stevensgirl Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I know you are right, it was stupid of me to believe that he really thought I mean't the same day however I did let it slide then, and now I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I am 100% positive that he is no longer seeing her because he goes to work at 6:00a.m. and comes home at 4:00 every day. There is no way he could be sneaking off to see her. He wanted me to be friendly with her when he finally made his decision to break it off with her and commit himself to me. I honestly gave being friendly with her a try because of the kids, figuring that she and I would have to deal with each other because of visitation schedules and she flat out told me she hates me because he hasn't touched her since the night he told her that he chose to be with me. The fact of the matter is that I accepted it then and now am having a hard time dealing with it. If he'd just admit that yes, he cheated or made a mistake anyway, maybe then I could move on but he won't even concede to just having hurt me deeply because he claims that he made sure I was fully aware that they might be sexually active still. I figure if he thought I knew, he wouldn't have tried to hide it and if I hadn't caught him he wouldn't have told me either. I love this man, and for the most part he is a good man. I'm just wondering what my part in this relationship is. He acts like I'm some sort of sex fiend because I'd like to be intimate more than 3 times a month, we've only been together for a year and its always quickies in the shower, very rarely do we have a "quality lovemaking session" for lack of a better description. We'll have a quickie in the shower with a promise of more to come later then he keeps me out to late or the kids will stress him out and he can't. He isn't terribly romantic with me, she told me that he always showered her with cards and flowers and in the year we've been together I've gotten exactly one card from him and that was on Valentines day and thats all he did was give me a card and tell me that "to say it is nothing is an understatement". Mothers day (my 2 sons live with us also), Easter, Christmas, he worried for days about whether to buy her a card or not and he didn't even bother to take my sons out to make sure thay had at least a card for me. Fathers day and all the same holidays I make sure to see to it that his children have a gift and card for him and yes, he picked her up a card too. I'm not unattractive, I am "cuter" than I am "pretty". I'm 4"7 and about 110lbs, he just doesn't seem to be terribly interested in any intimacy with me. We're not very old, he's 42 and I'm 39. I've only been with 1 other man, my ex-husband and he left me for a man, he also wasn't terribly into me either. My guy definitely isn't gay (I figured I'd throw that in). There are many nights that I'll spend hours caressing him, touching him and he won't show any of the signs of being turned on, guess I don't turn him on unless I'm completely naked. I am about to come into a large sum of money, close to a $420,000.00 and before I sell my house and start spending my settlement to clear up the bills he has so we can start off on a clean slate I need to figure out if I am going to be able to get past the cheating or not and figure out if I can live with the minimal amout of intimacy. I don't think I am a sex fiend, I don't think 2 or 3 times a week is too much to ask, maybe it is. My ex-husband and I didn't sleep in the same bed for years so I don't even have that to compare it to. Steve says that the stress from the kids kills his sex drive and that is the main reason. I know I sound pathetic but I really need advice.
Kathleen2260 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I've been in a situation similiar to yours (where a bf was still seeing/sleeping with his ex and me at the same time and lying about it) I too hung in there because I thought he deserved another chance. Trust me, from experience it is NOT worth it. This guy is using you and you could do so much better. He seems to be more into his ex wife than you for some reason. I know you love him and wish he would change but the odds are he is not going to get more affectionate/sexual with you. I would be very afraid that he is staying with you because he wants you to pay off all his bills "so you two can start with a clean slate" I know you don't want to hear this but I would bet that once you take care of his bills he will leave you shortly after. A relationship should be 50/50 and it sounds as though YOU are the one doing all of the work. I don't understand how he could have a high enough sex drive that he had to sleep with you both to complaining because you want to have sex more than 3 times a month!! I agree with you that he's not sleeping with his ex anymore. that is why his sex drive is so low. He seems to get excited by the fact that he's doing something wrong by having sex with both of you at the same time (even though you clearly stated your feelings on the subject- he knew exactly what he was doing was wrong.) So now that he can have sex in a committed relationship, the excitement is gone and he' s just not interested. I think that you can do better and that if you stay with him you'll never be happy. Good luck.
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