Mr_Betrayed Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 I left my girlfriend of five years in March because she started drinking again. I was gone for all of April, but during that time she wrote me beautiful emails telling me how much she loved me and wanted to rebuild a life with me once she finished nursing school and writing her novel in June. I was touched by what she had to say, so I came back to her and was living back in our apartment by the first week of May. We took a trip to Vegas at the end of May and discussed plans on moving there together since we enjoyed it so much. The second week of June, she suddenly told me from out of the blue that she didn;t want to be in our relationship anymore. i was shocked and surprised, but talked her into staying by reminding her that I'd just come back to her to rebuild the relationship. On July 1st, I caught her lying about mailing a package to her father that was really intended for a male reader of her online blog. She told me that the man was "a friend" who had helped her through the tough time when I was gone and implied that she wasn't serious about him or really contacting him much since I'd been back. I kept asking her about this for the next two weeks, until she left to go visit her mother in Maine for two weeks. When I asked her about it, she would get angry and tell me that I had no competition, but that my asking her about it so much was go9ong to make her want to leave me and go live by herself when she got back from vacation. She also accused me of being paranoid and making her frightened by asking about it so much. Her last words to me before she got on the plane to Maine were that I have no competition from anyone, I haven't lost her to someone else, and that it's not too late for our relationship to begin anew. After i dropped her off at the airport, I didn;t sleep for three days. I checked my phone for incoming calls and saw that a "private caller" had begun calling in April and that the calls continued through May. There was also a call received from a number representing a prepaid calling card. I figured they'd talked on the phone, but it wasn;t until I dedcided to check my online phone records through Qwest that I got the shock. She's been calling him throughout the time I've been back, and all of the calls are made on days or nights when I'm at work. She called him before we left for Vegas and she called him when we got back. The call times are lengthy. The shortest call is seventy minutes, and the longest is over three hours. I called the man myself, he's an older man who lives in Georgia and he frequents the blogs of submissive women who post on Xanga and presumably elsewhere. He's into poetrty, and has mailed my girlfriend a bunch of CDs of his and other music, that I found under the bed in a box with his address on it. He told me that their talks are innocnet, and devoted to poetry, literature etc. I have no reason to believe him but my girlfriend has also told me the same thing. I told her that I had the phone records and she basically made it try to seem like I had misunderstood what she'd told me about her communications with this man. While she's been away at her mother's she hasn't had "much time" to call or email me. The email that I did get was very impersonal, with her telling me that she was "very uncertain about what I want to do in the future" and "I'm still not sure that I'm the right one for you in the long term" I've told her that in spite of everything, I want to stay with her and work on the relationship. I'm picking her up at the airport tomorrow night and have no clue as to what to expect. She seems confused about what she wants, but much of what she's told me comes across as honest and sincere, so I have to believe that there is still a chance. I have a hard time believing that she could be so cruel as to beg me to come back to her and then take me back while she was at the same time starting up an emotional affair. Had my gut feeling not led me to find out about the affair, I have the suspicion that I still wouldn't know about this guy, and would not have known anything at all was wrong until the day she told me that she was leaving. That's how she left her ex-husband to come out and be with me. I've stuck by her for five years and through three years of nursing school hell. In spite of everything that's happened, I really love her and don't want to lose her.
Author Mr_Betrayed Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 If anybody out there has any thoughts or insights about this situation, I'd certainly welcome them I'm hurting like I've never been hurt in my life, and the idea that she would have been proceeding with an emotional affair both before and after I came back is too much for me to bear.
theantibarbie23 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 That's how she left her ex-husband to come out and be with me. This tells you everything you need to know. This is not the first time she has done this. This is a pattern. It sounds like she runs to people outside of her relationships when she becomes unhappy or stressed. Even if she ends the emotional affair with this guy, she's not going to change this pattern of behavior until she acknowledges it and works on fixing it. She is being very wishy washy with you and I hate to say it but, I suspect she may be keeping you around for security. She does not sound like she is very interested in having a serious relationship with you and is telling you the bare minimum in order to keep you hanging on. You need to tell her that she needs to show you enough respect as your partner by cutting all contact with this person and work on your relationship or get to stepping. It's better to find out where you stand now than be drowning in uncertainty. Besides, you relationship can never improve with this man in the picture. Personally, I would leave and find someone who I could have a healthier relationship with.
norajane Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 How's her drinking? Has that stopped? I think you do have to ask her to stop all contact with this man. Your relationship really can't survive if she continues to talk to him, even if it is only about poetry. I don't know a lot about alcoholics, but if she can become addicted to alcohol, it's probably not too difficult for her to become addicted to something else, like the attention and phone calls from this other guy. Maybe it's innocent in her mind, maybe it's not. Either way, if she is serious about being with you, she has to be willing to stop talking to this man because it's hurting you and she ought not want to continue doing that. I wish you the best.
jmargel Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 It doesn't matter if she slept with this guy or not, but she's cheated. Her getting defensive about this man is a clear sign she's cheating (at least emotionally). Sounds like between her drinking and her behavior she is quite immature. She really needs counseling and I can honestly tell you that the ONLY thing that is going to work here is honesty and 'tough love'. I often would give advice to people on here in your situation and the times they decided to just 'show more love' for their spouse comes back to bite them. The cheating spouse then believes it really is not their fault and what they are doing is legitimate. By tolerating her behavior you are endorsing future behavior from her. You need to find out the roots of her problems not just what is going on with this OM. Because if you don't she'll do it again to you, just like she did it to her ex-husband. I am sure if you talked to him you will see a clear pattern on her behavior. She has not faced any consequences for her actions so why should she stop? She'll continue to think 'grass is greener on the other side' until she steps in that first pile of dog ****. She'll then goto the other side of the fence and peer over to see what's there. If she dosen't start to mature and take responsibility for her own actions she'll just jump from guy to guy. However you telling her that would just backfire. You'll have to get a counselor to get that across to her. Honestly I would write a letter, tell her that you love her but don't repeat it more than once. In one part of this letter write to her: "Though I love you dearly and still adore you, your lifes, deceit, disrespect and emotional roller coaster of this relationship has taken it's toll. I will be going to counseling to figure out what I want and I would really hope you join me in this. If this relationship is to work we need to put 100% into it. I need your sincere honestly about everything since we became a couple'. If she doesn't go right away, don't fret however I believe you should go. Just to clear your head. It's not good for a relationship or you that you live on edge like this. However the definition of insantiy is doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results. If you think by smothering her in love and not making her face her consequences will fix everything you are mistaken. Trust me from personal experience. I would suggest reading the book 'Tough love' it's a book that will make you see things at different angle, one that you need.
Author Mr_Betrayed Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 Thanks to all of you who replied to my post. I'll be weighing your advice and making a decision this evening about this.
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