Keep Her or Leave Her?

[tblunt]

I'm 20 and involved myself in various short term relationships before I met my current girlfriend over a year ago. She was less experienced at the time, and is a year younger than me. We have been either dating or in a relationship together since the night we met. Everything was perfect for the first 6 months. We both fell in love, we had zero arguments, zero complaints, and were just happy to be with each other. The only consistent reason we'd get depressed in the relationship was because we weren't able to see one another sometimes when we wanted to. We lived apart during the summer, but were still able to see each other every weekend. Then, when she moved back near me in the fall, things changed. She wanted to spend more time with her friends and less with me. We both have busier schedules than before summer, so that leaves even less time for us to be together on top of that. This lead to our first major argument, in which I semi-broke up with her. But, it only lasted a week, and we were back together again. I realized I had been selfish, and decided to give her more time with her friends and demand less from her. However, one week later she broke up with me. My girlfriend is a girl who is strongly against PDA's; she barely wants to hold hands in public or even be close to me when around friends. We were at a party, and I saw another guy that she had just met affectionately place and keep his arm around her on several occasions during the night, as if he figured he was going to hook up. All the while I was at an opposite end of the room with my friends, and witnessed her complete lack of acknowledgment that he was doing this. I became slightly irritated, and told him to stop touching my girlfriend, since it was obvious she wasn't going to. I was wrong to approach him and not her about it, but she was wrong to allow something she always considers embarrassing with me to go on with someone else. We both realized this, and the break up didn't last a day. We also agreed that our relationship can't be as serious as I wanted it to be, because she told me she isn't ready for that. After this incident, I gave her more space, barely called her anymore, and let her call me, which is what she wanted. My wants were that she at least call me when she said she was going to, still try to make some time for me (we saw each other less and less), and not change plans we had made without telling me first (these were all recurring but minor problems). So, basically I told her to be more considerate of my feelings, because she was not making me feel the best by pulling this ##### day after day. She said she would try to be more considerate. But, three months and many arguments later, she still acts exactly the same way. This is what lead to our recent break. What I'm wondering is, should I stay with this girl that I love very much, and who loves me as much in return? A girl that needs to mature, but one that will only gradually change? There's no telling how long it's going to take, but should I just relax and let her do as she will until she decides to change? What I really want to know is if you feel it's worth it to wait around for a girl like this to want a more serious relationship, when I already want that? I can wait and of course the decision is mine, but how long is too long? Also, how should I change my outlook on the relationship in order to deal with her behaviour that irritated me before?

 

More Perspective:

 

My girlfriend tells me that she solely desires me and that she can't even think of other guys. She's almost overly kind and doesn't knowingly (at least I think) disrespect me. The mistake she made with that guy at the party was a drunken one and the only incident of its kind that bothered me. He probably thought he was getting lucky, but she's not at all that type of girl. I trust her completely as she does me, and I have no reason to think she is waiting for someone else. She just feels that she isn't ready for a serious relationship because she's in college, and school is her number one priority, which it should be. Also, she is extremely busy with homework and work, and wants more time with her friends that she didn't have when we first were together. Now, these are all things that I can completely understand, but I believe that she has to learn consideration for my feelings and I'm not sure how she's going to accomplish this. We are on a small break right now, but are remaining friends. I don't know what will come of this, but I told her we have to make compromises. If she refuses or can't do that much for our relationship, then I will most likely break up with her or at least date other women.

 

If I have any more questions I'll be sure to post them. I know you can't wait. Thanks for reading my sob story.

[Princessa]

I'm 20 and involved myself in various short term relationships before I met my current girlfriend over a year ago. She was less experienced at the time, and is a year younger than me. We have been either dating or in a relationship together since the night we met. Everything was perfect for the first 6 months. We both fell in love, we had zero arguments, zero complaints, and were just happy to be with each other. The only consistent reason we'd get depressed in the relationship was because we weren't able to see one another sometimes when we wanted to. We lived apart during the summer, but were still able to see each other every weekend. Then, when she moved back near me in the fall, things changed. She wanted to spend more time with her friends and less with me. We both have busier schedules than before summer, so that leaves even less time for us to be together on top of that. This lead to our first major argument, in which I semi-broke up with her. But, it only lasted a week, and we were back together again. I realized I had been selfish, and decided to give her more time with her friends and demand less from her. However, one week later she broke up with me. My girlfriend is a girl who is strongly against PDA's; she barely wants to hold hands in public or even be close to me when around friends. We were at a party, and I saw another guy that she had just met affectionately place and keep his arm around her on several occasions during the night, as if he figured he was going to hook up. All the while I was at an opposite end of the room with my friends, and witnessed her complete lack of acknowledgment that he was doing this. I became slightly irritated, and told him to stop touching my girlfriend, since it was obvious she wasn't going to. I was wrong to approach him and not her about it, but she was wrong to allow something she always considers embarrassing with me to go on with someone else. We both realized this, and the break up didn't last a day. We also agreed that our relationship can't be as serious as I wanted it to be, because she told me she isn't ready for that. After this incident, I gave her more space, barely called her anymore, and let her call me, which is what she wanted. My wants were that she at least call me when she said she was going to, still try to make some time for me (we saw each other less and less), and not change plans we had made without telling me first (these were all recurring but minor problems). So, basically I told her to be more considerate of my feelings, because she was not making me feel the best by pulling this ##### day after day. She said she would try to be more considerate. But, three months and many arguments later, she still acts exactly the same way. This is what lead to our recent break. What I'm wondering is, should I stay with this girl that I love very much, and who loves me as much in return? A girl that needs to mature, but one that will only gradually change? There's no telling how long it's going to take, but should I just relax and let her do as she will until she decides to change? What I really want to know is if you feel it's worth it to wait around for a girl like this to want a more serious relationship, when I already want that? I can wait and of course the decision is mine, but how long is too long? Also, how should I change my outlook on the relationship in order to deal with her behaviour that irritated me before?

 

More Perspective: My girlfriend tells me that she solely desires me and that she can't even think of other guys. She's almost overly kind and doesn't knowingly (at least I think) disrespect me. The mistake she made with that guy at the party was a drunken one and the only incident of its kind that bothered me. He probably thought he was getting lucky, but she's not at all that type of girl. I trust her completely as she does me, and I have no reason to think she is waiting for someone else. She just feels that she isn't ready for a serious relationship because she's in college, and school is her number one priority, which it should be. Also, she is extremely busy with homework and work, and wants more time with her friends that she didn't have when we first were together. Now, these are all things that I can completely understand, but I believe that she has to learn consideration for my feelings and I'm not sure how she's going to accomplish this. We are on a small break right now, but are remaining friends. I don't know what will come of this, but I told her we have to make compromises. If she refuses or can't do that much for our relationship, then I will most likely break up with her or at least date other women.

 

If I have any more questions I'll be sure to post them. I know you can't wait. Thanks for reading my sob story.

It sounds to me that although you love her very much,that you realize yourself that's she's probably not going to change. It sounds to me as if the relationship worked well in the beginning because she had exactly the level of contact and intimacy that she wanted at the time.

 

I'm wondering about the source of your confusion regarding leaving, or at least getting closer to other people. Is that the thought of ending is so very painful? Well, I am sure that many people could identify and understand that pain, and although it does seem very sad for you now, consider this thought: "Better a painful end than an endless pain."

 

Please let me know if you found this "advice" helpful!

[B]

I've been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years, and she recently broke with me, but seems to not let go totally. She's been hanging me out to dry, telling me she wants to get back when she's ready, and then saying she doesn't etc..

 

It hurts me to do this, what I'm doing now. I've actually cut contact with her, COMPLETELY. I will not message her back. She has been emailing every other day with messages, saying that she loves me, misses me, and even puts pictures of herself on my website. Don't be the fool, you are not there to be her choice if she wants to date someone. You have a life too, you have choices. Cutting contact will make her realize how much she needed you, and how much you meant to her. It hurts me doing this to my girlfriend, but you need to prepare yourself for this pain. You need to make her win you back, not the other way around. If it was meant to be, she will come back.