys don't think of those consequences. They only care about immediate gratification.
RecordProducer Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 I've dated this guy off and on for two years. Two years and he hasn't made love with you? And you know for sure that he doesn't have any medical problems and is not in love with someone else or gay? she says, "He must be in love with you"!! I'd say he doesn't like you enough. Sorry. You would be wasting your time with him anyway. Who needs a guy who doesn't want sex?
UnknowingOW Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 He's gay...move on. (not to offend anyone that is gay...cause there's no problem with that)
Author nips5050 Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 I think you gave up a gem.QUOTE] haha I have to laugh at that cuz there's so much more to him than that and I can guarantee you that I did not give up a gem. (altho in some ways it feels like it but for the most part, no). I do agree, tho, that he did treat me like a gentleman would when it came to sex...but in no other way did he treat me like a gentleman would. THose things are what made it easy to end, not the sex part.
Heavenseventeen Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 I think you should have been grateful that you found a man who is not interested in having sex all the time. Yes he might be afraid and that's why he stops before getting to that point but at least you can say that he's a faithful gentleman and he's not just using you for sex. That's a real man right there. A real man does not get into a relationship just for sex. I think you gave up a gem. Who knows? A few months from now you'll post a thread complaining that your new boyfriend wants sex 18 hours a day 6 days a week. You'll complain that his only agenda is to get in your pants. Now you tell me which is worse? A boyfriend who's only agneda is to get in your pants? Or a guy who is hesitant about taking that step in the relationship? I think your ex was a responsible man. Look on the bright side. He didn't get you pregnant. Maybe he feared getting you pregnant as well and he was not ready to have children. Alot of guys don't think of those consequences. They only care about immediate gratification. I find myself agreeing with you. If a woman wasn't ready, she wouldn't be forced. So why should the man jump to it when the woman is ready? He has obviously been all over town, so now he wants to know you on a personal level, unlike with the other girls/women he was with. Maybe he needs emotional help, but now there's no one to give it to him.
john1776 Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 One of the problems with my ex was that she wanted sex more often than I did. I wish I could find a woman who was not in the mood for it so much. There's plenty of guys out there who have the opposite problem. They have a higher sex drive than their girlfriends or wives. They post threads here saying "wife doesn't want sex because she's tired". The advice that these men are given is to just be patient with her. But if it was the husband or boyfriend who had low sex drive, the advice these women get here is to just dump him. Double standard big time!
Author nips5050 Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 He has obviously been all over town, so now he wants to know you on a personal level, unlike with the other girls/women he was with. Maybe he needs emotional help, but now there's no one to give it to him. Yea, partly why I ended it is because he would do this rollercoaster thing. We would start seeing each other and everything would be going amazing and then just out of the blue he would be pull away. For example, this one time we had this amazing day (a few mths of amazing days, really) and then I went to work for like 4 hrs,came back to his house and he was like, "Im not good enough for you. You deserve better." He did this a MILLION times. Then he'd miss me and we'd start at it again. Along with this, there were some other 'games' that I couldn't deal with and that were hurtful to me. So, this last time I decided I couldn't do it. So I ended it before he could. Everyone in my life is proud of me and I know if i started talking to him again I'd get shot by most of my friends/family. haha He's right, I do deserve better. Like you said I should, I tried to support him emotionally but he would always bring it to a different level. I made it claer i'd be there for him (as a friend) and he would always bring it to a higher level and it just wasnt working. He needs a wake up call and support but it cant be me. I dont have the emotional strength to deal with all that anymore...not after 2 years of it. I love him too much on a different level.
Starr1 Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 I'd say he doesn't like you enough. Sorry. You would be wasting your time with him anyway. Who needs a guy who doesn't want sex? Believe it or not, there are plenty of heterosexual guys out there who simply see sex as a very small part of a relationship. Being one of them, I can honestly say I'd rather be part of a relationship full of love that lasts till death with no sex than a relationship that lasts for 2 or 3 years that includes plenty of sex and ends bitterly. As another person said, if a woman doesn't want sex, the general advice is to be patient with her, if a guy doesn't want sex, dump him, DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT, DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT
john1776 Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Believe it or not, there are plenty of heterosexual guys out there who simply see sex as a very small part of a relationship. Being one of them, I can honestly say I'd rather be part of a relationship full of love that lasts till death with no sex than a relationship that lasts for 2 or 3 years that includes plenty of sex and ends bitterly. As another person said, if a woman doesn't want sex, the general advice is to be patient with her, if a guy doesn't want sex, dump him, DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT, DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT Amen to that. A real man does not need sex to be happy. If I get sex then that's just icing on the cake and so much for the better otherwise I can pleasure myself through masturbation. I can pleasure myself just fine without another woman. If she wants to help me out then again that's icing on the cake. If she wants to help me out all the time then that's too much for me. I am also one of those guys who knows how to appreciate a romantic relationship with mediocre sex or no sex at all. Nonsexual affection is more fun. I'm not gay. I'm not in love with another woman. Alot of women will assume that I'm sleeping with someone else if I'm not into them sexually when that is just not the case. Alot of people can't imagine or understand the freedom that I posess with the fact that I can give myself all the pleasure in the world that I need and want. That's one of the reasons sex toys are on sale. If your partner is not in the mood then just use a vibrator!
john1776 Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Anyway I just feel an incredible sense of freedom knowing that I'm not desperately depending on any woman to meet my sexual needs. Really the best person that can love you and pleasure you is yourself. Depending on oneself to meet all needs is real freedom. I feel like the world is mine!
nicki Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 But, Starr, wait TWO years? I can see waiting several months while getting to know someone's heart and mind....but TWO years? Something is wrong. Could be: 1. He's gay 2. He has intimacy/sexual issues 3. He has an undisclosed medical condition All of the above are problems.
Author nips5050 Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 But, Starr, wait TWO years? I can see waiting several months while getting to know someone's heart and mind....but TWO years? Something is wrong. Could be: 1. He's gay 2. He has intimacy/sexual issues 3. He has an undisclosed medical condition All of the above are problems. Two things to that (at least for my situation). First, it was OFF AND ON for two years. Second, he has slept with many other women (casual sex, not relationships). He told me he didn't respect women that 'sleep around' but that he had more respect for me because I wasnt that way. (he has issues with women - his mother abandoned him at an early age so I know this has a lot to do with his perspective on women and how he treats them - i know this from personal experience cuz i was abandoned by my dad). One of the girls he slept with, I know has slept with many men (per her) and she was stunned that he didnt sleep with me. It just seems weird to me that a guy wouldnt sleep with a woman he respected but he'd sleep with other women he DIDN'T respect. Honestly, everytime he stopped it I felt that he had a huge amount of respect for me but it just didnt line up with his previous experiences with other women.
Author nips5050 Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 We hadn't talked in a while and he was trying to weasle his way back into my life (back in May) and I wanted nothing to do with it and finally I started talking to him again and I decided to stop it. A few weeks later he called me and said he needed to talk to me (which surprised me cuz he is really good at pushing me away for long periods of time). We got together and he proceeded to appolgoize for hurting me in the past and for treating me so crappy. He told me that he doesnt have many women in his life that he respects and to push me out of his life, he felt, was a mistake. He then told me how he needs help but he doesnt know how to go about it. He has NEVER appologized to me. That was a HUGE deal for him. I know that...I could tell it was hard for him cuz two weeks before that when I ended it he screamed, "I dont need no women...**** all you women...u are all the same way...I've gotten by without women my entire life, losing you aint gonna be abig deal". (obvious mommy issues) Well, anyway that night he appologized, I took most of the night to think about it but in the meantime we just hung out (cuz I absolutely love being around him and couldn't resist to at least hang out) and we got kinda drunk and ended up screwing around and almost slept together and then he stopped it saying "he couldn't". And I lay there, dumbfounded. Not cuz I really wanted to sleep with him but his previous expereinces with sex told me that he wouldnt say no....but with me, differnet story. WEIRD!!
ridingthebulls Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 i think he is embarrassed about something. like maybe he isn't circumsized, or maybe he has a small one.. could be a million of reasons. You should make sure "he" even has a dick before you continue the relationship.
RecordProducer Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Nips, I read all your posts and now I definitely realize what the whole situation is about - he loves you and respects you as a friend, likes you sexually, but not enough to be in a relationship with you. The mom thing only makes things complicated for him, but nothing in this world would have stopped him from sleeping with you if he were really into you 100%. He just didn't want to hurt you. Stop analizing things so much and forget him. When you're over him, when you fall in love with someone else, you can be friends with him. Some day you will see that I was right.
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