Lost1616 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Ok, so NC seems to be THE thing to do in breakups. I totally understand that but what do you do if its making you worse? I know NC is probably harder than the actual breakup but as each day passes i seem to get worse and worse and miss her more and more. Its not like i sit in the dark in a ball crying either, im going out doing the things i like, seeing friends, working hard etc. Its been 7 weeks for me and we were together for 14 months... you would think i would be starting to come out of it by now..but im not. I work with my ex 4 days a week and can avoid her (try to) but even the thought that shes there is damaging! What do you do when NC makes you worse? She still wants to hangout with me... and im so incredibly tempted to just to make myself feel better again! Any thoughts? Thanks.
norajane Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Think of it a different way... NC isn't making you worse; it's making your recovery process bearable. Without NC, you'd be mired even deeper in hell. That visit that you think would make you feel better would just lead to you getting your hopes up and then dashed...each and every visit. A little meeting will have you looking into her eyes, and then you'd have fresh memories in your head. Each time you'd see her, it would drag this out even longer. Stay strong. NC isn't easy, but in the long run, it's the best thing for you to get over someone. You can't get over her if she can see you whenever she wants on her terms. Good luck! We're all rooting for you!!
timidity99 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I'm exercising NC with my ex and it's making things worse for me. I don't believe NC is for everybody. Just because NC benefits someone else does not mean it's going to benefit you. In fact NC has made me somewhat suicidal. I don't want to live without this girl. So I say do whatever you think is going to make you feel better. NC has intensified my pain greatly!
Confuzzled85 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I think that is the same for me, I tried NC and it didnt work, me and my ex are starting to become friends, its not easy but you will get used to it, and you have to be prepared that one day they are going to turn round to you and say ive found someone else.
Brittanyjean06 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I think Nc can be harder for people because they fear the unknown maybe? If you stayed in contact with your ex it would only prolong your pain don't you think? By putting false hopes in your head. Things only get worse before they get better. And when they start getting better for you, than you'll see things well as my qoute says down below. From a cleansed perception
norajane Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I'm exercising NC with my ex and it's making things worse for me. I don't believe NC is for everybody. Just because NC benefits someone else does not mean it's going to benefit you. In fact NC has made me somewhat suicidal. I don't want to live without this girl. So I say do whatever you think is going to make you feel better. NC has intensified my pain greatly! Timidity, you broke up with your girl because she wanted a commitment, and you don't ever want to be married. The NC is for her benefit in your case, so SHE can get over being dumped by the man she loved...you...and recover so she can one day meet someone who can give her the commitment she needs. I think that's a bit different than what's happening here, IMO.
norajane Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I think Nc can be harder for people because they fear the unknown maybe? If you stayed in contact with your ex it would only prolong your pain don't you think? By putting false hopes in your head. Things only get worse before they get better. And when they start getting better for you, than you'll see things well as my qoute says down below. From a cleansed perception Someone else quoted something in their sig, or maybe I just recently saw a post, that I thought made a lot of sense when it comes to perspectives on NC. "If you stare too hard at the closed door in front of you, you'll miss the doors opening behind you..."
timidity99 Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 Timidity, you broke up with your girl because she wanted a commitment, and you don't ever want to be married. The NC is for her benefit in your case, so SHE can get over being dumped by the man she loved...you...and recover so she can one day meet someone who can give her the commitment she needs. I think that's a bit different than what's happening here, IMO. I have no intentions of doing anything for her benefit. I don't owe her anything anymore because I'm not with her anymore. Now is the time for me to be selfish and put my needs # 1. She does not give a damn about me anymore so why should I give a damn about how she feels? She's not in my life anymore. She called me last week and I let it go to voicemail. Then 2 days later I returned her call telling her to leave me alone and stay out of my life. I would owe her something if she cared about me at all.
spinnelli Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 I think that is the same for me, I tried NC and it didnt work, me and my ex are starting to become friends, its not easy but you will get used to it, and you have to be prepared that one day they are going to turn round to you and say ive found someone else. I agree with this, maintaining contact is like a temporary bandaid for your wound, it's your crutch. But you better hope you start dating someone new before your ex, or you at least get over your ex before he/she meets someone new. Because if they do and you have to witness that, I bet you it'll feel like they broke up with you all over again. But this time, you will be FORCED into NC because the new guy/girl would divert their attention away from you. Now the ex won't be able to hang out with you anymore because they have someone new, and that will just eat away at you. If you've never experienced what it's like to be replaced, trust me, you don't want to, not when you are not over the relationship. It hurts more than the break up. Besides, I have found that with NC, I have no way of knowing what's going on in the ex's life. And if I don't know what's going in his life, then I'm not sitting here feeling sad that he is doing fine without me. In this case, ignorance is bliss.
norajane Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 She does not give a damn about me anymore... She called me last week and I let it go to voicemail... Are you so sure she doesn't give a damn? Usually, if I don't give a damn about someone, I'm not even thinking to call them... It's not about owing her anything, timidity. I'm saying SHE should be the one to follow NC so SHE can get over you. SHE ought to be the one who sees NC as benefitting her. You dumped her (because she wanted a commitment, to BE WITH YOU, and you didn't want it), so NC is not about YOU, or whether you owe her or don't owe her. That you are the one who is implementing NC with her, (and somehow, oddly, blaming her for your break-up even though you broke up with her) is your choice for yourself.
unfinite Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 you better hope you start dating someone new before your ex, or you at least get over your ex before he/she meets someone new. Because if they do and you have to witness that, I bet you it'll feel like they broke up with you all over again. But this time, you will be FORCED into NC because the new guy/girl would divert their attention away from you. Now the ex won't be able to hang out with you anymore because they have someone new, and that will just eat away at you. If you've never experienced what it's like to be replaced, trust me, you don't want to, not when you are not over the relationship. It hurts more than the break up. I had the breakup and being replaced at the same time. It hurts so much to be left for someone else. Everything I used to do with her, he does now. It's only been a couple weeks but I think NC is making it worse...It wasnt a bad break up..its not like we'll be enimies. We both meant so much to each other and I want to say goodbye. I asked if I could see her alone to say goodbye to her in person but she thinks im just going to try and get her back. I dont know how to convince her that I'm not going to do that.
timidity99 Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 I implented NC because I was angry with her at the time. I didn't want anything else to do with her while I was angry.
MrPot Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 What you guys need to realize is how much of a pussy you are coming across as when you reach out and pursue any kind of relationship with an ex you want back. It might hurt to not see her, but by giving her (or him) some remnant of that special relationship you two used to bear is giving her/him too much after your heart's been broken by them. If you want someone back, don't be their freaking lap puppy. Disappear. Show them that you live a perfectly happy life without them as a feature in it. Answer the phone when they call you, sure, but don't treat them as if they're anything more than just another friend. Be busy; move on. NC might make you worse, at first, but if you really want the ex back, it's the best method.
burning 4 revenge Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 I broke NC a couple of times, because it "hurt too much" There was a time I could make her cry Now she laughs at me
Author Lost1616 Posted July 22, 2006 Author Posted July 22, 2006 Well it makes me feel abit better knowing that NC isnt just making me feel worse... thanks guys. Weird thing... she deferred from her uni course and now is working more (as in where i work!) I have a day off during the week and she always kept that day free so we could do things together. All of a sudden shes doing more days/ hours but elected to still keep this day in the middle of the week free. So shes basically working identical days to me now! Do u think this may be intentional? I mean does she want to be around when i am? She could have easily taken my day off to work if she didnt want to see me.. Shes been on holidays for 2 weeks and is back tomorrow and i havent seen her since she went. Should i just keep acting indifferent like i dont care and keep with the NC? I miss her but im still very angry at her for what shes done! (update - she started a relationship with one of my friends not long after we broke up) A part of me wants to reconcile and be friends but another part wants to tell her off and give her a consequence for her actions and mistakes. Thoughts?
unfinite Posted July 22, 2006 Posted July 22, 2006 I miss her but im still very angry at her for what shes done! (update - she started a relationship with one of my friends not long after we broke up) A part of me wants to reconcile and be friends but another part wants to tell her off and give her a consequence for her actions and mistakes. Thoughts? Thats exactly what happened to me, I don't know what I'd do if she came back to me. And about the friend thing...is he still your friend? The guy she left me for was a pretty close friend and I hate him for doing this to me but he's a good guy other than promising me he wouldn't touch her and breaking the promise. It's really confusing, I want her back but if she were to come back i dont know if i would take her. And I want to be his friend but I hate him so much for doing this to our relationship. Someone must know what to do.
Author Lost1616 Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 Yeh its messed up... He was my friend for 15 years, and i havent talked to him since it all happened 7 weeks ago. He apparently wants to be friends again someday... im just too damn mad at him and i will never forgive him. As for her... its different. I love her still and i want to forgive her but i cant right now! She still wants to be friends with me... but i still have this thing inside me that wants to tell her off! When we talked about it afew weeks after i was like a bloody pussycat and i regret not giving it to her then! Would it seem stupid to tell her off now? I mean its several weeks after... i dont want to make her think its still on my mind 24/7 but at the same time i dont think shes been punished yet!
nips5050 Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 What you guys need to realize is how much of a pussy you are coming across as when you reach out and pursue any kind of relationship with an ex you want back. It might hurt to not see her, but by giving her (or him) some remnant of that special relationship you two used to bear is giving her/him too much after your heart's been broken by them. If you want someone back, don't be their freaking lap puppy. Disappear. Show them that you live a perfectly happy life without them as a feature in it. Answer the phone when they call you, sure, but don't treat them as if they're anything more than just another friend. Be busy; move on. NC might make you worse, at first, but if you really want the ex back, it's the best method. AMEN! That is exactly what keeps me from picking up the phone and making that 'dumb' call!!! I almost did last night and then I thought just that..."Why do I want to give him the satisfaction to know i still think about him?? NO! I don't!!" Thanks for saying what you did!! I totally agree.
Author Lost1616 Posted July 23, 2006 Author Posted July 23, 2006 Im just curious... i now work 5 days a week with my ex since she stopped uni and is taking more hours at our work! Does anyone have any good advice on how to act/handle it? Shes been on holidays for 2 weeks and i know when i see her tomorrow my heart is going to sink and its going to bring up more stuff. Ive been managing ok the last few days and i dont want to come crashing down again. How do you go NC when you see her every day? Should i just pretend shes not there and ignore her? or should i just be indifferent and say Hi if she approaches me but dont take any interest in her life? Anyone been through this that can give me some advice? I want to go NC but im not going to change my life and avoid her every time she comes in. (as much as i want to)
blue636 Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I think "NC" is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard of. Quite frankly, when it comes to dating and breaking up, there is no one rule that works for everyone. As a matter of fact, NC probably only works for half the people that do it. I've dated girls and broken up with them never to contact them again -- and that was fine. My friend broke up with her boyfriend amicably and even remained roommates for 3 months and they both went on their merry ways. The point is, rules are meant to be broken. No single rule can apply to all, or even a majority for that matter. Do what you feel is best for yourself.
Guest Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 I'd have to agree that no contact isn't for everyone, but it definitely is NOT "one of the stupidest things." I think it's mostly for people going through a bad breakup. In fact, in YOUR OWN POST, you believe it has a fifty-fifty chance of letting people move on from a breakup in people who exercise it. Compare that to the 100% chance you will draw out your pain by stalking and obsessing over a partner who has moved on to screwing another person, and I'd say I'll take the former. You wouldn't? If you want to break up with your partner, stay in the same apartment, and still hang out, hey, more power to you. I agree with earlier people who state that no contact would be the best policy for the original poster. He's in a kind of forlorn state right now, and we as objective observers, can see how pathetic he is being. He's trying to interpret signals that likely aren't there (is she trying to say something by working more on days that I'm also there?), harboring unhealthy anger towards his EX-girlfriend and her new boyfriend, who happens to be a "friend" of his. He should LEAVE these losers alone and get a life, seriously, and now.
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