9Lives Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 I am no stranger to this madness I find myself stuck it. I just cant seem to understand why he wont just let me go. I mean....no I am not being held hostage but I guess I think it would be eaiser if we just agreed together to end it and he wont do it....I have proposed it to him several time. He told me Yes I still do but I have so much to think about. Like today, I told him....if he has changed his mind about getting a divorce just say so. I said do you want a divorce still? If the answer is no...it will be fine...if it is i dont know...that is fine too.....of course yes goes with out saying........I told him I wont be angry because we have had a good time for the most part. I also offered today to just take a break for about a month......he wont even answer that......He just says I am getting on his nerves and wont simply answer the questions......it is drving me bananas. I dont know why he wont just agree to let it go....I get on his nerves alot lately. I know I do.
newbby Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 IT SEEMS to me, that he doesnt want to give you any answer because. answer: yes i want to divorce, means commitment and responsibility, for leading you on answer: no, means you will probably move on answer: i dont know, means more questions he will only be annoyed because you are putting him in a position of having to answer. i think you cannot rely on him to be a decision maker, or even to give you anything solid to base your own decisions on. it will probably always be this way, if you are not happy with that, then leave, if you are happy with what you have now, no questions asked, then stay.
Author 9Lives Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 Newby This is the strangest thing. If he said no: I would be like okay....it was fun and I can move on. If he said "I dont know":......I would be okay....and move on. He said Yes...so I said....lets take break......he now avoids the question. I have feeling that you are right....it will be up to me to make the decision but Newby, it would be so much easier if he did. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me. I love him and I cant seem to just walk away. I wanted us to do it together. I just dont understand myself when it comes to this. Help me.
yesmaybe Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Men don't respond well to emotional pressure. Whether he is a MM, or your man, or your brother, co-workers, etc.. If you want him to make a decision, stop nagging him. Just because you say the same thing over and over again, doesn't mean he'll suddenly decide, "wow...she's talking about this subject alot...this must be important...I must answer her." Instead, he'll get a huge mental resistance. I know this all too well - I used to nag the hell out of my MM. I'm notorious amongst friends, family as being very demanding, argumentative. MM finally told me, "your nagging makes me want to go home and read a book. I just want to escape." And then I wised up. It was tough, and I'm still learning. But I've definitely made a lot of progress in that area. When I stopped putting emotional pressure on him, our relationship started to blossom.
newbby Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 9lives, what do YOU want? i dont think that asking where the relationship is heading for him, is the equivalent of nagging.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Why are you giving him so much power? If you don't want to be in this mess, then take the control back, and end it. For your own sanity! Don't wait around, waiting for him to decide "if he wants to end it.." He hasn't divorced and isn't giving you a straight answer. My guess is, he isn't really planning on a divorce, though he isn't going to tell you that...He'll hint that he is, or might, but all in all, he wants to hang on to you! So, don't let him! End it now.
Sami_D Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Why are you giving him so much power? If you don't want to be in this mess, then take the control back, and end it. For your own sanity! Don't wait around, waiting for him to decide "if he wants to end it.." He hasn't divorced and isn't giving you a straight answer. My guess is, he isn't really planning on a divorce, though he isn't going to tell you that...He'll hint that he is, or might, but all in all, he wants to hang on to you! So, don't let him! End it now. 9lives, this is exactly what I would say, too. You don't have to wait for him to 'agree to end it' or 'let you go'. YOU decide what is right for you in this, and then do it. To yesmaybe, I would say, that no, many men don't like to be "put under pressure" (I'd say it depends what they see as pressure... a conversation? oooh poor them!). And that's fine if you (the woman) is happy with sitting around and waiting for developments just when the man feels ready. But there has to be a balance. And when a man is MARRIED, it's only good sense to ask whether or not, and WHEN he intends to get Divorced! If a MM is refusing to answer those important questions, refusing to have conversations that are SO vital to the OW (the OW who wants a relationship with a D man, that is), and being Rude in the process "making me want to go home and read a book!" HA! So go home and read your book! Who wants to pander to that kind of man?
Sami_D Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 IT SEEMS to me, that he doesnt want to give you any answer because. answer: yes i want to divorce, means commitment and responsibility, for leading you on answer: no, means you will probably move on answer: i dont know, means more questions he will only be annoyed because you are putting him in a position of having to answer. i think you cannot rely on him to be a decision maker, or even to give you anything solid to base your own decisions on. it will probably always be this way, if you are not happy with that, then leave, if you are happy with what you have now, no questions asked, then stay. Ditto this reply. Many MM will say and do just enough to keep the OW hanging on for just as long as possible. His not wanting to engage in the conversation seems to me that he's not being honest with you about his true intentions (or his inability to act on what he wants, if he truly wants to leave).
BUTAFLY Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 9lives, These ladies know what they are talking about-Heed their words. I know its gut wrenchingly hard. My ex-mm would call me and say things like," I can't believe your braking up with me. I'm confused give me time, I don't want to loose you." It made it so hard for me to let go but I suck to my conviction's. I refused to be put into an unfavorly postion. I did't take calls, erased vm before I could listen, blocked him from my email. when I saw him at work he would test me by walking past my desk 6-7x's, I wouldn't even bat an eye. (But when he was out of sight i would crumble.) prove to him and yourself how strong you are, that you can not be manipulated, take a stand and stick with it. I know you have it in you.
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