For A Friend In Great Need?

[AWillingFriend]

I am posting this for a friend, who has neither internet access nor internet knowledge, at her request.

 

My friend, M, has been married for little over two decades, and is the type who stayed and pretended she was happy for the sake of the kids; the marriage has been riddled with problems, which have been kept under wraps for the same reason (the kids). Both her and the husband have had an affair in the past, but the marriage continued.

 

Recently, M had another affair with a man (we'll call him 'B') who she developed feelings for, and was caught. Again, she went back out of guilt (and he took her back, thus condoning and forgiving the affair), but after a week, she left again, for her own sake (I honestly believe she hit that point where you simply cannot overlook your own self anymore). (it should also be noted that her youngest child helped her move, and was going to move with her, then changed his mind) She has her own place, and filed for a no-fault divorce.

 

The husband (who has stated that he's more concerned with 'having her home' than her being happy or the fact that she doesn't love him) has roller-coastered between agreeing to sign the papers, to 'dragging it out as long as he can' to 'not give her the satisfaction of marrying B'. He's made sure that two of the three children hate and blame B as well (the 13-year-old has threatened to 'disown' M if she chooses to see B after the divorce).

 

The husband continually blames B for the marriage breaking up, refusing to acknowledge the problems and the near-divorce of the past, and has threatened the man's life (even though the affair/relationship has ended for the time being). He also spends a great amount of time bad-mouthing M to both her family and her children, while still asking her to come home.

 

In the divorce papers, she's pretty much given the husband everything, including main custodianship of their youngest child (who wanted to stay with his father). I thought I understoodd that if he doesn't sign, he has to contest it as a fault divorce, but M's lawyer informed her that unless she has between $3,000 and $6,000 to pay for a 'fault-divorce' (to 'go ahead and get the divorce over with), the husband can refuse to sign the papers and keep the divorce from happening (also told her that even if he signs the papers, can change his mind anytime during the following 60-day finalization period). Lawyer also said that the concept of the 'default hearing' only applies to 'fault' divorces.

 

What can she do? She doesn't have the money to pay to pursue a fault divorce, and the husband dragging this out (he's a complete control-freak) is only putting everyone around them in un-neccesary misery. He is convinced that she'll come back to him (even after all the things he's put her through before and since she left), and even if she doesn't, he can keep the divorce from happening (his words to her mother the other day).

 

What are her options? Is the lawyer telling her the truth about being stuck (another lawyer she spoke to before said that unless she's willing to move out-of-state, she's stuck)? Would going back and obtaining a legal separation help at all in the divorce process? Isn't there such a thing as a court-filed deferrment of legal fees?

 

Please, any help or advice or knowledge is more than appreciated - I've watched my friend break down time and time and time again over the last seven weeks. She has declared that she's not going to allow her children to dictate her life (that if they love her, they'll want her to be happy regardless) after the divorce, but she's still breaking down over and over again the longer this thing drags out. What can be done??????????

 

(she's in Missisippi, by the way)

[amaysngrace]

Okay well I just went and did a search for 'mississippi divorce law' and there is a ton of information available. There are even papers she can download. From what I understand, no-fault (irreconcilible differences) is an option, but I'm no lawyer.

 

That state is a title state, meaning that the spouse whose name is on the title gets the property. No 50/50 split there! Also, you can file for divorce for 'incest'. I thought that was pretty crazy.

 

Anyway, I would advise your friend to go online and research the law herself as best she can. Also, maybe look into getting a female lawyer since she is already having trust issues with the male attorney she spoke to.

[AWillingFriend]

She's already filed for no-fault papers and signed - practically given him everything, but he's declared he'll never sign them. Can he just sit on them like that?

[dgiirl]

They just separated only 7 weeks ago? In my opinion, the husband isnt ready for a divorce just yet, so what's the rush? She can either drag it out and spend a lot of money fighting him, or she can give him some time to come to terms with the whole situation. She doesnt have to go back and live with him. But she doesnt necessarily have to rush into the divorce either. It's only legal papers, and noone can tell her how to feel. But a little bit of empathy and patience for the husband MIGHT go a long way. I know her reaction is just to get everything over with as soon as possible so that everyone can move on. However, as the one being left, his world is unstable right now and he probably cannot cope with all these changes at once. And unless she's planning to get remarried right away, which is strongly discouraged, why the rush to finalize everything? I think if she gives him some time, he'll be easier to communicate with later on.

[AWillingFriend]

The rush is trying to get the healing process moving - the husband is doing a good bit of manipulating the kids and others in an effort to break her down into coming back out of guilt (as she did when she went back). Even then, her 13-year-old asked her to not come home if she was going to be miserable with his father. Now, he says the same thing his father does - that if she'd 'just come home, all of this will go away', and how she's 'choosing another man over her kids' simply because she's said that they're not going to dictate to her who she has the right to see.

 

She's simply ready for all of this to be over with - when the divorce is final, the husband has no situation to try and control, and therefore *everyone* involved can begin moving on with their lives.

[AWillingFriend]

Please, anyone?

[dgiirl]

Unfortunately, it is never that easy. Just because she's legally divorced, doesnt mean the husband will just accept it, move on, and stop manipulating the kids. The "healing" process doesnt happen as soon as those papers are signed. It's not a magic wand. The healing happens when _he's_ ready to let it happen, and it will take time, much longer than 7 weeks. Her forcing the divorce too early will just add more tension to the situation, and i dont think it's in either's best interest to get into a bitter divorce. She's living outside of the family home, she's basically a single woman free to do what she wants. What exactly will divorce papers give her that she doesnt already have now? I'm not saying that she shouldnt file for a divorce if that's what she wants. However, her thinking the healing process will happen quickly because she rushes the divorce is misguided. It's going to take a year to two for him to fully accept the situation. Unfortunately, It's going to be a long ride for her, something she cannot rush. It sucks, but that's the reality of marriage and divorce. She wants out of the marriage, well she's going to need to make some sacrifices too. One being patient for a while. The best thing for her to do right now is show a little empathy towards the husband and give him a little breathing space to accept the situation without worrying about all the legalities. A little bit of sugar can go a long way, especially down the road when she wants to negotiate the terms of their divorce. But if she tries rushing the divorce, he'll just try to prolong it more, fight it more and he'll be on the defensive, never giving her _anything_ she wants just out of spite.