navybrat Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Hello Everyone! I am new to this Website. Met my ex boyfriend, via mutual friends in April 2004. Began dating seriously in July 2004. Had a wonderful eight month relationship! I thought we were both on the "same page." Obviously not! He broke up with me after a very minor argument in April 2005. It was COMPLETELY out of the blue. No, there was no one else, etc. It was his "anxiety, etc." Very minimal contact during the Summer of 2005 (Birthday Parties, etc. for Mutual Friends, etc.). Then we "became friends" at his request. Well, this was "easy" for me, because of course, I secretly wanted him back and figured he would come to his senses! Well, he did not share my sentiments, and he made this very clear. So, I told him that I could not be friends with him and he was quite sad. In September of 2005 he stated how much he missed me and was willing to give us another try, but that we would "go slow." Of course, I agreed! I was so happy to have this "wonderful" guy back! He claimed his feelings were "coming back" for me. Little did I know that he was completely using me just to fulfill his selfish needs of just having me around. Although he claimed to be my "boyfriend" again, there was very little/ non-existant intimacy, etc. Meanwhile, I kept hoping/thinking it would "get better", etc. Eventually, in April 2006 I smartened up and ended things after he said that he did not see marriage to me on his "radar screen." (We are 33) He was sad, of course, to lose me, but not in the same sense, that I felt I was losing him. I saw him at a mutual friends "going away" party, three weeks ago for the first time since our breakup. I had told myself before that evening that I was going to not even look his way, etc. Well, in my attempt to be the "in control" and "strong" girl, who is no longer hurting, I approached him to say "hello." He was so cold and akward and it just hurt my feelings all over again. Then, he left without saying good - bye later in the evening. I wanted to kick myself the next morning for approaching him at all! Friends say that he is worried that I am still hurting, etc, hence the reason he is "cold" to me. He doesn't want to give me "false hopes", etc. And that he thinks we'll be friends "down the road." I don't think this "friend" thing is going to work. Nothing I do, whether ignoring him, or attempting to be friendly, will work. It's just too hurtful to have someone you love, treat you like any other stranger on the street! Plus, why do I want to be friends with anyone who can act like this to someone they once "loved." And as many of you have said: How can we be friends with someone who, point blank, to our faces, tell us that we're not "good enough" to be their significant others and that they don't want us. I don't want "second place!" So, I have decided I NEVER want to see him again! Not EVER! So, my question is, how do I handle future outings with our mutual friends? Each week, at least two emails go out with all of our names on it, from friends getting everyone together for Happy Hours, etc. I have politely declined each one, even if I don't have plans. I would rather sit home, watch reruns, before I subject myself to further "abuse!" I think I am doing the right thing? And my friends, if they are "true friends", will understand, right? Let me just say also that since we have dated, he has been "in control" of our relationship. He has called the shots...when we dated, when we broke up, when we got "back together", etc. By me declining outings when I know he will be there, certainly gives me some much needed empowerment and control of my own!!!!!! I think for me, this is the only way to truly "get over" him once and for all. And I will perhaps, attend future outings when I have truly moved on, etc...but for now, I hope I am doing the right thing! Hugs to you all! Have a great weekend, Everyone!
LaraV Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Ugh. I have the same problem - or rather will, once my last year of grad school starts. My plan is to avoid, avoid, avoid as much as possible being in the same vicinity as him. But I know at times it will be impossible, and I do wonder what it is that I'm supposed to do in those situations that are just impossible to avoid.
trebon Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Those situations are impossible to avoid but if you know that he will be there and you could avoid talking to him (at parties, etc) then go with your friends and keep a distance. Although you feel in control by not going, surely he would see you as more empowered if you could go out with your friends and he could see you happy without him. I think that would be the best medicine for you. I have been in a position where I chose the reruns over friends and eventually the friends gave up on me because they knew id never go out they no longer asked - dont let your friendships get tarnished, use them to your advantage! Good luck
luvtoto Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Navybrat, welcome to LS! Nicely worded post by the way. This guy has been leading you on from the get-go. Then, for him to say, he doesn't want to hurt you anymore. Classic. Come here...go away...come here...go away. He sounds selfish and doesn't give a dang about your feelings. I think avoiding him at all costs is your best option. Little harder than it sounds though. Trust me, I know. But, from what I've learned from LS advice is to protect yourself at all costs. Even if it means burning a few bridges. Uh, good thing he's not your co-worker. Whew!
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