stoopid_guy Posted July 19, 2006 Posted July 19, 2006 Why should two people who care about each other be eating dinner alone tonight? I'm in a purely EA with a very good friend, my wife and daughter were out with some of her friends. I'm driving to Subway and just happen to pass my lady-friend's house (only a little bit out of the way.) While waiting at Subway, it occured to me; Why should two people who care about each other be eating dinner alone tonight? I wonder what would happen if I show up on her doorstep with a pizza and a six-pack? No, I didn't. I'm being "good." It ain't easy though. (Not looking for an answer, just getting it out...)
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 Well, I'm giving you answer anyway, even if you're not looking for one... Because the "intent" of meeting your lady friend isn't innocent. It's more than just a casual friendship. Would your wife approve if she knew that you felt something for this other woman? My guess is no. I'm glad you didn't go and you thought for acting upon feelings and desires. Think of your wife's feelings and your child's too. If you're bored, go out with some male buddies. Don't rely on another woman for that.
casoria99 Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 You seem like a very nice person. I have read your posts and you do not attack but try to discuss things openly even when I am on a "hate men" campaign. But can I tell you something? Do not pursue this woman. You like her and think that she is wonderful. And it will start and turn into a relationship that is emotionally powerful and charged. Your wife will then discover it and then you will have to break this woman's heart. Then she will be coming into the forum's as the OTHER WOMAN and getting attacked, called ugly and feel unworthy. Keep this woman's value where it is...by leaving her alone. Okay?
Author stoopid_guy Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 Because the "intent" of meeting your lady friend isn't innocent. It's more than just a casual friendship. But she signed her final divorce papers this morning, and was crying in the office this afternoon. It was sooo hard not to go to her... And maybe innocence is over-rated... Would your wife approve if she knew that you felt something for this other woman? My guess is no. And your guess would probably be right. Operational words though are "if she knew." If you're bored, go out with some male buddies. Don't rely on another woman for that. I'm not bored, I'm lonely. And call me weird, but there are things I can discuss with this lady that I can't discuss with male friends. If you love someone tell them, because hearts are often broken by words left unspoken Can't I listen to that instead? Keep this woman's value where it is...by leaving her alone. I know you two are right. Doesn't make it easy though...
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 But she signed her final divorce papers this morning, and was crying in the office this afternoon. It was sooo hard not to go to her... And maybe innocence is over-rated... The emotional place she's in right now, vunerable and dealing with the end of her marriage and you being lonely, is not a good combo...Especially to be alone with her, at night...You catch my drift...It's just too easy for something to happen. A simple caring hug could easily turn into something else... And your guess would probably be right. Operational words though are "if she knew." And I figure you won't be letting your wife know how you feel about this other woman. I'm not bored, I'm lonely. And call me weird, but there are things I can discuss with this lady that I can't discuss with male friends. But you should be talking to your wife about that stuff. Not another woman. If it's about your wife, then that's another reason not to talk to the OW about your personal life. Just fuels the fire and makes things cozier...And that will lead to trouble eventually. It's allowing the closeness and a bond to grow with someone else, when that bond really should be with just your wife. Can't I listen to that instead? Nope. Not in this situation. This OW's heart doesn't and shouldn't belong to you seeing as you're married. And your heart doesn't belong to her... I know you two are right. Doesn't make it easy though... Ofcourse it's not easy, but you have to try to not be so open and intimate on an emotional level with her. It's leading her on, unless you're seriously giving thought of leaving your wife, getting a divorce and being with the OW. People aren't supposed to date someone else on the side when they're married. Hang in there, love your wife and family. The OW will be okay. Don't make her your responsibility. And I'll add this, you really ought to emotionally detach from her. That emotion is missing from your marriage...Making you FEEL more attached to her instead of your own wife. Hope that makes sense.
norajane Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 If you care for your friend, you won't slip into an affair with her. You can't offer her what a single man could. Let her heal from her divorce and meet someone who can give her far more than you can as a MM. Anything else is doing a disservice to your friend. As to your family, you already know you'd be hurting them as well. Stay strong.
Sami_D Posted July 20, 2006 Posted July 20, 2006 If you care for your friend, you won't slip into an affair with her. You can't offer her what a single man could. Let her heal from her divorce and meet someone who can give her far more than you can as a MM. Anything else is doing a disservice to your friend. As to your family, you already know you'd be hurting them as well. Stay strong. I agree with this post. stoopid you sound like a decent enough man, but you're not thinking straight. You have a wife, and you owe it to her to invest your emotional time, ties... everything with her. Not another woman. If you can't do that, then you need to begin to make steps to end that relationship. Separation, divorce, whatever it takes. You are not being fair to your wife, yourself, or your child if you don't make an effort in your M. Secondly, this now-divorced woman does NOT need you in her life, messing up her new beginning. Don't do it to her. I'm speaking as a woman who is recently out of an affair, and still suffering. Please... if you care one iota for this woman... leave her alone.
Author stoopid_guy Posted July 20, 2006 Author Posted July 20, 2006 If you can't do that, then you need to begin to make steps to end that relationship. I can't, and I am... Life might get interesting, had lunch with the lady today and I think one of my wife's friends saw us. We are defined by our actions, not our thoughts. She and I are friends, we enjoy being around each other, and have never done anything physical, not even hugged. (I have a feeling that if we did...) this now-divorced woman does NOT need you in her life Bottom line though is that I really like this lady, I really care about her. We listen to each other and we understand each other. When we're not talking, the silence is comfortable. I understand why some folks think I should not be in contact with her, but if/when she needs a friend, I will not turn away.
Sami_D Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 If you can't do that, then you need to begin to make steps to end that relationship. I can't, and I am... Life might get interesting, had lunch with the lady today and I think one of my wife's friends saw us. We are defined by our actions, not our thoughts. She and I are friends, we enjoy being around each other, and have never done anything physical, not even hugged. (I have a feeling that if we did...) this now-divorced woman does NOT need you in her life Bottom line though is that I really like this lady, I really care about her. We listen to each other and we understand each other. When we're not talking, the silence is comfortable. I understand why some folks think I should not be in contact with her, but if/when she needs a friend, I will not turn away. So you are getting Divorced..? Have you begun talking to your W about that? Is she in agreement? I say again, if you really like this woman, and want to be a friend to her... then don't begin an Affair. She needs more than that in her life, and until you can offer her more than a diversion on her way to freedom, you are being NO friend to her. Your motives are selfish.
BUTAFLY Posted July 21, 2006 Posted July 21, 2006 I thought your lady friend cancelled your official date to go out with a old single college friend. Shes no dummy...she has been there and done the MM thing and has learned her lesson. I think work lunches and small talk is as far as she wants to go with you. Don't push the situation.
Author stoopid_guy Posted July 21, 2006 Author Posted July 21, 2006 So you are getting Divorced..? Have you begun talking to your W about that? Is she in agreement? Was going to talk to an lawyer friend, but he's on vacation. Have started "getting things in order" though. Doing a home equity loan to consolidate some debts, researching all I can find on the subject, figuring out the "hows." No intention of starting a physical relationship with the friend until seperated, but do want to maintain the friendship. And nothing may come of it, but I want the freedom to choose. I thought your lady friend cancelled your official date to go out with a old single college friend. Actually, not to go out with him, but because she had an on-line relationship. They met in person, but I have the impression it didn't go so well.
lovernotafighter Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 stoopid guy...why is your pming off? I was hoping to send you one if thats okay with you?
WonderWater Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 I have been trolling this forum a lot lately, looking for support. Most of the posts that I have read have been from women. I must admit that I was surprised to see one from a male - a male who seems to be very sincere. Don't get me wrong. I don't know you, I have no right to pass judgement. But, I have gotten very burned in my EMA. My MM seemed to genuinely care about me, spun the whole "I'll leave my wife for you" story... just to get me into bed. From a selfish side, I would certainly like to see you be happy in your affair, because it would prove to me that there are some decent men in this world. But, speaking from a women's point of view, don't burn this lady. If you care about her, then just be her friend. If at some point in your lives, you are in a situation that will allow you to be honestly together, then you can assume it was meant to be.
Sami_D Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 I would certainly like to see you be happy in your affair... I would like to see him happy, having done the decent thing and separated from his wife before pursuing this other woman any further. Any updates, stoopid_guy? How is the discussion going with the lawyer? Have you informed your W of your intentions yet?
Author stoopid_guy Posted July 31, 2006 Author Posted July 31, 2006 WW, I post in this forum sometimes because 1) it's the first place I started reading here, and 2) for the most part, it's full of nice people as messed up in the head as I am. Sami, I've chatted with the lawyer in the hallway, but first "official" meeting is tomorrow afternoon. No, haven't brought it up with the wife yet. Our daughter starts high school next month, and wife starts teaching full time. I really want them both to be "established" first. (Have to quit looking for excuses, by the time they're "established," temptation will be to stick it out through the holly-daze, then daughter's birthday...) As far as the "OW" goes, we're still good friends, but I've been "good."
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