Rudy Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 It makes sense - as in I see the logic behind your reasoning. Hmm. I could go into an entire philosophical discussion about this, but that would need its own thread. I'll have to think about this one... I guess I just wonder if it's healthy to remain friends, despite your promise. One way to interpret her reluctance to make contact with you, is, indeed, the reasoning that she's having "issues" that she needs to take care of. But have you also thought about the possibility that she doesn't want your help/friendship through this? I'm sure you've thought about it, and I guess I'm just curious as to how in all of this your reasoning remains positive. I get what you're saying about her not being a bad person and all. I feel the exact way about my ex. Hmm, yeah, I gotta think about that one.... I agree....this one could go into deep discussion. :-) As far as being healthy.....yes, for me it is because I can seperate the two. As in I have accepted the fact the relationship is over and that I can go on being just her friend. In doing so, I have no motives for trying to get her back. Have I ruled out getting back with her should she decide she made a mistake? No, but I am also not saying I would get back with her either. That would be a very long discussion between the two of us and alot of thinking and praying before I could make such a decision. In her current state, I do not see that happening any time soon, if ever. Thus, I am not sitting around hoping that it does but instead moving on. Yes, I have also thought that maybe she does not want my help/friendship during this time. If that is true, it's ok. It is her decision and one that I have no control over. I also know there is nothing I can say or do that would change her mind. It was her wish that we would remain friends but at the same time, she is treating me the same way as when we were together. It's almost like she has not totally let go of the relationship. It's weird. Only she knows the reasons and due to her behavior, I am giving her all the space she needs but will be there for her if she ever needs me. As for staying positive. I am just that type of person I guess. Also, I know I treated her well in all aspects of the relationship. We work through those times when we were not on the same page and move forward. I know I did everything I could to maintain a successful, happy, fulfilling relationship. I don't know what more I could have done and I have no regrets. Why she made that decision? I guess the truth will remain a mystery.
johnnytable Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 The thing that I like about my friends is that I can feel 100% comfortable around them. I can say whatever I want to them without feeling like they are going to judge me or stop spending time with me. I know that I can be there for them. I know that they can be there for me. I'm happy when they have new love and they are happy when I have new love. I don't need to maintain them. I can go weeks without talking and pickup the phone to call without any weird feelings. I don't sit around wondering why they aren't calling me, but I know it isn't about ME but rather they are just busy or doing something else. I don't feel like having sex with them, and they aren't wanting to have sex with me. There is no sexual tension. I can't imagine having the above qualities with an ex, at least without a very significant amount of time (years) passing. The effort involved would be so great and the payoff so little that it does not seem worth it. There is no NC with a friend. A friend is simply a friend. An ex is simply an ex.
Violet87 Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 Most times you cannot remain friends with an ex, without there being some sort of lingering feelings from one side. This is especially true immediately following a break-up. Instead of being friends, I think you should distance yourself from her. I tried being friends after a breakup and it didn't work (long story). I do think being friends with an ex is possible, although usually somewhere down the road after you both have moved on.
In Sync Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 If you were friends during your relationship with them from the beginning why did you break up with your ex...so why would are you able to stay friends once you break up... my point remains th same it's an illusion. In order not to feel the full blow of pain you delay it by settling for wanting to be "friends." And when someone new appears in your life that concept of friendship with the ex will vanish rapidly, beause a new relationship allows each of us to grow and change which eventually will conflict with being the same person you were with the ex. You feel the change and don't want to be reminded of the past.
Author loveinlife Posted July 28, 2006 Author Posted July 28, 2006 I believe she is the one who is in a relationship, that I found out three months ago. But lately she's been calling me and wants to be friends with me. Any comments on that?
In Sync Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I believe she is the one who is in a relationship, that I found out three months ago. But lately she's been calling me and wants to be friends with me. Any comments on that? It is totally irrelevent that she has a bf...she's an ex. And by maintaining any form of contact causes you heartache. She's calling you because she sense that something is not right so she wasnts to confirm and convince and influnece you to the point that you can't think clearly and think "it's ok that I hurt despite the fact she has a bf" Breakups with a former love will leave your head so twisted that you are willing to put up with any discomfort and begin to accept a crappy feeling to stay in their world. Use your common sense. It doesn't matter that she wants to be your friend. Ok, let me describe a situation to make a point. Let's you a friend offers you a snort of cocaine after you had decided to quit doing drugs altogether...would you say 'well she wants to be friends with me and was only offering me a little line...' what would be the difference? everything that is offered to you is not all the time a good thing.
LaraV Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Ok, let me describe a situation to make a point. Let's you a friend offers you a snort of cocaine after you had decided to quit doing drugs altogether...would you say 'well she wants to be friends with me and was only offering me a little line...' what would be the difference? everything that is offered to you is not all the time a good thing. Ha! Good analogy! But it is true what you're saying - not everything that is offered to you is necessarily a good thing. One thing that's been helping me is to look at things with a sense of pride. For instance, I think the best I have to offer someone is my love. Of course, the expectation is that I get that in return from the other person. If I'm not getting that - the big prize - why would I settle for "crumbs" of friendship as the consolation prize? In any case, it really is like In Sync says, it's an illusion. That kind of friendship is artificial and too pre-scripted. A real friendship isn't like that.
Ariadne Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Hi, Is it a good idea to be friends with an ex if they have moved on, but you still have some feelings? It depends on what you are comfortable with. If it's ok with you to be friends with someone whom you'd like to be more than friends with, while still respecting his boundaries, you are fine. He'll also have to be comfortable acknowledging that you are going to be desiring and maybe pushing for more at times, which is natural when you like someone. Ariadne
agnf666 Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Well, me and my ex has been broken up for 6 months now. We finally talked the other day. We hung out together with another friend and caught up on old times. It was pretty nice. He was really nice and asked me about things in the past and stuff. Alot of things that I never thought he would have remembered. Ask way too many questions about current boyfriend but it is all good. So, If you want to be friends with your ex then it can happen. You just have to make sure you are over the jealous stage, so that if you see them with another girl/ or guy it is not going to hurt you too bad.
In Sync Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 So, If you want to be friends with your ex then it can happen. You just have to make sure you are over the jealous stage, so that if you see them with another girl/ or guy it is not going to hurt you too bad. True it's possible to have that friendship...but often when people are asking can they be friends on this thread it's mostly coming from the inner voice that's saying thats feelings are still there for their ex and pangs of jealousy are bound to arise. Intellectually you'll say you are not jealous because no one really likes to admit to feeling jealous. But in your heart you know that if that ex starts up with a new love interest you don't feel good about it. I maintain that if you come out of a breakup and one is still harboring feelings maintaining a frienship is a from of not wanting to let go. People would rather deny those feeling and feign they are ok and can handle a "friendship" but then don't understand why they still are not healed. It's prolonging a needless suffering.
chocolate_boy Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Is it a good idea to be friends with an ex if they have moved on, but you still have some feelings? I think after some time you can, but it can be an odd friendship, I am close friends with two exs, one of whom I do still have some feelings for, but in many ways its more of a very deep caring feeling, and a desire for them to be happy, than pining for them etc. So it can lead to some quite beautiful friendships if you're both fine with it, and enough time has passed.
Author loveinlife Posted July 30, 2006 Author Posted July 30, 2006 Hey Chocolate, I really understand what you are saying. The thing is that I am going through the same situation. It is really tough to be friends with them when you still have some feelings. Also, i do feel that I just want her to be happy and have her grow inside as a person to self happiness. I guess it was real love i felt with her or maybe my first love cause I never have tried another love with someone else. Thanks for all the comments from everyone. Every comments were appreciated.
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