Chinook Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 So... I sit in my home office... working from home today. I sit here alot. Surfing loveshack. Emailing. Working. Generally getting on with things even though I don't want to. On my office wall is a poster, of Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings. It's been there nearly 3 years. I often stare at it. His soft beard and soft lips. I often stare into the eyes searching somehow... and always I feel a sense of comfort. Today it hit me why I stare at it so often. This guy, with the long hair... with the soft lips... with the dark aura... resembles my ex. But softly so... so that the soul stares out of the eyes. It's not comfort I've been searching for... it's WHY it happened...? WHY we're here...? Because HE has never given me a reason. I just ripped the poster off of the wall and broke into a thousand tears. For f**k sake when will this pain end...? I hate this.
KittenMoon Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 For f**k sake when will this pain end...? I hate this. Hey CHinook- I just came back from the bathroom at work where I was crying... again. So I know how you feel. It doesn't seem like the pain is getting any better- instead its just burrowing deeper and deeper. Yesterday I was crying because I'd never bring him a glass of juice again. Today I'm remembering the smell of his comforter and the feeling of his bed... never to be felt again. I wish I had an answer as well to your question. It's like being in a maze with no way out, even though people keep insisting it's there. I guess all I can say is that we were both in really long relationships- maybe it just takes extra time to process through everything.
Author Chinook Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 I guess all I can say is that we were both in really long relationships- maybe it just takes extra time to process through everything. I know. Thanks, I knew you'd understand. It's just so hard some days.
KittenMoon Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I know. Thanks, I knew you'd understand. It's just so hard some days. Oh honey- tell me about it. I'm in the midst of another of my panic attacks- my heart is just beating and beating. Doesn't everything feel like a dream? I feel like the past 7 years of my live were just a figment of my imagination- but they can't be because I'd never feel so miserable unless all that happiness had been real.
Author Chinook Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 I know exactly what you mean. I feel like the last 10 years of my life were wasted. What's more... being with me... and the mistakes he made, has prepared him well to do it properly with someone else. That hurts alot. You know, I've never been particularly religious. I have my beliefs but when I was sick, my faith was really hit hard. But I hung in there. Last night, I just laid back on the bed and spoke to God. I just asked him to stop this pain. I don't want to know why it happened anymore. I don't want to rebuild because I don't think I can. But in the last four years... I've been through more than one human being should have to go through. I nearly died, I lost a part of my body and my soul, my identity. I lost my future and the dreams it held. I've lost the fragile life that I cherished and been handed one I didn't want. I lost my partner who I loved beyond all reason and I lost a child I dearly, desperately wanted. All that pain. I just want it to stop. I really wish I had a form of amnesia to help it take away all the memories. Something to just make it easier now.
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 7 years? thats a really long time! But I can telll you this no matter how long or short some relationships are. Believe me they hurt just as bad :-( Sometimes there is nothing you can really say to people except by promising them things will get better, because they will ! It's just a process you go through, and it sucks to be in a place where you are just pushed to let out tears even after a year later. I'm still angry and a bit jealous even with it being a year Of strict Nc. ( On my part of course ). But in time you are going to have wonderful days and thats when you'll know you are getting better and that their is hope for you!
KittenMoon Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I'm not really religious either, though I've adopted some core beliefs over the years. Sometimes the suffering just seems like too much- right? I can't even imagine going through some of the stuff you've had to deal with, or some of the others on this board for that matter. But then I think "The only suffering we truly experience is our own." Which means, to me, that no matter how much we empathize with others, we are only truly aware of our own pain, and that's only human. Last night one of my friends told me about a girl she knew. This girl was driving a car and crashed. Her mother died. She's been in a coma since. The father has a blog about her. Just recently now, his best friend (or maybe brother?) committed suicide. I ask myself how people just keep going on. But we do. ANd we should. Why? I don't know. But that's why. Because we don't know. Prince Charming could show up tomorrow I suppose. Or maybe my ex will, and he'll be Prince CHarming for real this time. Or maybe something worse will happen to me- this week has certainly had it charm in terms of pain. Its maddening- not knowing. Chin- my aunt married a guy about 20 years ago. BTW, he was older than you are. He had lost his first wife to cancer. No kids. Now they have 2 daughters. He's had cancer himself since, and a minor heart attack. BUT he still acts with my aunt like young lovers sometimes, he has his daughters, he has a good retirement, etc. We just keep going because we don't know- tomorrow could be good. Or bad. Or both. Drives me nuts!!!!
Author Chinook Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 We just keep going because we don't know- tomorrow could be good. Or bad. Or both. Drives me nuts!!!! Hope. That's it isn't it..? That's why we keep going. That and the fact that there really is no alternative! Thanks Kitten. I hope you're physically feeling better today anyways.
Author Chinook Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 7 years? thats a really long time! But I can telll you this no matter how long or short some relationships are. Believe me they hurt just as bad :-( Sometimes there is nothing you can really say to people except by promising them things will get better, because they will ! It's just a process you go through, and it sucks to be in a place where you are just pushed to let out tears even after a year later. I'm still angry and a bit jealous even with it being a year Of strict Nc. ( On my part of course ). But in time you are going to have wonderful days and thats when you'll know you are getting better and that their is hope for you! Brittany Jean, some days I wish I could believe that things are going to get better. But in reality they don't.. it's been four years of this nightmare now. Four since cancer, two since losing my partner, one since losing my child. I just don't have faith that those wonderful days are out there. I don't care if life isn't happy or wonderful... right now, I'll settle for just having some peace and less pain.
KittenMoon Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Thanks Kitten. I hope you're physically feeling better today anyways. Bleah. Actually I feel kinda awful-my anxiety has been BAD this week esp after that happened. But y'know how people keep saying things happen for a reason? My break up has kinda forced me to realize i have an anxiety problem- and maybe chronic depression. These feelings that for me have always been "normal"? Well, especially after seeing my therapist I'm realizing how NOT normal they are. These might be tied into some medical issues as well- for years I've kinda wondered if I have a thyroid issue. My fainting spell has kinda tipped it for me- how can I faint in heat if I don't feel it??! (Temp regulation problems are indicative of thryoid problems) It's time to get tested and figure it out once and for all. I hope if I can deal with these things and get to the root of them- whether psychological or medical or both- I can make myself finally feel good more often than bad.
LaraV Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 ...some days I wish I could believe that things are going to get better. But in reality they don't.. it's been four years of this nightmare now. Four since cancer, two since losing my partner, one since losing my child. I just don't have faith that those wonderful days are out there. I don't care if life isn't happy or wonderful... right now, I'll settle for just having some peace and less pain. Chin - I cannot imagine how losing so much can possibly feel like. Especially the loss of a child. That, I hear, is the most painful thing in human existence. I can only say that it really must be that hard for you. I also know how hard experiencing an illness can be. I have a chronic one that disables me completely at times, and that's such a painful loss too. And on top of that losing a partner must seem like a sick joke. I can only say that I sympathize with your pain, and that I think you're doing the right thing by sharing it with us. I know that helps a lot. I'd also like to point out in general that while experiencing grief, it helps me sometimes to think about the here and now - as in, thinking that after all I've been through in life I'm still here. I haven't thrown in the towel, though at times I've considered doing so, if only to get some respite from the pain; but the point is that I'm still here. Isn't that just such an incredible testament of the human spirit? You, too, are still here! Hurting, yes. Wounded, yes. Spirit in a million pieces, yes. But you're here! God knows how we endure so many things, but I think there is some comfort in knowing that, somehow, you just do. That you've been this strong, even when there are those moments when you just wish it could all end. I'm amazed at how strong so many people here are. It is from the strength that I see in so many of you, amidst all the pain, that I'm finally getting some comfort in knowing that things, hopefully, will be Ok again. And isn't that wonderful, that somehow, in some way, you've given hope to someone else?
KittenMoon Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Yeah Chinook- You've had it WAY too hard. Today coud be the turn around though.. maybe it's all uphill from here!
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Wow I'm sorry. Four years of pain. That is a very long time but Its not normal to be in pain and not see anything good until later! I think things will soon be brighter for you one day and tommrow could be the best day of your life. So still always have hope for a better day. I'm sorry about your child I really didn't know about that...that must be horrible :-(
Author Chinook Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 Lara: Thanks. Yes, it does bring a weak smile to know that somehow something I have written has given hope to someone else. Kitten: Yeah. Tomorrow is a new day. A whole 24 hours to fill however I want to. Brittany Jean: Thankyou young lady. That means alot. It's a long story. I was thinking I was ready to move on and was asked out on a date. Got to know this guy quite well I thought over a 3 month period. It turned out that he was married. I dumped him pronto as soon as I knew. Two weeks later I discovered I was pregnant. One single drunken incident on my birthday and it changed my life forever. I thought I was doing the right thing by telling him - not to break up his family because I didn't want him or any money. But my child would have a right to know their father. I wanted nothing. But that didn't stop him harrassing me. He wanted to find a way out of his doomed marriage and he was going to make me it. He wanted to claim a part of my estate by petitioning for custody when the child was born.... on what grounds..? The fact that I'd had cancer and was emotionally unstable following this... in addition to having a poor prognosis for the future. Needless to say, six weeks after discovering I was pregnant, I lost the child because the harrassment and pressure was so great. He knew the first 12 weeks were important and how fragile this child would be. So I often wonder whether he did it purposely. But that's futile and the man is a scumbag.
Author Chinook Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 I just wanted to say 'thankyou' to you guys. I feel a little better this morning. I think what hit me yesterday was the rawness related to waiting for the letter from the lawyer regarding the transfer of the house equity. I know once that comes, that it's really over for good and it was supposed to come yesterday (it didn't which is no surprise). Thanks for being out there you guys.
Author Chinook Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 I just wanted to say 'thankyou' to you guys. I feel a little better this morning. I think what hit me yesterday was the rawness related to waiting for the letter from the lawyer regarding the transfer of the house equity. I know once that comes, that it's really over for good and it was supposed to come yesterday (it didn't which is no surprise). Thanks for being out there you guys. Guess I spoke too soon. He mailed me this morning to say the house documentation isn't coming right away because there is an issue with the bank. So he called to explain it in detail. I rang the bank to clrify the position and it was sorted out. So XP rings me back... we discuss the specifics and agree that it all should pretty much go ahead. Then there's this awkward silence on the phone. We both know that we reached that final point, of knowing that there's nothing more to say. Knowing it's over. I ask to see him. I want to say goodbye to him, not to an email. Next thing there's this weeping and the phone goes dead. Then I get a text via mail which says he knew what I was going to say and it really upset him and he was in a room full of people so he had to get out. He said all his nightmares came true and he just wanted me to be okay. So, finally once the papers arrive it's over. I'm completely broken. I just can't see this pain healing. F**k.
KittenMoon Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Sorry Chinook.... Uh.. maybe TODAY is the day everything starts going uphill? I can't remember your full story- I know a lot has happened with your illness, etc, but is there really no chance of working things out and why? (this is rhetorical to some extent- you don't have to answer- I guess I'm just saying remind yourself why it can't work) You're still young Chin- remember my uncle- his "now" life didn't start until he was over 40.
Author Chinook Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 Sorry Chinook.... Uh.. maybe TODAY is the day everything starts going uphill? I can't remember your full story- I know a lot has happened with your illness, etc, but is there really no chance of working things out and why? (this is rhetorical to some extent- you don't have to answer- I guess I'm just saying remind yourself why it can't work) You're still young Chin- remember my uncle- his "now" life didn't start until he was over 40. Thanks Kitten. It's been a hard day. I guess it's going to be like this for a little while yet. I'm okay. I'll get through it. Nope there is no chance of a reconciliation. Basically, too much hurt has passed and he's with someone else now. He's conflicted about it all but that's his problem. From my point of view, the simple fact is, it's over... he's with someone else. It hurts and I don't want it to hurt anymore. I don't care how much he's hurting now. He is where he is. He chose to get into a relationship with someone else... someone who he hardly knows and isn't committed to... that's his problem. For me, I'm tired and sad and I don't want to be sad and hurting any longer. My primary focus now has to be myself and healing. Come hell or high water, I have to get there.
KittenMoon Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Thanks Kitten. It's been a hard day. I guess it's going to be like this for a little while yet. I'm okay. I'll get through it. Nope there is no chance of a reconciliation. Basically, too much hurt has passed and he's with someone else now. He's conflicted about it all but that's his problem. From my point of view, the simple fact is, it's over... he's with someone else. It hurts and I don't want it to hurt anymore. I don't care how much he's hurting now. He is where he is. He chose to get into a relationship with someone else... someone who he hardly knows and isn't committed to... that's his problem. For me, I'm tired and sad and I don't want to be sad and hurting any longer. My primary focus now has to be myself and healing. Come hell or high water, I have to get there. Hey- its' been a hard day here too. I just got back from my CAT scan. I've been crying in the bathroom everyday at work this week and my anxiety has been terrible. I was just sobbing and punching my bed. I feel like this keeps getting WORSE, not better, y'know. I came to the conclusion today that I'm getting my thyroid checked and then if thats fine I'm resigning myself to taking anti-depressants. Which I said I'd NEVER EVER EVER do. And I hate my ex so much right now for turning me into this mess. And at the same time I want him back, because I don't have the "he's with someone else" thing yet. YET. I'm def going to need pills for that day... Sorry you feel so lousy- and man, am I lousy at giving advice. I can't take my own, I'm a mess too. So we can be a mess together, I guess. Sometimes I try to think like I'm tearing down a building. I just keep telling myself there must be more to tear down if I still feel like this, and i can't rebuild until I finish it. It's not advice, but its something to focus on.
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