soberminded Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 How many of you think it's important that the person who is about to dump you explain their reasons for doing so? Should it really matter at that point what their reasons are? Or should they just keep it to themselves since the general reason that people dump you is because they don't want to be with you anymore?? I don't think the dumper owes me an explanation since at that point they do not care anymore about what I want.
allina Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I don't think the reason matters 99.9999999999999999% of the time, because really, no matter how you explain/excuse/package the reason it comes down to the fact that you don't want to be with the person anymore.
Tsiehta Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 But, as the dumpee, I want explanations. I want to know the reasons, especially since she dumped me for another. I want to know time frames, clarification about whether when she and I were doing things, was she thinking about him, etc. I know, what purpose does it serve? But, since my break up, sorting through those details has helped me see that she is immature, makes bad decisions, is sepfish, and isn't in love with me.
Mollyanna Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I always want to know and guys usually just give you the same old song and dance - "it's me, not you", "I'm confused and messed up and you need someone better than that", "You're great, but I am just not ready for a relationship". Me, I want specifics. Is it because I need to lose 10 pounds? Is it because of my depression? Because I sleep too much? Talk too much? Not outgoing enough? Do you just not find me attractive? Did you meet someone else? At least if he would just tell me I am fat, it wouldn't hurt as much because I could fix that. But if he just doesn't like my personality, that isn't so easily mended.
Sonic_chaos Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Im just going thro a break up and im the dumpee, she being the dumper. Ive been thro this in another part of the forum where we was having some probs, so ive just carried on the post. I see arguments for both sides of the fence to be honest, i wanna know in this moment of time excatly why she gave me a poor excuse to break up, i could have held my hand up and said yep, sorry if id been unfaithfull or something along those lines, but it was petty spare of the moment as far as i know. But the other side? She didnt wanna be with me anymore, weather it be thro shear anger at the time, rash decision couldnt be bothered with me anymore or whatever so thats a good enough reason i guess. Still doesnt stop the fact that you wanna know I agree with mollyanna in a sence it could make you a better/more attractive/better listener etc person if you did know the problem then you could work on that in you next relationship without the fear of it hitting you for six next time and being at square one again all hurt..
norajane Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I always want to know and guys usually just give you the same old song and dance - "it's me, not you", "I'm confused and messed up and you need someone better than that", "You're great, but I am just not ready for a relationship". Me, I want specifics. Is it because I need to lose 10 pounds? Is it because of my depression? Because I sleep too much? Talk too much? Not outgoing enough? Do you just not find me attractive? Did you meet someone else? At least if he would just tell me I am fat, it wouldn't hurt as much because I could fix that. But if he just doesn't like my personality, that isn't so easily mended. The thing is, you can't 'fix' anything. Once someone has made up their mind about your relationship, you really can't do anything about it. Put another way, if it were something that could be fixed, they would have brought it up in the first place. If you read these forums, they're filled with people who have relationship problems and are asking how to discuss it with their SO's, or how to get through it, or how to make it better. The ones that want to stay, will usually talk about it: I need you to stop flirting with other girls, I hate it when you text/IM with your 'just friends' friend; how can I get him to spend more time with me; I've asked him to spend more time with my family; I want him to stop watching porn; she goes out with her friends without me; etc." Plus, don't you want to be with someone who likes you as you are? Do you really want to walk on eggshells all the time wondering if you are doing something they don't like? Being yourself all the time without worrying about how to change for anyone else to make them like you better is the BEST way to end up with someone who thinks your extra 10 pounds are cute, and who isn't going to expect you to get up at the crack of dawn to go for a 40 mile bike ride with him every Sunday. Feel good about yourself and don't worry about living up to other people's expectations!! As to the specific details, that just gives you more to dwell on. If someone is cheating on you, do you really need to know in detail exactly when and how and where and for how long? Doesn't that just twist the knife even deeper? Bottom line - when they break up with you, they're done with you, and you're better off replacing your thoughts about the relationship and them with other things, more positive things. Dwelling on the past just keeps it fresh. And it prevents you from being open to other people who will like you just as you are. My two cents.
Sonic_chaos Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Plus, don't you want to be with someone who likes you as you are? Do you really want to walk on eggshells all the time wondering if you are doing something they don't like? Being yourself all the time without worrying about how to change for anyone else to make them like you better is the BEST way to end up with someone who thinks your extra 10 pounds are cute, and who isn't going to expect you to get up at the crack of dawn to go for a 40 mile bike ride with him every Sunday. Feel good about yourself and don't worry about living up to other people's expectations!! Fantastic way of putting that BTW . everyone has to change alittle and i mean alittle which can be a good thing, but only trouble with your way is that you could met so many people 100's and not find anyone that 1 person that doesnt care about ie how you look, dress, overweight etc.. Only cares about you.. i do without a shadow of a doubt fully agree with the eggshells comment, as i can see that part from a personal point of view.. deffo
basscatcher Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I think it is out of last respects to explain why the dumping is happening. I feel if I'm dumping then If I could tell him why then he can work on the issue before he moves onto another woman--thats if the issue was him.. Sometimes the issue is with myself and I need the space to figure out what I need.. Like I did with Charlie. He wasn't fullfilling me with affection and communcation. I told him this so he has the knowledge of the issue and he has the choice to either work on himself for the future. I also know I am the kind of person who needs more then he was giving so why should I make myself be miserable in a relationship that doesn't make me feel some kind of healthy balance. As for me being dumped.. I would prefer the man tell me why. So I can either---Take a look at myself and see if what he complains about is true and work on making myself a better person or so I don't kick myself and beat myself up thinking its all my fault and play the 'if only' game repeatedly in my head because I am picking everything apart for understanding and answers. I am growth motivated and I believe in looking at myself and being objective when I can. Changing what I can to become a better person is always a good thing as long as I am being true to myself.
a4a Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Well as the dumper with all but with one relationship, that discovery of cheating sent me packing, I can say this: During the relationship I said enough to explain why they were going to get dumped. I cannot see that after I make my final move out that they would be shocked about it or try to guess the reasons why I left. I grow tired of explaining what I need or expect from a relationship and then not to get it. So as I am walking out the door I am too tired and just don't feel like rehashing the reasons for my departure. Like I told the current H .......... listen well now, hear what I am telling you, what I need. I would hate to have you go into shock if you come home one day and find me no longer here. If it happens you know why as I am telling you now. ( good god I am so direct sometimes)
Kengne Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 When a relationship ends people always want to know 'why?' I think it's natural to want to hear an explanation - but by no means is an explanation owed. It'd be nice but really, what does it change? Nothing. I like pada's reasons for wanting to know why i.e. so I can take a deeper look at myself, and see if smth needs to be changed moving forward. IMO every relationship is a lesson, and with every good-bye you learn something new. Just my 2 cents. K.
dancehead Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Being dumped is a shock if you love the person. It knocks the stuffing out of you and your confidence is blown away. When I am dumped I like to know. I need to know what it is so I can change it if possible, in case its something that will bother any other girl I meet. But the chances of them being honest is very slim, because they don't want to hurt you even more than they are already. Also you have to understand that when you are being dumped, you are not thinking about future relationships, you are thinking of the loss of this one and you can't believe it half the time. You are upset, devastated and if the person you love so much with all your heart is dumping you, you will only have eyes for them or someone like them, so the reason becomes so important for moving on.
MrPot Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Allina said it all. They don't have feelings for you anymore; what more of an explanation do you need? You should be able to figure out the rest on your own.
dominsane Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 I was dumped two weeks ago by my fiance of one year, I asked him 'why' and he told me because he was having some problems he needed to figure out. Well...this is the first serious relationship I've had. I wanted to know why because I think that if I'm going to have another relationship with someone else, I don't want to make the same mistake, or act the same way with that person, just to be dumped again.
batesal Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 But, as the dumpee, I want explanations. I want to know the reasons, especially since she dumped me for another. I want to know time frames, clarification about whether when she and I were doing things, was she thinking about him, etc. Me being the dumpee, I would like to know why she would decide to leave me. I believe that even if what they have to say to me is going to hurt me 120%, I would still like to know what it was I did, and why espeically if everything day in and out was great, meaning no fussing and fighting. You want to know what you need to fix to make the next relationship work.
KLG Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Why is a big deal. Either it is things you have done and you do need to know what those things are to make personal changes or it is them and again you need to know so you can avoid this type of situation in the future.
Author soberminded Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 I would like to know the reason I'm getting dumped so that I can take steps to improve myself. I believe every break up is a time for self improvement. You might think you have done nothing wrong in the relationship and you might be right on that. It's still a time of self improvement. Why? because in this case you picked the wrong person to date. So your self improvement program might be learning how to pick better partners and watching for red flags early on next time. That in itself is a form of self improvement. So I would like to know the real reason for the break up but unfortunately not all dumpers are considerate enough to tell the whole truth about their reasons for breaking up. If they would be totally honest then I would examine myself to see if what they've pointed out is something I really need to correct for my future relationships.
Diver012 Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 For me, its to avoid the constant, was it someone else you met? Was it something I did? Something I said? SOmething I didnt say? Its a lot harder when someone that loved you ends a relationship and slams that door in your face, and doesnt even tell you why. They think they are doing you a favor sometimes, OH it will hurt you if I say, but thats crap! It hurts worse not knowing in the long run. You start to question yourself and things have a habit of coming up from past experiences... Its not a fun ride, trust me im on it right now.
a4a Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Instead of waiting to ask after the dump why not put effort into communication during the relationship? And how many dumpers that do explain why they are leaving you tell you the truth? I am leaving because I found a person that really turns me on. or your unattractive to me you are just too stupid you are boring you suck in bed you have a small penis you don't make enough money you smell bad you are nuts
LaraV Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Instead of waiting to ask after the dump why not put effort into communication during the relationship? And how many dumpers that do explain why they are leaving you tell you the truth? I am leaving because I found a person that really turns me on. or your unattractive to me you are just too stupid you are boring you suck in bed you have a small penis you don't make enough money you smell bad you are nuts You know, a4a, amidst all my internal turmoil, I find your posts incredibly funny and refreshing. They actually make me laugh - and since that is rare these days, I thank you for that!
jimmy20013 Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I got dumped and I seriously dont care about the reason because of two things: 1. Its not gonna change anything because if it was something that could have been worked out, my partner should have told me. 2. Its pretty obvious that people dont get dumped because there are problems in the relationship. Relationships end because people dont wanna resolve the problems. And if you dont wanna resolve the problem then there is no point in bringing it up. Just my 2 cents.
Author soberminded Posted July 28, 2006 Author Posted July 28, 2006 I got dumped and I seriously dont care about the reason because of two things: 1. Its not gonna change anything because if it was something that could have been worked out, my partner should have told me. 2. Its pretty obvious that people dont get dumped because there are problems in the relationship. Relationships end because people dont wanna resolve the problems. And if you dont wanna resolve the problem then there is no point in bringing it up. Just my 2 cents. Well if I did the dumping I would still tell my ex the reasons I'm ending it not because I want to fix what is broken but so they can have a better idea of what mistakes not to repeat in their future relationships. Somebody has to tell them what they need improvement on otherwise they'll just carry on this illusion in their future relationships that whatever they're doing is ok. If I'm the one getting dumped I still want to know the reason so that I don't repeat the same mistakes in future relationships. Whether the dumper wants to fix what is broken or not is not the issue but rather is there anything I did wrong that I can correct for my next relationship?? But if the dumper does not want to tell me then there's nothing I can really do. I can't force them to do so.
jimmy20013 Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I see where you are coming from. But when your partner agreed to love you, they agreed to do so inspite of your shortcomings. So shortcomings or mistakes, shouldn't be a reason for dumping. Now loss of attraction or love , i understand but not mistakes. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. Also if we were dumped because of a mistake, I dont think we start working on it right away. Sometimes, we dont even work on it. I have never played the dating game, so I dont think my argument pertains to casual dating. Its more about serious relationships.
Author soberminded Posted July 28, 2006 Author Posted July 28, 2006 I see where you are coming from. But when your partner agreed to love you, they agreed to do so inspite of your shortcomings. So shortcomings or mistakes, shouldn't be a reason for dumping. Now loss of attraction or love , i understand but not mistakes. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. Also if we were dumped because of a mistake, I dont think we start working on it right away. Sometimes, we dont even work on it. I have never played the dating game, so I dont think my argument pertains to casual dating. Its more about serious relationships. Unfortunately there are mistakes we make that can kill the attraction that our partner has for us. Attraction or unattraction is not something we can control. There is nothing we can do to make someone attracted to us but unfortunately there is alot we can do to make them unattracted to us.
jimmy20013 Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Again I agree with you. I guess it really depends what kind of a mistake is a turn-off for you. My ex made all kind of mistakes. From cheating on me to treating me like trash but I forgave her and kept on going. Suprisingly, the thing that made her seem unattractive to me was when she said something bad about my parents. I told her this but again I stuck around and after about 2-3 weeks, the attraction was back in full force. Unfortunately, she dumped me and I have no clue why.
burning 4 revenge Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Instead of waiting to ask after the dump why not put effort into communication during the relationship? And how many dumpers that do explain why they are leaving you tell you the truth? I am leaving because I found a person that really turns me on. or your unattractive to me you are just too stupid you are boring you suck in bed you have a small penis you don't make enough money you smell bad you are nuts man a4a, your'e a hard woman, but honest with some of those reasons there is nothing one can do and it' s true. i know first hand. but, are some of us men just destined to be alone? is it pure charles darwin? or, maybe, do some of us need to make a better assesment of our situation and realize what is possible and what isn't. realize who could love us for who and what we are (or, what we've become) and readjust our own standards
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