loveinlife Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Is it a good idea to be friends with an ex if they have moved on, but you still have some feelings?
Chinook Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Is it a good idea to be friends with an ex if they have moved on, but you still have some feelings? Absolutely not a good idea at all. You still have some feelings, I can guarantee it that those feelings will (a) get worse (b) bite your backside at inappropriate moments © hurt you more than you already are doing Take it from someone who had no choice but to maintain friendly contact for nearly two years now. It doesn't work. It can't work until you are both in an equal place of not caring either way. Whilst one person still cares, there will always be pain in some form. It's hard but for me, I can't wait to initiate the true period of 'no contact' once my house legal issues are sorted out. I can't wait to disappear from his life.
Author loveinlife Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 Wow, I can see that its hard to be friends with an ex from what you are describing. Its been about a year for me keeping this friendly contact. How can my ex want to be friends with me? I don't get how she can do that. I mean my feelings are hurt everytime I keep contact with her, just by listening to her voice. Good luck to you Chinook! I guess we will both do NC with our ex around the same time.
Chinook Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 How can my ex want to be friends with me? I don't get how she can do that. I mean my feelings are hurt everytime I keep contact with her, just by listening to her voice. I guess, the harsh answer is that she can do it because she doesn't give a damn about your feelings anymore. She doesn't have any feelings at stake so she isn't putting herself at risk of losing anything by remaining friends with you. She doesn't care that her impact on you may hurt. She probably doesn't even think about it. In fact, I would imagine she can't fathom why it is all so painful for you still - simply because she's selfish and has no clue how much you loved her and how contact with her hurts you. That's how it happens. One individual will always invest more than the other. One of the two will always be in a position of power. It's up to you to take that power back from her and utilise it for yourself to heal.
trebon Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Its tough because you would both being friends for different reasons. She would be purely offering it as a consolation to you and she can do that because as chinook said, she has nothing at stake and nothing to loose. Where as you would be hoping that more could come from it. When I did this and we saw each other a lot I took false hope from it and got more hurt. Then you break down and cry because she's done her hair that way or her eyes are dancing like they used to with you. Eventually this could happen in her presence and she pities you but offers nothign you are hoping for. this is worse than the inital rejection because it is hard to see a way to go from there. That is when you realise that you are better off out of there. It wont get better until she is gone for sure. Sorry if it sounds a bit harsh but it's a raw nerve so my feelings are kinda strong on this point. Good luck
Author loveinlife Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 Thanks for reality check from everyone. Lots of great advices. Bc I loved her the way she is, it would be hard for me like trebon said to see "she's done her hair that way or her eyes are dancing like they used to with you." Thanks!
nips5050 Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Yea - bad idea. I tried it with my ex. I went on a date and he got really jealous. So jealous that when he knew I'd be dancing at this particular place, he showed up with a girl to get back at me (and of course I got really jealous). (we obviously both still have feleings for each other) He also says "lets just be friends" and then he would start treating me like a girlfriend again...i couldn't handle that....confused my emotions too much. I'd rather not have him in my life than to have to deal with the emotional rollercoaster. I deserve better than that. sure, I miss him to death and there are so many moments where I want to call him or share something with him but I have to 'supress' the desire. That's hard but not as hard as the ride on the rollercoaster.
KittenMoon Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 Can exes be friends? Yea- I see it all the time. Can they be bestest buddies? Probably not. Can there be any romantic feelings left? Nope.
Author loveinlife Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 Thanks Kitten, I really thought we can't be friends. However, if I have moved on, i guess its not a bad idea. The only thing is that we know so much about each other. I know she is a good girl, who have morals. Don't believe she would ever lead me in the wrong direction. But I also can't be that naive too, as I once was before when I thought her and I were going to get married one day as we both have planned. I will leave my options open and be more careful. Thanks Kitten.
Author loveinlife Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 Alright, after texting my ex that we shouldn't talk anymore, b/c she's been calling me. She called me back the next day wondering if we could be friends. I said it was okay. However, I was also curious about if she had a bf. She told me that it was her personal matter that doesn't involve with me. Now we broken up for one year already and have kept in touch since. What do you guys think, is she with someone else?
nips5050 Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Alright, after texting my ex that we shouldn't talk anymore, b/c she's been calling me. She called me back the next day wondering if we could be friends. I said it was okay. However, I was also curious about if she had a bf. She told me that it was her personal matter that doesn't involve with me. Now we broken up for one year already and have kept in touch since. What do you guys think, is she with someone else? She may or may not be. I know when I went out on a date and my ex found out about it somehow and was asking me if it was true and I told him it was none of his business. I'll admit there was a part of me that wanted to make him a little jealous so I wouldnt tell him anything and it drove him crazy - he kept bugging me about it. I know it made him jealous but that's only cuz his own mind was going nuts with it!! She might just want to make your mind run circles over whether she is or not (mind games) but at the same time she may be protecting your feelings. I'd try not to think about it...do you really want to know, anyway? Wouldn't that make it harder? Just a thought.
Author loveinlife Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 Nips, thanks for the comment. I mean it helps not just to think so much of her, really. But yeah, I do run into thinking about her everyday. I guess I am not much different than some of us here. But knowing that if she said that, it will only make me stronger to move on. I would tell her that I wish her the best with her new bf. Just to be a gentleman to protect my image. However, it would hurt to some degree, but what hurts us would make us stronger. But lately, its been hard to meet a nice decent girl. =(
Winfield Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 I would tell her that I wish her the best with her new bf. Just to be a gentleman to protect my image. However, it would hurt to some degree, but what hurts us would make us stronger. If you don't really mean what you say...don't say it! You really should have the strength to move on by yourself, not be prompted by her actions. It's almost as though you're putting your life on hold until she finds someone new, and then you're the one playing catch-up. Why hold onto false hope? If she ended the relationship, she must have had her reasons for doing so, therefore she's taking a chance in letting you go (and if she were ever to come back, you should remember that she was the one who let you go - so essentially it's her loss). But lately, its been hard to meet a nice decent girl. =( And as for meeting a new decent girl - have patience! They're like buses anyway - two always come along at once, and then all of a sudden you're spoiled for choice!
WithOrWithoutYou Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 No, it is a really, really bad idea. For being friends with an ex to have any chance of working, both people have to be "over" the relationship. It is ok if both of the people still like each other a lot, and if both people are single, the occasional physical hook-up may be ok too (both parties have to be completely over the relationship), but if one of you still has the old romantic feelings, and illusions about making a romantic "relationship" work, forget it, as a friendship will eventually be destructive to both parties.
Author loveinlife Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 Withorwithoutyou, you made some really good points. Looks like these are some of the situations that can make or a break being friends with an ex. As I am not over her yet, its hard for me to be friends with her bc i still have that romantic feeling for her. Well we'll see what happens as time progresses.
In Sync Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 You are in clear denial if you think you can be friends with an ex. In fact I don't even think it is anywhere near friendship but for lack of a better word we say friendship to define unable- to -fully- let -go -but if -I- agreed -not- to -get- sentimental- I -can- be -in -your -presence-and- remain- hopeful. That's what it really is. Think of all your true friends. You haven't slept with them and the relationship is one in which you can laugh freely, speak freely and no awkward wall of a breakup is between you. You are not going to have that with someone who you got dumped by or who you dumped. Save your emotional dignity and walk away with grace. Why wait to be confronted when you realize your new friend formerly known as your ex is talking about their new bf/gf and you sit and listen with a silly grin on your face? Why put yourself through that? What are you gaining? Watching them move on while you feel like you're stuck?
a4a Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Keep in mind that bringing an X along for a ride in a future relationship you may have is not a good idea. The only time an X should be involved in your current life is if you have children together or are still working out financial obligations.
Rudy Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I am going to say yes IF: You both agree the relationship is over orYou both see that there is just nothing more than just a friendship.This is not too common. Usually one has no problem being friends (usually the dumper) and the other does not want it to be over and still has feelings (usually the dumpee). In this case, I don't think a friendship is possible until both parties are totally over the relationship and have moved on. In my case, I was the dumpee but still agreed to be her friend. Interesting enough, she is the one having the problem of being friends as she still is very distant and still has her walls up. As a result, I am here for her if she needs me but have continued NC and given her space as obviously she is dealing with issues and/or feelings. I don't get it but I am not going to worry about it either.
LaraV Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I am going to say yes IF: You both agree the relationship is over orYou both see that there is just nothing more than just a friendship.This is not too common. Usually one has no problem being friends (usually the dumper) and the other does not want it to be over and still has feelings (usually the dumpee). In this case, I don't think a friendship is possible until both parties are totally over the relationship and have moved on. In my case, I was the dumpee but still agreed to be her friend. Interesting enough, she is the one having the problem of being friends as she still is very distant and still has her walls up. As a result, I am here for her if she needs me but have continued NC and given her space as obviously she is dealing with issues and/or feelings. I don't get it but I am not going to worry about it either. Rudy - If you don't mind me asking, why do you want to stay friends with her?
Rudy Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Rudy - If you don't mind me asking, why do you want to stay friends with her? Great question Lara. I know our situations are very similar except for the fact I have had more recovery time. 9 out of 10 people in this forum will probably totally disagree with my reasons for wanting to remain friends but I guess I am different than most. During our time together, I made a commitment and a promise to her that I would always be there for her and that I would never turn my back on her. I made a commitment that I would be there through the good times and the bad. While we were together and now that we are apart, I have honored that promise without wavering an inch. Yes I treated her well and yes she dumped me which was a total surprise. I am not saying I pick up the phone and we go hang out together. In fact, I am on NC but if she calls and needs me, I will be there. The fact is, I am over the relationship but I do still care for her. She chose her career over me instead of choosing her career and me. Yes, it hurt very badly but rather easy to get over as I saw I evidently meant nothing to her, was not a priority and the support and sacrifice that I gave was not appreciated. This is her loss and a decision that she will have to live with, not me. Basically, I made a promise I do not plan on breaking. What is funny is she is the one that intiated the friends part and I agreed but she continues to be very distant with her walls up. Obviously she is having issues with something. I know all so well what you are going through and it is normal; however, one day you are going to realize that you are not the one with the problem, he is. You treated him well but yet he turned you loose. With that mindset, he does not deserve you and you deserve much better. I am not saying one day he will not realize just how wrong he is but you have to move on and show him that you don't need him to be happy. That alone will make a huge statement to him. Also, sometimes by doing nothing is actually doing something if that makes sense. My ex is not a bad person. I think she is going through a very difficult time in her life. She is stressed, confused and has obviously decided that she wants to get through this part alone without me in her life. While I do not agree with her decision (which I do not control), I will be there if she needs me (as a friend...which I do control). As I said, most people will probably not agree with me on this, but I have never broken a promise no matter what the circumstances are. Make sense?
In Sync Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Great question Lara. I know our situations are very similar except for the fact I have had more recovery time. 9 out of 10 people in this forum will probably totally disagree with my reasons for wanting to remain friends but I guess I am different than most. During our time together, I made a commitment and a promise to her that I would always be there for her and that I would never turn my back on her. I made a commitment that I would be there through the good times and the bad. While we were together and now that we are apart, I have honored that promise without wavering an inch. Yes I treated her well and yes she dumped me which was a total surprise. I am not saying I pick up the phone and we go hang out together. In fact, I am on NC but if she calls and needs me, I will be there. The fact is, I am over the relationship but I do still care for her. She chose her career over me instead of choosing her career and me. Yes, it hurt very badly but rather easy to get over as I saw I evidently meant nothing to her, was not a priority and the support and sacrifice that I gave was not appreciated. This is her loss and a decision that she will have to live with, not me. Basically, I made a promise I do not plan on breaking. What is funny is she is the one that intiated the friends part and I agreed but she continues to be very distant with her walls up. Obviously she is having issues with something. I know all so well what you are going through and it is normal; however, one day you are going to realize that you are not the one with the problem, he is. You treated him well but yet he turned you loose. With that mindset, he does not deserve you and you deserve much better. I am not saying one day he will not realize just how wrong he is but you have to move on and show him that you don't need him to be happy. That alone will make a huge statement to him. Also, sometimes by doing nothing is actually doing something if that makes sense. My ex is not a bad person. I think she is going through a very difficult time in her life. She is stressed, confused and has obviously decided that she wants to get through this part alone without me in her life. While I do not agree with her decision (which I do not control), I will be there if she needs me (as a friend...which I do control). As I said, most people will probably not agree with me on this, but I have never broken a promise no matter what the circumstances are. Make sense? I pose this question to you (and all here). Would you maintain a friendship with an ex if you develope a new relationship with someone you are deeply involved with. Would you still nurture this friendship with an ex, if it made your present current love uncomfortable. Or are you so loyal that you would not consider letting it fade out. No one says an ex is a bad person, but some friendship after a breakup are excuses to still maintain just enough being in their presence and it's also ego based. Because you know they will still see and stay in contact with you and therefore won't forget you.
LaraV Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Great question Lara. I know our situations are very similar except for the fact I have had more recovery time. 9 out of 10 people in this forum will probably totally disagree with my reasons for wanting to remain friends but I guess I am different than most. During our time together, I made a commitment and a promise to her that I would always be there for her and that I would never turn my back on her. I made a commitment that I would be there through the good times and the bad. While we were together and now that we are apart, I have honored that promise without wavering an inch. Yes I treated her well and yes she dumped me which was a total surprise. I am not saying I pick up the phone and we go hang out together. In fact, I am on NC but if she calls and needs me, I will be there. The fact is, I am over the relationship but I do still care for her. She chose her career over me instead of choosing her career and me. Yes, it hurt very badly but rather easy to get over as I saw I evidently meant nothing to her, was not a priority and the support and sacrifice that I gave was not appreciated. This is her loss and a decision that she will have to live with, not me. Basically, I made a promise I do not plan on breaking. What is funny is she is the one that intiated the friends part and I agreed but she continues to be very distant with her walls up. Obviously she is having issues with something. I know all so well what you are going through and it is normal; however, one day you are going to realize that you are not the one with the problem, he is. You treated him well but yet he turned you loose. With that mindset, he does not deserve you and you deserve much better. I am not saying one day he will not realize just how wrong he is but you have to move on and show him that you don't need him to be happy. That alone will make a huge statement to him. Also, sometimes by doing nothing is actually doing something if that makes sense. My ex is not a bad person. I think she is going through a very difficult time in her life. She is stressed, confused and has obviously decided that she wants to get through this part alone without me in her life. While I do not agree with her decision (which I do not control), I will be there if she needs me (as a friend...which I do control). As I said, most people will probably not agree with me on this, but I have never broken a promise no matter what the circumstances are. Make sense? It makes sense - as in I see the logic behind your reasoning. Hmm. I could go into an entire philosophical discussion about this, but that would need its own thread. I'll have to think about this one... I guess I just wonder if it's healthy to remain friends, despite your promise. One way to interpret her reluctance to make contact with you, is, indeed, the reasoning that she's having "issues" that she needs to take care of. But have you also thought about the possibility that she doesn't want your help/friendship through this? I'm sure you've thought about it, and I guess I'm just curious as to how in all of this your reasoning remains positive. I get what you're saying about her not being a bad person and all. I feel the exact way about my ex. Hmm, yeah, I gotta think about that one....
LaraV Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I pose this question to you (and all here). Would you maintain a friendship with an ex if you develope a new relationship with someone you are deeply involved with. Would you still nurture this friendship with an ex, if it made your present current love uncomfortable. Or are you so loyal that you would not consider letting it fade out. No one says an ex is a bad person, but some friendship after a breakup are excuses to still maintain just enough being in their presence and it's also ego based. Because you know they will still see and stay in contact with you and therefore won't forget you. Great question! Personally, that's one of the reason why I haven't remained friends with any of my ex's - except for one - in which, by some miracle, the break up was mutual so the friendship was possible. But everyone else, nope. I think most people - myself included - are uncomfortable with the idea that our partners maintain such close loyalty and "connection" with someone else. I'm not saying that anyone in particular can possibly meet all our needs - but there's something sensitive about a friendship with an ex. Personally, I've always seen romantic relationships as the opportunity to build with this person a "best friends" kind of friendship. When you retain ties to someone else, your primary relationship suffers in the sense that you don't give your SO the opportunity to become that one person that you're the closest to. But that's just my 2 cents.
sirjay Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 My ex wanted to be best friends. It caused a great deal of confusion and fighting, in the end I initiated NC. She broke it 5 weeks later. We ended up meeting up and it was really cool. I didn't want to hope for an eventual reconciliation but I did. She was giving me no indication either way. Then I got jealous at her talking to some work (which was just about work, apparently) and we had a fight again and now we've backed off. I could only possibly do this temporarily as a way to get back together. She won't tell me what her true intentions are or if she knows. If i was being sensible, i would break off contact completely but we keep getting drawn back together. There is so much feeling there on both sides ... It hurt me a lot.
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