SarahRose Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Subject says it. Am I just wasting my time with my relationship? I asked him the other day if he thought we would ever get married and he said probably not. He said there is no point to marriage. I said if you feel that way then why are we together? He said he didn't mean it like that but that he meant he wasn't ready right now as he is too young. He is 26. I think after 2 years, I have the right to ask those types of questions. Now I am not sure about marriage myself but it would be nice to know that he is committed to being with me for a long time. I think marriage is stupid in a way but that doesn't mean I don't want some type of long term commitment. I should clarify that I want to make a life together with him and don't have to be married to do that. Thoughts?
littlekitty Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 You need to be having this conversation with him and asking him these very questions. If you're planning a long term future with this guy and you've been with him for 2 years, you really should have no problems having an open and honest conversation like this with him. Explain that you are not trying to tie him down marriage, explain you are not even sure what you want yet. Explain that you do feel you see a future with him and ask him if he sees the same. At 26 I wasn't ready for marriage. And he's been honest enough to admit that... but now you have unanswered questions about his commitment to you and your relationship. Are you living together or apart? Are you planning a future together or just at bf/gf level still? You need to talk to him about this, openly, honestly, calmly and with no pressure.
Author SarahRose Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 Hey Thanks! I guess I don't bring it up is because I don't want to pressure him but really I do need to know so I can plan my life accordingly. Seems like when I start a talk, I never really say all I wanted to say or I just don't know how to say it. I like the way you pu things. Any other ideas on how to say what I want to him? or ask for what I want? Oh and no we don't live together. I would like to though. He has wavered back and forth on that. Sometimes he says he wants to live together and sometimes he says he wants to live alone. His actions are that when I am there, he stays with me about 90% of the time anyway. I'm moving to where he is soon. I feel like this. If I move there and I will have my own place, I don't think it would be fair for him to just stay there all the time without actually living there and contributing to the bills and household. If he wants to stay there all the time with me, then he can move in but if not then I would like to put limits on how much time he can stay there with me. Am I wrong to ask that?
littlekitty Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Hey Thanks! I guess I don't bring it up is because I don't want to pressure him but really I do need to know so I can plan my life accordingly. Seems like when I start a talk, I never really say all I wanted to say or I just don't know how to say it. I like the way you pu things. Any other ideas on how to say what I want to him? or ask for what I want? Oh and no we don't live together. I would like to though. He has wavered back and forth on that. Sometimes he says he wants to live together and sometimes he says he wants to live alone. His actions are that when I am there, he stays with me about 90% of the time anyway. I'm moving to where he is soon. I feel like this. If I move there and I will have my own place, I don't think it would be fair for him to just stay there all the time without actually living there and contributing to the bills and household. If he wants to stay there all the time with me, then he can move in but if not then I would like to put limits on how much time he can stay there with me. Am I wrong to ask that? Try to take some time to plan out what you want to say in your head. And make sure you take the time to say each and every point you want to make. If necessary, just ask him to let you finish before he responds to your questions. Try not to put pressure on him. Reassure him that you simply want to discuss your relationship and where it might lead. That you wish to understand how he feels about the relationship, so that you have a clearer idea of what he wants and needs from you now and in the future. His wavering on the living together thing suggests to me that he simply isn't yet ready for that next level of commitment and that he wants to retain 'his own space' for a little while longer. That's not to say that he might not want to in the future, simply that it doesn't appear he is ready yet. But it's better that he is honest and you know that, than he be pushed into something. If it is what he wants, he'll come round to it in his own time. Re you moving there: Whilst I understand your reasoning completely, to put limits on time spent together isn't IMO the best thing. You should be free to see each other whenever you want. But I do understand your requirement for some help with expenses. If he is staying (eating, sleeping, washing, clothes washing? etc) at yours 90% of the time, then he should be contributing towards the cost of that. But mainly I would say costs towards food, and maybe a small contribution towards the rest. But that is acceptable yes. Have a think about what you want to ask, and post. I'll see if I can help you word it better if you like!
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